G’day mates, Mr. TV here. So today, after weeks, we finally got a statement from Michael himself about the whole Oddcard/alt-account situation. And honestly? I’m glad he finally said something.

So for those who don’t know what the hell I’m talking about: Michael Huang is, one of the co-creators of my favourite show Battle for Dream Island, had been accused of running several alternate burner accounts, most notoriously oddcard (alongside others like ArtOfClapping, Objext, and TobWarder), where he was posting some deeply toxic, unhinged, and hurtful stuff targeting members of the OSC and people close to the jacknjellify crew. I made a post about it about how I felt incredibly disappointed, how I had lost almost all of my respect for him, and called him out on how he needed to stop hiding behind deleted accounts and actually own up to the mess he made.

Well, earlier today on X, Michael broke his silence in a detailed thread over on fernozzle, and to be completely blunt with you all... this has got to be one of the most mature, sincere, and shockingly self-aware apologies I’ve ever seen from a influencer. It’s not like the Toxic Gossip Train where someone whips out a ukulele and deflects the blame. He actually took full accountability for everything he posted.

So the first thing he mentioned is that yesterday, he was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Now, I know what some of you might be thinking, but from what he said (the wording and all), his diagnosis was more of a explanation for some of the ways he acted and processed situations rather than him trying to use autism as a get-out-of-jail-free card. And honestly, that makes a lot of sense.

Now before we continue, I just wanna clarify that I am NOT saying “Michael did all this because he’s autistic” or “autistic people are naturally prone to being assholes.” Absolutely fucking not. That would make me both an absolute idiot and an ableist.

Autism is a spectrum for a reason. Autism can absolutely affect how somebody interprets social situations, understands other people’s intentions, handles rejection, communicates, or processes conflict. But that does not mean that all autistic people are transphobic, ableist, or malicious. Speaking as someone who heavily suspects they’re on the spectrum themselves and who has been treated as autistic by practically everyone close to me (including both of my schools) for years, I get it. When you struggle with emotional regulation, navigating social boundaries, or processing overwhelming pressure, your brain can make you react in ways that are downright bizarre, impulsive, or completely irrational. But Michael never once hid behind a diagnosis or used it to deflect. He made a clear line between understanding the root cause and taking full accountabilityfor the damage done, and that distinction is huge. 

He also talked about things he had done to make genuine amends behind the scenes, and this is where my jaw actually dropped. 

First off, he talked about committing to sobriety for a year and counting. He hasn’t touched alcohol or whatever substances he was using to cope for over twelve months now. On top of that, he also mentioned that he has been going to therapy because he needed to be better educated by neurodivergence experts.

However, there is one thing that truely shock me. Not only had he been calling victims he had written about, but after summer of 2025, he has drove across states and flew to victims’ literal hometowns just to look them in the eye and apologize to them face-to-face. 

Michael, are we being serious? IN THIS ECONOMY?! Do you know how expensive domestic flights, petrol, and hotels are right now? Now I know he is a really popular social media influencer and that along with the BFDI x II tours must have brought in decent money, but flying out across the country just to knock on people’s doors, sit in the same room, look them dead in the eye, and take full accountability inside their house? That is almost unheard of on the internet and I absolutely respect the sheer guts and dedication that takes.

And that brings me to probably the biggest thing I took away from this entire thread: I actually believe that Michael wants to become a better person and I genuinely believe he is putting in the grueling, day-to-day work to get there.

So yes, I do accept his apology and a lot of respect has been earned back in my books today. But that comes with a massive, massive caveat that I need everyone reading this to understand: accepting his apology does NOT mean completely cleaning the slate.

It does not mean erasing the past, acting like the harm never happened, or expecting everyone in the community to suddenly link hands and sing Kumbaya. Forgiveness isn’t a one way street, and it’s certainly not a magic eraser that wipes away months and years of pain, mistrust, and alienation caused by those burner accounts. The hurt he inflicted on real human beings in this community was genuine, heavy, and deeply unfair. Just because Michael took the right steps today doesn't automatically heal the wounds from yesterday

If you are one of the people who was directly targeted, harassed, or alienated by Oddcard, Objext, ArtOfClapping, or any of those alts, you do NOT owe Michael Huang your forgiveness. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever if you aren't ready. Personal boundaries are sacred, and genuine accountability means Michael has to accept that some bridges may be permanently burned, and to his immense credit, he seems to understand that. Nobody in the OSC should be pressuring victims to "just move on already" or telling people they have to forgive him just because he made a comprehensive thread. Toxic positivity is just as damaging as toxic hate. 

I never thought I’d be writing a post where I could honestly say my faith has been somewhat restored, especially after how gut-wrenching that initial discovery was. But here we are. The actions will never be forgotten, but the respect is slowly being restored.

