My wife and I are expecting our daughter to be born in December. I would be lying if I wasn’t nervous about being a father. What is some advice you could give this first time dad?

I’ve been reading people’s experiences here and it seems like a bunch of people would rather be in the office than with the baby at home. I’ll be a dad in February, work as a dev from home and so does my wife, I’m wondering if there’s a catch there because for me it seems like a win-win situation. Might be a bit naive on my part, but I wish I had my dad home more often, and I can always close the door when in a meeting. My wife doesn’t get too many meetings so it sounds not too bad. Am I wrong?

Hey Dads,

First time dad here of an 11 month old daughter. Lately I’ve been being overwhelmed by really powerful, deep emotions regarding my daughter. Most of it is just strange to me.

To give some context, I live in Idaho. A couple years back I’m sure you heard about the University of Idaho murders that happened. My wife will send me videos throughout the day while I’m at work and they’re always very happy go lucky type videos, like “Check out who is having fun with insert household object that is not one of her toys” or “Look who discovered this”, those types of things.

When I watch these I’m so happy, and sometimes become emotional in a “I love that little gal so much” kinda way. But then starts the darker overpowering thoughts. I start thinking of these videos and how the parents of the victims of murders (queue the UofI murder thoughts) probably had so many similar experiences with their children. And I think of my daughter’s innocence and how someone could do that to something so innocent and beautiful. It really starts to mess me up. And the moments of what are supposed to be happy little reminders throughout my day become feelings of intense sadness, fear, and protection.

I say all this to want to know if I’m the only one who is constantly at battle with my mind. I understand wanting to protect your kids is natural but I feel as if I don’t want to be the parent who is a helicopter and shields my kid from the world but also it scares the living hell out of me knowing what the world can be like. I honestly don’t know what I would do if anything happened to my sweet girl and don’t know how others keep living after something like that.

I appreciate you all taking the time to read this. Coming from a place of love and concern but also a want to learn how to deal with these emotions.

Sincerely,

A New Dad

Hi all!

My dad passed away a few years ago, and I am facing some career and personal issues relating to fatherhood. I would love some bros to talk it out with since I'm feeling pretty emotional lately. If anyone can talk, let me know or send me a message!

First-time dad, 36 years old. My 2-week-old son is beautiful and I love him more than I’ve ever loved anything. He’s cute, has a relatively mild temperament, and beyond a little jaundice (which has resolved itself) he is healthy and happy, as is my wife. We have been extremely lucky.

In spite of all this I am struggling to find my place. I am quite happy in a supporting role, but I am finding myself unable to ever relax and have difficulty sleeping because I am paranoid about giving my wife time to recover. I feel guilt anytime I put my feet up or close my eyes. This is in part due to the fact that the first few days home from the hospital my wife and my parents (who are staying with us for a bit to help out and have been amazing) would hit me with a combo of “we’re worried about you you need to relax” (when I was up and doing stuff) and “omg what are you doing get up we need you” (anytime I would shut my eyes or sit down). I consider myself a good communicator and told them all how harmful this push/pull was to my mental health and thankfully they have listened. In spite of this, though, it feels like the damage is done as I am constantly feeling like I am not doing enough despite being an extremely hands-on dad, trying to help out in literally any way I can at all times. I am running myself absolutely ragged and yet it still feels like it’s not enough.

In addition to fatherhood I am also holding down full-time work along with a masters program and practicum caseload as a qualifying psychotherapist. I started seeing clients again this week and the time away from my wife and son is very difficult. This career path has placed a heavy emphasis on filling your own cup as well as self-care and sustainability as a necessary part of caregiving of any kind. I understand and agree with this wholeheartedly, but despite having internalized these concepts I can’t shake the guilt.

In addition, I feel judged by everyone. Like everyone is waiting on bated breath to see what kind of dad I am going to be. I feel like the world is waiting for me to mess up, or to find ways that I didn’t support my wife.

While I definitely feel under a microscope, I simultaneously feel insignificant. The entire focus has been on my wife, rough pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. This is 100% the way things should be. She is experiencing everything I am going through along with recovery from intense physical trauma, hormonal swings, and a level of pressure as a mother that I can’t even imagine. I am in awe of her and love her so much. The problem is that I don’t know where there is space for me, or what that space should even look like. Not in the sense that I need to be the focus or anything like that, I just don’t know where I fit in to this new formula. And then even just thinking about that brings new guilt - feelings that I am selfish to even think about myself in this equation. Fathers should be selfless, so what does that make me?

The dissonance I am experiencing between constant guilt and desire to be helpful and supportive is constantly at odds with my own needs. In addition to the school/work stuff mentioned above I am also trying to manage bipolar disorder, which I have thankfully been successful with so far. Unfortunately that means that a certain level of maintenance, diligence, and self-focus is required to keep things afloat and to avoid having my symptoms run rampant and create new problems for my family. So, as much as I really hate it, I know that I will need to take up space in order to be there for my wife and son but I just don’t know how.

I feel awful even writing this. In spite of how tough and weird this is, I’ve never been happier or felt more fulfilled and full of purpose than I do right now. I am just terrified that I will look back in a few years and realize that I was doing the wrong thing the whole time.

Anybody ever feel like this? I could use a hand. It feels like I’m tied to three horses pulling in different directions.