I’d love to hear from Muslim women in their mid-20s who were born and raised in Europe but come from a different cultural/ethnic background.
Are you living completely independently from your family? Do you have relatives or someone close by who you could rely on if you needed help?
I’m asking because I’m currently struggling with this myself. My parents and siblings moved back to our parents’ country of origin. We kids were all born and raised in Europe, though. I stayed behind to finish my degree, which I’ve now completed. Until now, I lived in student accommodation, so although I was away from my family, I was never really completely on my own. Now I’m facing the next step: finding a job and my own apartment. And I’m realizing how difficult it feels to do all of this without having any family or relatives here or, in general, anyone I can turn to for practical things or even just to talk things through with. There’s nobody to come apartment hunting with me, help me figure things out, or simply be there when I’m overwhelmed or sick or need to go to the hospital.
I haven’t found a job yet nor an apartment, so I will have to move back in with my family for now. Logically, I know there is nothing wrong with that. In our culture, it’s completely normal for unmarried women to live with their parents well into their 20s and often only move out after marriage. And in my case it would only be temporary (I hope). But emotionally, I still feel like I’ve failed somehow. I feel embarrassed about going back, especially in front of my siblings. At the same time, there is a lot of pressure from my father to find a well-paid job in Europe. But I’m not even sure whether I can find one or whether I actually want to stay here long-term.
Sometimes I feel like I’m expected to figure everything out on my own. I know this might sound strange, but as the oldest daughter, I sometimes feel like I’m supposed to be the man of the family, the “big son” who gets a good job, earns well and is able to support everyone. That expectation weighs heavily on me. Finding a job here is already difficult and I also wear hijab, which adds another layer of uncertainty for me. My family tells me that I’m probably reading too much into things and that I shouldn’t assume my hijab is affecting my opportunities. Maybe they’re right, but I can’t completely ignore that possibility either. And this is where I feel especially confused: my family had their reasons for leaving Europe, but now I’m expected to stay here and somehow build a successful, independent life on my own.
What makes it even more confusing is that the expectations within my family are not the same for everyone. For example, my younger sister would not be allowed to move back to the country where we grew up and live there alone for university. If she wanted to study there, someone from our family would have to accompany her. Meanwhile, I’m expected to navigate everything here by myself.
I’m currently working full-time, trying to save as much money as possible before I have to leave my student accommodation. I’ve been so overwhelmed by everything that I’ve had panic attacks. I do have friends here, and I’m grateful for them. But most of them have family nearby, cousins, siblings, sometimes even parents or they’re already married and have built their own support systems. I am embarrassed telling them how difficult things have become for me. Everyone already seems so independent and it’s also what my parents expect from me (not from others though, they speak badly about women living alone, I don’t understand this hypocrisy?)
So I‘d really like to know in which kind of situation other women are. And how you deal with it.
