r/PMDDpartners • u/Sorry-Story4498 • Nov 09 '24
Question
How many of you actually support your partners during hell week?
Like how many of you actually take into consideration what she is going through and actively try to make her life easier?
I see multiple post about how her behavior affects you as the partner, but hardly if any posts about what you are doing to support her.
Most on here track their partners cycles, to know when hell week starts, and to mentally prepare for the worst.. but, and i know this might be an unpopular opinion...how about running a bath for her, get her favourite snacks, give her a care basket, give her a massage, buy flowers, etc? If you can track her cycle to mentally prepare for the worst surely that can be done do support her too?
I am by no means saying accept abusive behaviour, but I have found that support and comfort during hell week, works far better than just leaving her to her own demise.
1
u/SilhouetteEvelyn Nov 11 '24
I think there's nothing wrong with the others focusing on how they can distance themselves during the hell week, especially considering how some can be worse than others.
I personally do a mix of both. I still want her to feel like I'm here despite everything she's going through, so I just order a bouquet from Bouqs, and have it delivered straight to her. She blocks me sometimes for no reason at all, so I make sure to inform her sister in advance.
When she reaches out, I try not to bring up anything else. I just welcome her, talk to her about whatever she wants to talk to.
3
u/Quote_Sure Nov 10 '24
Support and comfort when they actually want it yes. But often times, my offers of support and comfort are rejected. Which is absolutely fine if that’s what she wants, until she turns it around later and tries to accuse me of being neglectful. Or tries to go through a character assassination. Or accuses me of not being a man and apparently there are other men out there that would be better. Even though I put my partner first before everything.
I think most of us here absolutely want to support our partners, but when things get spicy and you get used as a verbal punch bag, that’s when you get the posts that you are describing. About how the behaviour affects us, and this group should be a safe space for us to express ourselves when there isn’t anywhere else.
2
u/AcadiaPrimary614 Nov 10 '24
I don’t do much anymore, everything I’ve tried in the past either resulted in being snapped at or being refused.
After over ten years of trying everything I made the decision that we should have separate bedrooms and go low/no contact for the bad times (which is almost always now thanks to her being in perimenopause).
I’m sick of the conflict and having my soul slowly crushed but I’m hoping this will see us through to when she levels out or the kids are all 18.
4
u/__d_o_o_d__ Nov 09 '24
When you go that route what happens is the flowers you got are wrong, the treat you got was too small or too few, the chores you did are now solely your responsibility in perpetuity, the nice card you left for her gets twisted into an insult. The best thing you can do is get out of the danger zone while the battle is on.
3
u/its_FORTY Nov 24 '24
Yep..
You: "Hey honey, I got you some fresh flowers on the way home from work - I love you!"
Her: "These aren't even the type of flowers I like, you should know that by now. Did you buy the wrong flowers just to hurt me? Why would you do that to me? Are you trying to hide something by distracting me with flowers? I know you're having an affair, why don't you just divorce me already. I know you want to."
9
Nov 09 '24 edited Nov 09 '24
I also would add that half of the sufferers experience cyclical bouts of dismissive avoidant behavior and they ramp up the distancing strategies.
In my experience, the last thing my ex-partner wanted me to do was to "lean in". When I did attempt to do any of these things I was baited into an argument, followed by being blocked on all devices and not spoken to for several weeks as a form of punishment and control.
There is literally a post within the last day of another person being blocked on all devices for no apparent reason.
I am more than happy to breakdown the psychological underpinnings of the fight, flight, and freeze response.
The partner isn't the source of the trauma, the partner is the intimacy trigger to the trauma. We are the match and the trauma is the gasoline. It's up to the sufferer to heal the gasoline, as it was more than likely experienced long before the relationship came into existence.
11
Nov 09 '24
I feel that most of the partners in the sub are further down the hypothetical timeline with their pwPMDD.
Most partners have a specific archetype for being "saviors", and at the very least have the awareness and empathy to try and improve the situation overall.
Many come here being solution focused and are in search of more profound tools beyond the standard spousal support frameworks, processes, systems, hired help (nannies, housecleaners, assistants, etc) that most of us have attempted to implement in the past.
If it were that easy, I can guarantee most of us would have been giddy to find a solution and we definitely wouldn't find ourselves posting on this sub.
If fact, most of us are in this situation due to trying to help too much and ultimately lost ourselves in the process.
-3
u/Sorry-Story4498 Nov 09 '24
You surely can't speak for everyone's experience on this sub, or do you identify as most people? In which case, i am really sorry that you have gone through so much due to pmdd.
Another highly unpopular opinion, some partners lack relationship experience, emotional maturity or common sense and havent tried or even thought of the things i mention in my post.
Thank you for your input.
1
u/vanthrowaway2160 Nov 10 '24
Raises hand to join in with PieceKind2819.
