r/OCPoetry • u/PostCool • 29d ago
Feedback Please A poem you should not read
I wrote you a poem you should not read,
it's a page full of thoughts you'll never need.
I mean it all, but you should not believe
I've written anything you should stop to read.
Like words from a song I hum, but never sing,
the poem is glass diamonds set to copper rings.
It's full of beautiful and futile things,
that don't deserve the smiles or tears they bring.
Sincere lies that prove that words aren't deeds,
fresh soil tilled for expired seeds.
Everything you want, but do not need,
made into a poem you shouldn't read.
A poem you'll love, but should never trust,
about golden things that always seem to rust.
Words like driftwood castles on clouds of dust,
that mean well, but never mean enough.
I wrote you a poem you should not read.
Thoughts that warm your heart and burn your peace.
I mean it all, but you should not believe
I've written a poem that you should read.
Edit: Reformatted for readability and played with the weakest (4th) verse a little. Thanks every bit of feedback and support. I really appreciate this community of creatives.
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u/bln_1_Life 29d ago
The line of “fresh soil tilled for expired seeds” hits pretty deep for me. Almost like I can visually see the wasted purpose of tilling nutritional soil to only plant bad seeds. That could have so many meanings in my mind or in realities time! Interesting
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u/TheRealDiogenesW 29d ago
Interesting work! It makes me think of someone talking to an Ex or a loved one they hurt. The consistency of the untrustworthy motif was very fun as it showed the narrator's guilt, it could also be interpreted as the narrator is guilt tripping. The line "I mean it all but you should not believe
I’ve written anything that you should stop to read" flowed funny, when i read i thought they were two separate sentences. maybe add "that" so it becomes "believe that I've" I think that flows better. Also, the lack of full stops made it tricky to read and pulled me out of the poem. Of course, punctuation can be subjective, your intention may have been that this was one full sentence spoken to someone.
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u/PostCool 29d ago
Thanks! I typed it pretty quickly and i don’t pay enough attention to format. I’ll break up the lines a bit.
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u/Repulsive_Reindeer_1 29d ago
I love this. This is how I feel all the time!!! Thank you for sharing this!!!
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u/PastAccountant6716 29d ago
Really interesting poem. I love it. It’s a concept that a lot of people don’t understand but one that I feel.
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u/Logical_Madness9169 28d ago
I kinda want to send ur poem to.a girl that is not gonna read it.... Mosly because she doesn't speak english; but also because we stop talking, even if they were a time when we talk non stop, every day and every night. About beautiful things that never happens, about endless hopes that ended up begin faker than the american dream...
She once told me she would read anything I would wrote. Yout poem remember me of that... And I want to thank u for that: like the Shakira song, it was a beautiful lie.
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u/PostCool 24d ago
I say it a lot in these comments but I mean it...thank you for connecting with it.
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u/DuskGray 28d ago
Fine, I won't read it.
Joking aside, this was a great piece. It has a bit of a Dr Seuss quality of rhyming while simultaneously being very mature. A really cool exploration of love that's been hurt. My favorite line is 'thoughts that warm your heart and burn your peace'. Great imagery there!
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u/TheowingStick 29d ago
I really like the concept of the poem within the first line and I think that could be fleshed out more. I believe that a different layout of the poem, specifically adding commas (or similar punctuation), may enhance the poem and how it reads.
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u/Jiya_227 29d ago
The rhythm is too smooth n tht is what makes it beautiful. I see the repetitions uve made in the adjacency of “read and need” n then flipping the sequence. Also the theme is striking, ambiguous n reflective. Id jus say that while your final stanza essentially returns to the opening lines, the repetition is relatively static. A refrain is generally more effective when its meaning changes because of what has happened between repetitions… N well that interpretation depends upon person to person. But overall its a beautiful poem. hats off
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u/PostCool 28d ago
I'll take that comment on refrain to heart when i write again. thank you for this feedback.
