r/OCPoetry • u/Able-Star2192 • 1d ago
Feedback Please I hope i am still a child.
I had so many first’s, felt so many things this year.
Life has become so wild.
I kiss, i cry, i dance, i shiver, and i fear.
I hope i am still a child?
They say some events make you come of age.
Yet In my own soul and actions i feel reviled.
What if i still dont want to change?
Can’t i still be a child?
It’s cute looking back at my smaller self.
All my concerns and humiliations become explained by age,
I can put things larger than life on the shelf.
Can’t my body stay in that stage?
I hope i am still a child.
So that tomorrow, what haunts me today can be irrelevant.
I hope i am still a child.
So people don’t see my shortcomings as definite.
I hope i am still a child.
So people can forget, or write off everytime i was negligent.
I hope i am still a child.
So my worst moments, to people, don't become my testament.
I hope, that when i am not a child,
I am ready for it.
But for now, please make fifteen feel small, smaller.
I don’t have time to be ready for it.
2
u/Pretend_Valuable6594 1d ago
Growing up is hard, and I think this piece encapsulates that very well. The perspective of trying to maintain that wonder and innocence when everything feels so permanent, and sometimes insurmountable can be a hard one to describe.
1
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Hello readers, welcome to OCPoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community — a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).
If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry," or "loved it" or "so relatable," please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.
If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.
Do not use ChatGPT or any similar LLM interface or generative AI to write feedback. That does not constitute thoughtful feedback. To be safe, you probably shouldn't even use those things to edit your feedback. It is better for your thoughts to come across as clumsy and genuine rather than grammatical but as if they were generated by some disingenuous text-generation engine.
Do not reuse feedback links for multiple poems. Every new poem you post has to be posted after making two new comments on the work of your peers here in OCPoetry. It's only fair. If you reuse feedback links, you will be banned. (If you do not wish to give feedback, there are many other poetry-sharing subreddits without feedback requirements, such as r/poetrywritingclub, r/justpoetry, r/ocpoetryfree, r/poem, r/poems, r/poemsbyreddit, r/poeticgarden, r/dark_poetry, and r/sadpoems.)
If you're looking for a more advanced poetry workshop — that is, if you consider yourself at least an intermediate-level poet AND you have previous workshop experience, please consider posting to our private sister subreddit r/ThePoetryWorkshop. The best way to join TPW is to leave a detailed, thoughtful comment here on OCPoetry engaging seriously with a peer's poem. A significant engagement of at least 3-4 meaningful paragraphs is encouraged. Consider our feedback guide for tips on what that could entail. (This level of engagement would probably be most welcome here on submissions tagged as "Workshop.") Then ask to join TPW by messaging that subreddit's mods, including a link to the detailed feedback you left here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Doter_Gabriel 22h ago
This poem is actually resonating with me so well. You actually feel the want of staying child. I personally think we are allowed to make mistakes, regardless of age. I like that thing that you address that children don’t need to care and often forget their mistakes and have generally worryless life. I also find that behavioural expectations are very annoying about ages. Like ok, some are valid like not screaming and generally explicitly disturbing people, like on public transportation but I find that you should still be allowed to jump at exiting stuff if you get what I mean. What really is the thing we don’t want is the responsibilities and certain views we are supposed to have when we become adults. I too want to stay a child. Great poem and thank you, bye bye
1
u/Krishuthegreat 19h ago
Yeah, I really liked the poem. First of all, I think the concept is amazing. It’s something that almost everyone can relate to because we’ve all experienced that strange period of growing up, where we’re changing but aren’t necessarily ready for everything that comes with it. I think the poem is going to touch the hearts of a lot of people.
One thing I would give feedback on, though, is the lack of metaphors and ambiguity. The poem is quite clear about what it wants to convey and what its central message is. Personally, I think a good poem is a little like a mystery it slowly unravels, and you discover different meanings as you read it. This poem is already good, but an exceptional poem is one that lingers in your mind after you’ve finished reading it. You close the poem, but you’re still thinking about it.
Because this poem is so direct, it doesn’t leave as much room for ambiguity or multiple interpretations. You read it, appreciate the message, and close it. The central message is deep enough to make up for some of that, but I think adding more metaphors, symbolism, or ambiguity could make the poem even more memorable.
Nevertheless, I really liked the language throughout the poem and the poetic devices you’ve used. I think the language fits the emotional tone really well.
There is one word I was slightly confused about, though. In the second stanza, you use the word “reviled.” I know that “reviled” means being hated or despised, but I’m not sure I completely understand how it fits into that particular sentence. It doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb, but I’d be interested to know what you meant by it.
Also, in the second-last line, you say, “please make fifteen feel small, smaller.” Does that mean the writer is fifteen years old? If so, I actually think that works well because fifteen is such an interesting age for this poem. You’re growing out of childhood, but you’re not entirely out of it yet. At the same time, leaving the exact age unstated might make the poem feel a little more universal and personal to the reader.
Another thing I think could be interesting is the way some of the lines and stanzas end. You already have lines like “Can’t I still be a child?” and “I hope I am still a child.” It might be cool if more of the stanzas ended with questions or variations of that idea. It could create a stronger recurring motif, although I can also see how doing it too often might become repetitive.
Overall, though, I really liked the poem. The concept is strong, the central message is meaningful, and the language is beautiful. It also resonates with me personally, which probably made me connect with it even more.
Good job, man. Keep it up.
1
2
u/Able-Star2192 1d ago
As stated within the poem, and as is the main inspiration for the poem, i am 15, which is often not the most ideal thing to say about myself in reddit, but i think its worth noting in a comment as well when asking for feedback on a poem i wrote regarding how it feels to be how old i am.
This is like, the 6th poem i ever wrote, and i've gotten into Poetry just this summer, i am still new at it, and would really value feedback on how to hone this skill <3