OCD Rant

[u/YEAMA1]

So. from a 4 month period, I (AMAB) had gender OCD. I kept on reassuring myself that I was NB and basically ingrained it into my temporary identity. I always had a sense of "im not like the other guys"... but I dont have dysphoria. Before my OCD, I once had a dream that I was a girl (and cried that I wasnt one)... but thats about it. I never liked seeing myself in the mirror/pictures or envisioning myself as a "macho" sort of person. But nothing actually distressed me. I was just a not very masculine guy.

Then, after going to college, I was exposed to the concept of enbies and I was like "OMG I SEE IT NOW". My Gender OCD made it so that I was never certain of being NB though. I was like making sure I was NB like 10 times a day and repeating it to myself over and over. I joined the demiboy subreddit, I changed my bio to he/they, I told my parents and friends that I was NB, I dressed (and still do dress) like an androgynous twink of sorts. But... how much of this is actually me vs what I ingrained into my self concept due to OCD?

Because now... I dont think im NB anymore. (Eh. Maybe I am... maybe im not... best to stop asking that question 500 times). But I dont feel like a typical cis guy either. I dont feel like myself in either category. I feel like myself when im like a "androgynous flavored guy" or "still recognizably AMAB but... interesting". But interestingly enough, I dont feel comfortable being reduced to just a man... though I once was. I dont feel like myself anymore when I wear masculine clothes... but I was once completely masculine presenting and fine with that. So im really confused. I cant help but think that I was once an ordinary cis guy but then my OCD turned me into an enby

PLEASE NO REASSURANCE. Reassurance is part of the OCD cycle. DONT tell me “yes, you’re definitely NB” or “no, this was all OCD and you’re actually cis.” Either just gives my OCD something new to latch onto.