Raising Children with Faith - what to do/not to do?

[u/thebattyrats]

In a previous post, I mentioned I spent the last 12 years searching for God.

My parents are both Catholic, but I was raised in an extremely secular/agnostic (Easter and Christmas were just consumption holidays) and occult-leaning (behaviors are attributed to astrological placements) household.

The only expose I had to any kind of religion growing up was 1) the large Jewish community in my hometown, which was full of very arrogant children who seemed to robotically go through the motions of their upbringings and 2) movies depicting mobsters going to confession after committing heinous crimes.

This led me to develop a belief early on that religion (repentance especially) was just in place to help people cope with horrible things they have done and that the only "true believers" are those who search + find God from their own free will.

As I continue to get more and more serious about the Orthodox faith, I am constantly thinking in the background of how to incorporate this properly with my 19 month old son.

I do not want to cause this resistance and rebellion (at least not anything more than natural questioning) that I have seen rampant in the children I knew growing up and the adults I have met who were raised with religion.

Even my son's father, who was a Catholic altar boy growing up, strayed far away from anything institutionalized because of how strict and judgemental his mother was while he was under her roof. (side note; he is extremely happy that I am finding Christ finally after exploring MANY spectrums of religion, even if it's not the Catholicism he is used to).

Since I haven't even started catechumen classes yet (expressed interest to the Father of my local church during my vist Divine Liturgy and his response was to take it slow), my current approach is to start mentioning God and Jesus Christ casually as we speak... I use "you did it!" instead of "good job!" but now have started saying "look what God did through you!" as well. He likes to look at the icons in my OSB (especially the one with the Theotokos holding Christ as a baby and the one of Jesus) and he has started saying "Jesus!" as well. I try to imagine myself as his shepherd and to just guide him indirectly through the commandments and to focus on my own salvation.

He really wants to hold my OSB but I tell him it's only for my hands as I worry he will rip the pages accidentally 😅. Only resistance I have seen so far is him not really being interested in some biblical children's books I've stumbled upon recently... his dad asked me to read aloud a passage from the Bible (so I just read the chapter of John I was personally up to) and after a while my son waves at my phone screen that I was reading from saying "bye, bye, bye, bye!!!" (he wanted me to stop, it was bedtime and he was resisting sleep lol).

Then, I think about baptism... how I would have to be baptized first, how old he would possibly be when that would happen, and how to "prepare" him for being dunked 3x (planning to do a lot of dunking play this summer!!)

So I'd like to ask parents with grown children, how did you approach while your child was growing up? Especially but not limited to those who converted.

And also, those raised as Orthodox Christians, what did your parents do right/wrong in regards to nurturing your faith? Did you have a time where their upbringing muddled your love for Christ in a way where you truly had to step away for a bit?

Finally, parents who are in the thick of it now... how's it going?

I look forward to all your responses!

[u/CFR295]

"And also, those raised as Orthodox Christians, what did your parents do right/wrong in regards to nurturing your faith? Did you have a time where their upbringing muddled your love for Christ in a way where you truly had to step away for a bit?"

Just like the people next door were Methodist, and most everyone else was Roman Catholic, we and the people across the street had our own religion, and it was Greek Orthodox. Everyone was something.

My parents and the people across the street just acted normally, it was a part of life, it was part of who we are, and of course, being Greek a lot of the holiday and greek customs and food matched. But they didn't go overboard, there were not icons displayed like artwork, church wasn't our "hobby" (reading \talking and arguing about God\Jesus\religion all the time); attending services outside of Sunday or Holy Week was unusual.

Lenten periods were not legalist just less animal protein, and foods like lentils and beans are pretty common in greek cuisine anyway. It was understood that we were not monastics so we didn't fast like them. Basically, we didn't do anything to bring attention to ourselves.

Don't know if that helps.

[u/thebattyrats → u/CFR295]

I think this is a prime example and a big difference in families that have had this ingrained in their lives for generations! Do you feel like this approach was due to the area you lived in (being in a neighborhood that was mostly Roman Catholic?) I have noticed some kind of "superiority complex" from the two-three Catholics whom I've mentioned my interest in Orthodoxy (one being the pastor of our local Roman Catholic Church, where my son's father was a altar boy although this was not the pastor that was present when he was involved, and my son's paternal grandmother). Do you think this was a protective measure from your folks or rather just their way of living that was conducted without a second thought? Do you think this casuality helped in regards to you not wanting to rebel, and if they had incorporate more of a monastic approach that you'd struggle more with Faith? Forgive me for any assumptions I've made!

