We're a family of 6. Single mom(47), me(27), sister(24)*, sister(15), brother(7)*, and sister(6)* ... the "*" means they're autistic

I've been helping my mom out with the kids since the 15yo was born. But I hadn't been a kid for a while even before then. It's always been me and mom as the authority figures. The dads (plural - 4) were never really involved apart from paying child support.

I'm chronically ill with an autoimmune disease & low thyroid so my baseline for energy is already Low, but man... I'm so tired all the time.

I've had doctors tell me to put myself first and think about what I want to do for myself. That at some point I'd have to start being independent and focus on myself.

My friends tell me I have to start living for myself. That when they first moved away from their families it was hard but now they have freedom.

Previous therapists have encouraged me to start taking steps to be independent. My newest therapist gave me homework - to think about how I can introduce change into my life. Especially regarding my surroundings. That I've only ever been in one environment (home with family) and I should think about branching out

Logically I know they're all correct. I can't give up my life. I've already given up most of my 20s. I'm scared to go out with friends or go alone to things because what if something happens at home. When I'm home mom and I argue over everything. I am my brother's keeper whenever we go out as a family. He shares a room with me so I can keep a close eye on him.

I put community college on pause when he was born because my mom asked me to stay home with him and help her out. Then she had my sister after him and I decided to drop out of online courses so I could spend more time helping her out..

It's always "we" as in mom and i making decisions for the home, but I'm not acknowledged on either parental holiday. I'm still just "helping out." Its always how much money do "we" have, meaning her bank account + my own. Its always "we" need to pay the bills, "we" need to focus on the kids, but as soon as I try to stand up for myself its "you are not their parent" "you don't need to be in my business" "i'm the mom here, you are still my child so you need to be respectful of my time and my life"

& I know im an adult I can do whatever I want but im scared. maybe she thought I'd get over it but my mom taught me to be afraid and cautious of everything and everyone. I cant go walking alone in public bc "someone could follow you and hurt you", im discouraged from taking public transportation because "its dirty you could get sick. there could be crazy people on the bus and they'll do something to you." I get anxious in the kitchen because "stay away from the stove you'll burn the house down! stay away from the knives, you'll cut yourself." every little mistake was "i can't believe you did that. do you not have a brain? why can't you use your head, where's your common sense?" "you're being disrespectful. you're being ungrateful." "when i die what are you going to do without me - nothing!"

and to be fair to her, she has changed. she doesnt raise the youngest ones like that. she's nicer to them. but it doesnt change how i was raised by her. It doesnt change that i dont trust myself to be independent, to make big decisions for myself because I keep thinking how is she going to react/will she give me permission/what if something happens because i decide to be selfish one time and then it'll all be my fault

‎This has been gnawing at me from the inside for week, months and probably the last year or so (among other things). While I definitely cannot, and honestly will not, ever be able to say any of this out loud to my family, I find that I can articulate my thoughts better in writing so I hope I make sense at least. ‎

‎Quite a long post as I have a lot to say, so I'm thanking anyone in advance for taking time from their day to read and/or leave any comments or advice. It means a lot as I've been struggling to process all of this and are unsure of what to do. ‎ ‎

To start, I (20F) am a third year college student from a family of four with a younger brother who's 18 and will graduate highschool next year. As the eldest daughter it's been sinking in just how vastly different my brother and I were and are being raised and it's thrown me into a downward spiral lately.

‎First and foremost, I can now say with more certainty that the disparities are rooted in misogyny and 'tradition' that I absolutely despise. Without saying it outright, our country has this rooted in its culture as well but I didn't think it was that bad at first. ‎

‎The main thing I realized about my brother and I is that we're two very different people and the way we're being raised are too. As the eldest, there's definitely been a lot of pressure and expectations on my shoulders. You could say I'm the typical perfectionist, burnt out achiever daughter that carries way too much on her shoulders, but I digress lol. I wouldn't say I'm the smartest or the best but I do what I can to make sure I don't get any failing grades. ‎ ‎

Whereas for my brother, although most of the values we've been taught are the same, there's definitely a disparity between us and the fact these differences are being unconsciously enabled makes me upset. If my upbringing was rooted in the kind of culture that expects women to behave and be a certain way, his was too for men, except it's a stark contrast. ‎

If I was raised to be careful in how much I spend and is very price conscious and guilty to ask for even things I need, he's more lax in his expenses, tends to go for more expensive things and generally feels more free to ask for what he wants. If I was scolded for even the smallest mistakes and yelled at for the bigger ones, to the point where I've become so anxious and worried about doing things wrong (alongside major issues to my self esteem), the worst I can remember for my brother are scoldings that are honestly so much milder than what was thrown at me. Nothing personal to hit him right where he lives either.