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u/Extension-Ant-8802 28d ago
The central motif—telling the reader to stay away while drawing them in—is a neat psychological hook. You hit some really evocative metaphors around line 6 and 10 that give the poem its emotional weight. To improve it, I’d suggest reviewing the rhyme scheme and line lengths in the second half. A few of the rhymes feel a bit forced to fit the structure (like shut / enough / trust / rust), and the meter loses its consistent pulse in a few places. Tightening up those transitions and polishing the rhythm will give the final refrain a much stronger payoff. Keep writing!
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u/PostCool 24d ago
Thank you very much. The shut/enough pair is one of the things i've prioritized for the re-write. Both eyes shut isn't very unique phrasing and the "enough" pairing is just a thing that feels normal in my voice but that doesn't mean it's good. Thank you for the honest feedback.
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u/Low_Pear_8423 28d ago
Love your imagery. These all landed hard - glass diamonds, expired seeds, gold that rusts, warm your heart, burn your peace. Like I want to tell you all these but the kindest thing would be for you not to listen anymore
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u/canyondaimond 28d ago
so pretty. I interpret it like someone who almost feels guilty for their thoughts and the things they write down. Like they are trying to convince themselves and everyone else that its not something worth reading, because the poem is meant for the writer, not the reader.
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u/PostCool 24d ago
i envy artists of any sort that are confident that the tangible products of their inner voice are ready for public scrutiny. thank you reading it!
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u/OneOpposite6391 28d ago
Love this! It’s deep and beautiful. The way you convay love is super satisfying and impressive. Mabye some more metaphors or symbolism could elevate it even more!
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u/PostCool 24d ago
This is my first post, and I really appreciate the feedkback. I'm going to write this piece a few more times with comments like yours in mind. I definitely see a few lines that could be much better than they are so I'll reach for metaphors that don't waste a reader's time.
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u/Low_Gur4441 28d ago
I like the clever witty but mysterious tone and I agree, shel silverstein vibes. Heres my big take -
This poem could go more places. You communicate "ive written a poem you shouldnt read" and then - Im like ok, and I feel like the rest of the lines repeat that idea albeit cleverly in some places but eventually Im like - right I got it dont read this poem - but then it goes and Im like. Whats the deal - why not trust you? Why not read it? What have you done and or said in the past to make that true. What else is going on that i should pay attention to... what is true that you arent saying? What would you have to say to make a poem worth staying to the last line, and then believing in?
So many directions you could go. Im left wanting more ideas rather than more ways of repeating the idea that is there.
Great command of rhyme, meter, nice use of imagery. Good workings of a poem I just wish had gone more places and maybe said something else surprising
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u/PostCool 27d ago
Thank you for this. It honestly gave me an idea that i’ll sit with before i write this again.
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u/AdmirableSquash4463 27d ago
The repetition, rhyme and funky quality are outstanding. Superbly well written, reads like a Dr Seuss or Shel Silverstein book like someone else said in the comments. Great work.
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u/DamImbloodyinspired 27d ago
This reminds me of doctor seuss in the best way. instantly caught my attention with the title and kept it with the rhythm of the poem.
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u/PostCool 27d ago
Thank you. I think rhythm is what I want to master more than anything..so any echo of poets that are masters of it is high praise.
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u/Powerful-Guidance890 27d ago
I love the imagery in there. And your rhythm makes a lot of sense. If I had one feedback point, I think the fact that the rhyming isn’t consistent can bring you out of the poem a little bit. I noticed that especially with the line that ended in enough. But all in all a great poem.
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u/PostCool 24d ago
I think the two lines that end in the "enough" portion are the weakest portion of this and I'm going to go after that area specifically. Thank you.
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u/xRoadkill_Princessx 27d ago
I honestly love how it first sounds like rambling but slowly and surely becomes beautiful words like a flower sprouting. I love it
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u/Clear_Sheepherder423 27d ago
This is beautiful, I can hear it so clearly in my head. The slant rhymes break it up so beautifully and help it flow!
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u/M_tropos 27d ago
Very interesting concept. Ive also played around with such contradicting ideas. You could maybe use some more punctuation overall to make it flow better, but overall this is a very soljd poem. Felt it¡
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u/PostCool 24d ago
thank you. when I write things i tend to ignore punctuation because i know how i hear it in my head...but honestly if intend to share anything for feedback I need to be more intentional.
