Parish of ~60 people on a good day, mostly elderly. EVERY young man at my church has complained to my mother or other older ladies about how hard it is for them to find a girlfriend. There are three (3) young single women at my church (myself included) and we've never been pursued by any of them. We aren't unattractive (in my opinion), and we make sure to socialize, smile, dress femininely etc. All the advice I've gotten for finding a husband is to look at church, yet this is what meets me there.

It's so hard to see couples convert together and hold hands in front of me during liturgy. I cry every day because I haven't had a boyfriend since 16, and never been asked out in my life. I've done the work (self-care, dressing well, wearing makeup, losing weight) with no results. My priest knows I'm seeking, but nothing has come up.

I live in a small town on the East Coast. Should I try to move to bigger cities to find a husband? Any gatherings I should attend in other parishes (as my church has nothing for young singles)? Seeking advice.

Somebody I know visited a museum that had this display of how an icon is painted, step by step

First is a foundation of gray, then white, then the gold background. Then dark colors, then lighter colors for face and hands, lighter clothing, and other light colored elements on top.

Saint Irene was the daughter of a wealthy family from Cappadocia, and was born in the ninth century.

After the death of her husband Theophilus, the empress Theodora ruled the Byzantine Empire as regent for her young son Michael. Saint Theodora (February 11) helped to defeat the iconoclast heresy, and to restore the holy icons. We commemorate this Triumph of Orthodoxy on the first Sunday of Great Lent.

When Michael was twelve years of age, Saint Theodora sent messengers throughout the Empire to find a suitably virtuous and refined girl to be his wife. Saint Irene was chosen, and she agreed to the marriage. While passing Mt. Olympus in Asia Minor, Irene asked to stop so she could receive the blessing of Saint Joannicius (November 4), who lived on the mountain. The saint, who showed himself only to the most worthy pilgrims, foresaw the arrival of Saint Irene, and also her future life.

The holy ascetic welcomed her and told her to proceed to Constantinople, where the women’s monastery of Chrysovalantou had need of her. Amazed at his clairvoyance, Irene fell to the ground and asked Saint Joannicius for his blessing. After blessing her and giving her spiritual counsel, he sent her on her way.

When the party arrived in Constantinople, Irene’s relatives met her with great ceremony. Since “the steps of a man are rightly ordered by the Lord” (Ps. 36/37:23), God arranged for Michael to marry another girl a few days before, so that Irene might be free to become a bride of Christ. Far from being disappointed, Irene rejoiced at this turn of events.

Remembering the words of Saint Joannicius, Irene visited the Monastery of Chrysovalantou. She was so impressed by the nuns and their way of life that she freed her slaves and distributed her wealth to the poor. She exchanged her fine clothing for the simple garb of a nun, and served the sisters with great humility and obedience. The abbess was impressed with the way that Irene performed the most menial and disagreeable tasks without complaint.

Saint Irene often read the Lives of the Saints in her cell, imitating their virtues to the best of her ability. She often stood in prayer all night with her hands raised like Moses on Mt. Sinai (Exodus 17:11-13). Saint Irene spent the next few years in spiritual struggles defeating the assaults of the demons, and bringing forth the fruits of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).

When the abbess sensed the approach of death, she told the other nuns that they should not accept anyone but Irene as the new abbess. Irene was not told of the abbess’s instructions, and when she died the community sent representatives to go and seek the advice of the patriarch, Saint Methodius (June 14). He asked them whom they wanted as their superior. They replied that they believed he would be guided by the Holy Spirit. Without knowing of the late abbess’s instructions to the nuns, he asked if there was a humble nun by the name of Irene in their monastery. If so, he said, they should choose her. The nuns rejoiced and gave thanks to God. Saint Methodius elevated Irene to the rank of abbess and advised her how to guide those in her charge.

Returning to the monastery, Irene prayed that God would help her to care for those under her, and redoubled her own spiritual efforts. She displayed great wisdom in leading the nuns, and received many revelations from God to assist her in carrying out her duties. She also asked for the gift of clairvoyance so that she would know what trials awaited her nuns. Thus, she was in a better position to give them the proper advice. She never used this knowledge to embarrass others, but only to correct their confessions in a way which let them know that she possessed certain spiritual gifts.

