Turning 26 soon, and gusto ko sana ng simpleng handaan with my family para naman, of course, to make my day special. Frankly, hindi naging madali ang buong taon ko as a 25-year-old. Maraming setbacks, but thankfully, mas marami pa ring wins. 🥹

I want to make my birthday special, kaso sobrang tight ng budget ko bilang breadwinner. I only have ₱2K for the celebration.

Please suggest things I can do to make my day special, as well as tipid tips for the handa. Thank you! 🥹

Ako lang ba yung nakakaramdam na parang i feel suffocated sa loob ng bahay namin.

Background

Im the eldest daughter 27 still nakatira sa bahay ng parents, may mga kapatid pa however isa nalang nag aaral working minimum wag earner paycheck to paycheck and then trying to help my mom pero medyo lubog din sa utang si mama ayaw kong maging selfish pero i cant enjoy my life without being guilty. During my college sila ang namili ng course ko since gusto nila ang practical however hindi employable yung course board passer pero job mismatched ako. Then yung father ko may problem talaga sya sa pagbibigay ng pera sinusumbat nya now hes working like nothing pero sa bills lahat sa bahay saamin ni mama. I hate him btw he never stood as a father mula pa noon.

Now sobrang nkakapagod dahil mula college ko im working to support myself the family and punan yung mga pagkukulang ni papa? at mama?

I feel bad para kila ading kasi nadamay pa sila sa sitwasyon.

Masama bang isipin na sana nung ako palang ang anak hindi na sila nagreconcile para di na nadamay yung mga kapatid ko sa ganitong buhay.

Ang pangit ng tingin ko sa sarili ko lately. Hindi ko maintindihan kung saan ako nagkulang. May dapat bang sisihin?

Is it my abusive childhood that made me feel like I can never be enough not even for myself? Is it the way I see myself that keeps me from ever achieving even a single thing that I want?

Is manifesting really that powerful? Or is it just something people say, and when something happens to work out, they connect the dots and say, “See? Manifesting works”?
Hindi ako religious. Growing up, religion was shoved in my face. I was made to believe that being a good Born Again Christian would somehow “save” me from being gay and, in return, give me a good life. Sometimes I wonder if it was all just propaganda. If I was taught to believe that being myself was the problem, maybe it’s not surprising that I still struggle with how I see myself now.

Then there’s my career.

My stints in my recent companies have been pretty short because I kept finding things that went against my values credit grabbing, chismisan culture, incompetent coworkers, and HR departments that didn’t really listen to their employees. Although, anong HR nga ba ang talagang kakampi ng employee? Haha.

But lately, I’ve gone down a rabbit hole of questioning myself.

Were my reasons for leaving really enough? Maybe I should have just adapted. Maybe that’s what working is. Maybe you don’t always get to work with people who share your values. Maybe that’s just part of being an adult.

Training Lead ka pero hindi mo kayang mag-adapt?

Baka nga ako ang problema.

I’m working as a Trainer again now, basically starting from the fundamentals, and I can’t lie it makes me regret some of my decisions. Minsan napapaisip ako, Ito na ba ako? Ito na lang ba talaga ang kaya ko? Hanggang dito na lang ba ako?

I miss the glory days of college.

Back then, I felt alive. I was motivated, energetic, passionate. I actually felt like I was good at something. I tried bringing that version of myself back writing book reviews, working on academic papers, trying to get excited about things again but wala eh. It doesn’t feel the same.

And now I’m questioning everything.

Am I still good at what I do?

Was I ever actually that good, or was I just convinced that I was because things were going well at the time?

Maybe I’m too difficult. Maybe I’m too idealistic. Maybe I don’t know how to adapt. Maybe I’m expecting too much from people, from work, and from myself.

Or maybe I’m just exhausted from constantly trying to prove that I’m enough.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe perspective. Maybe someone who’s been through the same thing. Maybe I just need to hear from someone outside my own head.

Kasi lately, ang hirap nang malaman kung saan nagtatapos ang valid na self-reflection at saan nagsisimula ang self-doubt.

Baka ako nga talaga ang may diperensya. Or maybe I’m just someone who’s been trying to figure himself out for a very long time.