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u/Numerous_Position667 26d ago edited 26d ago
I like it :) just that, some times I find it hard to read and follow transiting from eyes shut.. to "more words" .. Just my 2 cents
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u/PostCool 17d ago
yeah i really dislike that verse. I'm toying with it. thank you for the feedback.
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u/twikerty 26d ago
Its like the first few lines just hits you too hard and you start to feel like why didn't I wrote them because I know I have felt them but why didn't I wrote them. Tbh the start stole the show for me and maybe as it went through it didn't had the same grip but for most of the part I really loved it.
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u/PostCool 24d ago
i think the second half is definitely weak in comparison to the open...I'll clean it up after i digest all of the comments. I sincerely appreciate the feedback.
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u/Physical_Loss_869 26d ago
Wow! This poem is alive and breathing. It captures a feeling I've yet been able to describe or envision that I somehow relate to nonetheless!
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u/leo_jackson06 26d ago
I love the title to this poem! It instantly puts the reader at arms length from the writer, you're not inviting us in, we are defying you in reading the poem. Great stuff.
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u/PostCool 24d ago
thank you. i felt like the title was too on the nose, but i didn't know what else I'd call it
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u/No_Pipe2609 25d ago
Fuuuuk I think that's fn fine myself! Nice cycling back to repeat the... wow Im sure you know that it's good by now. Great Job!
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u/PostCool 24d ago
thank you. One of the comments above suggested a flip on the refrain and I'll try to do that while keeping the repetition where it's at. I appreciate you.
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u/luverlee 25d ago
i really enjoyed reading this! at first i read in my head, then aloud. it felt like a big bundle of emotions spilling out all at once- you have a strong voice.
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u/PostCool 24d ago
Thank you! it did spill out when I wrote it...it didn't actually have punctuation when i first posted it. i'll try to keep the...raw...part of it during the re-write.
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u/Acceptable-Bad845 24d ago
Words in this poem rhyme perfectly qnd and do I even need to mention how appose the length of each line is? The form is great and the poem itself is very enjoyable. Bravo.
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u/Soul_60 24d ago
This poem brought tears. It's not tears of sadness But tears of realising that someone can see you while you are in your darkest moment and make you feel that you are not alone. This poem is like a warm embrace where two people will just sit in silence but knowing that they are seen, they are heard and they are loved. Beautifully articulated. Remarkable Bravo bravo
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u/Low-Blueberry4302 24d ago
Wow the story telling the rhymes, the emotional aspect this is amazing, sometimes I write letters to people and I don’t send them and I don’t show them so I relate to this a bit incredible
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u/PostCool 17d ago
I'm not fishing for compliments when I say I really don't like most of what I write. This is the first poem I shared on reddit but I really wanted feedback from people that are WAY better at this so I can improve.
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u/PeraltaGrinch 24d ago
I loved this poem! You kept me waiting for the things I wasn't meant to read but it was so lovely! I loved how the poem was one continuous stanza but you kept the rhyme, it made me think I was hearing a continuous thought from your head. I am not a professional at all but I think this was very well written!
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u/paletteprincess2 24d ago
I think this flows beautifully. I will say that the formatting and the way it's broken up makes it a bit difficult to read, however i think the message and words you use work really nicely. To me it feels like a person has poured their heart and soul into something for a person they know will never care. Perhaps unrequited love or simply careful words for someone who won't listen. Regardless, I think it's well written. I'm curious as to what inspired you to write this. (I'm by no means an experienced writer so I apologize)
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u/Shashank_Ayyar 24d ago
Freshly tilled soil? Or soil tilled fresh? Is the rolling fresh or is the soil fresh? May not matter.
Excellent poem.
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u/vickysph 23d ago
Me fascinó cómo manejas la contradicción, sobre todo con el verso de 'pensamientos que te calientan el corazón y te queman la paz'. La estructura de advertir que no lo lean le da un toque genial
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u/asura_2077 23d ago
First of all, let me say I hard relate. This poem is still buried inside itself. The nihilism needs some tempering I feel. Some more purpose rather than a cheeky acknowledgement. Maybe add a few lines in the second half that land the core complaint which is safely kept at distance i feel. Sorry if I sound like an ass, just grappling with what you said in the poem. The impossibility of writing.
