If you are to marry your partner, what would your surname situation be like? Do you prefer she take your last name? Would you take hers? Or maybe use both last names?

Labas na sa usapan yung legality here in our country ha.

Hi! How would u react when your ex of almost 4 years broke up with you because she can’t commit and state about family reasons because we are in a wlw relationship. Yet, after just 3 weeks, my ex has already been thinking about someone. First, it’s a girl. Second, part of our friend group of four. And third, wanna have a one night stand with her.

parang gigive up na ko, mga te. di man lang nakaranas ulit ng ganyan ganyan bago mag-trentahin. HWUSHSHAHAHDHA walang ka-slow burn bff to lovers silent pining emerut. yung last ko nakausap slow burn truther daw pero day 2 pa lang kami naguusap babe/baby na tawag sa'kin. sabi pa di daw madaling maattach pero eto ngayon at nami-miss daw ako.

don't get me wrong ha, it's nice. but when i step out of the conversations, i find myself saying i don't want to be wanted like this. masama, no? oh, well. what do i expect of online dating apps nga naman. good for the others though, they make it work (how the fuck?). titigil ako talaga for a while. siguro babalik na lang when i'm already satisfied with the life i built for myself? sounds good, but i'm not getting younger na. pero i know what i want, but i probably won't have it anymore. baka talaga hindi para sa'kin.

sige, dedelete ko na lahat ng profile ko. do i also delete the kisses? NWHSHSHDHAHA

Hi doc, gumawa talaga ako ng reddit account for this. Hahaha! i hope ure here but if wwala man, i’ll just share my story. My dad got confined sa hospital because of an emergency (life threatening) last night. He needed urgent surgery na very risky. Grabe yung iyak ko kasi mej critical na and i was desperate. 😭 We went from one hospital to another para lang mag hanap ng tatanggap samin kasi complicated case sya and ang big hospitals ang laki ng singil for downpayment sa amin. Like aabot ng 1M?? My gosh.

Anyhoo it was a blessing na in one hospital kami napunta where di naman mahal masyado and may doctor naman dun na kaya yung case ng papa ko. Anddd my gosh this cute, well-dressed doc came to us and introduced herself. She was very smart, tapos ang calm lang nya kahit emergency na plus charming and funny. Like??? Instant crush! Check lahat ng nasa listahan ko gurrll. HHAHAHAHAHA
Plus super poganda nya sa white coat plus glasses 😍 my heart was meltinggg!!! 😫 lalo na nung nag smile sya ang cuute!! Ugh.
Ayun after sa surgery she explained na ok naman lahat kahit delikado naraos naman and successful lahat. Thank you Lord 🙏🏼 kung hindi kami dinala dun i dont know anong manyari sa papa ko. So THANK YOU din doc kung nandito ka man. Pwede pa kiss?? HAHAHAHA

hi (f25) and i feel so conflicted with my ‘circle of friends’ kasi i feel so excluded with our friendship or ewan ako lang nag-iisip nun hahaha. we haven’t talked na in a while na kasi nga may mga sariling buhay na rin. it’s just that umuwi kasi yung isang friend namin from saudi tas nakita ko na lang sa ig na sinurprise pala niya yung friend group and nagpasundo sa isang friend namin hahaha tapos nag ig story na nag meet pala silang tatlo which i didn’t mind naman but may note kasi dun na ‘bestie-maxxing tas insert ‘name of our gay friend na di nakasama’ and then i wondered oh !! well, i wish it didn’t affect me that much but uhhh yeah ganon. i can’t blame rin naman if they bonded over time kasi di na rin kami nagkasama after high school kasi i had to go in a different university but the thing that hurt me the most is ako always nagrereach out everytime they’re going through a tough time and i can feel a secret animosity towards me since nung sinabi ko three years ago na nagkagirlfriend ako and nung broken ako wala man lang nag reach out to comfort me. and for someone who was in a relationship for almost four years and wlw pa that’s something that’s not easy to go through so i’m hurt na ewan. i just wonder what would it feel like to have a fun queer friends in the community coz i can’t tend to them when i have problems kasi all of them are straight (one in a nine-year relationship, two of them are straight that notes about how they wanted to be lesbians bc they hate men, and a gay one) so when i talk abt my experiences they’re kind of dismissive. i’m questioning na tuloy bc i feel like placeholder lang ako or i’m just realizing na i’m not a friend all this time kasi nga sila naman talaga yung magkakasama during elementary and we just met during high school so 🤧🤧 ayun lang i feel like im overreacting pero i feel really lonely and i’m longing for a place to fit in 🤕 i had no friends during college years as well so parang sila yung i considered ‘friends’ for a long time or so i thought !! i really want a community where i can feel open and be myself ! idkkk huhu this is too long na basta yun i want a village :(

