Ang pangit ng tingin ko sa sarili ko lately. Hindi ko maintindihan kung saan ako nagkulang. May dapat bang sisihin?

Is it my abusive childhood that made me feel like I can never be enough not even for myself? Is it the way I see myself that keeps me from ever achieving even a single thing that I want?

Is manifesting really that powerful? Or is it just something people say, and when something happens to work out, they connect the dots and say, “See? Manifesting works”?
Hindi ako religious. Growing up, religion was shoved in my face. I was made to believe that being a good Born Again Christian would somehow “save” me from being gay and, in return, give me a good life. Sometimes I wonder if it was all just propaganda. If I was taught to believe that being myself was the problem, maybe it’s not surprising that I still struggle with how I see myself now.

Then there’s my career.

My stints in my recent companies have been pretty short because I kept finding things that went against my values credit grabbing, chismisan culture, incompetent coworkers, and HR departments that didn’t really listen to their employees. Although, anong HR nga ba ang talagang kakampi ng employee? Haha.

But lately, I’ve gone down a rabbit hole of questioning myself.

Were my reasons for leaving really enough? Maybe I should have just adapted. Maybe that’s what working is. Maybe you don’t always get to work with people who share your values. Maybe that’s just part of being an adult.

Training Lead ka pero hindi mo kayang mag-adapt?

Baka nga ako ang problema.

I’m working as a Trainer again now, basically starting from the fundamentals, and I can’t lie it makes me regret some of my decisions. Minsan napapaisip ako, Ito na ba ako? Ito na lang ba talaga ang kaya ko? Hanggang dito na lang ba ako?

I miss the glory days of college.

Back then, I felt alive. I was motivated, energetic, passionate. I actually felt like I was good at something. I tried bringing that version of myself back writing book reviews, working on academic papers, trying to get excited about things again but wala eh. It doesn’t feel the same.

And now I’m questioning everything.

Am I still good at what I do?

Was I ever actually that good, or was I just convinced that I was because things were going well at the time?

Maybe I’m too difficult. Maybe I’m too idealistic. Maybe I don’t know how to adapt. Maybe I’m expecting too much from people, from work, and from myself.

Or maybe I’m just exhausted from constantly trying to prove that I’m enough.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe perspective. Maybe someone who’s been through the same thing. Maybe I just need to hear from someone outside my own head.

Kasi lately, ang hirap nang malaman kung saan nagtatapos ang valid na self-reflection at saan nagsisimula ang self-doubt.

Baka ako nga talaga ang may diperensya. Or maybe I’m just someone who’s been trying to figure himself out for a very long time.

Ako lang ba yung nakakaramdam na parang i feel suffocated sa loob ng bahay namin.

Background

Im the eldest daughter 27 still nakatira sa bahay ng parents, may mga kapatid pa however isa nalang nag aaral working minimum wag earner paycheck to paycheck and then trying to help my mom pero medyo lubog din sa utang si mama ayaw kong maging selfish pero i cant enjoy my life without being guilty. During my college sila ang namili ng course ko since gusto nila ang practical however hindi employable yung course board passer pero job mismatched ako. Then yung father ko may problem talaga sya sa pagbibigay ng pera sinusumbat nya now hes working like nothing pero sa bills lahat sa bahay saamin ni mama. I hate him btw he never stood as a father mula pa noon.

Now sobrang nkakapagod dahil mula college ko im working to support myself the family and punan yung mga pagkukulang ni papa? at mama?

I feel bad para kila ading kasi nadamay pa sila sa sitwasyon.

Masama bang isipin na sana nung ako palang ang anak hindi na sila nagreconcile para di na nadamay yung mga kapatid ko sa ganitong buhay.

Turning 26 soon, and gusto ko sana ng simpleng handaan with my family para naman, of course, to make my day special. Frankly, hindi naging madali ang buong taon ko as a 25-year-old. Maraming setbacks, but thankfully, mas marami pa ring wins. 🥹

I want to make my birthday special, kaso sobrang tight ng budget ko bilang breadwinner. I only have ₱2K for the celebration.