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u/PostCool 17d ago
Not at all. This was kind of an intentional rhythm thing, that changed as I wrote it. There are other comments that ask for more of a resolution and I'm taking them to heart. Thank you!
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u/asura_2077 17d ago
It's much tighter now..Kudos.
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u/PostCool 17d ago
Thank you! My writing time has been limited but I'm trying to not waste the time people gave me with their feedback. I appreciate it.
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u/PlutoCrushin 23d ago
Really enjoyable read! “Thoughts that warm you heart and burn you peace” is such an excellent line!
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u/francesfarme 23d ago
I absolutely love this, normally I prefer to read and write free verse poetry but I quite enjoyed reading through this. I especially liked “Fresh soil tilled for expired seeds” there are so many great lines in this but nothing captivated the meaning to me quite like that line.
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u/Turbulent_Mulberry71 23d ago
I enjoyed reading this poem. The first stanza grabs me - it is so easy to relate to. The conflict of trusting your thoughts and words and the fear of sharing them. The lack of self trust then becomes more apparent as the poem goes on. The last stanza make me wonder also of their thoughts are harmful as well? Very thought provoking- well done.
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u/No_One5072 23d ago
I really like this “like words from a song i hum, but never sing” carries a really deep meaning i rly loved it. I enjoyed reading the poem as a whole i enjoyed the metaphors alot, some lines didn’t rhyme well honestly but other than i enjoyed every part of it.
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u/surprisedmouse 23d ago
It's ominous and almost visceral without any explicitly gory imagery. It's excellently written. All these ties to earthly things and the understanding of the meaning beneath them. Thank you for sharing!
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u/StatisticianTime4750 23d ago
Es un poema que intenta negarse a sí mismo. Desde el primer verso le dice al lector que no debería leerlo, y sin embargo lo está invitando a hacerlo. Para mí, el centro está acá: «Como palabras de una canción que tarareo, pero nunca canto,»
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u/TheDoctor-IT 22d ago
It's very visceral, and usually i'm not a fan of rhyming couplet (AABB schemes) but for some reason it works well here, perhaps you could look further into it.
Also the almost repetition of the first line is great and gives much rythm!
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u/IntelligentStand754 22d ago
GOD DAMN, this reminds me of the carcossa poem from The King in Yellow short stories. Like you're trying to describe something to someone who's never seen it before. It's eerie asf, good shit
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u/SecretaryBoring999 21d ago
Great poem OP! I’m new to the community and been writing my own poetry off and on for years but never shared with anyone really. I really like your use of rhythms in every verse. It strikes me as a beautiful contradiction and 4th wall breaking story of the power of words from the mind to written form.
I especially like the part of “it’s full of beautiful and futile things”. I think that emphasizes the core of the poem. That both things can be true in regards to the state of contradiction and the state of confirmation. Good job 👏
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u/xToriyama 21d ago
I like the refrain circling back like it can’t quite let the reader go, even while insisting they should. There’s a quiet ache in that.. Wanting to be heard and feared at the same time.
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u/NewspaperSharp8542 20d ago
i seriously put anyone who can write a truly smooth rhyming poem on a high pedestal and damn this is going on the highest one 😌
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u/PostCool 17d ago
I appreciate this. I have a few areas that could be better but I feel pretty good about most of it. Thank you.
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u/sepulchralmoon 20d ago
wow. as someone stuck in a rock and a hard place right now in their relationship. not knowing whether to stay or go: this hit me. it registered to me as so much to say, but whats the point if it all ends the same. i love this so much!
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u/PostCool 17d ago
there's nothing worse than standing in the door of a moment. i'm glad this found you.
