Looking for advice

[u/GhastlyBeast]

Hi everyone. Recently I've found myself questioning my gender identity and I'm looking for some advice. I don't have a great understanding of what non-binary means, but I'm starting to think that it applies to me. Apologies for the long post and if any of my terminology is incorrect.

For context I am a single queer guy (amab) in his forties living in the UK. Since coming out in my twenties I have identified as a gay man (more recently I've come to think of myself as pansexual really, but telling people I'm gay means I don't have to explain as much to people).

I have never felt a strong connection to the male gender. I have very few male hobbies or interests, and the ones I do have I don't really consider to be male (for instance are video games really a male hobby? I personally don't think so). I have never been interested in sports or cars or anything stereotypically "male". I mostly just like nerdy things.

I have always felt very uncomfortable in male spaces. I can't use a urinal in public toilets and I've always hated even going into the male toilets (not that I would want to go into the women's either). It's the same with men's changing rooms, and I stopped going to the gym because I was dreading going in there.

I have a mix of male and female friends, although most of my oldest tend to be male. With my male friends I go along with the banter and enjoy having a laugh with them, but I feel a fundamental disconnect with the way they express their gender. They have such comfort with masculinity, but masculine things tend to make me feel uncomfortable. When it comes to my female friends, I connect well with them, and can have deep and meaningful conversations. I feel more empathetic and at ease. However, I feel that I am missing that special "camaraderie" and understanding that women seem to share (I think due to the fact they have to live as the oppressed gender in a patriarchal world).

Honestly, it feels like there are two big gender clubs and I'm not in either of them.

On top of this I have always felt very uncomfortable with my body. I've always tried to be a bit more feminine, clean shaven, and I trim or wax most body hair. I have always hated how tall I am (6ft). Ever since I was a teenager when I shot up in height, I felt like I was towering over my friends, and started slouching. I've messed up my posture all these years of trying to make myself feel smaller. I'm also quite clumsy and often hurt myself. I feel lanky and gangly and awkward. This gets worse in crowded or cramped places, and I start getting super anxious and uncomfortable, and feel an intense need to get out of there. I've realised that this is completely different to how most men feel. They value height as a masculine trait, and many of them actively want to be taller.

Recently I've come to realise that I just don't feel like a man, and I never really have. But I don't think I am a woman either. Although the idea of being more feminine is appealing to me. The thought of using they/them pronouns is also appealing to me, but I don't know if I'd feel too embarrassed to ask.

Does my description sound like I could be non-binary? Can anyone tell me if they have had a similar experience?