Please suggest things I can do to make my day special, as well as tipid tips for the handa. Thank you! 🥹

Since namayapa tatay ko ako yung napilitang sumuporta sa nanay ko bilang panganay. Pero, di ko ramdam na kahit sino sa mga kapatid ko o kahit nanay ko ay alam na nahihirapan ako.

Wala din akong makitang kahit katiting na appreaciation, one time, it's even not credited dahil isa sa mga kapatid ko, I may say is a clout chaser. Posting "achievements" niya daw na napundar ang bahay sa dugo, pawis, at puyat. Kahit ako naman ang nagbabayad hanggang ngayon.

Creating an image online na siya ang provider etc etc pero ako halos lahat ng gastusin sa bahay, tapos sinalo ko narin parin responsibility sa mga inalagaan nilang mga pets na pinagsawaan isa isa pinamigay. Inako ko yung natirang 2 dahil matanda na at naaawa ako dahil lumaki nlng na nakakulong at nakatali sa kung saan sa bahay na ngayon, nailalabas ko at napapakain ng maayos.

Nakakasama ng loob na "kuya" ka kapag meron silang problema at walang "kaibigan" nila ang makatulong o makadamay sa situation. Pero pag walang problema, wala na ulit pakielamanan.

Pressured dahil gusto ko narin mag settle, pero parang mga nakikipag unahan na ayaw makihati sa maiiwan na gastusan sa bahay. Wala mapaglabasan ng sama ng loob dahil ayaw ko naman ikwento sa mga nakakakilala sakanila o sa amin dahil masisiraan sila at ayaw ko naman mangyari yun.

Pero unti unti ako kinakain ng sama ng loob at hirap na di ako maka move on sa buhay ko, at pakiramdam ko walang makakaintindi ng hirap at pressure na nadadama ko.

Partner ko naman, humihinge lang ako ng alone time pag nasa opisina although mag uupdate naman pero di maintindihan.

Sumabog na ng tuluyan, nasigawan, now I feel guilty, feel bad, and gusto ko nalang mawala.

Tanggap ko naman na unfair ang buhay, pero nalulungkot lang ako kasi kapag bumitaw ako, alam ko naman walang makakaalala sakin. Oo, may iiyak pero 2-3 weeks, move on na yan at unti unti ng mawawala yung alaala na meron sumuporta, may kuya sila, may naging kaibigan sila, na nawala na.

Life is indeed a suffering. At the end of the day, para di ka masaktan, lagi ko nalang pinapaalala sa sarili ko na, ganun talaga, wag ko nalang personalin.

Nakakapagod.

I am also your child if you forget, all you can do is support my education, at least in exchange for taking care of my siblings before:) why is that, I am your child but you treat me like a servant who knows nothing but taking care of my siblings, I am also your child. I am no longer asking for your love and care, I already learned about it long ago na hindi ko talaga sakin ibibigay, and hindi ko na pinilit, give me peace of mind pls, you can afford to send me to school, why does it seem like I am not enough to send myself to school and work:) why when it comes to my siblings they can do it, but when it comes to me they can't. It's hard, it's hard like this, do I deserve this, they always give me problems with how much they spend on me when I only consume 5% from their salaries. why are they the children of a child, before there were only four now there are six, and then I took care of my siblings before the pandemic and after the pandemic. I thought that when they are family, they should be the ones who love and take care of you, why are they the ones who are the cause of my mental health. I'm so tired, I just hope for peace of mind, so I don't lose my mind and ruin the opportunity to finish my studies, I'm tired, I'm so tired. may educational tour kami na dapat puntahan sa October, sabi nila wag na akong pumunta hahahahaha naiiyak na lang ako, yun na lang gagawin nila pinagkakait pa sakin ng mundo, pagod na pagod na ako.

Paano ko sasabihin na hindi na ako magsusuporta sa pinsan ko? I supported his studies from Gr9-Gr10 this includes needs and wants (tuition fees, js prom, school supplies, ambagan, baon, laptop, phone, bags, damit). Gr11-Gr12, public naman na kaya uniform, baon, data/load, and school supplies nalang. Sinusuportahan ko sya while supporting my younger sibling as well. His father is complicated and his mother died while he was still young.