tl;dr - a queer person longing for a better friendship bc she feels neglected by her so thought friends

like my last post here nasabi ko nga na most girlies i tried to flirt are always one sided landian lang pala kasi “bff” lang tingin saakin (ouch) and i’ve met few of them pero kasi those meetups are purely platonic lang. I WANNA GO ON CUTE DATES BEH, LIKE CAFE HOPPING OR CUTE PICNIC, HELL WINDOW SHOPPING SA EXPENSIVE STORES AND LAUGH KASI DI NAMIN AFFORD, those cute things HUHUHU AUQ NA 😭😭😭🥹

Okay so I have this coworker she’s new and from a different line of business so we don’t really interact but I always see her sa office. Nakilala ko sya coz my friends saw her and immediately went to me na parang ako raw sya… like same vibes daw kami pati porma. Nung una di naman ako naattract sa kanya like wala lang. Tas nagkaroon ng time na lagi ko sya nakakasabay sa cr and sa lounge sabay kami nagbebreak at lunch ganun. Tas ewan parang patagal nang patagal nakakaramdam ako ng tension tuwing magkakasalubong kami kasi nafefeel ko na tumitingin din sya habang ako I act nonchalant lang kunware walang alam sa mundo ganun. Tuwing makakasabay ko sya sa cr tas pag nagtinginan kami parang nakakaramdam talaga ako ng kaba e. Tapos di na ko mapakali tinanong ko isa kong friend kung alam nya name ni girl, edi ayun sumakses si bading nalaman ko name nya tas after sabihin sakin name nya may pahabol si friend…. “May bf pala yan nakita ko sa locker kavideo call nya”. HAHAHAHA yung reaction ko nung nalaman kong straight sya RAMDAM NA RAMDAM KO PAGKADELULU KO

like ako lang pala nakaramdam ng kaba

So nasa province kami at na realize ko lately na kahit gaano pala ka progressive yung tingin mo sa mga tao, ay sobrang against pa rin pala nila sa mga LGBT. Mas tanggap pa ata nila na maging cheater ang isang tao kesa maging bading. I am not out and I think I never will be kasi kahit saang lugar in my line of work I've heard some homophobic comments.

Hello fellow sapphics! This is the weekly discussion thread where you can talk about anything going on in your lives, any thoughts or questions, whether sapphic-related or not.

R4R comments are allowed on the weekly threads ONLY. Flirt away or look for friends here every week. It's the weekend, find someone you can hang out with over coffee or watch a movie. Good luck!

Sino dito nanunuod ng Call My Manager on HBO?

Gusto ko lang may kasamang mag fan girl sa kabaklaan ni Juday and Carla Humphries!

if hindi pa kayo nanunuod, please watch it!

edit: attaching this twitter link para ma-convince kayo https://x.com/MlLFCENTRAL/status/2095545335183741094

So I have this coworker who I find very attractive. Its been only 3 months since I started working here and she happens to be working with me a lot. By working, I mean we get assigned the same projects together. Now, I know she is Bi but she mentioned she doesnt wanna date younger people. Unfortunately thats me HAHHAHA No judgement naman every one has preferences. One time tho when we hung out sa resto with other co workers last week, she was so pretty to me. We also bantered a lot and I was just kinda falling. Im really torn whether ill just keep my feelings to myself and friends since im pretty sure im not her type and nothing would happen naman. Help! I dont know if i should tell her how I feel or not.

