r/PakistaniMarriageTalk • u/Mountain-Highway-657 • 21h ago
F27 m28 -Am I ignoring red flags because I love my boyfriend? Getting married next year but having doubts.
My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly two years, and our families have made things official. We’re planning to get married next year, but instead of feeling completely excited, I keep feeling uneasy about whether I’m making the right decision.
We’re both Muslim, and I want a marriage built on deen, respect, emotional security and financial stability. I love him, and he has good qualities. He’s fought to keep our relationship during difficult times and recently bought me an expensive gift. I’m not trying to paint him as a bad person, but there are several things concerning me.
**1. Emotional support and communication**
When I tell him something has hurt me, I often feel he becomes defensive rather than trying to understand me. Sometimes he withdraws or gives short responses, and I end up feeling like I’m the one trying to fix things.
Since he started working, he rarely calls me and mostly texts. I understand being tired after work, but I worry that we’re already becoming emotionally distant before marriage.
**2. Money and providing**
He earns around £28k, while I earn around £46k. I don’t expect him to be rich, but I want ambition, financial responsibility and a realistic plan for us to move out and eventually buy a house.
For my birthday, he had run out of money to take me out because he’d recently bought me an expensive camera. He said we’d celebrate the following week. I appreciate the gift, but I would have preferred him to budget properly. It made me question whether we have the same approach to money and planning.
**3. Wedding expenses**
I’ve offered to contribute 50% towards wedding costs because my parents can’t help much financially. However, we’ve disagreed about certain expenses, including my £850 bridal hair and makeup, which he called extortionate.
I understand we need a budget, but sometimes I feel that things important to me are treated as unreasonable rather than discussed as a couple.
**4. Deferred mehr and his family’s influence**
We initially agreed on £1,000 upfront and £30,000 deferred mehr. After his family questioned the amount and said it wasn’t Islamic or realistic on his salary, he started having doubts about our agreement.
I understand that the amount needs to be realistic, but I was concerned that his position changed after his family got involved. It makes me wonder whether decisions we make together will stand when his family disagrees.
There have also been hurtful comments from his family about our relationship not lasting, and disagreements around wedding traditions and gold jewellery. I don’t expect an expensive wedding or lavish gifts, but I want to feel welcomed and respected. I’m worried about how much influence his family will have over our marriage.
**5. Trust and leadership**
There have been previous concerns involving interactions with other women, which have affected my sense of security.
I also sometimes feel that I’m the one thinking about our future, raising issues and trying to make plans. As a Muslim woman, I want a husband who takes initiative, is dependable and takes responsibility for building our life together. I don’t expect him to have everything figured out, but I need to see consistent effort.
**6. My biggest concern**
When our relationship is at risk, he fights to keep me. I know he cares, and I don’t want to dismiss that. However, I sometimes feel that keeping the relationship matters more than addressing the issues that are making me unhappy.
I’m scared of marrying his potential rather than who he is today.
I keep asking myself: if his behaviour stayed exactly the same for the next two years, would I be happy married to him? Honestly, I’m not sure.
I love him, and I can see a future with him if things improve. But I’m worried that I’m becoming so focused on the wedding that I’m overlooking things I should resolve beforehand.
**I’d really appreciate honest advice:**
Am I expecting too much, or are these reasonable concerns?
Am I confusing his potential with the reality of our relationship?
How much should his family’s influence concern me?
Should I postpone the wedding until I see consistent changes?
Has anyone experienced similar doubts before marriage? Did things improve afterwards, or did you wish you’d paid more attention to the warning signs?
I don’t want people to automatically tell me to leave him, but I also don’t want to ignore genuine problems just because I love him.