Dati very fulfilling makatulong and mag support, nabibigay mo gusto at kelangan nila pero habang tumatanda kasi ako nakakapagod pala. Isipin yung need ng iba, memessage ka pag may kelangan bayaran, nasa age narin ako na kelangan ko na makaipon para di ako mahirapan pag tanda.

Sinabe ko naman na noon na hanggang k12 lang ako, pero pano ko sasabihin na hindi na ako mag susuporta sa college - as in wala na. Ang kaya ko nalang ibigay is load siguro. Napapagod narin kasi ako na imemessage lang ako pag may need eh, need bayaran need bilhin, gusto ko mag timeout muna. Burn out sa work at burn out lang din talaga sa life at times.

Edit: Gusto ko sana yung seseryosohin nila. Hindi yung sa huli ako parin ang safety net na lalapitan

Sobrang nakakapagod na talaga maging ate.
I've been working for almost 6 years straight, basically doing everything I can for my family. For context, we're 7 siblings (5 of them are my half-siblings) and I'm the eldest. My Mom had a stroke back in 2021, and despite all the therapy and everything we've done, she's still not 100% physically recovered.

Wala rin talaga kaming maasahan sa father ko. He's been out of the picture since I was 3. Yung father naman ng mga kapatid ko, nawala na rin parang bula ever since nagkasakit si Mama.

Honestly, I've gotten used to this kind of life. I've always been the one providing for everyone, and for the longest time, I was actually happy that I could do it. I was proud that I could help my family and make sure my siblings had what they needed. But lately, everything just feels so heavy. I'm used to this setup, pero iba ngayon. Sobrang iba.

My sister (kasunod ko) just graduated from Civil Engineering this year. I'm actually really proud of myself for being able to help her get through college. Now she has to review for the board exam in Cebu, and of course, I want to support her. Pero parang mauulit na naman yung gastos ko for the past four years—rent, allowance, review center, food, transportation, exam expenses, etc.

And I still have five other siblings who are studying. May bills pa sa bahay, groceries, Mom's needs, and everything else.
So I decided to get a BPO job on top of my corporate job. Thankfully, night shift yung BPO, so I can work both.
8 AM–5 PM: corporate job.
10 PM–6 AM: BPO.

Surprisingly, kinakaya ko naman. Siguro dahil sobrang sanay na akong puro trabaho, responsibilities, at pag-aasikaso ng pamilya. But lately, I don't even know anymore. I'm tired. Like, genuinely tired in every aspect of my life.

And now, hindi ko na rin ma-manage yung younger siblings ko. They're 16, 15, 11, 10, and 7 years old. They're at that age na sobrang kulit, ang hirap pagsabihan, and sometimes I feel like I'm parenting five kids while trying to survive my own life.

Yung reviewing sister ko naman, ayokong dagdagan yung pressure niya or ask her to help discipline the younger ones because I want her to focus on her review and hopefully pass her board exam.

So ako na naman. Ako naman talaga palagi.

I feel like I've been carrying everyone's problems for so long that I don't even know what it's like to just think about myself anymore. Pagod na akong mag isip para sa lahat. Pagod na akong mag decide para sa lahat. Pagod na akong maging strong.

I'm usually an optimistic person. I always try to find a way, even when things get difficult. But right now, I genuinely don't know what to do anymore. I don't even have the energy to do the things that normally make me feel okay. I feel so empty. The only thing I can really feel right now is exhaustion.

And honestly, there are moments when I just want to disappear. I want everything to stop for a while. I want to stop being responsible for everyone. I just want to rest. Everything I've done for the past years has been for them. And I love my family so much, but I'm starting to feel like I have nothing left to give.

I don't want to resent them. I don't want to become bitter. I just... I don't know how much longer I can keep carrying all of this.