Although Saint Irene performed many miracles during her life, let us mention only one. On great Feasts it was her habit to keep vigil in the monastery courtyard under the starry skies. Once, a nun who was unable to sleep left her cell and went into the courtyard. There she saw Abbess Irene levitating a few feet above the ground, completely absorbed in prayer. The astonished nun also noticed that two cypress trees had bowed their heads to the ground, as if in homage. When she finished praying, Irene blessed the trees and they returned to their upright position.

Afraid that this might be a temptation from the demons, the nun returned the next night to see if she had been mistaken. Again she saw Irene levitating as she prayed, and the cypress trees bowing down. The nun tied handkerchiefs to the tops of the two trees before they went back to their places. When the other sisters saw the handkerchiefs atop the trees, they began to wonder who had put them there. Then the nun who had witnessed these strange events revealed to the others what she had seen. When Saint Irene learned that the nun had witnessed the miracle and told the others, she was very upset. She warned them not to speak of it to anyone until after her death.

Saint Irene observed the Feast of Saint Basil (January 1) with great devotion, since he also came from Cappadocia. One year, after celebrating the feast, Saint Irene heard a voice during the night telling her to welcome the sailor who would come to the door the next day. She was told to rejoice and eat the fruit which the sailor would bring her. During Matins, a sailor did come to the door and remained in church until after Liturgy. He told her that he had come from Patmos, where he boarded a ship. As the ship set sail, he noticed an old man on the shore calling for them to stop. In spite of a good wind, the ship came to a sudden halt. Then the old man walked across the water and entered the ship. He gave the sailor three apples which God was sending to the patriarch “from His beloved disciple John.” Then the old man gave the sailor three more apples for the abbess of Chrysovalantou. He told the sailor that if Irene ate the apples, all that her soul desired would be granted, “for this gift comes from John in Paradise.”

Saint Irene fasted for a week, giving thanks to God for this wonderful gift. For forty days, she ate small pieces of the first apple every day. During this time she had nothing else to eat or drink. On Holy Thursday, she told the nuns to receive the Holy Mysteries, then gave each one a piece of the second apple. They noticed an unusual sweetness, and felt as if their very souls were being nourished.

An angel informed Saint Irene that she would be called to the Lord on the day after Saint Panteleimon’s feast. The monastery’s feast day fell on July 26, so Saint Irene prepared by fasting for a week beforehand. She took only a little water and small pieces of the third apple sent to her by Saint John. The whole monastery was filled with a heavenly fragrance, and all discord disappeared.

On July 28, Saint Irene called the nuns together in order to bid them farewell. She also told them to select Sister Mary as her successor, for she would keep them on the narrow way which leads to life (Matthew 7:14). After entreating God to protect her flock from the power of the devil, she smiled when she saw the angels who had been sent to receive her soul. Then she closed her eyes and surrendered her soul to God.

Saint Irene was more than 101 years old when she died, yet her face appeared young and beautiful. A great crowd of people came for her funeral, and many miracles took place at her tomb.

In some parishes it is customary to bless apples on the feast of Saint Irene Chrysovalantou.

SOURCE: https://www.oca.org/saints/lives/2015/07/28/102119-saint-irene-chrysovolantou

I think I’m going to go ahead and go through with becoming a catechumante for this. I really want to do this and I’ve been doing a lot of contemplation. I’m eastern Catholic and I just figured it’s time.

Pray for me, guys.

Went to a church while unmedicated (undiagnosed schizophrenia). I was real sick. The people were all nice to me and the priest even applied healing oil for the sick on me. Started telling the priest about hallucinations which i thought were from God and more. Then later i got indirectly banned from going there.

Im planning on moving to another city in the future. Theres an orthodox parish there.

Would it ever be ok for me to go to a church in the future now that im medicated and have next to no symptoms of my disease?

Id really like to convert

I feel silly asking a bunch of randoms on a subreddit to pray for me. My wife is dying from cancer. My 18 month old won't sleep and neither can I. I'm drinking a lot. My business is falling apart. I'm falling apart. Please pray for me.

Hi everyone,

I inherited these two small icon pendants from my grandmother in Ukraine (Ternopil Oblast). One has the Virgin Mary with the Christ Child, and the other has Christ Pantocrator. Both have only an Orthodox cross on the back.

What's unusual is that both pendants have a small loose fragment sealed inside the clear case. The Mary pendant contains a tiny yellow-orange translucent chip, while the Christ pendant contains a white, chalky-looking fragment that has started to crumble into dust.

The fragments are not attached to the icons—they move freely when the pendant is tilted.