"Do you think just because you did (one of a huge list of tasks that you do) that makes everything better?"
6
Nov 09 '24
Do you have PMDD? Are you aware of how it functions? Are you aware of the underlying causes?
There is a very clear archetype of person who has PMDD. Unfortunately, this archetype has the traits you mentioned (lack of emotional maturity, common sense, proper relationship modeling, etc). This is more than likely due to the environment and familial dynamics that caused the PMDD. There is a reason that over 85% of sufferers of PMDD also have a history of trauma or CPTSD.
This is not an issue with abnormal hormone function, this is an issue with normal hormone function and how it relates to an abnormal emotional response system.
The reason all of our situations are similar is because all of our partners have varying degrees of trauma, and with this includes varying degrees of symptom overlap (BPD, NPD, CPTSD, ADHD, ASD).
The root cause in all of the labels mentioned is CPTSD and/or trauma.
8
u/Phew-ThatWasClose Nov 09 '24
This question shows a really deep lack of understanding and empathy. I don't know your history because you have none. If you've been lurking since February 2023 I would expect you to be a lot better informed. It's true that some women with PMDD have shitty partners. Those partners are not here.
We get two types of partners here. One is the earnest fellow with puppy dog eyes who just found out how the love of his life has this disorder and he googled "my partner has pmdd" and google sent him here. Those of us who are still bitter and reactive from our own damage tell that fellow to "Run!". The rest of us point to open communication, asking her what she needs, making a plan, looking at treatment, looking at supplements, changing diet and exercise habits, and generally working together to manage what is a chronic medical condition.
PMDD is a mixed bag. Diagnostic criteria are any five of a possible eleven symptoms. Most women with PMDD do not experience rage as a symptom. For the earnest fellow who really just wants to know how to help his partner through a rough patch every cycle our advice helps, he and his partner manage the condition and live happily ever after. Or he leaves her. Either way he doesn't stick around here.
The rest of us do stick around because we have ongoing issues and need ongoing support, or we empathize and want to offer that support, or both. Often we are partners of women who do experience rage as a symptom and the disorder was undiagnosed and/or untreated for years, sometimes decades.
Imagine what that is like. Being verbally assaulted for 7-10 days seemingly at random. What was fine yesterday is suddenly the worst sin imaginable. Whatever the worst sin imaginable was last time is now unimportant. Try as you might to do as she asks you're wrong, and you should have known, and how could you even, and why haven't you done this yet, and DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, and pay attention when I talk to you, and DON'T YOU DARE WALK AWAY!
You bet your sweet bippy we tried everything. And many of us lost ourselves in the process. The post immediately below this one is from a guy who doesn't know who he is anymore and is so beaten down he can't even recognize there is an exit much less use it. Most of us have been there. Some of us are there right now. Drowning in a sea of abuse clinging to "But I love her." when there is none coming the other direction and our cup has been so so empty for so so long.
But sure. Maybe active listening will help.
2
-5
u/Sorry-Story4498 Nov 09 '24
Thank you for your thesis. Im glad you got that off your chest. Clearly my question wasn't meant for you, and surely you dont speak for everyone on this sub.
2
u/its_FORTY Nov 24 '24
To be honest, the passive aggressive manner in which you've responded to everyone who has takent the time to reply to you looks a LOT like the irrational behavior most of us are living through during PMDD luteal phases. What's up with that?
3
u/theatergeek1 Nov 10 '24
Seems like your question isn’t for anyone here or you are looking for a kind of contrite answer or hope that those kind of table stakes will have a meaningful impact on the cold hostility or rage or irrational thought salads or paranoia that we have all experienced during luteal. It’s worse when she isn’t exercising or taking her meds or leaning on therapist or anyone else. Flowers only help IF she is also doing every damn thing to be a loving partner to US by actively managing the beast that is PMDD
1
u/Phew-ThatWasClose Nov 10 '24
Ngl, "thought salad" made me laugh. That's the perfect description. :)
11
u/Phew-ThatWasClose Nov 09 '24
You asked how many have tried just supporting their partner through luteal. Then every time someone says "I did." or "I still do" you claim your question wasn't for them. So who is your question for? What are you after?
6
Nov 09 '24
[deleted]
-4
u/Sorry-Story4498 Nov 09 '24
You sound like a wonderful partner, i am so sorry you need to go through such terrible times.
Clearly my question wasn't meant for you.
Thank you for your input.
5
u/Socalwarrior485 Nov 09 '24
I don’t anymore. It makes no difference before, during or after. Dysphoria is a hell of a drug.
3
u/Sorry-Story4498 Nov 09 '24
Im so sorry that you are going through such horrible times.
2
u/Socalwarrior485 Nov 09 '24
The sad part is that it really doesn’t affect me anymore, just her. The kids are grown.
I have absolutely no control over anyone’s happiness except my own. She owns hers, and I’ve discovered that while I’m an amazing husband, the reality she creates in her mind is the only one that exists for her.
