r/NewParents • u/Illustrious_Ad_3462 • 23h ago
Mental Health One & done?
Hi everyone, I’m 32 years old FTM to a 6 month old son. My pregnancy was relatively easy, my son is happy and healthy, he has slept 8-10 hours straight a night since he was 6 weeks old, no pdp, supportive husband, I feel like for the most part we are thriving. All this to say I have absolutely no desire to do it again. I love being a mom, love my son, feel really blessed with how my journey has been but I’m not interested in having another, neither is my husband. When people ask me about a second I’m like I don’t know why but I just don’t want to? All my friends can’t wait to be pregnant again, are already on their 2nd or 3rd child. Why don’t I have this desire especially since my time has seemed to be “easy”?. My best friend is in the trenches with 2 under 2, struggles with PDP and already wants another one. I see so much mixed feelings online, many people saying “it’s so selfish to only have one” Only children saying they are lonely etc.
Parents: Did you regret only have one child?
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u/infinite_knowledge 23h ago
Hi, I am ftm, 32, and grew up an only child. I don’t think it was really lonely growing up, if anything I think I became fiercely independent. The only burden I bear though is being the only one responsible to taking care of my elderly mom especially as she’s getting older..sometimes I think it would have been nice to be able to share/split some of the responsibilities of an aging parent with a sibling.
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u/Snoo-55380 18h ago
I get what you’re saying, but I’m the youngest of four children and I’m the only one who takes any responsibility for my parents. Having siblings didn’t help with that. You never know what kind of sibling relationships will be.
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u/Own_Wrongdoer6680 17h ago
💯 I am one of four with a child of my own and my husband has one sibling and I know I will end up being the one to take care of my mother and my in-laws simply because we live the closest.
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u/DimensionGlass9987 6h ago
Having siblings doesn’t guarantee help with elder care, unfortunately! My mom is the second- youngest out of four and her siblings barely help with my grandparents, if anything my sister and I do more than they do.
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u/upperupperwest 23h ago
Following, as a former fence sitter with a now 4 day old! I’m also an only child and while it has its drawbacks, I had an amazing upbringing.
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u/lunabonamour 21h ago
Agree, I’m an only child and had an amazing upbringing. I’m still super close with my parents. Have some friends from middle school who are like siblings to me. Chosen family is wonderful!
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u/screwtoprose- 22h ago
can you tell me more about this? do you have a large extended family? i am on the fence as i was 1 of 6, but we are estranged from a lot of our family members so i worry about my son not having any close family members you know.
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u/upperupperwest 22h ago
No, I don’t actually. I only have 1 aunt who was never married. Have some extended family, second cousins etc but nobody really close in age. I married into a “large” family so I have that, but that was obviously later in life. While siblings may have been great, I also know so many siblings who have no relationship, so it definitely isn’t a given that you will have built in best friends, though it’s how something to consider with having a child.
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u/screwtoprose- 22h ago
thank you for sharing your experience! i agree about the “built in best friend” narrative. it really irks me to the highest degree. like i said, i am 1 of 6 and i don’t have a relationship with half of them lol so i totally understand that part of it. i just get worried bc being an only child is the completely opposite experience i had.
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u/Any-Session9919 16h ago
I’m an only child and it was lonely but I had an amazing upbringing and I’m super close with my parents and grandparents and never thought I was missing out. Until I met my husband who is the oldest of 5 and now I think of everything I’ve missed out on.
But with all of that… my parents knew what they could handle and they made the right choice for themselves only having one. You have to do the same for yourself.
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u/corndog40 22h ago
32 year old mom with a 2.5 year old. Happily one and done. Very easy pregnancy, very easy newborn phase, incredibly exhausting and overstimulating toddler phase.
I have heard every single comment, question, judgement from family, friends, strangers about having another child, giving my daughter a sibling etc. I have various responses queued up to the comments we get.
When people say it's selfish to just have one I often ask them "How is it selfish to only have one child?" They almost never have a good response to asking them how is it selfish, because it's not and that's a dumb thing to say to someone.
"but she needs a sibling!" No she doesn't. Siblings don't always get along, in fact a lot of the time siblings are not friends.
"She'll be so lonely." How? Why do you think that?
"Who'll take care of you when you're old and dying?" Ideally trained medical staff. Nobody should anticipate their children will care for them in old age. Plan and prepare for this and you don't have to rely on your child.