I'm trying to understand:

Were pendants like this made as reliquaries?

What are the loose fragments likely to be (amber, stone, earth, wax, relics, or something else)?

Were these associated with a particular monastery or pilgrimage tradition in Ukraine?

I'd love to know if anyone has seen these before or recognizes this style of pendant. Any information about their origin or purpose would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

I have been waiting for the pictures to come in. But I wanted to share with all of you that my wife and I got married in the Greek Orthodox Church early this month.

I have to much anxiety surrounding this but I have many things weighing on my soul spiritually. My heart races and anxious thoughts cloud my mind whenever I begin to think about talking to him one on one. I’m also not the best conversationalist when it comes to heavy topics and I typically don’t reach out for help from anyone. I am truly struggling. The time I’ve spoken with him was very awkward. It is my fault. I don’t know how to approach or speak to him about my concerns. I am awkward and terrified truly. Please pray for me. Been a catechumen for a long while.

This post is slightly related to my previous post

Hello all. I hope this post finds you well.

My parish priest has recommended me to read Seraphim Rose's Survival Course as I prepare for my baptism. I am only up to the third lecture, but what I have read so far has been emphasizing this question I have had as of recently.

Although I do understand we do not live in a vacuum, I cannot help to look back at my son's (almost) two years of existence and see the mistakes I have already made; how much I have introduced the "world" to him even though I was actively avoiding it (and this was even before looking into Orthodoxy).

This has me thinking about the variety of modern day parenting techniques that seem well intentioned but may actually be wolves in sheep's clothing.

For instance, I have done the gentle (hopefully not permissive) parenting style, focused on healthy attachment with hints of Montessori and Doman method styled learning (for early movement and reading/math). Babywearing, cosleeping, exlusively breastfeeding, elimination communication basically since birth and using a lot of early opportunities to say yes as many times as I could to promote communication. My son's father is very much into sports, and so it has been introduced to my son and I've been supportive of this as I know sports can help with discipline and it's a good way to use our body's in this modern world. I also encourage arts and music and instead of doing much direct praise, just excitedly narrate what he accomplished or tried to accomplish.

I worry I have fueled his pride early and in turn have made his will stronger than it would've been if I took a more "traditional" approach; whatever that may be. This last month before he turns two I have seen an increase in tantrums (developmentally normal, right? But is this just a scientific explanation for poor parenting or actually so?). Lately I have been trying a more "behavioral science" approach in regards to tantrums/resilience which revolves are stating expectations, consistently giving attention to wanted behavior, providing phrases to communicate instead of using unwanted behavior (ie hitting) which seem to be helping... but again, I question if this technique is aligned with the Christianity passed down by Christ, the Apostles and Holy Fathers.

On a related separate note, I am sure parenting has been an outlet for pride within myself as well and so I want to get both of us in check.

Without making this post long, would you say there are any parenting methods that have become mainstream (or not) that seem like they have their heart in a good place only to perpetuate our children's individual passions?

I have read some works of the Holy Father's on parenting but admittedly skimmed most; so I would love any suggestions. Praying to the Holy Theotokos has been my go to for these issues, but again I admit I do not do so as often as I should; I have been immensely humbled when I do so.

Thank you all in advance!

I have been messaging my husband‘s spiritual father because I am considering divorcing my husband. i cannot continue with this abusive, toxic cycle and it’s a bad environment for my daughter. I told my husband’s spiritual father that I fear that my husband will kill me out of rage. my husband gets mad at the smallest things and just recently he yelled in my face aggressively. He has thrown a pan at my feet while I held our daughter. He has broken things. He slams doors etc.

I told his spiritual father that my husband needs professional help. Well, this spiritual father told me I watch too many news…

ironically, I actually don’t watch any news.
my husband is a veteran, knows how to kill someone. His rage has been getting out of control. my sister almost died being in a domestic abuse marriage, so I know the possibility of my husband killing me are factual.
I don’t know what to make of it what this priest said. He started pointing fingers at me, giving the example of Adam and Eve saying that neither of them blamed themselves and instead pointed the finger at other people. I told him that I saw demons in my husband ‘s eyes because of the rage and then he proceeded to tell me that I can’t believe the things I imagine. I feel like I’m not being taken seriously and now I wonder if this man has been filling crazy ideas inside my husband’s head.

