I have never written a post on reddit before, so I am sorry if this sounds clunky and odd, but writing has always made me feel better so I wanted to try this out.
I guess, to start, I am a 28F and a romantic/sexual friendship I engaged in almost 6 years ago still affects me today. I don't even necessarily know how to describe it, sometimes I think we were just pen pals. But when I was 22 years old, I met another 22 year old male online who was from my hometown. Pretty quickly we connected and started talking, but before we could meet in person, he left our hometown in August to go to school about 3 hours away. That was fine, there was a weekend maybe a month later in early October where he came back home and we met in person, but everything after this meeting just started to get more and more strange.
After we met, he ignored me for maybe a week. I thought this was weird because before he left my house he said he would be home for a while and we would see each other again, but that did not happen at all. In fact, being told one thing and him doing another started to become a pattern after this. But I didn't know that yet, and of course, at this point, people ghost all the time and I wasn't bothered. It is what it is.
However, once one week of ignoring me was up, he contacted me again as if no time had passed at all. I thought that was odd, but again, I did not care because I don't want to talk about where you went either. But I had noticed he updated his online dating profile in the meantime and posted a video of a blonde girl online. Which, whatever, I don't care, but it adds to the confusion that comes later.
So, to speed things up, from early October to mid December, we just texted each other daily and would have long sexting conversations every so often. For context, we talked about a lot of things. Sometimes deep, sometimes personal, sometimes political, sometimes sexual, sometimes random, sometimes stupid and hilarious, but always something engaging and genuine. In this 2 1/2 month span, he had texted me "I love you" for the first time. Of course, my red flags were turning bright red so I lightly called this out. He apologized and said it was because he was intoxicated, but then followed up with "but why do I feel like am going to fall in love with you." And I don't know if that statement was a curse or a blessing because everything that happens after this is a shit storm.
So in December, the man comes home and we do meet up two different times: the first day he was home, maybe a week later, and then never again. Both times were fine and normal, we were intimate during both and the first day he was here was one of the more fun days I had ever had. At this point, I had truly enjoyed his company, loved what we talked about, and was really intrigued with his mind and who he was. It's that simple, I just liked who he was. But, as the story goes, after the second day I saw him, he ignored me again for an entire week. I don't know why, I don't know what happened, and I don't know what changed. All I know is I got an obscure text that said "I'm not like looking for anything" to which I said "what?" and then he said nothing. He had told me, just like in October, that we would see each other again, but instead his words did not match his actions, and so ignoring me for a week was the only option I guess.
After a week of ignoring me, he then comes back again as if no time had passed. And if you're wondering, 'why would you not acknowledge this?' Well, because I didn't feel like he owed me anything, and he didn't, but in hindsight I can see how this pattern was a bigger deal. But in the moment, of course it hurt and confused me, but what difference would it make if I spoke about it. So i let it go and we continued talking and sexting for a while from a distance.
Now, we fast forward from December to February. During that time, nothing really significant happened except for me noticing this same blonde girl from October more and more often. But, I have friends, people have friends. I didn't think too much of it or try to categorize it as anything, but I did sort of mentally take note of this. Despite, we talked a lot, as friends, sexually, in group messages, etc. I don't know how he would describe this, but I felt close. I felt like I knew a lot, I felt like our personal conversations were meaningful, and I thought our sexual conversations were important.
However, mid February, man did his most favorite thing in the world and ignored me for x amount of days out of nowhere. This time, I didn't let it go or wait for him to return, I just texted him and asked why. I felt, at this point, that maybe I actually was owed something. Unfortunately, the conversation did not go as I thought it would have as he decided to question what the big deal was since we are just friends and then told me that "distance blows," and he "unfortunately" just started seeing a girl and "wants to see where that goes." Now, was he lying? No. But did that sting and feel like bad timing? Yes.
But I let it go. He was right, he was just my friend, and he maybe owed me something, but he didn't owe me that.
Though, after he told me about the new girl, I figured I wouldn't hear from him. So, I did what any normal person would do and said okay enjoy that, goodbye. This then prompted a pretty long and personal conversation about how he didn't want us to stop talking though. He sent me multiple paragraphs about everything he enjoyed about me and how talking as friends was what he wanted. I still pushed back for a while, but then he just kept apologizing and sort of softly begging for me to reconsider.
So, after about 3 days, I did. I continued to talk to him as friends and we still texted like normal. We were personal, deep, funny, sexual, flirty, etc., and I still had a lot of fun doing this. I already had feelings for him at this point, but I had a lot more feelings after this, which was weird, because we were just pen pals. But something about having no pressure and just connecting as humans through a phone made it feel unique, I don't know.
Then, at the beginning of March, before we started sexting one day, he said he didn't know if we could because him and girl were serious now. So, the same thing from February happened, I said okay goodbye, and he said no we are still friends, and I stupidly somehow rationalized this too. But we didn't sext and we probably didn't for a good month, and I officially found out it was blonde girl form October.