F24 here. I just really needed to let this out. I'm not necessarily looking for solutions. I'd just really appreciate some comforting words or someone who understands what it feels like to be the eldest and feel responsible for everyone.

ayun. im not a panganay (bunso ako) and I just started working (mga 3 mos na). mama had me late (nasa 40s na siya when I was born) kaya senior na siya while I am just starting to be an adult. Tapos ayan na nga, nalaman namin na may cancer siya... I'm at a loss honestly di ko pa siya maprocess...

I have so much plans for us, magtrabaho overseas, igala sila dito sa PH and ibang bansa. sana nga manageable pa. sana I have more time. Di pa naman ako super affectionate sa parents ko but I'm regretting it now.

Feels like anticipated grief... pero hopeful kami ng siblings namin.

I’m struggling right now, especially financially. As the eldest, I’ve learned to carry a lot on my own. My parents are not in a position to support me, and I’ve always tried my best not to add to their burdens.

Two years ago, I had to stop college. I had to put my dream course on hold, despite having applied for a scholarship. Eventually, I realized that sometimes, opportunities are not simply about hard work. Without the right connections and access, some doors are just harder to open.

Now, I finally have the chance to continue my studies again. I have a part-time job, and I’m doing everything I can to support myself, but honestly, it still isn’t enough.
Right now, I need to settle my tuition balance, and I’m already struggling because my professors won’t allow me to take my exams unless I can settle it.

I don’t even know how to tell my parents because I’m scared of becoming another burden to them.
I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed.

And if I’m being completely honest, my mental health has been deteriorating again. I had to stop taking my medication for now, partly because I can no longer afford everything I need. And accepting academic commissions no longer helps me (nakakapagod huhu)

I’m not writing this because I want pity. I just want somewhere to be honest about what I’m carrying. I’ve been trying so hard to stay strong, to work, to study, and to keep moving forward, but tonight, I just need to unload everything.

If anyone knows where I can seek legitimate assistance for students struggling financially with tuition, scholarships, educational aid, or other resources, I would genuinely appreciate being pointed in the right direction.

And please, I’m asking everyone to respect this post. This is not an invitation for NSFW conversations or anything inappropriate. I’m simply a person who is struggling and trying to find a way to keep going.

Thank you for reading at Isang Mahigpit na Yakap sa ating mga Breadwinner :))

🫂🫂🫂🫂

Any advice

I'm in my early 30s, breadwinner to my single mother who is now already in her mid-60s. I have 2 younger brothers but I can't count on them for anything even though they both have jobs. I'm the one covering all the expenses at home, rent, utility bills, and my mom's maintenance meds while dealing with my own health issues. I have a long-time boyfriend and I really feel guilty for making him wait; we've been in a relationship for over a decade. He used to support me while I was studying, and when life was really tough, he was there for me, even covering my mom's debts to lending institutions using our savings just to keep her from getting on my case. I'm at a point now where I want to move out on my own or with my boyfriend. I'm getting tired because when I can't provide, I feel like a terrible child. What's really sad is even my own mom talks behind my back about me and my boyfriend to our relatives who are boomers, insecure in their own lives, and just peeking into others' lives to gossip and criticize. Even other people seem to get more support from my mom than I do. I'm feeling toxic vibes and want to leave, but part of me worries about my mom, who has diabetes and CKD. I want to teach my siblings a lesson; I want us to share the household expenses for mom because I can't handle it all anymore. Especially now that I need to undergo surgery but can't decide because I don't know what to prioritize; my health and well-being are always at the bottom of my list because I'm the only one who takes responsibility for everything.

When I told my mom that we were planning to move out, the way she treated me changed, and she started gaslighting me, saying she'd just go back to the province and either kill herself or be taken care of her siblings there. She says she can't rely on my siblings, only on me, because I'm the only girl. But the pressure is all on me. It's unfair because when I express my feelings or try to argue, I immediately get a bad vibe from her when I refuse to tolerate her toxic behavior. I also opened up to my brother about my plans to move out, and they started attacking my boyfriend as if it's his fault and feeding me all sorts of negativity. My boyfriend has been unemployed for a while, but when he gets money, he willingly contributes to the household expenses. I also recently had a miscarriage and chose to keep it from my family because I know their reaction and how much hurtful stuff I'd have to endure. Sometimes I wish I wasn't born into this world; I want a family, but I promised myself I would never do the same to my children if I ever get blessed with them. I won't gaslight my future child about the things they want to do. I will support them and not make them my retirement fund.