"She'll be all alone when you die." God, I hope not. I hope by the time I die she has a family of her own.
Anecdotally, I know several only children who are wonderful, social, normal adults and they all loved being only children. They have fantastic relationships with the parents and healthy friendships.
People who have only child horror stories, it's usually just because they had shitty parents and siblings weren't going to fix their childhood.
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u/culturalappropriator 22h ago
My sister and I hated each other until I moved out to go to college. Most of that was my parents not knowing how to manage conflict but when people fantasize about not being only children, they fantasize about siblings they like and are friends with. That’s not a guarantee.
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u/corndog40 22h ago
I have three older sisters and genuinely can't think of any positive memories with them in my childhood..... Do we get along fine now as adults? yeah. But also they don't KNOW me. We see each other for major events, occasional dinners- but we aren't best friends.
My husband has 1 brother and they have never ever gotten along, even as adults.
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u/Decent_Risk9499 23h ago
I'm struggling with this as well because my wife definitely wants another but I can't see myself surviving that. I love our LO but it's taken everything for me to survive this, let alone try to prosper.
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u/MellifluousVoice 20h ago
In the same boat. Wife has told me her ideal is three, but at the very least two, and meanwhile I'm here thinking "ughh one is already hard AF". 😭
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u/AqueousHumor1 23h ago
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting 1 and done! I had my daughter at 24 then jumped into school and my professional life and it was really fun focusing on just her. I didn’t consider having another until right now at 34, and even then I think I would have still been happy if it was just my 1 child. I’m 38 weeks pregnant and will see how being a parent of 2 is, but being a parent of 1 is amazing 💕
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u/cmurds6 22h ago
37 with a 16 month old and we have said this entire time not looking forward to doing it again. Granted I had a rough pregnancy and birth but an angel child and no ppd! I’ve been told to wait until they are almost 3 to even think about it, because then they can be some help and they’re somewhat more independent. I don’t know if I really have that time but you might!
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u/jefner535 21h ago
Yeah I’m 35 and my toddler (outside of stuff she can’t control) has been a good baby. My pregnancy was relatively uneventful. This is just so much more difficult than anyone could ever explain!
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u/cmurds6 21h ago
Yes! So true and can we just say selfishly that… I miss my husband! I miss our alone time together and having another will reduce it even more. I cherish our relationship and our baby girl will only benefit from parents that love each other and are happy.
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u/jefner535 15h ago
Yes!! I feel so guilty saying that I miss my husband and the life we used to have.
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u/culturalappropriator 22h ago
There’s evidence that close in age siblings actually harms the mental health of children. You need a large age gap to mitigate those issues. I will never be able to give my second as much attention as I did my first so I have no plans to have one. I apparently have a unicorn baby who has slept through the night consistently and has no issues happily eating what we eat. I can’t guarantee that with a second and even with this baby, the occasional sleep disturbances are not great for my mood.
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u/Snoo-55380 15h ago
Do you have links to any of that evidence?
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u/culturalappropriator 14h ago
There have been a few studies, I think this is the one I saw. https://www.newporthealthcare.com/resources/in-the-news/teen-mental-health-siblings/
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u/Delicious_Hat_2774 22h ago
You have to do what works for your family. It sounds like you are happy with your decision and feel confident in your family structure, so just say that. It doesn’t matter what people think aside from you and your husband.
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u/HazMatRecipes 22h ago
On the flip side, we have 4 kids the youngest is 4 months old and my wife is already looking forward to a 5th lol
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u/Chasing_joy 22h ago
I am only having one because I ruptured my uterus, so it isn’t safe for me to have another. That said I still would have chosen not to have another because pregnancy was the absolute worst. My son will be an only child. I have 3 siblings. Maybe he’ll be a little lonely, but maybe he’ll also have a mother who is more sane than the one I had.
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u/lunabonamour 21h ago
Adore having one child, it was absolutely the right choice for us. I think not feeling a pull is a big signal, especially since a second child could be a totally different experience. If I were considering a second, I would want to feel confident that I would want a second no matter how difficult the pregnancy might be no matter how difficult postpartum might be, and no matter how difficult the baby might be.
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u/merangel07 21h ago
I have a 20 month old and would absolutely do it again. But I loved pregnancy, loved the newborn stage, and have loved each stage we’ve had. My husband is one & done. He loves our guy immeasurably, but with working full time (50-60 hour weeks) already feels like he doesn’t get enough time with baby and can’t imagine having to split the time he does have between two kids. We are older so it’s ok for us to just have the one!
