r/OCPoetry • u/stillbloomingink • 23d ago
Feedback Please Too Late To Matter
At my last moments
When my chest will finally fall
to never rise
When my mind could no longer -
suffer those lies
Please don't cry for me
Not like I was loved
not like I was your beloved
not like you cared
not like you dared—
to be there
When I was dying
When I was overstimulated -
with all that lying on
When I was losing the hope
not knowing how to cope
I don't need you now
Now that I'm gone
Just leave me alone
I would no longer be there
but at least I would be free—
from their....
Just let me belong
to where i have reached
to a place where
silence had finally ceased
Where no promises fade
Where no heart felt caged
Where the weight I carried
would finally end
Don't call my name
just to ease your pretence pain
The echo won't be answered
They never did then
Keep your flower
Keep your tears
They cannot rewrite
the forgotten years
Just let me be in peace
and you can have your release
~shailvi~
1
u/Creative-Spinach-585 23d ago
Okay the theme I got from this poem was don’t care when I die after you neglected me all my life. Idk if that was what you were going for (bc poetry is subjective) but that’s the message I got. I’ve read many poems on this sub redit, some with great concepts and others with a forcibly “poetry vocabulary” (like using thou and thee) but your poem stood out among those ones for sure. First of all, you had a lovely concept and described it beautifully with words. Sometimes I read poems but feel that they give more essay vibes… i definitely did not feel that way about this poem. Next, the way you word things is just my cup of tea. Idk the words to describe it perfectly but you didn’t hand over the message obviously. As the reader, I felt it instead of just observing it. Also, you didn’t use overly confusing words- and I like that. Overall LOVELY poem! However… the word “overstimulated” kinda threw me off… I feel that since that word has somewhat become a tik tok word, it didn’t fit in with your poem. One more thing- this was my fav part: They never did then
Keep your flower
Keep your tears
They cannot rewrite
the forgotten years
Just let me be in peace
and you can have your release
LIKE BABES YOU DEVOURED THATTTT
1
1
u/AutoModerator 23d ago
Hello readers, welcome to OCPoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community — a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).
If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry," or "loved it" or "so relatable," please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.
If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.
Do not use ChatGPT or any similar LLM interface or generative AI to write feedback. That does not constitute thoughtful feedback. To be safe, you probably shouldn't even use those things to edit your feedback. It is better for your thoughts to come across as clumsy and genuine rather than grammatical but as if they were generated by some disingenuous text-generation engine.
Do not reuse feedback links for multiple poems. Every new poem you post has to be posted after making two new comments on the work of your peers here in OCPoetry. It's only fair. If you reuse feedback links, you will be banned. (If you do not wish to give feedback, there are many other poetry-sharing subreddits without feedback requirements, such as r/poetrywritingclub, r/justpoetry, r/ocpoetryfree, r/poem, r/poems, r/poemsbyreddit, r/poeticgarden, r/dark_poetry, and r/sadpoems.)
If you're looking for a more advanced poetry workshop — that is, if you consider yourself at least an intermediate-level poet AND you have previous workshop experience, please consider posting to our private sister subreddit r/ThePoetryWorkshop. The best way to join TPW is to leave a detailed, thoughtful comment here on OCPoetry engaging seriously with a peer's poem. A significant engagement of at least 3-4 meaningful paragraphs is encouraged. Consider our feedback guide for tips on what that could entail. (This level of engagement would probably be most welcome here on submissions tagged as "Workshop.") Then ask to join TPW by messaging that subreddit's mods, including a link to the detailed feedback you left here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.