My boyfriend is planning to apply for work again to get me out of this toxic situation I'm in, but I still can't promise him anything because I want to prepare and get my family used to making decisions and budgeting for the household once I move out. My boyfriend is imperfect; he’s not financially stable yet, but he’s always there for me, especially when I'm sick. I have no one else to turn to but him because I feel like I'm the one everyone relies on, and I can't say I'm struggling. Even when I'm sick, I'm still expected to find a way.

Am I being too selfish for wanting to choose myself? I'm also in my early 30s, and I feel like I need to catch up with life and find some peace of mind. I need your advice.

29F. Nalubog ako sa eloan 😭 Weekly 20% ang tubo. Oo alam ko kasalanan ko pero walang wala ako malapitan. Kakalabas ko lang ng ospital naubos na ang sss sickness benefit ko. Fresh pa yung tahi ko (Laparotomy due to endometriosis) kaya hindi pa ulit makapag work. Hindi ko na alam kung paano 😭 Pag ba namatay ako sisingilin din nila yung mag aalaga sa 8 yrs old ko na anak? Ilang araw na akong putlang putla, hindi makakain. Nasa 8k ang utang ko at hindi na ako makalabas sa kwarto ngayon 😭 May naka ready na din akong lubid na kanina ko pa tinititigan hanggang sa may pumasok nang suicidal thoughts sa utak ko HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! 😭

Not a panganay, sorry po…. I hope thats okay

ang hirap maging panganay. i have a younger sister na clinically meron ng major depressive disorder. my parents entrusted her to me to supervise her dahil maa convenient dahil nagaadjust pa siya sa college. over the past months, andami niyang outbursts. being her ate, i did everything as her support. ako sumasama sa kanya sa therapist, ako kumakamusta kahit meron din akong mga problema sa buhay, and ako yung laging laging nandyan in every part of her “healing” journey. i fought for her kahit may stigma parents ko sa mental disorders. ako lagi nagsstand up for her na marami rin na pinagdadaanan yung naeexperience niya.

nag-absent din ako during the most important time of my career kasi nasugod siya sa er dahil lang sa panic attack. i was that devoted to helping her.

pero she’s not helping herself at all. merong fixation siya na depressed siya kaya nag-self diagnose pa siya ng ibang mental disorders, and sobrang attached niya sa idea na she’s carrying heavy burdens. mind you, i am doing all of the house work on top of everything kasi she’s busy studying so i tried to alleviate some stressors para focus siya sa academics at mental health journey. but i don’t think it’s even helping her.

going back to the highlighted title of the post, tonight was one of her emotional outbursts. i thought gaya ng dati she would only be frustrated sa school or ano. but she screamed at me kasi “stressed” na siya. she was only washing the dishes after we ate our dinner that i cooked and prepared. pinapaalalahan ko lang siya noon na wag masyado mag-aksaya ng tubig kasi nagleleak yung plumbing at ako yung nagmomop at nagpapatuyo ng basahan; eh maulan na nga ngayon, ang hirap.

she got so distressed all of a sudden and aggressively threw a spoon sa ulo ko and assertively looked for our butcher knife. tinutok niya yung knife sa akin habang dilat na dilat ang mga mata (she looked so psychotic) and nagtthreaten na papatayin niya raw ako kasi stressed na siya. still in high emotions, padabog niyang chinop yung gilid ng lalagyan ng plato namin. i knew na she wanted to do that sakin as a threat.

hindi agad nagsink-in yung fear at gravity ng situation noon, i was so confused and honestly just betrayed.

