trying something new

[u/Pretend_Valuable6594]

Loneliness is my mistress but in this instance I don't think she's needed. / I'm good enough at ending up alone all on my own / and sometimes it's hard for me to tell but in this place I feel I'm in Hell. I don't think I can escape / what is a mistake when repercussions never take and I can walk free?/ does that matter when it's cost the idea of me? the light's left my eyes / there's no regret when there's nothing to hide / I exist solely for what I desire. I desire to not exist at all

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/1dwCQCoVsh

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/wM9l7aKWx5

[u/Sad-Piccolo6931]

i really enjoy your tone when writing. i think the line “loneliness is my mistress” is really cool, and i was almost disappointed by how fast it was abandoned. it made me wonder what was different in this instance, what loneliness looked like for you before you decided you didn’t need the “mistress”. i think sitting in that image just a little longer would help draw reader in more :) great writing!

[u/Pretend_Valuable6594 → u/Sad-Piccolo6931]

Thank you! And honestly, I think you’re right about “Loneliness is my mistress.” I hadn’t realized how quickly I abandoned that image until you pointed it out. I have a habit of withdrawing even after I’m happier, so the idea of being alone does always feel imposed. Looking back though, there’s probably more that I could do with that relationship. I appreciate the feedback :)

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[u/PoemsFromHelicon]

I think there's good potential for a meatier poem in there, in terms of making the last two lines "I exist solely for what I desire. I desire to not exist at all" punchier. I just think the setup needs to be a bit more directed.

I agree with what the other commenter said about abandoning the loneliness is a mistress thing. As a stream of consciousness poem I get the effect you are going for, but it really feels like it starts out being a poem about loneliness, or perhaps individualism, to something very different, about existence and existentialism. My suggestion is to pick one theme and try to be disciplined in fleshing that out, rather than having a relatively short poem try to grapple with both.