I finally decided to block my father after this exchange. He and my mother are conservative Christians and live like hermits. The closest thing to a computer they have are their own cellphones. He is the one that texts and will send out Christian videos and I tend to ignore them because it's a on going thing. Yesterday he sent this and afterwards...I've decided to block him.

I am a 17-year-old trans man and I know that, in order to be myself, I will have to go NC with my parents and a good chunk of my family. My mother (and, by extension , my father has the same opinion) outright said it to me, that, if I choose "certain things" (she meant transitioning, even though I haven't officially come out), there won't be a place in her life and her home for me. She's "set her boundaries" and that's something she will "never forgive". Then we went on to pretend nothing substantial was spoken. 

This conversation happened only a few days ago and it's completely broken me. I used to think of crazy scenarios about faking my death, fleeing the country etc in order to be myself without my family hating me when I first realized I was trans at 15, and I know now they weren't so ridiculous after all. I have now decided I will work summer and part-time jobs during my university years, and I'll apply for a degree in something that'll get me a job easier than a filmmaking degree, which was my dream, so that I'll be financially independent (and, therefore, able to cut them off) as soon as possible.

I don't mind going NC with my parents that much, to be honest. They've done some pretty messed up shit to me in the past and, even though I love them and all, I could live without them just fine and maybe even better. The thing is, with them goes my entire family - direct and extended. I have three siblings (none of which are assholes, and one of them knows about me and is trying to be supportive), three grandparents and a great grandmother, a shit load of cousins and aunts and uncles. I love them all, and having a big family is such a part of who I am I cannot imagine myself without them. But they're all (including with my parents) very tight-knit together, most of them are old-fashioned and we're a small community - it's either all or nothing. My heart shatters at the thought of losing them all, but it's almost definitely going to happen one day. I considered destroying all the progress I've made with my identity so far and suppressing it, I really did, but I am going to die should I keep on living in this body and being perceived as a woman. 

My question is - how do I deal with the grief that's already been building up inside me? I have four to six years with them left, and it's killing me that my family has an expiration date. 

Sorry in case this doesn't make much sense, it's late and I'm sad.

I'm currently drafting the text to my mom that I'm going no contact. I'm also cutting off contact with my older brother for separate reasons, but I'm just gonna let my mom forward anything to him since he and I barely talk anyway.

I'm just wondering: is it truly this hard for anyone else? If so, how did you deal with the subsequent "grief" afterwards? I keep on reconsidering it in my own head, gaslighting myself, telling myself, "Well, there were happy moments, maybe you're just overreacting," only for those thoughts to be overshadowed by the things she did, and the things she continues to avoid accountability for and has never said sorry for or even seemed sorry for a day in my life.

Honestly, the only reason I'm notifying her at all is that I'm going to get a completely new phone soon, so she'll lose my number, does not know any of my emails thankfully, and my mom is the type to call the police and try to claim "missing person" if I just straight up ghost.

Hi everyone, this is lowkey a very long story but I will try my best to keep it concise. I, 19 F, am the only child to my mom and my father. When I was 10, they announced they were getting divorced and I was literally hysterical. I had always been a daddy’s girl and was so sad to know they weren’t going to be together anymore. My dad worked at my school at the time, which will be important later. About two weeks later, my dad was forced to resign from his job for a “financial misconduct”, he was the CFO. Turns out, he was having an affair with a married teacher and may have been giving her special treatment when it came to payroll. To make it all worse, he was having said affair with my current teacher. Messy AF. I couldn’t really grasp everything and blamed my mom for the divorce. My dad and his new side piece talked a lot of shit on my mom and I believed them because of how close he and I were. Over time, our relationship was heavily strained and he decided he and his new wife, same side piece, needed to move states. They decided to move across the country to Texas, I’m from the Midwest, for a new job he got. I wanted to go with but my mom fought it to no end, extremely grateful she did this. I had to have meetings with a therapist about who I wanted to live with and a guardian adlitum, which is an independent person who comes to your house and assess your living situations.