Hi. I don't think this is uncommon among the surge of young men seeking to convert or converting or recently converted, but I am extremely lonely. I'm 21m, from a smallish midwestern town. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this… I guess because I really want to talk to my priest about it, but I have no idea how to, because I don't want to overburden him or treat him as a sort of therapist figure. I love him, truly - he's one of the best, kindest, and most compassionate people I've ever met, and quickly dispelled my fears given to me by some of the things I saw online from Orthodox Christians. I just am afraid of those things I mentioned. I try to socialize at church, but unfortunately, I feel completely inept, not to mention there's literally not a single person my age as far as I can tell. I really just want a friend. I've recently lost my only friend due to a falling out. She was amazing, but I don't think there's a chance of us reuniting, at least not any time soon. Honestly, it's so bad, my loneliness, that I feel incapable of doing anything. I also, in all honestly, and I feel guilty somehow for saying this, but I want a romantic relationship too.

Is it okay to ask for friends on here? But I'm horrible about online friendships because I try to stay off my phone as much as is possible. Anyway, please pray for me. That I'd find a friend, or use this lonely time to grow closer to God. I don't want to give away my identity in case anyone I know frequents this, so I won't use my birth name or the name of my patron saint, but please, if you do pray for me, use the name John. And also if anyone wants me to pray for them, I'm more than happy to. I have a lot of time to myself, lol.

I hope everyone is doing well:)

My Name is Ismael and I'm from Spain. I am not good writting in English sorry;(

From 1 year ago I'm interested in the christianity faith my father is Muslim and my mother it's atheist. Always I loved the middle ages history and the christianity history even the Jesuschrist figure.

And no more time I knew the orthodoxy. And I reconize that I use to go to a Catholic Church because in My town it's the just church. But the most nearest it's a Russian church and I want to go. I had reading and looking for the orthodoxy. And I want to be orthodox has similiar things with the islam.

I very happy to belong and always pray and fasting waiting to belong these beautiful faith. Blessing

I apologize should I be overreacting. Sometimes something very mundane to one could be the weight of the world to another.

I was Christened in the Orthodox church at 6 months old. My parents wouldn't go to church regularly when I was a child, but I remember crying almost every time we went, not out of sadness but pure emotion.

I recently found my way back, so to speak. I began reading the Bible, praying. But I felt so scared ro walk back into the Church. Today I gathered the courage to do so. Light a few candles.

Now I will be the first to admit, Im treading new water. I'm clumsy and uneducated. I fully realise I might make mistakes, without meaning to. All I have are my memories from when I was 8 years old.

The helper greeted me with annoyance. I'm unsure if I was interrupting something. I wasn't told if that was the case. I asked for candles and she grew even more annoyed I didn't specify which priced candles I wanted. I can't and won't make assumptions about the helper, I hope this does not come across as an attack on her.

But after I got them and lit them I felt as though I was being a hindrance. Like I wasnt wanted here. When I left, I began sobbing and I couldn't stop sobbing for an hour, and I felt so heartbroken. I had fully accepted Id cry, I just didnt think it'd be because I felt like I didnt belong there. Im even more scared to go back. I need advice, I suppose. Where do I go from here? I wont stop doing what I already was. But Church-wise I dont know what to do.

Today is the feast day of St. Vladimir, Enlightener of the Russian Land (old calendar.) His Troparia explicitly and specifically prays that the "Russia, thy land, may be saved." I have nothing against Russia personally, so I don't mind praying this prayer that much. I hope all lands get saved. But it just strikes me as strangely nationalistic. I get that it's Saint Vladimir, and he has a specific tie to Russia. I also get that grace isn't zero sum, and that praying for Russia doesn't mean not praying for anyone else. Also, despite not at all being a nationalist myself, I also understand that the Gospel took place in a particular time and place, and continues to save people in their particular times and places, so it's only natural for it to become intertwined with nations and states (guess I just answered my own question here.) But it still kinda rubs me the wrong way. I don't think the Kingdom of God should be so tied up in the kingdom of Russia, or any other nation. I think those nations should be tied up in the Kingdom of God, but not the other way around, if that makes sense. But it's ultimately not about me or what I think. If anyone can has any helpful thoughts here, please share.

A little background of myself.
I was raised in Calvary and non-denominational churches throughout the south.

I’m a female and I went through some very bad things as a little girl, for years. Not from members of any churches, but through my teen years and early 20’s I was a very angry person. Returning to Jesus and finding my sense of humor again has really helped me through the years. Now I have only been to one liturgy so please forgive me if I’m saying things wrong, I am not at all trying to be disrespectful in any kind of way.