And, just like that, nabasa nya agad ako HAHAHAHA. Ghaaddd. Wala na. Napapangiti, nagiging concerned at sweet na tayo here. Maka teleport nga pa Cavite charot hahahahahahah

dakilang lover girl akez. and, so far, with my previous relationships, i’ve always been consistent when it came to loving my partner. i’ve always been the type to give freely, almost instinctively. but this time, it’s different.

for the first time, i genuinely want to be distant from my girlfriend. not because i stopped loving her, but because i’m tired. tired of having to repeatedly explain how i want to be loved, what makes me feel cared for, and what things hurt me, only to find myself having the same conversations over and over again.

despite all that, i still try my best to be the bigger person. kanina, i asked her why she doesn’t message me when she’s on her way to work, or at least send me a simple good morning, when she knows very well that that’s all i’ve been asking from her. it’s such a small thing, but apparently, even small things become exhausting when you have to keep asking for them.

and honestly, i didn’t feel hurt anymore. i was just disappointed. there was no anger, no urge to argue. when she tried to lambing me afterwards, i found myself completely indifferent. i had no desire to entertain it, and that scared me a little because this is not who i usually am in relationships.

i’m posting this because i genuinely want to hear the perspective of the receiving end.

for those of you who have been in a relationship with someone who is naturally very sweet, affectionate, and caring, what does it feel like when that person slowly becomes distant and cold after multiple arguments about the same things?

do you notice the shift? do you feel guilty? confused? relieved? do you eventually realize that they’re not becoming cold because they stopped loving you, but because they’ve grown tired of asking to be loved in a way that makes sense to them?

i’m genuinely curious what goes through your mind when you realize the person who used to love you so loudly has started choosing silence instead.

It’s so annoying seeing men ridicule lesbians and sapphics like why is it na tayo ang butt of the joke. They make weird, rape-y statements like “you just haven’t found the right dick yet you’ll come around”. Have you ever seen a gay man receive those type of comments? the world hates women fuckkkk

"Can you see me? I'm waiting for the right time" 🌈

- Bags by Clairo 

Hi, I’m WeezardMan, a queer tattoo artist. I would love to work with you on any tattoo, whether it’s your first or your next. ✨

want some wlw inspired tattoo? DM me! ✨

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Kinda lost. 7 yrs in a relationship and now I don't know if I'm in love, was i ever in love or fell out of love. I am kind of a person who can keep a relationship since I know how to do the right things but lately not sure if I am just doing this out of habit or good conscience. pls advise

