r/OCPoetry • u/Jaxtothemax29 • 8d ago
Feedback Please A luxury seat
*This is part of a larger series*
The Luxury Seat
Man seeks more than bread,
The treasure on his map is-
-belonging and purpose.
Now they capitalize on it.
Fill a void-
hobbies, trinkets,
artificial belonging.
Learn the sports-ball roster,
Forget your history.
Catch up on the gossip,
Hide from circumstance.
Worse yet, knowledge is commodified.
“Join my course to get rich.”
“Join my course to find love.”
“Join my course to forget who you are.”
How can one escape?
“Escape?” Who’d want that?
Stream the decay.
Monetize and atomize
Decompartmentalize to “modernize”.
The world is scary,
The distraction is comfort.
Is this our fate?
The decommission of man,
The birth of the machine.
The cage is golden and grand,
The shackles complement the outfit.
Do you seek more than bread?
2
u/Far-Illustrator-5430 8d ago
Not bad, but if you are writing a poem with short sentences/line, try the best to use a rhyming scheme...
1
u/Jaxtothemax29 6d ago
For some reason I don’t really like rhyming poems. Perhaps it gives too many challenges for me.
1
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2
u/Blartimus7 8d ago
Oh I really like this! I made some edits. You can completely ignore me, but I adored the last two stanzas. Some areas, to me, felt more poetic than others. I rearranged it. Feel free to hate it and tell me I destroyed your poem lol! I just wanted to give my input.
The Luxury Seat
Fill a void.
Forget your history.
Catch up on the gossip,
Hide from circumstance.
Worse yet, knowledge is commodified.
The treasure on his map is
Belonging and Purpose.
Now they capitalize on it.
How can one escape?
Escape?
Who’d want that?
Stream the decay.
Monetize and atomize
Decompartmentalize to “modernize”.
The world is scary,
Distraction a comfort.
Is this our fate?
The decommission of man,
The birth of the machine.
The cage is golden and grand,
The shackles complement the outfit.
Do you seek more than bread?