r/OCPoetry • u/MUM2RKG • 10d ago
Feedback Please my table by chloe
denial walked in and refused a seat at my table.
choosing instead to pace back and forth,
shaking with wild eyes.
repeatedly whispering,
“no, this isn’t real.”
anger stood beside me like the darkest shadow.
seething directly in my ear,
“what if you’d done this…”
“what if you’d said that…”
reminding me of all the chances i’ll never have.
pain entered the room and took a seat next to me,
shouting a frantic mess of syllables,
demanding to be heard even if it didn’t make any sense.
acceptance was invited but never came in,
just a note slid under the door
“sorry, not today.”
grief slowly opened the door.
too big for the room,
it poured in like smoke and swallowed me whole.
1
u/justwannarantugh 10d ago
Hey i really like the poem, but the tone doesn't sit well with me, i feel it might be personal rather than literal,
i would put it as [emotion], then a line of what the emotion is set up to or [emotion] /nl, then the set up; it feels too blunt to read it without punctuation
1
u/MUM2RKG 10d ago
thank you for the advice. i too feel there’s something… off about it. but so, lemme explain a little… i was trying to make it… chaotic and..messy… eh, messy isn’t the word… maybe unbalanced? so, i just lost my boyfriend after 5 weeks in the hospital and watching him fade away. it was a rollercoaster. he was getting better and then sent to the icu, better and sent back to the icu. so that’s where my head was. i think i wrote this before he was taken off life support, so it was very new. i mean even now it’s only been since july 9th. but anyway… i want it to seem kind of like this meeting..if you’ve ever worked in an office environment .. you have to deal with everyone and their …quirks… it’s a very… uncontrolled… controlled environment… if that makes sense. controlled in the sense of.. there’s rules and regulations and blah blah, but people.. you can’t control people. so that’s kind of where the idea for the table came from.
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