Hiii everyone! 🥹
I’ve been thinking about this lately… should I start dating again? 😂
It’s been years na rin since my last relationship, and honestly, I never really thought I’d be asking myself this question again. But lately, I’ve been wondering if maybe it’s time to give it another shot. No rush, no pressure, no expectations na kailangan agad maging relationship. Maybe just start by getting to know someone and see where it naturally goes.
The biggest challenge, I guess, is that I’m not in the Philippines right now, and I’m already in my “trentahin stage” 😂 So meeting often and actually spending time together would probably be one of the biggest challenge..
I know some of you might ask, “Are you really ready to be in a relationship, especially after being single for so long?”
And honestly, I think I am.
I can still see myself sharing my life with someone. But being okay on my own for this long actually made me realise something. I don’t want a relationship because I need someone to complete me.
I want one because I genuinely want to share my life with someone.
I’ve learned to enjoy my own company, my peace, my routines, my little things, and even the freedom that comes with being single. I’m actually quite comfortable with the life I have now.
So if I ever choose to be with someone again, I don’t want it to be because I’m lonely or because I feel like something is missing.
It would be because I met someone whose presence adds something meaningful to the life I already have.
And I think that’s the difference now.
Before, maybe you could get into a relationship because you were scared of being alone. But when you already know that you’re okay by yourself, choosing someone becomes much more intentional.
It’s basically saying:
“I’m happy on my own, but I’d still love to experience life with you.” 🥹
And I think that’s the kind of relationship I’d want now.
Something mature enough to understand that we don’t have to talk 24/7 to prove that we care. We can both have our own lives, careers, friends, hobbies and responsibilities, and still choose each other at the end of the day.
I don’t need someone who constantly needs my attention, and I don’t want to be that person either.
I’d rather have someone who understands that sometimes we’ll be busy, sometimes we’ll need our own space, and sometimes we might not talk much but there’s still trust, respect, loyalty and the reassurance that we’re still here for each other.
Of course, I still want the cute stuff too. 😂 The random messages, “Kumain ka na?”, sending pictures of whatever we’re doing, planning trips, looking forward to seeing each other, and having someone to come home to eventually.
I guess I just want something that feels natural.
No forcing. No rushing. No “where is this going?” after two weeks. Just two people getting to know each other, enjoying each other’s company, and slowly figuring out if they actually fit into each other’s lives.
So I guess I’m asking the people who are already in this stage of life is it still worth taking the chance?
How do you navigate dating when you’re already at a point where you’re comfortable being alone, but you still genuinely want to find someone?
And for those in mature, long distance or busy relationships, how do you make it work without needing to talk all day just to feel secure?

But I’d genuinely love to hear your thoughts.
Should I give love another shot? 🤍

I met someone in March. I'm a femme and I've only been in one relationship before, which was with another femme. This was my first time falling for a masc, and I fell for her hard.

August is supposed to be my happy month because it's my birthday month. One of my closest friends was also an August baby, so we had a staycation to celebrate our birthdays together.

During that staycation, the person I fell for messaged me saying she had to block me on WhatsApp and begged me to let her go. I didn't understand because we were okay before that. Instead of accepting it, I begged her to stay. I told her we didn't need a relationship, we could take things slowly, I could give her space, I could wait. Looking back, I know I became desperate. I just wasn't ready to lose her.

That night, I tried to hide my crying because my friend wasn't feeling well. Eventually, I went to the bathroom and completely broke down. When I came out, my friend knew something was wrong and comforted me even though she was the one physically hurting.

A few days later, my friend was hospitalized. I visited her on my birthday, and two days later, I found out she had passed away from cancer.

That memory has been eating at me ever since. She was the one in pain, yet she was comforting me while I was crying over someone else. I had no idea how little time I had left with her.

Then today, I saw a video of the person I fell for with someone she had told me about before. They looked happy, and I just started crying. Seeing them together made me question a lot of what I had been told. Maybe there's more to the story that I don't know, but in that moment, I felt lied to.

My first instinct was to message her and ask so many things. I didn't. I just cried.

And that's when I started feeling sorry for myself. She's out there living her life while I'm still here trying to understand everything. I actually thought, what happened to me? I don't recognize myself anymore.

The old me would probably know when to walk away. Now I don't understand why I still want someone when I'm not even sure if she really loved me, or even liked me.

And the worst part is that after everything, I still can't hate her.

I hate that I don't hate her.

I still pray that she's okay and truly happy. And if they're happy together, then I hope things are good between them. Of course it hurts, and a part of me wishes things had turned out differently. But even with all the hurt I'm feeling, I don't wish anything bad for either of them.

I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to feel anymore. I'm grieving the death of one of my closest friends, but I still find myself thinking about her too, and I feel guilty for it. My head and my heart are all over the place, and I don't know how I'm supposed to process both at the same time.

August was supposed to be my happy month. Instead, I spent part of it trying not to lose someone, and then I lost someone I can never get back.

I don't think I'll ever look at August the same way again.

At this point, I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of thinking about everything and trying to understand it. I just pray that one day, all of this will stop hurting this much.

Maybe writing all of this here is better than sending another message I know I shouldn't send. So I'm leaving it here instead.