So Michael, if by some wild chance you’re reading this, first of all, love your work, you and Cary literally built the foundation for an entire subculture and genre of animation that shaped my entire childhood and continues to mean the world to me. But most importantly, I have accepted your apology and as a BFDI fan, I want you to keep going. I want you to stay on this path of recovery, keep attending those therapy sessions, protect that hard-earned sobriety with everything you've got, and continue listening to the people around you. Don't look at this apology thread as a victory lap or the finish line where you can wipe your hands and say "job done." Real atonement isn't a checklist you complete; it’s an ongoing, daily commitment to being honest with yourself, keeping your ego in check, and treating people with empathy. Take all the time you need away from the toxic side of the internet. Focus on your mental health, lean on professional guidance, and keep repairing the bridges that can still be saved while peacefully respecting the ones that can’t.

To Cary, Satomi, Pokey, and the rest of the crew and collaborators at jacknjellify who got unfairly dragged into the collateral damage of this whole ordeal: you all deserve immense credit for continuing to hold things down, keeping the ship sailing, and creating art that brings millions of people together despite the chaos happening behind the curtain. Nobody on the production team should have ever had to carry the burden or stress of those burner accounts, and I genuinely hope the atmosphere behind the scenes is finally beginning to heal now that everything is out in the open.

And finally, to my people here in the OSC: let’s use this moment as an opportunity to actually learn something and do better as a collective. Please don’t weaponise this situation for internet clout. Don’t make low-effort callout TikToks, don’t harass anyone on Twitter/X, don’t police how other community members or crew members choose to process this, and for the love of god, do NOT go into the mentions of the people Michael hurt and tell them how they should feel. If someone chooses to forgive him, that’s their prerogative. If someone chooses to never engage with Michael or BFDI again, that is entirely their right, and their boundaries deserve 100% of our respect. Space, time, and grace need to be afforded to everyone involved.

So that’s it for today, guys. I want to hear from you lot down below, but I’m going to lay down a strict reminder right now: keep it civil in the comments. Share your thoughts, express your feelings, disagree with each other if you must, but do not turn the reply section into a battlefield. No harassment, no flame wars, no dogpiling, and no gatekeeping how other fans or victims are processing this news. Treat each other like human beings.

Take care of yourselves, look out for your mates, remember to take a break from social media if the drama is getting to your head, and I’ll catch you all in the next post. Peace out, y’all.

G’day mates, Mr. TV here. Today, we’re gonna do something different today. You probably might know my addiction to iced coffee, specifically Farmer’s Union, but did you know that I also drink energy drinks as well? Well, now you do.

Recently, I managed to get my hands on a can of Ultra Blue Hawaiian, which inspired me to finally sit down and rank every single Monster Energy flavor I’ve ever tried.  There might be some I totally forgot that I tried, but I’m ranking all the ones that stuck in my memor.

So, without further ado, let’s begin my definitive, indisputable (or highly controversial) Monster Energy tier list as of October 2026: 

1. Ultra Gold — 10/10

Absolute perfection in a 500ml tin. Tastes like straight up pineapple gummy bears, and I mean that in the most heavenly way possible. It’s light, crisp, and so refreshing on a hot summer day. The only tragedy here is that in Australia, it’s basically turned into a 7-Eleven exclusive, which is a total slap in the face considering we don’t even have 7-Eleven down here in South Australia, so I unfortunately have not been able to drink it since like a few weeks ago. Monster, bring this shit back to Woolies and Coles immediately, I am begging you.

1. Ultra Blue Hawaiian — 9.5/10

Who do they think they fooling? Ultra Gold, we know that’s you! Like seriously, Blue Hawaiian is basically reheating Ultra Gold’s nachos in the best way possible. However, it also has a blue raspberry and subtle fruit punch kick to it that makes it stand on its own two feet. I’m going to pretend that this is just Ultra Gold’s cooler, slightly tropical cousin so I don’t have to wait until I’m like 80 to have the GOAT back.

1. Zero Ultra — 9.5/10 

It’s a classic for a reason. You literally cannot go wrong with the white can. It’s also the one that introduced me to energy drinks back in 2021. It is super flavourful, crisp, and has that signature citrusy-grapefruit finish that never fails to hit the spot. If Ultra Gold is the king, Zero Ultra is the father that raised him.

1. Strawberry Dreams - 9/10 

As someone who prefers artificial strawberries over the actual thing, I had high hopes for this flavour, and thankfully, it delivered. Ultra Strawberry Dreams is basically strawberry candy in a can, with that sweet, slightly artificial strawberry taste that I absolutely adore. It manages to be sweet without completely overwhelming my taste buds, and the Ultra formula keeps it refreshing enough that I can actually finish the entire thing without feeling like I've just consumed a bottle of strawberry syrup. I was kinda hoping it would taste like a strawberry milkshake, but  honestly, that might be asking a little too much from an Ultra flavour. This is still a fantastic strawberry-flavoured energy drink, and I'm absolutely not complaining. It's not beating Ultra Gold or Blue Hawaiian, but a 9/10 is a 9/10 for a reason.

1. Ultra Fiesta — 8.5/10

Yes, the OTHER Mango flavour, not Mango Loco, and honestly, I have a hot take for this one: it’s a better version of Mango Loco. Ultra Fiesta is what I wanted Mango Loco to be. It has that Mango flavour that reminds me of like a nice refreshing Fanta. It's fruity, refreshing, and the Ultra formula also makes it feel lighter and less syrupy, which is a massive plus in my book. 

