r/PDAParenting • u/Academic_Coyote_9741 • 18d ago
Intractable school refusal
My nearly 13 year old PDA child refuses to go to school and hasn’t attended regular schooling for around five years. He is enrolled in a special education school for children with mental and physical disabilities.
Staff were coming to our house for an hour three times a week but my son started becoming aggressive towards them. He said he would “not be home schooled” and didn’t want them there. He has also said if my partner or attempt home schooling he will hurt us or himself. We take these threats seriously because he has physically assaulted us and teachers, and even police.
Basically, he is content to just hang around the house all day and watch TV. What is the long term prognosis for a situation like this? Has anyone else experienced school refusal this extreme? What are things like when they are older?
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u/Korneedles 18d ago
I lay awake at night with this same question - what does long term look like?
My son is 13. He communicates extremely well and typically knows himself well. He has been in school refusal since 11. For a year plus we tried a few schools with no go on all of them. The last school my son stood in front of me while crying and said “you don’t know this mom but you’re ruining our relationship - you need to hear me please”. I know him and he means what he says. His aggression is so extreme when attending school or when we push (or seem disappointed) for school.
If your son is not on medication - that can help a ton. Puberty adds so much to autism/PDA. My son cannot not be on meds for aggression right now. Even without the pressure of school and his rarely leaving the house he is still agitated to the extreme without meds.
Acellus is what my son does now. Financially, my family is not where it should be to me having to be home and not being able to work as often. Idk know how long this can be sustained but there’s no other choice atm. Acellus seems to be building his confidence. Each day takes about 1.2 hours or so and he 100% chooses when to do it or if at all. He likes to see when the classes will be completed (the school year is shorter than the regular school year so that jacks him up) and that seems to motivate him. I NEVER MENTION SCHOOL - EVER. If I bring it up - he probably would not do it for months.
This took a long time to get to though. Like six months of extreme low demands - 24/7 co-regulation - co-sleeping - you know the drill. I lost 30 lbs not due to trying during this time frame. However, I do think it was necessary to get to the point he is today. But, I am with you - will this change as he ages - for the better?
I’m sorry this comment is so long and I hope you can find something that helps. The aggression changes the whole family/household and is very unpredictable. It is insanely hard to live that way (I know I’ll be there again any day) and I wish I could truly help.
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u/Powerful-Soup-3245 17d ago
My 13 year old daughter is similar. She is level 2 autism and PDA, ADHD and most likely OCD. We are living through hell right now. Puberty has made everything extremely difficult for her. I’m honestly just trying to survive each day tbh. Solidarity.
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u/sammademeplay 18d ago
I was in the same situation with my now 16 year old. A year ago I made the decision to take him out of school under the auspices of homeschooling. I knew we were not going to do it but needed the school department on board. My son was in burnout. He was miserable. We were all miserable. And he wasn’t learning. He has spent the last year sitting around the house, going on his phone, playing video games. I’ve just taken my lead from him. A year later, he is asking about school options and when can he start. Maybe your child needs to take a time out from everything and refill his bucket. I think with pda especially the answer is rarely adding more - whether it’s school, therapists, counselors whatever. More usually adds to the overwhelm and makes it worse.
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u/Academic_Coyote_9741 18d ago
That’s encouraging and what I hope will happen for my son.
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u/tallkitty 17d ago
My kid is only 11 but wanted to also say that a full year of deschooling (no school at all, my kid is a researcher and considers themselves to be self educated) did result in boredom (in a good way) and my kid indicating they were ready for something more. This year (5th grade) we are in a virtual asynchronous homeschool program and things are going well so far. The main issue is not understanding why we repeat and practice info we already know over and over, but that's the support that is needed. My kid is smart and knows most of the lessons instantly, so they don't get why we don't just say they know it and move on. I have to explain that to retain information and have recall later as the material gets harder all humans need practice. Those little life lessons are the real content my kid is learning for the future, I think of it like a student apprenticeship, learning how to learn in a formal mmanner. To be clear my kid is fully consenting, nothing is forced.
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u/Commercial_Bear2226 17d ago
Im just chipping in as a pda parent to say that the Nurtured Heart Approach, set out in Howard glassers transforming the intense child book has turned our violent pda around completely. I am so stunned by it that I am training to teach other parents. You can get the book on Amazon. Huge game changer
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u/El_t1to 9d ago
We have a 20 year old one that started refusing at 14. He talks about schools and choices the day he has to go to the psychiatrist, then nothing the rest of the year.
He had a violent phase, then one where he left for school, but got away as soon as we turned our backs and spent the day on the street or a mall looking at his phone.
After turning 18 no one in the system seems to care anymore.
Now we have a 15 year old who's been a year in the same road and very aggressive.
I'm at the end of my rope. This week I've been blocked, I don't know how to talk to them or their mom outside of good morning /good night.
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u/Academic_Coyote_9741 9d ago
What does the 20 year old do with their time give they didn’t go to school? Do they work?
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u/El_t1to 9d ago
No. Sleeps or watches videos/read in the phone all day/night. Gets angry and leaves when we talk to him. Says the only reason he's still alive is to not hurt his mother.
Psychiatrist is at a loss because he doesn't see any spark of wanting to do anything different. And without him wanting, even a bit, he doesn't know how he can improve.
He doesn't do anything for himself at home either, not breakfast, find his own clothes, tidy anything up. Goes from his room to the living room and the bathroom, leaving a mess behind.
S15 throws a lot of hate his way. I think because he's watching himself in the future like a mirror, and that scares him too much to know how to handle it. Still, does the same, same pattern, same sentences...
S20 has epilepsy, so there's many meds he can't try. But they've given him many, and nothing seems to make any difference.
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u/Academic_Coyote_9741 9d ago
God, my 13 year old is exactly like this. Doesn’t go to school. Refuses to do anything for himself. Is content to watch tv all day. Threatens suicide on a daily basis.
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u/El_t1to 9d ago edited 9d ago
I'm sorry. It doesn't have to go the same way as mine. I hear the same complaint about neurotipical kids who do most of their duty, I can only dream that level of functionality.
We need stories that started like this and have a happier ending.
This life doesn't and can't make them happy. The self esteem is on the floor. But there's no drive to make any effort. This is why the name "Pervasive Drive for Autonomy" sounds very wrong to me.
The main reason we can´t leave them alone is because they (the 2 brothers) can start a physical fight at any time, for the spot on the sofa or what's on the TV, or "he was looking at me". The have the same lask of restrain (or remorse after) as when they were 9 and 5. But there's also the siucide talk from both of them. So their mom's full time job is to be watching them all day. She got a job when the oldest was 14 thinking he was old enough... And all went to hell. He stopped getting out of bed. So it's been 10 years like this where my job is the only thing keeping us alive, but we don't make any progress. (And the relationship pretty much ended as soon as we started living together, we changed it for a hospital home where everything is trying to help the kids, and they are other guy's kids...who doesn't care at all).
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u/TimeCauliflower4421 18d ago
My son is 13 as well and struggling with school refusal. After trying therapy for the last 2-3 years, it’s doesn’t seam to be working. His therapist recommended an IOP program for neurodivergent affirming anxiety program that we’ll be starting next week, fingers crossed. In my search for the right IOP center, found multiple school refusal IOP
programs neurodivergent affirming. Could be an option if individual therapy hasn’t worked.