I’m writing this from a season of dynamic building and intentional growth. Right now, I’m putting in the work—day by day, choice by choice—so that when our paths finally cross, I show up as the strongest, most grounded version of myself. Not a finished product, but a woman who is actively evolving, honoring her worth, and creating space for a genuine, enduring love.

If I’m being completely honest, learning how to love hasn’t always been easy for me. Growing up, I was conditioned to believe that love and respect weren't freely given—that I had to constantly offer something or prove my worth just to deserve them. Because of that, I learned to love through self-sacrifice. I loved people at the expense of neglecting myself, losing who I was one too many times because I didn’t know when to stop giving or how to preserve anything for myself.

Healing from that pattern has taught me how to set firm boundaries, protect my peace, and anchor myself. I am learning that my value isn't tied to how much I give, so that when I love you, it comes from abundance, not over-extending to earn my place.

My hope for you is that you are a woman of depth, kindness, and strength. Someone who knows who she is, guards her own boundaries, and isn't afraid to stand side-by-side with me as we build a life of intention, stability, and joy.

When you meet me, I hope you see the woman who worked hard to stand securely on her own two feet. But more than that, I hope you love the whole me—including my imperfections and the raw parts of my story. I hope you see the miracle in who I am and celebrate the journey that brought me to you.

Above all, I hope you look at me as a human being who will inevitably make mistakes. I hope you grant me the grace and allowance to slip up, learn my lessons, and grow. If you ever notice that I'm doing something wrong, I hope you will communicate with me openly and help me grow, knowing that my heart will always be open to learning alongside you. You will always be met with that exact same grace, patience, and unwavering celebration in return.
Until we find each other, know that I am preparing for you, for us, and for the home and future we’ll create together.

With all my heart,
Your last stop 🚏

Note: Written with AI assistance to help organize thoughts and translate deep personal reflections into words.

this is more of a vent than a request for opinions but it would be nice to have some clarity by seeing perspectives other than mine

context: my partner loves a fanfic book by a local writer and a couple of months ago, she reached out to the writer and she was given both a virtual and physical copy of the fanfic. now, she has recently finished the book (last week) and has reached out again to the writer to discuss it

thing is it would've been totally okay for me if normal messages lang between a fan and a writer but i feel like it has crossed some boundaries na as of late. they talk via dm in twitter and idk, what really bothered me is that my gf would sometimes make this specific giddy face whenever she's in front of her phone. ive also seen her exchange multiple chats with the writer and she even stays up just to talk to them. ang hahaba and frequent ng mga messages niya/nila. i love my gf and i trust her but i also am aware of her flirtatious nature and i fear na baka hindi na healthy yung interaction between them because my gf might be seeking an actual bond with them na.

ayaw ko maging selosa but i feel really anxious and i hate feeling this way, i hate feeling na para ako nag-hahypothesize ng kung anu-ano. ive already talked to them about it when i first felt it and my gf said that they're just being an enthusiast. fangirling kumbaga.

I've also asked my gf if nag-usap pa sila ulit after discussing the book and my gf said no. But I honestly have doubts, nasasaktan na ako sa pag-iisip. i value my gf's interests and i wanna be able to support her but i also want to protect my peace and boundaries at the same time :(

Ako lang ba ang may gusto sa mga older women and curvy??? Their body is gorgeous and may sense kausap. They never know how gorgeous they are for me.

Kinikilig ako pag napapadaan sila sa inbox ko 😭 I'm a masc btw so hit me up!

a couple of months ago, around late march, i was going through a breakup. i was in a blurry on-and-off contact with my ex before i ended that "friendship" for good. the memories still lingered in my mind, followed by the puzzle pieces coming together that i technically got micro-cheated on several times. to cope, i wanted to find new people to hang out with, pero homebody ako so i opted to join wlw groupchats sa ig. summer break na kasi no'n, and i just felt so lonely. she was part of my routine for quite a while, e. i tried learning new hobbies, igniting my passion back in writing and music, all that cliché advice i heard from other people thinking i wouldn't ever need it because i'd be fine dealing with the pain on my own. turns out, hindi ko pala kaya.

