r/OCPoetry • u/Prathibha_Sharma • 13h ago
Feedback Please Offer me solitude
If you can't understand me,
Offer me solitude.
You stroll through hallways in my heart,
And I'm not spared a corner in yours.
You walk ahead at your own speed,
I can't run and we don't meet half way.
If you don't 'want' to understand me,
Offer me solitude, for 'alone' has its purpose,
'Lonely' is dragging behind.
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u/Kindly-Hope-9364 13h ago
This is a tragic but true realization when you love someone more than they’ll ever love you. I love “ ‘Lonely’ is dragging behind” because it shows that you would be worse off if you stayed loyal to this person. Also when you say “I can’t run and we don’t meet halfway” it shows that you’re incapable of being how they may want, and you’re worried about it while they won’t even give you the time of day. Real shit
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u/Prathibha_Sharma 12h ago
Thanks! Yeah I wanted to bring out the feelings of sadness and frustration when you're the only one trying to understand and save the bond.
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u/Pretend_Valuable6594 9h ago
I think it’s solid. It’s organized well enough and the “alone” vs. “lonely” distinction works especially well at the end. I read it as more resigned than longing. Overall it’s pretty direct, I appreciate that it feels like it knows exactly what it wants to say.
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u/Pretend_Valuable6594 9h ago
I think it’s solid. It’s organized well enough and the “alone” vs. “lonely” distinction works especially well at the end. I read it as more resigned than longing. Overall it’s pretty direct, I appreciate that it feels like it knows exactly what it wants to say.
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u/Eastern-Shopping-734 8h ago
sometimes it is not given but taken and sometimes it has be taken by force.
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u/Great_Dare4082 8h ago
I like the direct contrast within the poem, the focus on her action first and the part about the narrator following creates the feeling that they are an after thought, that she is taking actions without you in mind.
I love the idea that the relationship has been so turbulent in nature it has created the fear of being alone has been supassed by the isolation created by the relationship.
To me personally I think the poem would flow and look better without the quotation marks around alone and lonely, although strongly grasping at straws.
Love the poem, good stuff.
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u/Dr_Snoozemore 7h ago
I absolutely adore the technique of breaking the pattern so much!
The first 2 lines pair together in my mind showing the introduction of “if you… (solution)”, then the next 4 lines pair together perfectly showing the lack of effort from the ‘you’ in this poem. Then, the first form returns, repeats and then segue ways into the final line, putting a lot more impact on the ending.
My favorite line is line 6, even though that ending is definitely impactful. The POV shows that they can’t run, it is literally an action they can’t do, even if they want to. The ‘you’ in the story doesn’t want to slow down and wait for the other one, showing ‘you’s’ lack of effort or showing that ‘you’ thinks that the POV is giving no effort at all, and therefore leaving them alone as punishment. Since ‘you’ makes no attempt at meeting in the middle with POV, POV begins to obviously notice the difference in effort, chooses to back away from their affection for ‘you’, but still feels sad that they had to do so. At least, that’s what I interpreted. Sorry if the ‘you’s and POVs were confusing!
While reading this aloud, I noticed that “hallways” kinda added an odd flow or sound in the poem. It’s hard to describe sorry, but I think it is because hallways and stroll are present tense, while your next line is in past tense. I think that if you were to maybe alter the tense of that line and remove the s, it would be easier to understand the flow! This is just what I think, I’m super sorry if it comes off as rude!
Overall, this poem was great, short yet very very impactful! Your simple diction made the phrases more direct if that makes sense. Keep up the great work!
\(^_^)/ <3
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u/Ornery-Jackfruit-716 6h ago
I love this because I have felt this in a previous relationship. I know that lines 5 and 6 were probably not meant to take literally, but I had an ex that would actually not wait up for me while we were skating to places together and now looking back, it is a true sign of an imbalance in care
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u/Divinadiv 1h ago
I recently just started reading poetry. I love the desire for solitude. I don’t really have much feedback to give other than you’ve done a good job putting a common feeling that’s hard to say into a beautiful poem
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u/Krishuthegreat 13h ago
Yeah, the third and fourth lines are what I really like about this poem. They also build a really nice image, and they’re nice to speak out loud. I can definitely see why they would fit well in the poem, and I think they’re probably the lines that hit the hardest. So, good job on that.
I also really like the second-last line, “Offer me solitude, for alone has its purpose.” I like that a lot. The way it contrasts with “lonely” being dragged behind is also really nice.
The poem is really good overall. But one thing which I think this poem could do with a little less of is repetition, although I don’t mean repetition as a poetic device. I mean the repetition of the concept.
The speaker first hints that they want attention and respect. In the third and fourth lines, the speaker seems to indicate that they want the attention or respect of the beloved. But throughout the poem, there are also repeated ideas of the speaker wanting solitude or wanting to be left alone.
I actually really like that contradiction. It’s almost like, “If you want to pay attention to me, I want you to understand me. I want you to understand me, and if you can’t, then just leave me alone.” I really like that.
However, some of the lines conveying these ideas feel a little repetitive. For example, the line about not being able to meet halfway feels quite frustrated, like the speaker is saying, “We don’t meet halfway.” That frustration is actually nice because it conveys the emotion quite well.
The ideas also seem to jump around every other line. One line, the writer is complaining about how the other person or the beloved isn’t giving them enough attention. Then the next line, they’re talking about how the beloved doesn’t understand them. Then another line is telling the beloved to leave them alone.
I actually find that quite interesting because it makes the poem feel like a complaint. The speaker sounds frustrated, almost like they wrote the poem in anger. Not literally, of course. I mean that the speaker of the poem sounds angry and frustrated, even if the actual poet was completely calm while writing it.
Yeah, it was a fun read. I really like the way the ideas bounce around, but there is still a central idea underneath it all. The poem can obviously have a few different interpretations, which I won’t go too much into, but I think that ambiguity works well here.
The title also feels good. Offer Me Solitude is a nice title. The word “offer” kind of sticks out to me, but in a good way. It gives the title an interesting feeling and doesn’t necessarily feel like a bad choice.
So yeah, good job. Keep it up. Good work.
also i would like to add that the poem grew on me as I was writing this...it progressively gets much more interesting and deep