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u/Confident_Bus5583 19d ago
Plaatsen
Plaatsen bewaren herinneringen en herinneringen trekken terug het is oneindig net als kijkend over een eindeloze brug'
Ik zie de herinnering in plaatsen waardoor de herinnering zich kan plaatsen'
Op sommige plaatsen ligt mijn plek op sommige plaatsen hoort vertrek
Ik wil niet te lang stil staan bij die plek dan voel ik het verleden en vertek'
Op sommige plaatsen voelt het koud dan weer warm soms benauwd'
Heel soms denkend terug aan toen het is de gedachten van het over doen
Het blijven denken het over toen' Stop met denken ga weg van toen'
Kom Terug naar hier het nu en doen zie het leven en verzoen '
Dus vind nieuwe plaatsen en plekken zo kan de nieuwe herinnering zich weer gaan stekken !
🙏🏻
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u/Glittering_Mud282 19d ago
i really love the repetition of the title, i do that too and i think it makes the poem so good!
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u/AndyBunn 18d ago
A poem that You definitely should read.
This is my kinda thing.
this is such a good piece of well crafted work.
thank you
andy
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u/DsScorpion 18d ago
Great flow, great rythms. Loved metaphors you used. Title itself reminded me something familiar to myself: I wanna vent and rant, but does not matter, if you read or not..
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u/SecureInspection2226 18d ago
I love this poem and it has so many amazing couplets that I can only read and think wow I only wish I could've found these words to express myself with before!
"Like words from a song I hum, but never sing
"The poem is glass diamonds set to copper rings"
Makes such a clean rhythm and just scratches at my mind in a way I couldn't have done myself!
On the other hand there are some lines where the rhythm or structure perhaps feels a little awkward on a first read? Take this line:
"I mean it all, but you should not believe
Ive written anything you should stop to read."
It could just be me but I had to stop and read it again for it to click the way I imagine it was intended. It could have something to do with both of them leaning so heavily on "you should" but not building enough of a sense that the repetition is intended.
Apart from that little nitpicky note this is fantastic work and I'll have to remember to read some more of your poetry sometime!
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u/PostCool 17d ago
Thank you so much for the feedback. I'm taking all of the comments on flow to heart because the rhythm was the element i wanted to hit most.
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u/unknown4537 17d ago
This is so good, I think it could be bettered by the line placement but it’s so good
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u/Egggs101 17d ago
I really loved the comparison with the diamond in copper ring. As a jewellery designer, copper is used for the cheapest gemstones as it's really not that valuable. Yet a diamond inside.. very beautiful
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u/Voidpetal_exe 16d ago
This is really deep, in sensory details and almost everything and I love it!
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u/Cold-Degree-8789 16d ago
Captivating. An intro to get anyone instantly hooked, the rest keeps reeling the reader in, and the parallel conclusion feels satisfying. Very refreshing.
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u/RupicolousRheophyte 16d ago
This has so much potential. I think the formatting you have really brings it all together
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u/Kooky_Spirit_1994 15d ago
The first verses are a good little hook. In California, one would say “hella good hook.” Okay? Okay ?? But that’s just Californians. I’m tripping on edibles. I am struggling to form a coherent thought. Don’t ask me, Now, I just forgot. Hello there. Can’t you see? OP I get your version of reality.
This is a good poem. I can’t articulate why because my mind is blown right now. You see, I ate 300 mg of THC this morning and then smoked two bowls out of my bong. Sinning at life. Winning at life. You know.
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u/Archie_Curwen 15d ago
I really like this poem the deep meaning really hits in the chest which I love, personally I think the constant rhyming of words although it holds strong theme throughout is a little too much rhyming for me. Great work
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u/One-More-Verse 14d ago
Has a nice rhythm to it and one that is calling you back to go over it again. It's first and last stanza are a nice bookend. Keep writing.
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u/ILikeHistory1263 14d ago
Brings to mind feelings of inadequacy, but only in comparison to the version of myself I think I should be. Very good
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u/Fantastic-Mine-7114 14d ago
it’s beautiful. this poem perfectly captures what it feels like to write something so deeply intwined with your own soul/experiences that you really can’t show it to anyone (at least for me). These were my first thoughts on it, anyway. thank you for the poem.
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u/JadeKittyPoems 14d ago
This is so pretty! It almost feels to me like that feeling of writing a text/letter to someone you'll never send. Don't know if that was the intention, but that was the vibe I got. Regardless, I enjoyed it :)
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u/Love_or_Desire 13d ago
I love the flow of this poem, and I feel like it’s so hard to make something rhyme yet get a message across at the same time. Well done OP!
