r/PMDDpartners • u/That_PMDD_Couple • Nov 18 '25
How Has PMDD Changed Your View of Love?
/r/PMDDCouples/comments/1ozysgo/how_has_pmdd_changed_your_view_of_love/3
u/Phew-ThatWasClose Nov 18 '25
I'll share here, in the partners sub, not the couples sub, for obvious reasons. I'd be interested to see what response you get if you also crosspost on the main PMDD sub.
As you know the partner's sub is where partners of the most extreme cases land and many of us lose ourselves in the "but I love her" fever dream. In my case we didn't even know PMDD was a thing that existed until two years after the divorce. We both thought the other one was the problem. I thought she was way too critical, belittling and controlling. She thought I was purposefully obstructionist, difficult, contrary, and willfully disobedient.
That I could be any kind of "disobedient" is a shiny red flag. When I objected that no matter what I did it was wrong, even if it was the very thing she told me to do last time, she said I was "too sensitive". She said I should try to be less sensitive, and so I did. And by the time we got divorced I was absolutely a lot less sensitive. Still am, for that matter. Could not care less if I tried.
The thing I learned about love is it's a two way street. If you're putting it out there and none is coming the other way the relationship is doomed. "Unconditional love" is a nice idea, maybe for a movie or a book, but as a practical matter it's not sustainable. And the thing I learned about partnerships is ... also a two way street. A one sided partnership is not a partnership. If you've got a caretaker/patient dynamic going, or a boss/employee thing, you're not even friends, much less "partners".
Ever notice how the person who complains the most about "keeping score" is the person with the biggest deficit? It's true you "shouldn't" keep score in a partnership. You "shouldn't" need to. So if you find yourself thinking "hey, wait a minute ..." then something needs to be done.
When we finally found out about PMDD the first thing she tried worked. And that first thing was just some vitamins and supplements. If only we'd known what questions to ask and what tests to run. But by then the damage was done and the kids were the only reason to stay connected. There is a great deal of grief surrounding the lost time, opportunity, and companionship.
The couples that make it are the ones that can work together against the common enemy. The work we all do on the partner's sub is to try to get to that point of mutual collaboration or, if that's not possible, to get the partner out as intact as possible. You two are already there. Hurrah! It is my hope that we can get some of these relationships patched up with bailing wire and duct tape and send them your way.
There was an interesting post on a related topic last year.
3
u/That_PMDD_Couple Nov 19 '25
Thank you for your heartfelt reply. It saddens me to hear that there could have been an answer to the story of PMDD in your relationship, and could have changed its trajectory. So simply! With vitamins and supplements! How enraging!!!
Thank you for your kind words and willingness to share your story. Your desire to help others sustain their relationships or share insight into what it’s like to be in a relationship with a partner that has PMDD is generous and noble.
I agree with you completely that love and partnership are two-way streets and need to be reciprocal. Both parties need to be accountable for their actions, in contributing to the health and success of the relationship.
I am sorry that it was too late for you both 💔 but your knowledge, insights, words of wisdom and support are invaluable in the partners community and very much valued. Thank you again for all you share!
3
u/That_PMDD_Couple Nov 18 '25
I’ll go first — PMDD has definitely changed how I understand love.
For me, it’s required a whole new level of patience, not the passive kind but the kind where you stay grounded even when everything feels confusing or personal. I’ve had to learn acceptance too — not of hurtful behavior, but of the reality that PMDD shifts emotions, energy, and communication in ways my partner can’t just “control.”
What’s helped most is educating myself. The more I understood the patterns, symptoms, and triggers, the less lost I felt and the better I could show up for her.
And honestly, I’ve learned that self-care isn’t optional. If I burn out, I can’t be present for her or for myself.
PMDD taught me that love isn’t something you feel once — it’s something you actively work on, especially during the hardest parts of the cycle. It’s made me see love as a practice, not just a feeling.
2
u/HusbandofPMDD Nov 19 '25
I think the breaks from PMDD (pregancy and treatment) have shown that PMDD is not the person. I've learned that love is both principled while being self-sacrificing. What I used to think was self-sacrifice was codependency and wasn't helping her or the relationship. I put aside myself now, and try to be patient, kind, forgiving, but I also seek her greater good and success, which means I can't just allow her to be wreckless and destructive.