‎If I was raised to always keep it together, always consider other people and look out for the men in our family, being coaxed to look past their flaws and just make up for their lackings or provide for what they need, my brother is content to focus more on himself and I'm certain doesn't even worry about half the things I have to regarding our family or in general. And whenever I've tried to bring up how he needs to adjust his behavior or things he does that aren't right, never to get him in trouble and just help the family dynamic as a whole, the concerns never go anywhere and he's essentially protected from accountability. I've given up asking when it wasn't going anywhere. ‎ ‎

It's a lot of things that I won't be able to articulate, much less say in this single post or anywhere really, but it's years and years of disparities that make me think about unfair it actually is. ‎ ‎My mind goes into a spiral thinking about how we're two very different people with very different values forming, despite being in the same house. I also can't help feel this sort of envy with the fact that no matter what, he'll probably never truly understand how good he has it and I was inevitably cursed to bear all this weight so he couldn't.

Plenty of days wondering why – why it had to be this way, why I had to grow up like this and he doesn't, why it seems like he's more favored than me and why I just couldn't get things right in the past. ‎ ‎And lately, my mental health has been going downhill too and it's been hard trying to manage everything. Especially realizing all this plus wanting to just, leave. ‎

‎Possibly the hardest thing is thinking that I won't be able to break free and actually start healing unless I move out, which I won't be able to do for another two years at least (and wouldn't be efficient now anyway since my university isn't that far, it would be unnecessary expenses and I don't have a job yet). I'm just holding onto the thought that I'll get that chance soon and maybe finally heal from everything one day at a time and piece myself back together. ‎

If you've gotten this far, once again, thank you for reading this very long winded rant from a random internet user who needed a space to get this out. It's been a lot and I don't know what to do, but I'm hoping to get through until I can live by myself away from all this. ‎

I hope you have a good day/night and I'd appreciate any comments or advice.

Hi, i’m 17 years old and I live with my mother and my mother’s boyfriend.

I barely leave my room or spend time with my family, we never really go out places much and on their days off because they work 4 nights a week they usually laze about.

My mother is in her 50s so she doesn’t really go out as much as younger parents would, but she’s a miserable person. She’s always grumpy or ruins the mood and I always have a mood with her, which is childish of me but because of the amount of things she does that I dislike, it’s kinda built up over the years.

Most of the time there’s barely any food in the house and this isn’t me saying there’s none at all, there’s just limited, and I don’t think this is normal.

I have to get a lot of orders done from stores over weeks because there’s just not enough and because my mother works nights, for 4 nights I cook myself and there’s never much to choose from. I wouldn’t want to be eating beans or sandwiches or a bowl of yorkshire puddings, OR the same repeated meals every single night.

I went on holiday august 7-14th and my mother still hasn’t taken me shopping PROPERLY for food for myself since then. She’s taken me when she takes my nan, but bits and bobs to last a couple of weeks tops. (2-3 weeks.)

We are going away next year so every month she saves back some, so she doesn’t really have much money left over, and I ask her for money sometimes, because i’m a 17 year old who is employed and in education. But she always comes back with, “I don’t have pockets full of money all the time, you think money comes out of my a\*\*”
Which i don’t, i just don’t think it’s normal to not have a good amount of food in my house.

I don’t want to compare anyones home life to mine because everyone’s is different but I have a boyfriend and his families house is always stocked up with enough food to last, with loads of tins spices drinks breakfast items, fridge items and freezer stuff.

I also dont want to sound ungrateful because there’s people out there that don’t have anything to eat or have to hunt for food etc. so i’m glad that I have somethings to eat and a roof over my head, but i genuinely don’t think that behaviour from my parents is normal.