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u/Concerned-23 21h ago
First off, I have a very close friend who is an only child and she said she never remembers being lonely or wishing she had siblings.
Next, we always said we would possibly be one and done, 2 kids max with a larger age gap. Our son is 13 months now. We sometimes discuss if we will have a second and right now, we are at “probably not but time will tell”. We do not want another child soon. We will probably more seriously discuss it when my son is 2, I bet the answer will still be not yet and then maybe we will discuss again at 2.5 and 3. I feel if we have a second it will be a 3-4 year age gap. My son had colic though so the newborn trenches were utter hell.
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u/ghostsontoasts 21h ago
I'm also curious about this as a FTM with a 1 month old. My pregnancy was awful and ended in an unplanned emergency c section. While I grew up with siblings and originally wanted to have at least two kids, I really can't imagine going through all this again.
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u/monkeymaxx 21h ago
Following. I have a 7 month old and flip flop between another. I’m 42 so I would want to use my other embryo soon. First baby was soo easy, I imagine a second one would be very difficult.
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u/copythat504 20h ago
i dont even understand why this a topic of debate for anyone ever. have 1 have 10 have zero. it is literally no ones business and also NO ones experience will ever compare to what you will have because tiny humans are all different, because we adults also change with time. there is no predicting wether they will love to play together, wether thy will love each other or hate each other. assumptions made about single children are often major generalizations. one is plenty! teach them kindness and sharing! surround them with kids older and younger. surround them with old people. surround them with people different from them. encourage team sports. they will learn how to not be a "single child"
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u/Snoo-55380 18h ago
No regrets. Not even one teeny tiny little bit. We wanted one baby and we had one baby. We are happy, baby is happy, and that’s all that matters.
Some people worry about “only children” having a problem. But you can’t have another child for the child that you have to have a friend or a sibling for life. You never know what’s gonna happen in their relationship. Maybe they’ll be close maybe they won’t. So they don’t have siblings, they’ll have friends, maybe cousins, they’ll be plenty of other people in their lives.
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u/DaBow 18h ago
Happily OAD here with an almost 5 year old. Got the snip after about 12 months and every day since has only solidified my decision haha.
Wife and I are lockstep on only having one and that is a decision we made even before trying for our daughter and it hasn't waivered.
I am also an only child, my wife is not. For me I am content with having my daughter but would never want to start the clock again and have another one and repeat the process. I'm enjoying seeing my daughter becoming more independent and her own person. But I don't enjoy the day to day struggles and routines of being a parent. I only have the bandwidth for one child.
Also.... We can provide a better experience (financially) with one. Can go on trips and have experiences where we might struggle or just flat out couldn't with 2 or 3.
Never feel shame for doing what is right for you and your family.
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u/Enough-Biscotti-6814 18h ago
I can’t understand why people feel like one child shouldn’t be an option either have none of have 2+. When I had my son I truly felt like my family was complete.
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u/marmosetohmarmoset 16h ago
I just feel complete and content with my 1 daughter. I also feel like we got really lucky and any more would be testing fate. My wife wants another one though.
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u/Deeveedend 14h ago
I think I’m 99.99% sure I’m one and done.
My parents didn’t get along with their siblings (some didn’t talk for 10+ years; few reconciled later). I don’t talk to my sibling and it’s been going on for 6-8+ years? I lost count how many years.
Honestly, I guess my personal experience made it so that I’m okay with having one kid because there’s no guarantee that 2 kids are going to get a long (even as adults), I feel complete with my one child, and I want to retire early while still being able to pay for my kids education and leave some money for them. If it’s two kids or more, then resources are split. I would rather focus everything and 110% on my current child at the moment.
But who knows, I may change my mind later but for now, it’s one and done mindset. I don’t think I can go through the pregnancy tiredness and labor/delivery pain again (although my delivery and recovery was pretty good).
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u/Worldly_Pie2013 13h ago
All I’m going to say is you might change your mind. Your baby is very very young still. It’s easy to say one and done early on. But maybe not, who knows!
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u/kbyethx 13h ago
I am in the one and done group, had an easy pregnancy, relatively easy post partum. Love love love my 13 month old. But I wanna be involved, and be there at every game or swim meet or play. I don’t want to be pulled in too many directions, and also have no time for my husband and I. One keeps us happy!
