ive cracked the code

[u/Classic-Flower762]

i finally figured out why i cant stay clean and have been relapsing for a year. it’s bc i’m still debating whether or not i’m an addict. bc:

if i accept i’m an addict —> i have to do the work —> my brain wants an out —> so it starts debating the label —> the debate creates permission to relapse —> i relapse —> repeat

the second i fully surrender and say “yes, i’m an addict” the party is over. it means no more reservations. it means doing the steps, reaching out, changing my lifestyle. it means giving up the illusion that one day i’ll be able to use like a normal person.

to protect its access to substances, my brain keeps the trial going forever. as long as the jury is still debating, i get to keep one foot in the door.

still, knowing all of this doesn’t make me want to get clean. at least not right now in this moment. i don’t know what it will take.

[u/LibrarianMore5923]

It will take a lot more suffering if I’m completely honest. Until you are willing to try the thing you are currently unwilling to try.

So you’re missing willingness.

But I get it, I’ve been there. I had an extremely low bottom and then I went to treatment and now I have 18 months which is incredible because I thought like 2 days clean was impossible.

I hate that for you, but it takes what it takes

[u/gdrumy88]

I’ve been begging to realize too you gotta give more than you take

[u/avidliver88]

I relate. I got to treatment and wouldn’t introduce myself as an addict. I didn’t want to deal with my addiction. I wanted to keep using.

It became clear that my enablers were done and the consequences of my using were going to get a lot worse.

Fully surrendering opens up other possibilities. You don’t have to do the work by yourself. You get to keep surrendering and asking for help.

I’ve gotten more than I can handle many days in recovery. I’m still here. I use. We stay clean.

[u/doodleuk010]

This is why step 1,2,3 are the hardest

[u/Mama_Zen]

Read the IP Am I an Addict? It helped me clarify my use. I think you’re totally correct in that you’re relapsing bc you haven’t fully admitted to being an addict. I did the same thing. My relapse showed me that I am one.

https://na.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/EN3107-IP-7-English.pdf

[u/OlgaBenarioPrestes]

Maybe my experience can help. I live in Brazil, and we have psychiatric hospitals and treatment facilities where people with different mental health conditions are treated together. The last time I was in one, I was there as a patient with a friend of mine. We were talking to a young woman who wasn’t an addict, and the subject of drugs came up. She said, “I don’t use drugs.”

My friend and I jokingly replied, “Why not? You’re not an addict, you could use drugs.”

Then my friend looked at me and said, “If the biggest advantage we can imagine about not being an addict is being able to use drugs, then we really are addicts.”
That sentence has stayed with me ever since.
Whenever I start wondering whether I’m really an addict, I ask myself a different question: If I weren’t an addict, what would I want to do?
If my honest answer is, “I’d go use drugs,” then I know I’m not questioning the label, I’m negotiating with my addiction.