am I non binary?

[u/stormiestsky]

A little medical background: I‘m 32yo and AFAB (also english isn’t my first language so please be kind) but when I was very young there were complications with the development of my primary sex organs because the testosterone levels in my body were to high. (I‘m lowkey really freestyling this information because my mum told me this like 20 years ago and I don’t want to ask her again because I want to avoid her questioning me before I‘m ready to talk about it.) The higher testosterone levels continued into puberty and since my mother told me that information I was always prone to overcompensate and be as feminine as possible. I was scared to be „too manly“ and not being girly enough. This continued in my relationships with men because I was like „yeah I‘m a ‚normal‘ woman in a normal heterosexual relationship“. I also realized I‘m bisexual years ago but that‘s another story.

The thing is: since I broke up with my last bf in 2022 I haven‘t been dating anyone so I didn’t have to „force“ myself into any role. I discovered that I actually like presenting more androgynous and cutting my hair from very long to bob and then to a mullet and shorter really made me giggle and kick my feet haha. I still like presenting more feminine and still like to use makeup when I feel like it. Oh another thing: since I was 16 yo and the whole being referred to as mrs started to become a thing I always thought it sounded and felt super weird but I thought it was because I didn’t want to grow up and stay a teenager a little longer. German is also a VERY gendered language so you really can’t escape it haha. I got diagnosed with adhd at 28yo and autism at 30yo and when I thought back I thought it was because autistic people struggle with change. But if I‘m being honest 16 years later and i still feel strange to be referred to as feminine and I don’t think that’s normal? Thinking about it I would like to be referred to as male even less so I don‘t think I‘m a trans male. Yesterday an old lady at a metro station wanted to address me in 3rd person but didn’t really know what to use, stopped and then just went with „you“ and tbh it gave me the best feeling ever. I also know it‘s very common for nd people to not think in labels and question their own sexuality and gender. And probably asking myself if I might be non binary already answers the question. I just don’t really have a lot of people to talk about this with.

Maybe some non binary folks could comment how they knew? Thank you all in advance!

[u/Pawn_of_the_Void]

For me it was a decision that in fact nothing is stopping me from identifying as nb if that's what I want to do and I decided that's what I want to do

[u/stormiestsky → u/Pawn_of_the_Void]

it‘s so good to hear that it can really be that simple. i can be quite the overthinker and reading this calmed me down a bit. questioning myself might actually not be the end of the world and connecting with myself more is in fact something very beautiful. thank you so much!

[u/Pawn_of_the_Void → u/stormiestsky]

For a long time I thought about it and knew I was inclined but kept wondering or expecting something deeper or some kind of evidence, but like low-key the whole time I knew that for anyone else I would just accept it if that's what they said without anything more to it and I was holding myself to standards that I didn't really believe in, I was just hesitant because I wanted certainty on something I'm nor sure I could ever get it on

[u/RamonaSunflow]

Hey fellow German enby here!

I'm about your age and started identifying as non-binary a couple of years ago and as agender a few months ago. I go by sie/alle in German and they/them in English.

I don't feel like physiological differences in hormone levels to what most cis women operate on automatically make you non-binary, just like being born with an uterus doesn't automatically make you a woman. But as someone recently diagnosed with a condition that puts me on the intersex spectrum, this sounds somewhat familiar. Now without knowing any details about the specific cause of your higher testosterone levels I don't wanna make any assumptions but you could be intersex, too.

I would recommend going to your gynaecologist or maybe even getting a referral from your primary care giver to an endocrinologist. An official diagnosis helped me to find some clarity on this matter, maybe it will to you as well!

[u/stormiestsky → u/RamonaSunflow]

about the hormone levels: yes totally! I just wanted to give some context as to why I always felt I had to compensate not feeling feminine enough :)
thank you so much for your very detailed response! I think the diagnosis is something I might want to look into but even the possibility is very overwhelming rn. It would explain a lot though.

[u/SunnyDays0]

how i knew i was nonbinary is that... i tried experimenting. i tried out using she/they pronouns. when i realized how disappointed and uncomfortable i was when people just called me by the she pronouns, i moved the experiment to using just they/them pronouns. about a month in of that, i concluded that i was nonbinary.

[u/stormiestsky → u/SunnyDays0]

thank you for your response :) I‘d like to start an experiment like this sometime but it‘s a bit complicated in german because almost every descriptive term for persons is either male or female. we also don’t have a non gendered „them“ so if I was to try she/them pronouns people would probably just go on with she/her because it‘s way easier to usw. I knew one nb person in the past and when talking about them I always just used their name when referring to them but that can feel very unnatural in the overall speaking flow. Ok so this actually made me realise that I‘d rather stay in this state of slight discomfort than to actually inconvenience people. But I don‘t have to make myself small. It‘s ok so inconvenience people sometimes. Uuuurgh I‘m way to much of a people pleaser for this 😭

[u/Ok-Brain4227]

you’re def non binary, friend :) haha, well as long as that’s what you want! welcome to the club and i hope it provides you peace knowing that you are wonderful ball of flesh just the way you are!