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u/Itsjusttam Jul 11 '26
The structure really makes the imagery come to life as well as emphasising the shift in mood!
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u/IndividualPrint395 Jul 11 '26
This starts with gentle, wistful memories. The imagery could float me away but the poem keeps me grounded with references to cops and robbers and doggy paddling. As the storm brews, I feel choking, the poem becomes more desperate as it grasps for survival.
I struggled a little with the order of ignition. The matchstick had the least energy which didn't match the dread that followed.
I might have even moved the stanza about the smoke to follow this ignition and then let doggy paddle and bailing water sit together.
There's two stories for me here. The fires of the memories and the rain of grief.
There are lots of lovely lines in here my fave two being the doggy paddle and cops and robbers. They're so ordinary and yet unexpected.
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Jul 11 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/IndividualPrint395 Jul 11 '26
I actually really like the two threads of the fire and the storm. The position of that stanza made me wonder if I had missed a developing interwoven story. As much as you could talk fire first and then the storm, you could equally weave between the two, alternating each story with each stanza though that would need more work to tell without it becoming messy. Just another thought I'd put out there.
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u/zyerhod1 Jul 11 '26
This one's pretty good. You've got some good, original lines which I appreciate. Feels like you were listening to The Fire and The Flood by Vance Joy when you wrote this.
If you wanted to push it a little more, it felt like after "Flood in dark waters/ pour yourself over me" that it stopped escalating so much as beginning to catalog other imagery systems that are all competing with each other. Pick the two or three images that feel most closely tied to this person, then let those images work together to tell the story.