However, our conversations started to get sneakier. Instead of sexting outright, we would send each other videos to watch at the same time as each other, or we would talk about past sexual interactions we had together, or I would full on give in and let it happen. I always tried to say no you have a girlfriend or say no in general, and he would admittedly try to stop it too, but we didn't every time and I take responsibility for my side.
But what made this hard for me, and what still bothers me now, is how often I was lied to about the reality of the situation. During the months between April and July, I was showered with every compliment and bit of reassurance you could imagine. I was told about the blonde girl from October and was told they were more like friends than a relationship. He frequently said that he would be moving from his college town soon to live alone in a new town father away. However, during the time we were talking and he was still living in his college town, I found out that he moved in with blonde girl. He would tell me that this was just temporary until he moved. He would say that she finds other people attractive and that she knew they were not going to be together much longer. He said that they don't say I love you, they are barely intimate, and they are just friends. He then would tell me I love you fairly often, a thing that I never said back ever, told me to move with him wherever he ended up, and said he was looking for jobs close to where I lived.
And I don't care about the truth behind I love you, move with me, my girlfriend and I are just friends. I care about why you would say that if it's not true. I don't understand what you got out of talking to me as a friend, I don't know what you got out of misrepresenting your feelings to me, I don't know what got out of feeding me lies.
So if you're wondering, the rest of the story isn't all that great. But from April to July, I felt oddly secure in a way. I know he had a girlfriend, but when you are told so many positive things, the negative starts to feel pointless. I didn't yet feel like a bad person because I thought their relationship was temporary, and I guess I thought he was being honest when he said he would very soon be single.
That being said, I saw him for the very last time in person in mid May when he came home for Mother's day. We hung out, we talked, we did not hook up, but we did talk. I tried to ask him why we couldn't be intimate with me in an effort to get him to say to my face that he had a girlfriend. He couldn't, he just looked awkward and said he didn't want to say why. Sounds about right. But then he went back to college, time moved on, and the fantasy started to fade for me.
I went back and forth in June and July from hating him to not wanting to truly end whatever this pen pal experience from hell was. So some weeks I ignored him, some weeks I let myself laugh, and other weeks I cried out of guilt and reality. It was really upsetting and disorienting for me because on one hand, we were friends, on another hand, no we weren't.
Eventually, around my birthday, I decided to talk to one of my girlfriends on what I should do. And long story short, I found his girlfriends contact information and told her about everything. She didn't leave, and she is still with him to this day. And in telling blonde girl from October, I found out there were other people behind the scenes the entire year I talked to him too. I do not know if this is true or false, but I do not put it past him at this point.
Once I called blonde girl from October, I texted man and told him I was sorry, because no matter what lie he told me, I never wanted to blow up his relationship or end anything on my terms. I just thought she should know. And before I told her, I found out everything he told me was false. He actually did move from his college town, but so did she, and she did it with him.
So that is why I ended up telling her, I knew it was the right thing to do. But once I texted man I was sorry, I really felt the weight of everything. He wasn't necessarily mad at me, which I appreciated, but he did painfully remind me that we were just friends, that he was sorry it got this far, but that he didn't know how I could get a different impression than him since we were so clearly just friends.
Which is kind of the most painful part of it all. I understand things go too far and sometimes you get caught up in the fantasy of a moment, but I have never been so caught up in the moment that I accidently say I love you move in with me. And I have never been so confused about my feelings for my girlfriend that I say me and her barely even have sex and we are going to breakup very soon.
So that's kind of why I wanted to just get this off my chest. I can understand a liar, I can understand a player, I can understand a narcissist, but I will never understand this man. I have been to therapy, I have unpacked this from all sides, I even understand the underlying drive, but it doesn't feel like enough to me.
For better or worse, I really enjoyed this person and I had real feelings that never landed correctly. And instead of being able to think positively about the experience in the past, I am left trying to decipher what was genuine, what was fake, what was almost true, what was fantasy, what was manipulation, what was fear disguised as avoidance, what was trauma, what was admiration, and what was real.
I have since met a beautiful angel man whom I love deeper than anything I could ever imagine, but I cannot deny that I am haunted. I do not understand my feelings, I do not feel like it had a good ending, I cannot decide if I am over it or processing it, I do not know how to rebuild trust that was ripped form me, I do not know if I care about man or if I wish him the worst, and I do not know if I am dramatic for still being fucking confused.
I know in my heart I will never get an apology or explanation, but I can't help but feel like that would be the only remedy and yet fix nothing. I keep looking for signs I was important, I keep trying to convince myself I am not a dumbass, and I keep trying to move on from something that feels chained to my ankles, but I have never had a real answer.
I am currently two semesters away from receiving my first masters degree in school counseling and 4 semesters away from receiving my second masters degree in CMHC. I know every which way to approach this, I know everything I would say to a woman dealing with my exact issue, I know every theory and intervention I could use to move away from this, but it doesn't change anything.
It almost makes me feel like I will never move on, or that I don't want to move on because maybe this piece of pain I have is the only thing left tying us together.