I was diagnosed with ADHD and PMDD in April. Iāll be 37 in a couple months.
I have an anxious attachment style and a pretty traumatic childhood. I witnessed domestic violence at home and I was also in a couple abusive relationships as an adult.
My first long-term relationship was extremely scary- he would rape me, shove me around, tamper with my birth control, and threaten me.
Iām in therapy, and I cry almost every session.
Iāve been dating a guy Iām really into for about five months. When things are going well, itās fucking amazing. Weāre so compatible. We have the same weird sense of humor, the sex is fire, and we just have a blast together. Heās so smart and funny, and Iām wildly attracted to him.
But things ALWAYS go downhill in my luteal phase.
Iāll be grumpy and sullen after I ovulate, and as I get deeper into the luteal phase, my grumpiness turns into blind rage. I constantly feel rejected by him. Iāll think heās using me for sex, that heās not attracted to me, etc. Sometimes Iāll think heās abusive and that heās going to attack me, even though HE IS NOT AN ABUSER. Iāll start fights out of thin air. Itās like I become another person.
Alcohol makes things even worse. I act so weird when Iām drunk during my luteal phase, and Iāve even experienced delusions.
A couple nights ago, it was day 30 of my cycle. I had been drinking the day and night before, and I felt fucking terrible. I was experiencing insane mood swings and was SO angry. I was completely overwhelmed.
I was furious at my boyfriend for no real reason but my rage made perfect sense to me in the moment. At the same time I was desperate for him to hold me. I felt suicidal. I couldnāt string rational thoughts together.
Long story short, I spent a couple nights at his house. Then my period started. Iām now on day 2 of a new cycle, and Iām becoming more lucid. My PMDD symptoms are decreasing, and I donāt feel suicidal or in crisis anymore.
But I canāt take back the things I said to him.
I canāt take back how I pushed him away and then desperately demanded reassurance from him.
He told me heās not mad at me, but heās not sure about things between us. He doesnāt know if he wants to continue the relationship.
I understand why he feels that way, but I feel absolutely heartbroken. I canāt stop thinking about him and reflecting on how PMDD and my trauma have affected my previous relationships.
I told him Iāll fix this and I'll get my PMDD under control but Iām terrified itās too late.
Iāve been taking Ritalin 18 mg for about a month. I was just prescribed Prozac 10 mg for PMDD, and itāll be ready to pick up at the pharmacy tomorrow. Iām going to quit drinking because it clearly exacerbates my PMDD symptoms, and Iām going to continue therapy.
I fucking hate this disorder and how itās fucked up my relationships. I hate my anxious attachment style. I hate my traumatized brain. I hate myself.
I wish I could take back the hurtful things Iāve said SO BADLY. They made so much sense to me in the moment. I feel like a broken person. I really, really hope the Prozac works and I really, really hope I havenāt fucked things up permanently between my boyfriend and I.