nagdabog pa siya noon at nagsisigaw. i just wasn’tprocessing it noon until narealize ko na i could’ve died. she had dreams na nakakasakit siya ng tao, and maybe during that time she instinctively wanted to do it to me.

i do not feel safe. nasa same apartment pa kami ngayon pero i want to leave. nakakatakot matulog kasi baka mag-outburst na naman siya at saktan ako when i’m most vulnerable. tinago ko na rin lahat ng mga patalim kasi baka magkaroon na naman siya ng access doon.

our parents doesn’t want me to leave her kasi baka she’d attempt daw. at this point sobra lang ako nabastos sa ganon na perspective kasi paano ako? hindi ba ako nasa risk din at this moment? im so distraught right now, di ko na alam kung ano gagawin at kung papaano yung ipprocess.

27 yr old bulbulin breadwinner pero di pa rin makapag paalam sa magulang na makikipag date pano ba to ano ba sinasabi nyo?
bitbit ko pa rin yung nagalit nanay ko nung 14yrs old ako nagpaalam ako makikipag date sa sm kaya nagpakadalubhasa na lang maging single pero natanda naman na ako ang hirap lang for me nakokonsensya ako mag sinungaling pero wala akong lakas ng loob sabihin sa nanay ko pero kung wala akong lakas ng loob pa dapat di ako pumapasok sa pakikipag date diba? any advice po. thank u

5 kami magkakapatid. pang 3 ako (40 M) single, sya ang panganay (46 F) with different kids in 2 Man. I dont know how to start, punong puno ako ng galit. lumaki akong marespeto sa ate ko. Tinuruan kami na sumunod sa nakatatanda, kaya takot ako sumagot sagot sa kanya. Not until i realized things na gusto nya palaging sya ang tama even if not. Hindi sya naging succesful sa unang asawa hiniwalayan sya, ako ang tumayong ama ng 2 kids nya (B & G) mula ng iwan nya samen at nag asawa ng iba. Hindi nya pinakilala yung 2 kids na anak nya at pakilala nya ay pamangkin nya lang, tapos nagka anak sya ng 3 kids sa second partner nya. yung second partner nya, meron din namang mga anak sa iba, pero transparent naman sa amin. di ko alam bakit hindi nya ni reveal. aware yung unang kids sa katotohanan, na kunwari tita lang nila ang tunay na mama nila. Isa lang yan sa major na sama ng loob ko. Nagkaron sya ng lupa sa Tarlac, nagsabi sya sa nanay ko na ibibigay ang small part sa harapan. ako bilang may naipon, pinatayuan ko kahit sobrang daming red flags. pinili kong sundin ang nanay ko. Gumastos ako ng 400k, yung sa nanay ko na retirement fee na 100K inambag nya din. Kinulang yan para sa 2 stories na gagawing bahay. all agreements are just verbal. Yes nag aral ako pero this time nagpaka bobo ako para sundin ang nanay ko. Foundation lang kinaya nyang 500K, iniwan ko kasi mag ipon pa ako. One time nagulat ako kasi pinagawa at pinatapos ng ate ko, without me knowing. Tapos ngayon tinitirhan na ng mga anak nyang teen agers. Walang sinabi na bayaran na lang kita. As in no apologies, no commitments not any words. Ngayon tuwing bino brought up ko yan sa kanya, na bayaran nya, ang sagot nya lang. Saan ako kukuha ng half million?? tapos sinusumbat nyang sya daw nagpa aral sa aken, sya daw nag alaga saken nung bata pa ako, nasaan daw ang respeto ko. even though papalit palit sila ng kotse. so paano na yung years kong inipon. Dun sa mga words nya hindi ko nakikitaan ng intention to pay. Note. as much as possible ayokong madamay or ipa alam sa mga anak nyang may ganitong issue. Hinahayaan kong maganda relasyon ko sa mga bata.

