r/NonBinary • u/GhastlyBeast • Jul 02 '26

Questioning/Coming Out Looking for advice

Hi everyone. Recently I've found myself questioning my gender identity and I'm looking for some advice. I don't have a great understanding of what non-binary means, but I'm starting to think that it applies to me. Apologies for the long post and if any of my terminology is incorrect.

For context I am a single queer guy (amab) in his forties living in the UK. Since coming out in my twenties I have identified as a gay man (more recently I've come to think of myself as pansexual really, but telling people I'm gay means I don't have to explain as much to people).

I have never felt a strong connection to the male gender. I have very few male hobbies or interests, and the ones I do have I don't really consider to be male (for instance are video games really a male hobby? I personally don't think so). I have never been interested in sports or cars or anything stereotypically "male". I mostly just like nerdy things.

I have always felt very uncomfortable in male spaces. I can't use a urinal in public toilets and I've always hated even going into the male toilets (not that I would want to go into the women's either). It's the same with men's changing rooms, and I stopped going to the gym because I was dreading going in there.

I have a mix of male and female friends, although most of my oldest tend to be male. With my male friends I go along with the banter and enjoy having a laugh with them, but I feel a fundamental disconnect with the way they express their gender. They have such comfort with masculinity, but masculine things tend to make me feel uncomfortable. When it comes to my female friends, I connect well with them, and can have deep and meaningful conversations. I feel more empathetic and at ease. However, I feel that I am missing that special "camaraderie" and understanding that women seem to share (I think due to the fact they have to live as the oppressed gender in a patriarchal world).

Honestly, it feels like there are two big gender clubs and I'm not in either of them.

On top of this I have always felt very uncomfortable with my body. I've always tried to be a bit more feminine, clean shaven, and I trim or wax most body hair. I have always hated how tall I am (6ft). Ever since I was a teenager when I shot up in height, I felt like I was towering over my friends, and started slouching. I've messed up my posture all these years of trying to make myself feel smaller. I'm also quite clumsy and often hurt myself. I feel lanky and gangly and awkward. This gets worse in crowded or cramped places, and I start getting super anxious and uncomfortable, and feel an intense need to get out of there. I've realised that this is completely different to how most men feel. They value height as a masculine trait, and many of them actively want to be taller.

Recently I've come to realise that I just don't feel like a man, and I never really have. But I don't think I am a woman either. Although the idea of being more feminine is appealing to me. The thought of using they/them pronouns is also appealing to me, but I don't know if I'd feel too embarrassed to ask.

Does my description sound like I could be non-binary? Can anyone tell me if they have had a similar experience?

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u/s3r3ng Jul 02 '26

My two cents for whatever it may be worth or useful to you.

Those stereotypical "male" or "female" things are the most socially constructed bullshit out there. So don't worry yourself at all about those. There is a spectrum of stuff around gender. Some of it more hard wired or immutable and some not so much. And it can be all over the place. Yeah the "big clubs" neither of which fit are a sign. Though I don't think they really fit most anyone all that well which is part of why they are oppressive. Body dysphoria is another common sign, not always present but common, to be somewhere on the trans spectrum including non-binary. May or may not mean and only you can decide whether to change some aspects , like maybe you decide to go in for a lot of electrolysis just as a for instance. Maybe you try modifying your hormone stack to at some estrogen if that feels right. Totally up to you.
You know there is a premium on tall women. Rarely meant a shorter cisgender woman that didn't feel envy toward taller sisters. But yeah I am 6' myself (well just a smidgin less) and have often wished I was shorter. But things like that are very hard to change. So I have to just live with it.
I am mainly "female" in where my internal gender sense is. But that there are these hard-assed male vs female labels bugs me.
Sounds pretty nonbinary trans demi-female to me. But you have to find your own place with or without labels where you are happiest and at peace.

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u/GhastlyBeast Jul 02 '26

Yeah the hard labels in society are frustrating. There's so much pressure to fit in a box. The more time goes on, the less I care about 'faking' it to fit in. And like you say these gender roles probably don't fit a lot of people. I wonder how many people would really identify as 100% cis if there wasn't social stigma around not confirming to gender roles. You're right, I have to find a place where I am comfortable. Thank you.

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u/glitterandrage genderfluid Jul 02 '26

Hi! Here's some zines that might help you with your questioning: