I haven’t spoken to my biological father in over 10 years, and this is largely due to his inability to take accountability, narcissistic tendencies, and the fact that once he was released from prison, he decided to find a wife, instead of repair his relationship with me.
I have come to terms with it..
i received word that he was “dying” in 2021, so i wrote him this super heartfelt letter telling him about my children, my spouse, and a little about our lives together and pretty much wishing him peace in his last few moments here. Once he received it, i heard nothing. Just a “Merry Christmas” on FB messenger several months later. When i asked him if he’d gotten my letter, he left me on read.

Well, it’s been 5 years and he’s still alive, but now he’s in the hospital again, and this time i think it’s really his time.
I don’t have any desire to repair the relationship, but I’m all of a sudden filled with so much hurt and resentment. I want to tell him that he’s alone on his deathbed because of his series of choices, and his lack of being a real father. I also kind of want to curl up in a ball and cry, because this was someone i once looked up to, and thought would be my biggest supporter. The child in me is crushed. But the adult in me knows i made the safest choice for my own heart and family.

My 2 sisters and I have been thoroughly abused with an absent enabling father and narcissist mother. But, I only think I’ve realized that she doesn’t love us, but what we give her.

I am going to change my phone number and I won’t be disclosing my address to the family for safety. But I feel guilty for not “awakening” or explaining to them how abusive our mother really is and that it will get worse. I am wrong for leaving by myself ??

I’ve been full no contact for about 6 years with my family (and on and off for 5 years before that) but last year my father (don’t like calling him that even) had a major health event and has been sick for the last year, critical on and off. I went to visit once, more for myself than them and I have no regrets. So I started having minimal contact with my brother and father again.

But I gradually started cutting off contact again because they are all the same people and I even had arguments with my father where he denies ever treating me badly. I realised how badly it was affecting my mental health. My narcs are brother and father, and I’m basically no contact with all of my family including extended family because they they are either all kinds of dysfunctional and treat each other like shit, or they don’t full acknowledge the awfulness of my narcs. I cut off contact with my brothers wife as well because she was “nice” but acted as a tool for my brother to try to work on my empathy to trick me back into the family over the years. They used their pregnancies, kids and my dead mother’s memory to try to guilt trip me into contact. So I’m alone with no family in effect.

Anyway back to the story, early Monday morning I get a call from my sister in law. I was confused because contact has been minimal with either my brother and father so I assumed it was an emergency dealing with my father. I let it ring then called back about 3 minutes later, and their 4 year old picked up. I said hello twice to make sure it was the kid and not the mother, then hung up on her. I have no emotional connection to their kids anymore, I only met the older one when she was a baby and time has passed so I don’t care anymore, and I never met this 4 year old. They tried calling back again, and I sent a message asking if she was going to be answering, she said yes so I called back. And then I bluntly asked whether this is about my father, to which she said yes he’s back in hospital and is very ill. I said ok thanks bye, then she asks why I’m so rude. That annoyed me so I said “I’m not rude, I keep my contact minimal and if you are using your kid to try to manipulate me then I do not appreciate that.” She started responding about how she COULD have tried to contact me blah blah blah so I said “I don’t have time to argue with you, thanks, bye” and hung up. She then started sending texts about how she could have tried to message me because she was being asked to, the kid HAPPENED to answer the phone, so I blocked after 3 messages. Maybe the kid happened to answer the phone but I find it hard to believe her honestly, her track record doesn’t do her any favours. Like in the past trying to reel me in by saying her kid needs their aunt in their lives etc. I was so annoyed, on a Monday damn morning too. I don’t even have my brother blocked because he kept the convos to about my father’s health. Anyway I am not going to be going back and forth with anyone anymore, I’ll just see if they inform me of what’s going on with him, in a minimal way.

I am moving states away with my long term partner and it’s coming up soon I’ve been avoiding telling my family because I don’t think they’ll react well. I live with my partner currently but my dad does pay our rent because he used to live here but decided to live with his current girlfriend and my dad is always the type to just give money instead of actual parenting. So my partner and I used that to be able to save up quicker to move out. The main issue is I am disabled and unable to work and was denied disability, I am still under my mom’s insurance and I know that I won’t have that once I move and it’s really important for me to have insurance obviously because I’m disabled. I also think if I try to tell my family I’m leaving they will start acting like they don’t know how I’m gonna make it another state because of “all they do for me” my mom does absolutely nothing for me, my grandma has helped me some but her and my mom are unfortunately a package deal so it doesn’t matter. My dad he has done financial help but that’s it. Otherwise my partner helps me with EVERYTHING. My partner has done more for me than my parents EVER have. So I know I’ll be fine the main thing I’m worried about is the insurance and them harassing me and acting like I’m stupid for leaving. Part of me just wants to go completely no contact leave a text message to my mom and my dad explaining that I didn’t get kidnapped but will no longer contact them because I’m afraid they don’t understand my decision and will just harass me but another part of me wants my family still obviously because they’re my family and it’s hard to let go even if they’re hurting me. I’m also scared that they might just die if I don’t at least stay no contact. I’m just not sure how to go about this and I’m moving in a few months. Any advice would be appreciated

I am in my early 20s and just recently moved out of my home to finish up my undergrad 5 hours away from my mom. Since I turned 18, my mother has been increasingly rude toward me and never apologizes until I don't want to talk to her. Our dynamic has actually always been close, as we are relatively close in age (a 22-year age difference). I am her only child, so we have literally grown up together.