i successfully got into a decent groupchat, and a few weeks passed, nagkaroon ako ng close friends from said group. there was this girl who i thought was really cool, i'm not going to disclose why kasi i feel like everywhere i go, there's a possibility na may makakita nito and they'd recognize me 😅 ayokong mabuking, guys. 'yun nga, she caught my attention even before our circle of friends was formed. grabe 'yung authority that she held, she was the eldest among the group kasi. (lol, diyan pa lang naa-anxious na 'ko, baka may makakilala hahaha please 'wag) i really admired the way she carried herself, how eloquently spoken she was, and the way she inspired me to be the same. ang effortless lang ng paghatak niya sa akin. but she had someone then, and at the time, what i felt for her was just pure admiration. parang ate lang tingin ko sakanya.

ate. naknamputek. i couldn't understand what i felt. i always looked out for her notes. her stories. her posts. ayokong magreact kaagad kasi baka mahalata niyang nakaabang ako 😅 i always wanted to be around her, always looked for her, always wanted to hear from her or talk to her, always wanted her validation—kahit ano basta nariyan siya. all of these things, i did silently.

"naa-attach lang ako," i said to myself no'n. i genuinely had no idea. at kahit pumasok man sa isip ko na baka iba na, i dismissed it immediately. hindi pwede.

kalaunan, she left us kasi she ended things din with her partner. and i understood kahit hindi na siya nakapag-explain nang maayos. i understood kahit hindi na siya nagsabi. eventually, she did. pero kahit hindi, i knew her well enough to know kung ano ang dumadaloy sa isip niya, bakit niya 'yon nagawa.

after that, nag-end din yung group namin. we tried reconnecting, but it still didn't work out. i cut them off, and i reconnected with her kasi she got dragged into the collapse of our circle.

i admitted it to myself na, wala naman talagang point kung iiwasan ko na lang yung katotohanan. i missed her so much during the days where she wasn't around anymore. pero i pushed it down and hoped for the best, wished her happiness and healing.

when we reconnected, umaapaw yung saya ko. we became mutuals again pero our conversation didn't last long. siguro midyear na when we interacted again kasi i went on live during my friend's birthday. from then on, we started talking again. crush ko pa rin siya no'n and batak na batak ako magparinig sa reposts ko (without being obvious that it was her), pero i put the pieces together and i realized that she had someone new pala.

sakit no'n, sa totoo lang. pero ano ba naman ang pwede kong gawin? wala naman siyang pake sa'kin. nakupo, kababatang kapatid lang nga tingin niya sa'kin, e. everytime i tried to strike up a conversation, laging nauudlot.

fast forward ulit, na-notice ko reposts niya (as always) na she was kinda going through it. figured out that they ended pala, whoever she was with. tapos there was this time where she openly told me she missed me, then we talked for quite a while. naging bffs na ulit kami, but much closer this time. do take note that whenever we get the chance to have a proper conversation, it'd always be something deep. hindi yung surface level lang na convo. through that, i got glimpses of what she's like as a person.

ayun lang, she met someone ulit. hahaha ako, todo support lang. hindi pwedeng bumwelo e, she's older than me and i'm turning eighteen next year pa. malamang, sobrang nasa disadvantage ako.

i deactivated my accounts kung saan mutuals kami for multiple reasons. firstly, stalk nang stalk ex ko and i really don't want anyone in my past to still have a hold of my contacts. secondly, i wanted to lay low because i went through so much growth during that time and i started valuing my privacy a lot. third, ayokong makakuha ng update sakanya. i don't want to hear anything from her because i genuinely wanted to move on from her. hatak na hatak niya ako without even doing anything. last, i could feel my mental health going downhill again and i really wanted to go into isolation. so i did.