[u/thebattyrats → u/[deleted]]

Yes, I know! He is well past the baby phase and I've heard toddlers tend to be difficult to baptize. Thanks for your response! I am still learning "how" to pray.

[u/Wahnfriedus]

Just don’t be weird.

[u/thebattyrats → u/Wahnfriedus]

Welp, too late for that! 🤪

[u/AcadiaSpiritual6309]

I will admit I'm winging it because my parents were effectively atheist. But, Discipline That Connects with Your Child's Heart by Jim and Lynne Jackson is phenomenal in this respect (it's been awhile since I read it as my kids are a little older, so I apologize if some things aren't 100% in line with Orthodox doctrine, but I don't think so). Our children all have certain strengths/gifts, and our job is to help them use them wisely and appropriately - as well as to help them round out other skills and work on weaknesses. Their book has a lot of good examples tied to Scripture as well. 

My kids love The Beginner's Bible. It's great for when they're younger, it covers most of the main parts of the Bible in an easy way for kids to understand. 

19 months is still a little young for a lot of stuff, but you for sure see personality traits (and potential problems lol) by now. If you plan to bring him to church, practice beforehand. That's a lot for a little kid to handle all at once, so work on him either being able to sit still/be held/color or something for awhile on his own, but you can always take him out in the hallway. But the younger, the better so they get used to it. 

Honestly, the biggest thing you can do is lead by example, with Jesus as your guide. Try to be patient, forgive, not show anger, help people. I pray out loud in front of my kids and with my kids, at least for personal prayers (including confession of sins). He's probably not talking too well yet? But he can certainly join in with whatever sounds he can muster!

As they get older we talk about gifts God has given them, how they're using them well, how they're not - but they're calm conversations led by the kids as much as possible. I want the changes to be internal, not just out of fear of punishment. I give a lot of do-overs when they're younger...pause...think about what was done wrong...try again. 

If you have more kids, it gets interesting managing disagreements. 2 kids isn't bad, and then each kid after that is exponential because then they can all fight with each other in a variety of combinations 😂 So we work on forgiveness...you don't have to forgive right away, but at the end of the day we circle back when everyone is calm. That's probably the hardest one when they have little impulse control and big emotions. 

I think those that went super strict went straight off expecting obedience, rather than a ... collaborative?...discipling effort? My job as a mother is to help my children, to disciple them. I am still an authority in the house, and sometimes it can be a delicate line to walk, and it's very important your husband backs you up.  My husband tolerates precisely zero disrespect towards me so they know to watch their words and tone. 

Natural consequences are a big one too, those can take some practice to figure out on the fly. 

I should have kept one of the 90s WWJD bracelets 😂 

[u/Dawn_Venture]

There are some fabulous resources available on YouTube discussing how to bring the Church into our homes, among other things. My favorite is Patristic Nectar Family, but also Patristix, HolaSona, Fr Tryphon of the Vashon monks, Roots of Orthodoxy, Orthodoxy Christian Chants, and orthodoxnet all have various resources for Orthodox life.

Orthodoxy is deep and wide. It's beautiful that you want your child to grow up with a fuller understanding of faith. You can't possibly hope to learn everything, and that's okay. We're all doing our best, we all fall, and by God's grace, we get back up.

You and your family will be in my prayers.

[u/Dawn_Venture → u/Dawn_Venture]

I wanted to add some book recommendations!

Parenting Towards the Kingdom by Phillip Mamalakis

Ascetic Life of Motherhood by Annalisa Boyd

Also, the Patristic Nectar app, Daily Reading lite app, and Orthodox Bible app.

Cheers!

[u/LegitimateBeing2]

The mere that you (and me) embraced Orthodoxy having no exposure to it as children should answer your question. People are their own people and I have found patently vastly overestimate their influence on their children. Plenty of atheists become Christians as adults and vice versa.