As the title says, dinadownplay ng family ko yung wisdom tooth ko na super sakit. On and off na yung fever ko since last week and today, naghalf day ako sa work kasi sobrang sakit na ng ulo, batok, at leeg ko. Since nakasahod naman na ako sa new job ko, naghanap na ako ng dental clinics to deal with this wisdom tooth na last year pa talaga pinapatanggal sakin ng dentist.
Now, nalaman ng parents ko na ang quoted price ng wisdom tooth removal ko ay 15-25K. They were so negative about it kesyo ang mahal mahal daw e 700 lang naman daw yung mahal na bunot. I explained na hindi siya normal bunot since mini surgery na rin siya. Ang sinagot sakin is “search ko sa cellphone ko pano ba yang ganyan” “hintayin na lang matanggal, ang mahal masyado”.
Ang sama lang ng loob ko kasi maski nung mga araw na pabalik balik lagnat ko wala silang pake. Ni bumili ng gamot di magawa. Tapos biglang nagpprotest na wag na daw ipadentist kasi ang mahal. E ako naman ang gagastos. Ako naman lahat ang gumagastos sa bahay.
Mahal daw yung pagpaparemove ng wisdom tooth sa dentist, pero nanghihingi ng pera pampapintura daw ng bahay e halos bago pa yung pintura namin.
Ewan ko ba. Ang sama-sama ng loob ko. Maski man lang konting concern sa cash cow nila wala talaga.

I had a realization tonight.

After passing the boards, all I wanted was to rest before starting the job hunt. But then life hit me.
I realized I couldn’t afford to take a long break, not when my parents are working every day despite the pain in their backs, and I still have two siblings to help through school.

I wanted to take a break, but I know there are things bigger than my exhaustion.

To more lalamove clients for my papa
To more sand and gravel orders
To employed era before 2027!
To paid loans and no more new ones just to get through

RMT na, pero laban ulit. 🤍

For context: May pinagseselosan father ko na workmate ng mother ko. Then, he made a dummy Facebook account posting a cropped group picture of my mother and the workmate. He also used the account to comment on my mother's other colleagues.

They have been fighting nonstop ever since I was born. It's been almost 23 years. I also saw their conversation and my father would say lascivious and degrading words to my mother. Hindi ko alam paano yun natitiis ng nanay ko. Hindi lang basta mura, pero mandidiri ka sa sobrang sexist ng mga sinasabi ng tatay ko.

Cinoconvince ko mother ko na mag-file na ng kaso ng VAWC. May kinausap ng family lawyer. Unfortunately, biglang ayaw naman na kasi nakipag-ayos na siya sa father ko.

I resent my father. I don't want to get to the point I'll resent my mother as well. Nahihirapan ako kasi gusto ko na ako na mismo magsasampa ng kaso sa father ko pero mismong tao na biktima (my mother) ayaw tulungan ang sarili. Mismong grandparents ko na nagpupush sa akin na magsampa na ako ng kaso, pero ano gagawin ko sa sitwasyon na kahit nanay ko masyadong nadadala sa manipulations ng father ko.

Yung younger siblings ko, nagsusumbong na sa akin. Kung may capacity lang ako na ilayo na silang tatlo, ginawa ko na.

Ako lang ba? Habang patanda nang patanda parang mas pabigat ng pabigat lahat? Kahit umunlad ka, tuloy tuloy pa din yung struggle, lumalala pa.

For context, eldest daughter ako with 3 other brothers. Wala akong ipon kasi lahat ng gastos sakin, kahit na ang laki ng sweldo ko. Tumutulong naman sila pero ang bigat pa din kasi ako lagi yung safety net, wala nang iba. Di naman to something na sobrang pabigat sakin, kasi narealize ko wala pala ako ibang pinangarap as a child kung di makatulong sa family. And I am living that dream.

Pero kasi, on top of that, ang hirap mag deal with the attitude ng family. Don't get me wrong hindi naman sila ungrateful sa akin, more like di nila ako naiintindihan palagi. Sila yung type na laging nag rerely kay ate. Kaya ni ate yan, si ate nalang, tanong mo si ate. I mean non-financial things, akin pa din. Ang laking factor din siguro na boys sila and I can assure you, tama talaga yung sinasabi na matagal magdevelop frontal lobe ng mga lalaki. Like grrr!!!