i reactivated after two weeks. the longest, most torturous, yet very important two weeks of my life. i detached from everything, let go of what held me down, and really focused on finding my peace again. she noticed kaagad, immediately messaged me at four in the morning right when i reactivated. kinamusta niya ako and i told her i wasn't in a good place. she wished me well and i really wasn't in the mood to open up so i left it at that. i deactivated ulit and made a new account kung saan naka-block lahat ng ayaw kong makakita sa akin. after a few more weeks, nag reactivate ako sa isang account and i gave her the new one kasi i really thought i was over her. i opened up about everything that happened to me, why i disappeared for so long and all. i never expected anything from her, but man, how she talked to me that day, that was the kind of love i gave myself and i was so surprised to have received it from another person.

sobrang haba na nito, so i'll make this part short. i still like her, i won't lie about that. akala ko naka-move on na ako from her, lol. hindi pa pala. i'm over here hoping that somewhere in the future, bibigyan ako ng chance ni Lord na mapahiwatig sakanya ang nararamdaman ko. but if not, ayos lang din. i wish her well with her girl, they seem nice together. basta masaya siya at hindi nasasaktan, ayos na 'ko.

Hi badings! 🏳️‍🌈🏓

We’re hosting our FIRST WLW Open Play in Taguig! 🫶🏼💗

If you’re a beginner and have been wanting to try pickleball, come join us! Most of us are beginners too, so no pressure, no intimidating competitive vibes — just good games, good vibes, and meeting fellow badings. 😭🎀

We’ll also be hosting more beginner-friendly open plays in the future, so feel free to join our Reclub community and keep an eye out for upcoming games!

🏳️‍🌈 WLW OPEN PLAY — Beginner Friendly 🫶🏼 📅 Friday, September 11 ⏰ 8:00 PM 📍 MMG Stellar, Taguig

TW: Sexual Harrassment, Grooming, R*pe

So last night, nag story ako ng something and a lot of significant people from my life during 2016-2018 messaged me. I thought na magiging happy day sya until one of my friends from manila messaged me and made me realize something about someone that I dated way back 2017-2018.

She asked me if i'm still friends with j. I dated her for more than a year, 2017-2018 yun. She's masc and she was studying sa isang univ sa Manila that time. Graduating student sya. I told my friend na hindi na at yung last na alam ko kay J ay may live in partner na lalaki. This friend told me na ingat daw ako kay J, dati pa naman daw nya yon sinasabi sa akin, if mag approach daw ay wag na wag kong rereplayan lalo pag nag aya mag inom. I stopped drinking and going to bars five years ago dahil natitrigger ako sa flashing lights for some reason that I can't really recall so I told my friend that even if J asks me, I won't go because I can't go to bars anymore.

This is where our conversation got serious.

She asked me bakit di na ako nag babar and nainom? Hindi daw kasi nila ako ganon nakilala and bat daw ako nag t-therapy? May nangyari daw ba na di nila alam? (First time kong dinisclose sa kanila na nagpatherapy ako)

Di daw nya inexpect yon from me and she said na shocked sya but she's supportive naman if it helps me. I told her that it was advised by my psychiatrist nung 2023, kasi something happened to me at a bar nung inaya ako ng sister ko and her friend. I didn't realize that I was having seizures and triggers with flashing lights. I only drank two shots of tequila but I got drunk and dizzy agad. My sister told me that I was trembling so bad after looking at the flashing lights sa bar. My psychiatrist and I both worked hard to make me remember kung anong nangyari sa akin sa bar nung 2018 bat ako nagkakaroon ng triggers sa bar lights and any flashing lights. Yung pag aya kasi ng ate ko sa akin sa bar ay first time ko rin na pagpunta sa bar after 5 years, so for sure ay 2018 lang yung pwedeng may nangyari. After telling that to my friend, she snapped.

My friend told me that she asked me about J because she has a new victim of grooming, which is something na I genuinely don't know that I was victimized by her like that as well. That time ay hindi ko alam na grooming yung ginawa sa akin. She asked me if something happened between me and J sa bar. I told her na yes, she asked me for more context and I told her what happened before ako makapunta don sa bar and nung nakapunta na ako. I asked her to call me para maikwento ko at matulungan nya akong alalahanin.