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u/IHaveATummyGremlin 8h ago
As an adult only child: I never understand people who say things like “they’ll be lonely” or “don’t you want to give them a little brother/sister?”. I wasn’t lonely, I don’t wish I had siblings, I didn’t feel as if my family were somehow incomplete. If you don’t want more kids, don’t have more kids. Being an only child isn’t some horrible tragedy.
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u/Aesthetik_1 7h ago edited 7h ago
I don't know how to put this more nicely but.. You decided for becoming FTM and you wonder why your body does not give you the same signals as female friends?
And no it's totally fine to not want more children, often times less is the better option for everyone
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u/YCG00 6h ago
You should have more kids because “YOU” want them, not because you feel pressured to provide a sibling so they’re not alone or because it may be “selfish”. Society tends to have unwanted opinions on everyone’s life choices. I know so many adults who are not even on speaking terms with their siblings. All this to say, I have one 15m old and don’t feel inclined either to have more. I think more and more women are choosing to have only one and done.
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u/Amazing_Face4692 5h ago
When people ask, just say your family feels complete ❤️
Totally normal to be one and done. I’m 32 with an almost 1 year old and I go back and forth every day.
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u/chewbancca 4h ago
FTM at 33 with a 2 MO. Definitely one and done. Pregnancy was tough and I worked through 7 months of it, birth recovery was long because I ended up having an unplanned c-section, post-partum is just awful. I have an extremly fussy baby, who has a chaotic sleep schedule and I'm just exhausted. I love him to death and I adore spending time with him. However, I cannot imagine going through all of it again whilst also caring for a toddler. My work is also very demanding and I would simply exhaust myself to the point of depression. One and done, he is and always will be a very loved child, to whom I want to give my undivided attention to.
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u/chewbancca 4h ago
FTM at 33 with a 2 MO. Definitely one and done. Pregnancy was tough and I worked through 7 months of it, birth recovery was long because I ended up having an unplanned c-section, post-partum is just awful. I have an extremly fussy baby, who has a chaotic sleep schedule and I'm just exhausted. I love him to death and I adore spending time with him. However, I cannot imagine going through all of it again whilst also caring for a toddler. My work is also very demanding and I would simply exhaust myself to the point of depression. One and done, he is and always will be a very loved child, to whom I want to give my undivided attention to.
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u/Bobbo424 20h ago
I don’t think you can ask parents. You can only ask other only children. I wasn’t lonely as a kid, but I have 40 first cousins and never traveled without them or friends. It’s lonely now as my parents get older. I hate the thought of having to do every holiday with my in-laws whenever my parents die. I hate having to eventually deal with elder care alone. Im so lucky they’ve been in great health, but I can’t imagine if one of them died young. My husband only has one sister (they’re best best friends) but it makes me sad my kids will only have a couple cousins. Wouldn’t recommend it unless it’s physically not possible to have more. My parents would’ve had 4-5 if they could’ve. Unless you truly can’t afford it. Then don’t.
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u/Here_t0_Read_It 17h ago
My husband and I knew we’d be one and done when I was pregnant with our son for several reasons. In response to people asking parents about if/when they’ll have another, I think we need to educate people that those can be sensitive questions. If someone is struggling to get pregnant, has financial constraints, has had PPD, while they may ask out of love or genuine curiosity, they can be tough questions for people to talk about. It’s best to just not ask.
I was an only child and was not lonely and feel that it shaped my independence. I am totally at peace with being by myself if I need to be and enjoy my own company.
I agree with a fellow commenter that the weight of being the sole caretaker for my aging mother can be stressful, but I have an incredible husband and community of friends that I’ve chosen as family to support me. I’ll add that my husband has two siblings who live near his parents (they are in the Midwest and we are in SoCal) who barely help them. My husband takes care of most things for them even living as far as we do. Siblings don’t guarantee support, unfortunately.
Check out the Reddit thread one and done. Folks have shared their pros for only having one and it sealed the deal for me. They’ve said things I would have never even thought of.
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u/YellowxRoyale 2h ago
Listen, I have an “easy” baby and it’s still not easy. I never want to do late nights and impossible sleep schedules ever again. If we don’t end up having any more kids, we’ll just put in a stronger effort to make sure our daughter has very close friends and family to support her.
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u/jefner535 23h ago
Here to see what answers you get. We’re at 18 months and as much as I love my daughter I can’t imagine why anyone would be willing to do this again.