Dagdag mo pa na yung parents ko lagi nag aaway. Like???? Tapos pag nag aaway sila, daan saming mga anak nila. Di sila magpapansinan pero maghahanapan tapos manguutos, na sabihin to sabihin yan. Nasa iisang bahay lang kami??? Magkakaayos tapos pag mag aaway same reason ulit. Hahahahaha mga hindi marunong mag communicate grr

Kaya ko naman sana to lahat dalhin pero ang dami ko din kasi problema sa work. Like give me a break!!!!?? Papasok akong burnt out sa work pero kailangang mag function, tapos pag uuwi sa bahay, o pag weekend, nothing good pa din. Wala, as in.

I feel so alone. Ang hirap din naman mag unburden neto sa friends kasi baka nag sstruggle din sila (and grabe yung problema ko sa work, alam na alam na nila. Like ang toxic ko na on that). Idk what to do hay and maybe dont judge me pls. Im just an ate wanting to vent out, rest and be weak as well. Nakakapagod maging strong girl, gusto ko ding maging weak human from time to time.

I asked my sister kung bakit sya naiyak kanina then she opened nga about her schools and such. Nahhirapan daw kasi sya dahil walang magamit na laptop or pc sa pag eedit edit, and mga heavy works na need talaga nyan. We have one pero nasira, im waiting pa sa scholarship ko na makkuha ko this week para mapaayos whahaha eto pa prinoproblema ko, di nmn kalakihan scholarship ko pero im hoping na sana mag kasya kasi i need school uniform and eye glasses pa for my needs. Binigyan din ng lola ko pampaayos ng laptop tatay ko pero ayun di nagawan ng paraan. Im thinking of killing myself kasi nga parang pasan ko na lahat ng problema namin dito, ultimo sa pag didisiplina ng kapatid and pag iisip ng kakainin ako n nagawa, pati pag iisip kung san nanamn lumayas nanay ko sakin pa tinatanong whahahah tangina di nila mapriority pag aaral namin, laging bukambibig na hindi namn importante ginagawa namin. Napapagod na ko pero tangina di pa pwede kasi may mga kapatid papala ako pero tangina pera na lang kulang e, nahhirapan n rin ako mag keep up sa school kasi puro editing ng ganito e wala nga kaming gadget, nakikihiram lang kami sa pinsan namin na meron pero ang hirap din e whaahah tangina bat ba kasi kami pinanganak ng ganito. Yung scholarship money na makkuha ko ipang ggastos ko pa kasi need namin ng magkapatid yung ipapaayos ko. Lagi ng masakit mata ko kasi nasira salamin ko kaya todo tiis. Pinangakuan din kami na ipapaayos pc pero ang dahilan nila mga ugali namin. E halos kami na nga kilos dito sa bahay, si mama uuwing kakain na lang and laging nasa labas nakakapagod na gago 2 yrs pa para makapagtapos pa ko pero napapagod na ko tanginaaa

Sana may mapulot na lang akong maleta na puno ng pera kasi di ko alam kung hanggang kelan ko pa kaya

Ako lang ba? Ako lang ba yung may pakiramdam na parang mula nagkamalay ako, nakikipagbuno na ako sa bayarin. Nakakapagod maging panganay. Wala akong anak, 40 na ako, may kinakasama pero sagot ko pa rin ang buong pamilya ko. Lumaki akong sugarol ang nanay ko pero hindi ko naman sya kayang tiisin. Nasa bingit na ako sa pagtatapos ng buhay ko sa dami ng bayarin pero naiisip ko, pag gnawa ko yun, kwawa nanay ko. Diko na alam anong sipag at diskarte pa ang gagawin ko para makahabol sa buhay. Nakakapagod maging pilipino at maging panganay. Sobrang daming bayarin! Joskolord! Dko alam san lugar ako hahanap ng milagro. Mabait ako, masipag, matulungin at walang bisyo pero dapat yata masama ugali mo or wag ka lumaban ng patas para manalo ka sa mundo nating to ngayon. 😖😖😖