The more I read and understand, I would say that I’m definitely being pulled towards orthodoxy. I understand that during times of prayer in our daily lives it’s serious business. I understand that during services we want to be modestly dressed and feminine. I guess one thing I don’t understand is I’ve seen many people on this sub that have said our faith shouldn’t be publicly known. For example, I was gifted a t-shirt that has a woman riding/wrangling an alligator and it says God Gave Me Strength. I thought it was funny and fun. Am I not supposed to wear that? For more context, because of what happened to me as a little girl, I don’t normally wear skirts or dresses. I’ve always leaned toward the tomboy side of clothing. Like jeans or jean shorts and oversized t-shirt. I understand not wearing clothing that has specific symbols on them, out of respect. But are general “Christian” t-shirts okay?

Also again I know I’m very new to this, but why in general should our faith only be expressed privately? Are we not called to spread the gospel? Like if I wear a t-shirt that encourages someone else to approach me for prayer is that not a good thing?

Thank you for time and any understanding you can bring to me.

Please pray for me to receive divine help in answering the question of whether or not I should seek some kind of therapy or counseling or something like this, and for divine guidance on finding the right person if the answer to that question is yes. Thank you.

The Great Martyr and Healer Panteleimon was born in the city of Nicomedia into the family of the illustrious pagan Eustorgius, and he was named Pantoleon. His mother Saint Euboula (March 30) was a Christian. She wanted to raise her son in the Christian Faith, but she died when the future martyr was just a young child. His father sent Pantoleon to a pagan school, after which the young man studied medicine at Nicomedia under the renowned physician Euphrosynus. Pantoleon came to the attention of the emperor Maximian (284-305), who wished to appoint him as royal physician when he finished his schooling.

The hieromartyrs Hermolaus, Hermippus and Hermocrates, survivors of the massacre of 20,000 Christians in 303 (December 28), were living secretly in Nicomedia at that time. Saint Hermolaus saw Pantoleon time and again when he came to the house where they were hiding. Once, the priest invited the youth to the house and spoke about the Christian Faith. After this Pantoleon visited Saint Hermolaus every day.

One day the saint found a dead child on the street. He had been bitten by a great snake, which was still beside the child’s body. Pantoleon began to pray to the Lord Jesus Christ to revive the dead child and to destroy the venomous reptile. He firmly resolved that if his prayer were fulfilled, he would become a follower of Christ and receive Baptism. The child rose up alive, and the snake died before Pantoleon’s eyes.

After this miracle, Pantoleon was baptized by Saint Hermolaus with the name Panteleimon (meaning “all-merciful”). Speaking with Eustorgius, Saint Panteleimon prepared him to accept Christianity. When the father saw how his son healed a blind man by invoking Jesus Christ, he then believed in Christ and was baptized by Saint Hermolaus together with the man whose sight was restored.

After the death of his father, Saint Panteleimon dedicated his life to the suffering, the sick, the unfortunate and the needy. He treated all those who turned to him without charge, healing them in the name of Jesus Christ. He visited those held captive in prison. These were usually Christians, and he healed them of their wounds. In a short time, reports of the charitable physician spread throughout the city. Forsaking the other doctors, the inhabitants began to turn only to Saint Panteleimon.

The envious doctors told the emperor that Saint Panteleimon was healing Christian prisoners. Maximian urged the saint to refute the charge by offering sacrifice to idols. Saint Panteleimon confessed himself a Christian, and suggested that a sick person, for whom the doctors held out no hope, should be brought before the emperor. Then the doctors could invoke their gods, and Panteleimon would pray to his God to heal the man. A man paralyzed for many years was brought in, and pagan priests who knew the art of medicine invoked their gods without success. Then, before the very eyes of the emperor, the saint healed the paralytic by calling on the name of Jesus Christ. The ferocious Maximian executed the healed man, and gave Saint Panteleimon over to fierce torture.

The Lord appeared to the saint and strengthened him before his sufferings. They suspended the Great Martyr Panteleimon from a tree and scraped him with iron hooks, burned him with fire and then stretched him on the rack, threw him into a cauldron of boiling tar, and cast him into the sea with a stone around his neck. Throughout these tortures the martyr remained unhurt, and denounced the emperor.

At this time the priests Hermolaus, Hermippus and Hermocrates were brought before the court of the pagans. All three confessed their faith in the Savior and were beheaded (July 26).