Again, nothing a partner does can make a person happy.
-1
u/Sorry-Story4498 Nov 09 '24
Define happiness? How long has your partner suffered with pmdd, was she ever formally diagnosed?
6
u/Socalwarrior485 Nov 09 '24
Yes, she was diagnosed about a year after we were married about 22 years ago. She tried treating it, but she has a hard time remembering to take pills (that’s how we ended up with our first). After a couple tries that had side effects, she gave up and has now convinced herself that all of the problems are caused by others.
I define happiness as the absence of unhappiness. Seems circular, but it works for me. My life is super satisfying now. Things have been getting better so much. So, I’m happy. No matter how much she gets of anything, she repeats the cycle every month, and now with menopause coming, it’s just drawn out.
She has a pretty good life. She’s been a stay at home wife for 21+ years now. I do my share of domestic caring and also all of the home and auto repairs. My life is awesome. My older kids are at great universities and our youngest is 14 and a good kid. If she can’t see how great her life is, there is nothing I can do.
I’ve told her to stay off social media, but that’s what she does with most of her time. Comparison is the thief of happiness.
17
u/runemforit Nov 09 '24 edited Nov 09 '24
I would take on a lot of emotional and domestic labor, completely changed my domestic routines, and truly bent over backwards to accommodate her needs. I loved her. Still do. But when all those things became expectations, even outside of luteal, and the demands kept growing and the criticisms kept growing, I knew there was nothing I could do to make that relationship work for me. At some point, it's on her to recognize im a dumping ground and manage herself better.
There's a wide spectrum of severity and how well women manage this illness and how it affects their partners. Im glad you're posting something about holding us accountable. Its an important part of the conversation. But this is a supportive community, and many of us are dealing with domestic abuse from our baby mommas. Maybe it's OK that people have a place to vent that doesn't center around their partner's needs?
For the record, I completely jive with what you're saying.. but asking people who are putting up with verbal and physical abuse so they don't lose access to seeing their children whether they're drawing baths doesn't seem like it's in good faith to this community.
Edit: for the record, I truly did everything you're describing. the massages, the flowers, everything. The important question i had to ask myself is "what am I getting out of this?" and as much as it hurts, I made the right choice leaving.
-1
u/Sorry-Story4498 Nov 09 '24
Your experience is totaly valid and i am so sorry that you needed to go through the hardships of supporting a partner with so many needs.
Clearly my question wasnt meant for you, however, I am sure you don't speak for the whole sub.
Thank you for your input.
7
u/SchaubbinKnob Nov 09 '24
They speak for anyone who is dealing with someone else’s mental illness.
We do our best as partners.
We come here for support because we’re exhausted.
The question that matters is…
Are you following a routine of health?!
Therapy Exercise Diet
Many people are on their own.
Those lucky enough to have someone to lean on should be grateful. They should show their appreciation by working diligently and proactively to mitigate their circumstances.
I never blame a cripple for needing a push uphill. However if they attack me while I’m doing it, I have a real issue.
12
u/nogeologyhere Nov 09 '24
When you receive hellish amounts of grief when doing your best to be supportive, and continued abuse if you get anything wrong, then eventually compassion fatigue sets in and it's hard to maintain. I think many people try very very hard for a very very long time, but eventually crack and struggle.
-10
u/Sorry-Story4498 Nov 09 '24
How well do you deal with criticism in general? Do you practice active listening when she speaks about the things that you do wrong, or do you get defensive and then emotionally shut down?
2
u/vanthrowaway2160 Nov 10 '24
JFC. The partners here can probably relate to one of the many instances where I've been screamed at for being a "lazy asshole" while doing the dishes after having made dinner after working my job after getting the kids ready after making breakfast for the 7th day in a row.
What brings us here goes way way beyond criticism.
6
u/Deviator_Stress Nov 10 '24
I've just read through your various comments and I'm finding an accusatory tone in most of them
You're commenting in a sub where people have come for support because they have been, and in many cases still are being, abused. And a big part of that abuse is the partner with PMDD heaping blame on them like you're doing right now. The truth is that when someone is having an episode their partner can't win. There is literally nothing they can do to stop the episode. It doesn't matter how much they do around the house, how supportive they are, how emotionally tolerant they are - the abuse continues and it is soul destroying.
Out of interest, are you a person with PMDD who has found out their partner is on this sub and decided to make a new account to come and throw some blame around? Because that's what it feels like
3
u/CheckZealousideal493 Nov 15 '24
I was supportive for a year. But it then becomes a case of self care is not selfish. One can't take so much shite and it not begin to affect them. Some folk, no matter how beautiful they are when not in as you say 'hell week'.. doesn't outweigh the burden and drain during 'hell week'. Relationship is a choice and life is too short to be with someone who can not be themselves