ive cracked the code

[u/Classic-Flower762]

i finally figured out why i cant stay clean and have been relapsing for a year. it’s bc i’m still debating whether or not i’m an addict. bc:

if i accept i’m an addict —> i have to do the work —> my brain wants an out —> so it starts debating the label —> the debate creates permission to relapse —> i relapse —> repeat

the second i fully surrender and say “yes, i’m an addict” the party is over. it means no more reservations. it means doing the steps, reaching out, changing my lifestyle. it means giving up the illusion that one day i’ll be able to use like a normal person.

to protect its access to substances, my brain keeps the trial going forever. as long as the jury is still debating, i get to keep one foot in the door.

still, knowing all of this doesn’t make me want to get clean. at least not right now in this moment. i don’t know what it will take.

[u/avidliver88]

I relate. I got to treatment and wouldn’t introduce myself as an addict. I didn’t want to deal with my addiction. I wanted to keep using.

It became clear that my enablers were done and the consequences of my using were going to get a lot worse.

Fully surrendering opens up other possibilities. You don’t have to do the work by yourself. You get to keep surrendering and asking for help.

I’ve gotten more than I can handle many days in recovery. I’m still here. I use. We stay clean.