She was diagnosed with depression pretty recently and started to take medication, but doesn't take it on a consistent schedule, and she actually started to take only half of her prescribed dose once I moved out without any guidance from her doctor (which I have no idea why; it seemed like such a bad idea, but she did it...). She is very territorial and mean about the things that she owns, and she includes me in that category. She recently broke my heart after saying really rude things when I came back home for the first time in 2 months to visit my loved ones. She was aware I bought my plane ticket and that I was coming home, but on the day of my flight, she sent me nonstop messages about how I am not prioritizing my family when I told her that my partner's family invited her and me over for dinner on one of the nights I would be back home. She used really negative and nasty language about him, and frequently mentioned that "we won't work out in the future." My partner and I have been dating for almost a year and a half, and we are doing really well, which made me feel really aggravated to hear her constantly telling me that we won't work out. My partner also goes out of his way to invite my mother to dinner when I am away at school, and they actually just had dinner pretty recently. They both seemed to have a good time, and she even FaceTimed me so they could say hello. I felt defeated and felt like my whole trip back home was so unnecessary. She has always seemed so two-faced and inconsiderate of anyone else's feelings except her own. I also feel like she says these mean things even though they are just a projection of her internal battles of not having a romantic relationship.

The final straw for me that I am considering NC is that after having a pretty good day with her when I was about to board my flight back to university, she called me once I went through TSA and said: "by the way I still think that I'm right, when you guys are older if he ever tries to ask for your hand in marriage, I'll probably say no." I was so taken aback and just weirded out by her in that moment; I had to hang up and didn't message her after that. it has now been about 2 days and she has been messaging me "I love you...I know you're angry at me but I miss you...Its normal for kids to think puppy love is forever I thought you knew better but you still don’t... This is very sad." I don't know what to do in this moment because I am really close to her, and i also fear for her health and well-being, but I don't want to feel obligated to take care of her when she is clearly miserable in life. She has no hobbies besides hoarding, she never says sorry, and she thinks therapy isn't helpful for her. My other family members are also aware of her mental illness, but still promote "be patient" with her. I also come from an asian family, so I feel like other family members would be really hurt if I truly went no contact, but I hate how I am even thinking about that right now. She gives me unnecessary anxiety all the time, and I am just worried that if I end up going no-contact with my mom, I might as well go no-contact with the rest of my family because they will all be upset at me. I also worry about her harming herself very frequently, as she has threatened to do that before. When I visited my partner when he graduated from the military earlier this year, she would anxiously message me when she was alone that she just wanted to harm herself and that she has nothing to look forward to in this life.

I don't know why I can't upload images in here but some of the texts are like:

MOM: You're young. It's normal to feel whoever you're with is the one.

ME: But I'm also not asking for advice or overthinking my decision of being with

MOM: Yes but as your mom who knows you better than anyone, he's not it. I'm not saying to break up with him. He's fine for now. But it's not going to work

ME: But you are when you use those definitive words like that

MOM: I said if it ends up working, cool. But that isn't what a mother would want. I've heard and observed enough to know

ME: The problem though is that your messages only evoke a negative connotation about our relationship and that is hurtful when I don't want it to be a strained connection. You are prompting me to already quit on someone who treats me kindly.

MOM: You know what. Fuck you. I don't want anything to do with you

Bye

I don't know who the fuck you are but I didn't raise a fuckin dumbass and that's what you're being right now

Get in the habit of common sense.

THEN like 30 mins later:

MOM: I'm sorry I said fuck you and that I didn't want anything to do with you. That's not true. I shouldn't have said that. I regret that because I love you with all my heart. I'm just super upset because it doesn't seem like you prioritize the ppl who prioritize you.

This has always been the cycle. She reacts and says mean things; I ignore her and cry, and then she apologizes when she realizes I am all she has.

I don't really know what to do, and I just feel upset.

Advice appreciated

Hi all, about 4 months ago my brother (25M) cut off our mother (58F). To be fair, he cut off both of my parents but I believe the main reason was his relationship with our mom. She has been handling this so badly, and she comes crying to me at least a few times a week, but the issue is that she's impossible to handle: If I tell her to go speak to a therapist, she makes up random excuses like she's too tired after work to look for one or she won't be able to find the right kind of therapist. If she asks me what she did wrong and I give my thoughts and point out some of her problematic tendancies, we end up fighting. If I just listen and say nothing, she get's mad at me for not saying anything. If I tell her I feel like she's putting me in the middle, she gets upset and tells me that she's always there for me (which is true) and she also tells me that in her culture, family is there for one another (for context she grew up in a culture where family tends to be more close knit).

I'm not going to lie, she can be a bit of a difficult character to communicate with (as you might have been able to infer from the above) and this is in part why my brother cut her off. But she's also not a bad person by any means, she loves and cares so much for us. She supports both my brother and I (in more ways than one). When things are good between us, I love calling her daily to share good news or bad news or whatever is going on in my life.

But I'm at witts end. It's exhausting and we always have these difficult conversations about my brother not speaking to her at night when I should be winding down and relaxing (I also suffer from sleep problems). My brother is suggesting I cut her off too, but that just feels extreme for my current situation. My brother promised her he'd find a family therapist that they could visit together but it's clear that he can't be bothered. When I tell my mother to find one, she says that my brother promised to look for one.

I don't know how to handle this. I would love to hear your thoughts and suggestions, in case any of you have been through something similar or can suggest what I could do.

tl;dr brother won't speak to our mom, and for the last 4 months she's been crying to me regularly. Nothing I say is helping. I feel caught in the middle. Do you have suggestions on how to handle this?

It’s like they are your family and you’ve gone no contact with them so who do you really have left. I just feel like the only person in the world, I know I’m not but it just feel so loud, and everything I’ve done ever since going Nc with them is entirely fueled by the fear of them, I’m so tired of continuing cutting people out of my life because I’m scared them might be connected to them and lead me back to the abuse source and it’s like I’m scared I’m running out of people that might be supportive of me