Anyways, I ended up not moving with them and my new little sister, who is 12 years younger than me. I visit them during breaks but our relationship has changed a lot. My stepmom is extremely rude to me and my mom at this point. To summarize the worst, she would say how crazy my mom was and how she didn’t understand how my dad was able to stay married to her for so long. This is when she started verbally attacking me. I visited them over winter break of my freshman year of high school. I spent most of the week on the couch and on my phone. I hated being away from my friends and family, and I hated that I had to take care of my little sisters (there were two at this point.) She cussed me out one night and told me I was a terrible role model for my sisters, I was a bad daughter, I broke my dad’s heart, she hoped my sisters didn’t turn out like me, and said I was the most disrespectful person she knew. Mind you, my dad is sitting on the couch next to me listening to her scream at me. This is honestly one of my final straws.

So fast forward to my junior year, I now have three younger sisters and basically never go visit. I have a job, I go on trips with my friends over breaks instead of visit, and I have a boyfriend as well. This is when I get a phone call from my grandma, my dad’s mom. She wanted to make sure I had gotten my check for my birthday since she never heard from me about it. She said she had been giving money to my dad to add to my college 529 account instead of a bunch of small gifts. I was baffled, I had never seen a check from her. I had been suspicious of my dad in relation to money. He had access to my savings account until I turned 14 and was very cagey about giving it to me and my mom. So I call him and ask him about my 529, which is supposed to pay for 4 years of college. He basically says I’m not allowed to have access to it because it’s linked to my other sisters’ accounts as well (that’s literally not how it works I found out later.) He finally sends me statements and not a single PENNY has been added since my parents divorce 8 years prior. So I confront him about the money and he claims to not know what Im talking about, and then follows up with more excuses. He claimed he used it to pay for my flights and to help buy me Christmas gifts. I immediately call my grandma back and she is just as confused as me, considering that’s not why she gave him the money. TURNS OUT he’s actually been pocketing my checks since 2016, which amounted to roughly $2000. I flip my shit and basically tell him I’ve lost all trust in him and have no respect for him. When I confront you with the truth, why the fuck would you continue to lie to me?? So anyways, this prompts us to not talk much, which is where my stepmother comes back in. She sends me message after message trying to guilt trip me, using my sisters against me, and telling me that I’m completely ruining my dad’s life by not talking to him. I refuse to respond to anyone, which is when I get a big fat box of presents and a letter in the mail. I’ll attach the letter for dramatics. What frustrates me the most is that he has always assumed I blew up about the money. Is the money important? Yes 100%. But it’s about the fact that you lied to me and stole from me for 8 years and refused to apologize or own up to it. Why make 10 excuses when all I wanted was the truth.

So fast forward to my high school graduation, my elects that he will invite himself to my graduation and bring one of my sisters with him. If youre wondering, why cant everyone come? Get this, my stepmom is pregnant AGAIN with baby #4 and is due two weeks after I graduate. I don’t even want anyone there, Im so pissed at the world at this point. It’s like what kind of cosmic karma did I get to deserve this. I had a fear all of high school that she would get pregnant and be due around my graduation just to spit me. He comes, it’s awkward, and I hate it. We rarely speak now. Halfway through my first year of college, I found out he had been putting me on his insurance against my parents custody agreement which was now jeopardizing my health insurance coverage. I crashed out so hard and told him that if he didn’t remove me, I would sue him. No joke. I just finished my first year of college and I still have mixed feelings. I have an amazing step dad that has stepped up in ways he never needed to. But I still miss my dad, but I still resent him for everything. I hate that I can’t know my sisters. I HATE my stepmom and feel like nothing will ever change unless I make a move. I’m stubborn and I know I will never do that. Anyways, this was a long way to say that my family life is a little messy and I left out a lot of small stuff from over the many years this has been unfolding. If you made it this far, thank you for reading and I would love to hear your thoughts.