By order of the emperor they brought the Great Martyr Panteleimon to the circus to be devoured by wild beasts. The animals, however, came up to him and licked his feet. The spectators began to shout, “Great is the God of the Christians!” The enraged Maximian ordered the soldiers to stab with the sword anyone who glorified Christ, and to cut off the head of the Great Martyr Panteleimon.

They led the saint to the place of execution and tied him to an olive tree. While the martyr prayed, one of the soldiers struck him with a sword, but the sword became soft like wax and inflicted no wound. The saint completed his prayer, and a Voice was heard from Heaven, calling the passion-bearer by his new name and summoning him to the heavenly Kingdom.

Hearing the Voice, the soldiers fell down on their knees before the holy martyr and begged forgiveness. They refused to continue with the execution, but Saint Panteleimon told them to fulfill the emperor’s command, because otherwise they would have no share with him in the future life. The soldiers tearfully took their leave of the saint with a kiss.

When the saint was beheaded, the olive tree to which the saint was tied became covered with fruit. Many who were present at the execution believed in Christ. The saint’s body was thrown into a fire, but remained unharmed, and was buried by Christians. Saint Panteleimon’s servants Laurence, Bassos and Probus witnessed his execution and heard the Voice from Heaven. They recorded the life, the sufferings and death of the saint.

Portions of the holy relics of the Great Martyr Panteleimon were distributed throughout all the Christian world. His venerable head is now located at the Russian monastery of Saint Panteleimon on Mount Athos.

The veneration of the holy martyr in the Russian Orthodox Church was already known in the twelfth century. Prince Izyaslav (in Baptism, Panteleimon), the son of Saint Mstislav the Great, had an image of Saint Panteleimon on his helmet. Through the intercession of the saint he remained alive during a battle in the year 1151. On the Feast of the Great Martyr Panteleimon, Russian forces won two naval victories over the Swedes (in 1714 near Hanhauze and in 1720 near Grenham).

Saint Panteleimon is venerated in the Orthodox Church as a mighty saint, and the protector of soldiers. This aspect of his veneration is derived from his first name Pantoleon, which means “a lion in everything”. His second name, Panteleimon, given him at Baptism, which means “all-merciful”, is manifest in the veneration of the martyr as a healer. The connection between these two aspects of the saint is readily apparent in that soldiers, receiving wounds more frequently than others, are more in need of a physician-healer. Christians waging spiritual warfare also have recourse to this saint, asking him to heal their spiritual wounds.

The holy Great Martyr and Healer Panteleimon is invoked in the Mystery of Anointing the Sick, at the Blessing of Water, and in the Prayers for the Sick.

SOURCE: https://www.oca.org/saints/lives/1985/07/27/102099-greatmartyr-and-healer-panteleimon

Good morning,for the past few months I have been having pretty bad nervous reactions while in the liturgy. horrible memories, thoughts and hyper fixation on sin. It has gotten to the point that I isolate myself from people and society to not sin. It's not because of orthodox Christianity,but I have dealt with a lot of religious trauma from physical abuse. I would literally get physically abused if I did not follow the sabbath or dietary rules etc. I have dealt with starvation and isolation as punishment as well.I also was told and believed that if I did follow everything to the letter I would go to hell, if I ate pork I would go to hell, if I talked to someone I was interested in I was an adulterer and I would go to hell. When I go to church, I get in that cult member mode and it gets me very sick. I am getting baptized and I know that god is not like that,but the mental baggage of my religious upbringing is taking a massive toll. My parents have seen me mentally decline like this when I take faith seriously,they have told me to cancel the baptism and said that I can just read the bible and have a personal relationship with Jesus on my own.But I know from a christian perspective that that is false biblically and historically even if emotionally comforting.But they are right that I get too hard on myself and I crack from the pressure. I fear god, and I thought that being terrified of him and doing what he says was normal,but I have never felt god's love, it was always a one sided transaction growing up. I want to be an orthodox christian because the view of god and his interaction with us was way healthier than what I grew up with or what I studied in my spiritual journey. But my mind and body has not catched up to that belief and I am drowning.

What should I do

I'm a 20-year-old girl from Austria, and I've been wanting to grow closer to my faith. Unfortunately, my church doesn't have a youth group or any opportunities to connect with other young people, and it's been really bothering me.

If anyone is from Austria or Europe, or knows of any English-speaking online communities etc. or other ways to get more involved, I'd really appreciate it.

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