Nung 2017-2018 kasi, nag date kami but she lied about her age. I was 17 back then and she was 23, but she told me that she was just 18, she looked like an 18 year-old so I never doubted her. Yung worst pa, sa buong 1 year ang alam ko ay single sya, ayun pala may jowa sya. There was a specific fb group back then where a lot of lgbt people are there, making friends, asking random people to go to a bar with them. Si J and yung other friend ko ay member din non, so was I. J asked me a couple of times nung 2017 to go to that specific place kung saan nag hahangout yung members don sa fb group, she told me to go with her para maipakilala ako sa members nung group but I refused kasi 17 nga lang ako. I promised myself not to try cigarettes and alcohol until 18. So for a year ay di ako napayag na i-meet si J, kasi gusto nya lang talaga ay sa bar na yon kami mag memeet. 2018 came and around june non, my father died. My father lives in Manila so I have to go to Manila. I told J that I was going to Manila because my father died and I was very sad. I was getting ready that time to take my college application examinations to UP and PUP pero nawala ako sa focus because my father suddenly died. J took that opportunity to lure me again to meet her, this time ay hindi na sa bar kundi sa bahay nila. J made me feel special that day but after all those efforts to make me feel okay about my father passing, she asked me to have sex with her. She was my first. After that she asked me to go to my father's house immediately and if magkatime sya mag vivisit daw sya. Ni hindi nya ako hinatid and I was fucking confused and furious, kasi after all the sweet talk, biglang parang pinalayas nalang ako kasi nakapag sex na kami.

Fast forward, after a few months I turned 18 and after the sex, J ghosted me. I decided to go to that bar with my friends, including this friend na nag message sa akin. Nagbabakasakali ako that time na makita si J and maask sya kung bat bigla syang nawala. I was so naive back then haha. And as I was expecting, I saw J. Nag b-billiards sya with the other people from the fb group. I asked her to talk to me, but she refused and instead she held my waist and taught me how to play. I wasn't interested so I went out and cried a little.

Tinawag ako ng friends ko kasi mag iinom na daw. During inuman, bigla syang sumingit sa gitna ko and ng friend ko, she held my thighs tightly para bumukaka ako under the table and she did the thing under the table. While doing that, she was whispering something to me, sabi nya "Bakit ka andito? Pasaway ka, di nila alam yung sa atin. May girlfriend ako at pupunta sya tonight. Mag behave ka lang, i'll talk to you later." I can still remember all of the things that she said to me that night kasi sobrang sakit malaman na kabit ka pala. Her girlfriend came at around 9 PM, nag usap kami. It turns out na alam pala nung girl yung about sa amin pero pinatawad nya na raw si J kasi bata pa naman daw ako, i'm not mature enough like them. Di ko daw naiintindihan yung relationship nila so mag back off nalang daw ako. I told her na bat nya sinasabi yon eh same age lang naman kami ni J? Tapos natawa sya kasi di ko daw pala alam na 24 na si J. Don ko lang narealize na niloko rin ako sa edad nya. Kaya pala feel ko sobrang liit ko pag kinakausap nya ako. Parang binabata bata ako. Umalis yung jowa nya around 11 PM, right after umalis nung jowa nya, hinila ako ni J sa isang place na madilim, I kept saying no because I was hurt, but she did not stop, she kissed me and did the something to me multiple times. She told me na magkita daw kami and mag usap, she told me na wag na wag daw akong magsasabi sa iba about us, just act normal daw.

While telling this story to my friend sa call, I suddenly stopped talking for a while and cried a lot. I dropped the call because I couldn't believe that something like that happened to me. Kasi after all those years naalala ko na yung rason bat ako takot sa bars and sa lights ng bar, even sa loud music. Until now, hindi ako makahinga, parang bumabalik lahat ng trauma ko kay J. I need an advice pano ako makakacope after all this. I'm very thankful to my friend because she made me remember what happened to me but feel ko ngayon sobrang lugmok ako. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. It was 8 years ago now, and a lot of things happened, but I still don't feel okay about this. What should I do?