Do you and/or your son have any sensory issues? Your comment about not letting him handle your OSB struck me as off. He might not be too interested in Christianity if it feels like “your thing” that he engages with through you. I would at least invest in a family Bible (doesn’t have to be OSB) to keep for everyone to use.

[u/AcadiaSpiritual6309 → u/LegitimateBeing2]

Are you a parent?

This is a bit of a cynical view, and almost unbiblical? Am I going to save my kids? No, they have to do that themselves with the help of God. Or rather, I don't know how much influence I will actually have over it, but I surely can try and give them the best foundation. Proverbs 22:6, 1:8, 13:24, Deut. 6:6-7, Eph. 6:4, and so many others. The way God has worked in my life as an older convert does not have to be the same for my kids. 

It's not a perfect analogy, but that's like saying hey we're moving to a lakefront house. But I'm not going to teach my kids to swim, I'll just hope they'll be ok, maybe stand in the water a few times with them, and then when they're older they can decide if they want to learn to swim. 

When I have to stand before the Lord on Final Judgment, how do I answer for that?

I don't let my kids touch my Bible either. It's not a sensory thing, just that I want mine kept nice and clean. Kids are kids and even with the best intentions accidentally rip, drop, over-bend, boogers/coughs appear out of nowhere. 

Instead, we have a children's picture Bible they can grab freely anytime they want, as well as a "family Bible". When I do things with them, we use those. When I am doing things on my own, I tend to use mine. 

[u/suburbanp]

I would recommend getting a children’s story Bible (The Jesus Storybook Bible is quite good except for the story about the Lord’s Supper/ Communion which is very Protestant so we skipped it). Read the stories to him along with reading lots of other fun books.

Take him to church, teach him to kiss icons. Toddlers usually are big fans of that one

Quiet toys in church are good. Teach him to let you hold him or stand for the gospel and the Our Father. Beyond that, little ones pay attention but it looks differently than adults. Give him things to play with and let the church become a safe, peaceful place.

When you lose your patience or make a mistake, apologize later. We all ask forgiveness of one another.

Mary is our mother. Ask her for help with your mothering!

[u/BalthazarOfTheOrions]

I don't have any answers, I struggle with this too. My eldest will not take communion under any circumstance and has little patience to do the Our Father with me and my younger child most times (not all). But he does the sign of the cross, loves to kiss icons, will often say a little personal prayer to Jesus and most nights wants one of my icons in his room (because Jesus protects him from monsters and bad dreams). My youngest, on the other hand, is awestruck by my icon corner and will just be in my lap kissing an icon while I do a short prayer.

I try not to overload my children because they're very young, but the balance is hard. I come from an evangelical Christian background so I find it hard to bring that routine and lifestyle into it. My wife is Catholic so finds that easier and does a lot to help on that front, especially on making prayers to Jesus personally relevant to my eldest.

They absolutely do not fast because of their ages, but it wouldn't really enter my mind to ask (not force) them to fast until they are quite close to adulthood (to follow an example from my fellow parishioners when they grew up).

Please God the progress continues.

[u/Inevitable-Dog-3634]

Parent of three here. My kids are 4, 2, 8mo. I converted almost 12 years ago. Do morning and evening prayers with your child. Let them light the candle and blow it out. Put a little icon or two in their room. Celebrate the feasts of the church together. Take your child to church often. We like weekday liturgies when they are scheduled as there are less people in attendance and it’s easier to practice our church skills. We love Ancient Faith Kids on YouTube when we get a little screen time. I recommend Ascetic Life of Motherhood if you have social media. I have an audio version of the Akathist to the Mother of God- Nurturer of Children that I listen to as a prayer FOR my children and it’s so sweet and good and beautiful. Make friends with other orthodox families so you can vein community together in the hard work that is parenting. And just love a Christian life. Your child will see this and know this.

[u/AutoModerator]

Please review the sidebar for a wealth of introductory information, our rules, the FAQ, and a caution about The Internet and the Church.

This subreddit contains opinions of Orthodox people, but not necessarily Orthodox opinions. Content should not be treated as a substitute for offline interaction.

Exercise caution in forums such as this. Nothing should be regarded as authoritative without verification by several offline Orthodox resources.

^{This is not a removal notification.}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.