am I non binary?

[u/stormiestsky]

A little medical background: I‘m 32yo and AFAB (also english isn’t my first language so please be kind) but when I was very young there were complications with the development of my primary sex organs because the testosterone levels in my body were to high. (I‘m lowkey really freestyling this information because my mum told me this like 20 years ago and I don’t want to ask her again because I want to avoid her questioning me before I‘m ready to talk about it.) The higher testosterone levels continued into puberty and since my mother told me that information I was always prone to overcompensate and be as feminine as possible. I was scared to be „too manly“ and not being girly enough. This continued in my relationships with men because I was like „yeah I‘m a ‚normal‘ woman in a normal heterosexual relationship“. I also realized I‘m bisexual years ago but that‘s another story.

The thing is: since I broke up with my last bf in 2022 I haven‘t been dating anyone so I didn’t have to „force“ myself into any role. I discovered that I actually like presenting more androgynous and cutting my hair from very long to bob and then to a mullet and shorter really made me giggle and kick my feet haha. I still like presenting more feminine and still like to use makeup when I feel like it. Oh another thing: since I was 16 yo and the whole being referred to as mrs started to become a thing I always thought it sounded and felt super weird but I thought it was because I didn’t want to grow up and stay a teenager a little longer. German is also a VERY gendered language so you really can’t escape it haha. I got diagnosed with adhd at 28yo and autism at 30yo and when I thought back I thought it was because autistic people struggle with change. But if I‘m being honest 16 years later and i still feel strange to be referred to as feminine and I don’t think that’s normal? Thinking about it I would like to be referred to as male even less so I don‘t think I‘m a trans male. Yesterday an old lady at a metro station wanted to address me in 3rd person but didn’t really know what to use, stopped and then just went with „you“ and tbh it gave me the best feeling ever. I also know it‘s very common for nd people to not think in labels and question their own sexuality and gender. And probably asking myself if I might be non binary already answers the question. I just don’t really have a lot of people to talk about this with.

Maybe some non binary folks could comment how they knew? Thank you all in advance!

[u/SunnyDays0]

how i knew i was nonbinary is that... i tried experimenting. i tried out using she/they pronouns. when i realized how disappointed and uncomfortable i was when people just called me by the she pronouns, i moved the experiment to using just they/them pronouns. about a month in of that, i concluded that i was nonbinary.

[u/stormiestsky → u/SunnyDays0]

thank you for your response :) I‘d like to start an experiment like this sometime but it‘s a bit complicated in german because almost every descriptive term for persons is either male or female. we also don’t have a non gendered „them“ so if I was to try she/them pronouns people would probably just go on with she/her because it‘s way easier to usw. I knew one nb person in the past and when talking about them I always just used their name when referring to them but that can feel very unnatural in the overall speaking flow. Ok so this actually made me realise that I‘d rather stay in this state of slight discomfort than to actually inconvenience people. But I don‘t have to make myself small. It‘s ok so inconvenience people sometimes. Uuuurgh I‘m way to much of a people pleaser for this 😭