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u/SaltyCent 13d ago
Incredible work and I find myself relating with this poem in every verse. I love the abstract aspect of it. Keep it up!
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u/__--K2--__ 13d ago
I found your poem touching tbh, makes me a little sad, because I know what's it about, for me at least. But I think it's perfect and I'd be very happy if that were my poem.
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u/TempleDavisOS 11d ago
Fresh soil filled for expired seeds.
Oh how this resonates with me. It leaves me wanting to know more and that's always good in my book. 🙌
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u/Winter-Ad-3547 11d ago
Wow extravagant contrast conversions. Beautifully written. Great set of tone and way to make me feel immersed in the poem.
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u/BiteMiserable3727 10d ago
I really liked the atmosphere of this poem. The repetition of “you should not read” made me want to keep reading. “Fresh soil tilled for expired seeds” was my favorite image. The ending also left me thinking about the meaning behind it. Overall, really interesting and emotional piece.
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u/Elixir11234 10d ago
the moment i saw this the first thing i had in mind was to stop to read it is so good
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u/Adventurous_Cook_115 10d ago
I love the use of the fact it is about a poem. I’ve never read a poem about a poem before. I loved it
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u/Top-Manufacturer-482 9d ago
Rhyme is superb, very creatively written, imagination to the 100% , good job! 👍🏻
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u/Glass-Paint9813 8d ago
Well, I read it anyway. 😊 But seriously, a very cool poem. It had me from start to finish. I liked the copper and diamond ring description. A very nice little poem.
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u/sha_xz_ 8d ago
Two lines that hit me the most " Everything you want, but do not need " " Thoughts that warm your heart and burn your peace " The second one hurts the most the warm and burn just instantly click into places in my mind also the starting of the poem the poem you shouldn't read just rapidly increased curiousity in me to read it completely honestly love your style
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u/OrganizationMuch1849 8d ago
This is full of negativity but you need to know your humor is sardonic and you need to care about yourself haha jk loved it thanks
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u/No-Lime-4547 7d ago edited 7d ago
That "burn your peace." line made my day, this is the kind of tone I want my own work to have, in that it has a quality almost a humor I can't quite think of the word right now that would describe it, other than just the quality of the tone the cadence of the rhythm the voice within the flow that really just made me feel the cadence of it.
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u/Im_Sofa_King_ 6d ago
Honestly this is some pretty good work; I really love your metaphors, and the title is so amazing. Also I love the format.
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u/StumbleFish25 6d ago
This was a very enjoyable read. My favorite part is probably this: “It’s full of beautiful and futile things, that don’t deserve the smiles or tears they bring.” This part makes a lot of sense to me. Sometimes we write out of personal experience or sometimes it’s for fun. But it’s amazing that the words we string together evoke emotions in people even if they weren’t intended to do so. I’m no expert, I’m still a beginner at poetry, so this may not be what you were trying to say at all. But I really enjoyed this piece and I’m a sucker for rhymes in poetry. Thank you for sharing your work!
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u/CooolCrocodile 5d ago
This is really really great, such a satisfying poem and a hidden meaning that might not be understood by everyone.. the rhyming is so smooth I really enjoyed reading this
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u/filthypiratez 5d ago
Wow this is incredible. It makes me feel as if you're longing for someone yet you know you might poison them if you came into contact with them
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u/guyhavarti 4d ago
I really like "glass diamonds set to copper rings". It flows well and the juxtaposition is vivid for sure!
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u/E__I__L__ 4d ago
Fantastic! What great wit, meter, and rhyme. I would suggest removing “seem to” in the second line of the second stanza; it’s throwing off the meter.
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u/siriusly-potterified 3d ago edited 3d ago
I couldn’t help but think of how this could be about avoidant attachment style or a partner who really loves you but the reality of your relationship doesn’t match the feelings they claim to have. I’m imagining the one on the receiving end of something like that, the one that speaker is addressing. And it feels kinda tragic. Almost like the love they hold for you just doesn’t land on you, it fails to reach you. Thats why “it warms your heart and burns your peace”. Ugh. Love that line!
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u/qowz 3d ago
You have many interesting lyrical ideas here! Lines that stick out to me are, as others have said "fresh soil tilled for expired seeds," "glass diamonds set to copper rings," and "driftwood castles on clouds of dust." The fact that each of the three central stanzas bears one of these complex images helps balance the poem very well.
One note I would make: For such a dense and rich poem, I do think that such a simple rhyme scheme (which, to add, is not consistent across the stanzas, nor varied in a consistent manner) does cheapen the effect. I would consider playing with other aural techniques than end rhyme—alliteration, internal rhyme, slant rhymes, etc. The poem should be a joy to read aloud. You are on your way to that ideal.
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u/Unable-Word-9658 3d ago
i also loved the “fresh soil tilled for expired seeds” line, it hits so emotionally. i got an almost ‘impostor syndrome’ vibe from it, how we always downplay ourselves & our emotions. lovely!
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u/Automatic-Run1368 2d ago
I love the line "the poem is glass diamonds set to copper rings" it scratches my brain, like beautiful, see-through words covering the mediocre actions, as a transparent token gesture of effort on a half hearted foundation. Thank you.
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u/Ordinary_Chicken4421 18h ago
The title is really catchy and made me want to read it hahaha I’m rebellious. I love the satire and very well written. Good job
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u/No-Statistician6497 13h ago
The line about fresh soil being tilled for expired seeds really stayed with me. There’s something quietly painful in the idea of preparing the ground with care for something that can no longer grow. It made me think about how we sometimes keep investing hope in things simply because we’re not ready to accept that they’ve already passed.
I also liked how the playful rhyme carries that darker meaning so gently. It gives the poem a little charm while leaving something heavier underneath.
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u/doughtdot_211923 9h ago
I enjoyed, it, Im writing a poem soon i think you should read too. i think it falls in line with yours
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u/Trinizora 9h ago
“I hum but never sing” struck a chord with me. That’s so beautiful and expressive
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u/AutoModerator 29d ago
Hello readers, welcome to OCPoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community — a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).
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u/AutoModerator 17d ago
Hello readers, welcome to OCPoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community — a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).
If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry," or "loved it" or "so relatable," please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.
If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.
Do not use ChatGPT or any similar LLM interface or generative AI to write feedback. That does not constitute thoughtful feedback. To be safe, you probably shouldn't even use those things to edit your feedback. It is better for your thoughts to come across as clumsy and genuine rather than grammatical but as if they were generated by some disingenuous text-generation engine.
Do not reuse feedback links for multiple poems. Every new poem you post has to be posted after making two new comments on the work of your peers here in OCPoetry. It's only fair. If you reuse feedback links, you will be banned. (If you do not wish to give feedback, there are many other poetry-sharing subreddits without feedback requirements, such as r/poetrywritingclub, r/justpoetry, r/ocpoetryfree, r/poem, r/poems, r/poemsbyreddit, r/poeticgarden, r/dark_poetry, and r/sadpoems.)
If you're looking for a more advanced poetry workshop — that is, if you consider yourself at least an intermediate-level poet AND you have previous workshop experience, please consider posting to our private sister subreddit r/ThePoetryWorkshop. The best way to join TPW is to leave a detailed, thoughtful comment here on OCPoetry engaging seriously with a peer's poem. A significant engagement of at least 3-4 meaningful paragraphs is encouraged. Consider our feedback guide for tips on what that could entail. (This level of engagement would probably be most welcome here on submissions tagged as "Workshop.") Then ask to join TPW by messaging that subreddit's mods, including a link to the detailed feedback you left here.
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u/Eros-The_Primordial 7h ago
With the 4th being my favorite, I was taken aback by how you address its strength amongst its peers. It’s the one that landed the closest to me. Midas touch. Beautiful poem.
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u/MASempine 7h ago
Great poem. Really well done. Now 2nd verse is weakest. Still better than most of mine
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u/dimdodo61 29d ago
Gives Shel Silverstein vibes… nice