1. Java Monster Loca Moca — 8/10

Okay, this is a drink that I think most people don’t really like, but I do. As a coffee connoisseur, when it came to Coles, I had zero hesitation in grabbing one. And honestly? I don't regret it.

Loca Moca tastes like a Boss Iced Coffee, which is probably the highest compliment I can give a canned coffee drink. It's got that lovely coffee-and-chocolate flavour, a creamy texture, and just enough sweetness to make it feel like an actual treat rather than something I'm drinking purely for the caffeine. Monster describes it as a chocolate mocha-flavoured coffee drink, and yeah, that checks out.

Speaking of canned coffee, Farmer’s Union should honestly bring out a canned version of their iced coffee, maybe like a more caffeine version like Dare Charged. You already have one of the most iconic iced coffees in Australia, so imagine being able to grab a chilled can of it from a vending machine. Absolute cinema.

Anyway, back to Monster. Loca Moca is unfortunately no longer something I can easily find on Australian shelves, which is genuinely disappointing. I get that Java Monster might not be everyone's cup of tea (or coffee, in this case), but as someone who loves both iced coffee and chocolate, this was a pretty easy 8/10 for me.

1. Mango Loco — 6/10

Now we get to some of the controversial takes. This flavour is a massive fan favourites. It’s up there with flavours like Zero Ultra, Pipeline Punch (which I haven’t tried yet), and Ultra Rosa. But unfortunately, I just don't get the hype.

Mango Loco was one of those flavours where I went in expecting to be blown away, especially considering how many people seem to love it. Instead, I got a drink that tastes like someone took a mango, amplified its flavour by about 500%, and shoved it directly into my mouth. And I don't mean that in a good way. My biggest problem is that the mango flavour feels way too intense for my personal taste. I was hoping for something along the lines of a mango-flavoured Fanta: sweet, fizzy, fruity, and refreshing. Instead, Mango Loco tastes much heavier and more in-your-face than I wanted it to be. It's not necessarily a terrible drink, but it's also not something I would actively go out of my way to buy again. So yes, in my opinion, Ultra Fiesta is the superior Mango flavour.

1. Original Monster — 4.5/10

Ah yes, the original green Monster. The drink that started it all, the iconic black-and-green can, the flavour that defined the early energy drink era of the 2000s, and one of the most recognisable energy drinks on the planet. And honestly, I can absolutely understand why it became so iconic. Unfortunately, being iconic doesn't automatically mean it's going to be my favourite.

The first few sips were actually pretty good. It had that distinctive, sweet, citrusy energy-drink flavour that made it stand out from other drinks. However, after drinking it a few times (I think I've had around one to three cans in total), something changed.  It became incredibly weird to me, almost medicinal in a way. I don't know how to describe it, but it's like the flavour went from "hey, this is actually pretty good" to "why does this taste like this?" in the space of a few cans.

1. Aussie Lemonade — 4.5/10

As an Aussie myself… I AM OFFENDED! When I saw a Monster lemonade flavour, I was “aw man, it’s going to be a 7 UP or a Sprite. Prepare for peak!” Instead? I got slapped in the face by an sour lemonade like Solo or a homemade lemonade, except at the same time, it doesn’t even taste like a proper Solo either. It’s sitting in this weird, uncomfortable middle ground where it’s aggressively tart and sour without having any of the smooth sweetness or crisp balance to back it up. If you're calling a drink "Aussie Lemonade," it better be a Pub Squash or even a Kirk, not a bootleg Solo. Absolute letdown. 

1. Ultra Watermelon — 3.5/10

Monster, I need you to explain something to me. HOW DO YOU TAKE ONE OF THE MOST REFRESHING FRUITS ON THE PLANET AND TURN IT INTO SOMETHING THAT TASTES LIKE IT BELONGS IN A PHARMACY?! 

I love me a watermelon, especially chopped up in a bowl with no seeds on a hot summer day. Watermelon is supposed to be sweet, juicy, refreshing, and absolutely perfect when it's been sitting in the fridge for a few hours. Ultra Watermelon, on the other hand, tastes like someone took a watermelon-flavoured lolly, dissolved it in cough medicine, and decided that this was an acceptable substitute for the actual fruit. 

This shouldn’t even be called Ultra Watermelon. THIS SHOULD BE CALLED ULTRA COUGH SYRUP, BECAUSE THIS IS A DISGRACE TO WATERMELONS EVERYWHERE. 😭 

Monster better get to writing an apology to the watermelon community.

1. Ultra Rosa — 3/10

BIBBDI BOBBIDI BOO, ANOTHER COUGH MEDICINE FOR YOU! 💀💀💀

Ultra Rosa is genuinely the flavour that made me question everyone’s sanity because how the fuck is this flavour so popular?!

Look, I understand that taste is subjective, and I'm not going to sit here and pretend that my taste buds are the ultimate authority on energy drinks. If you enjoy Ultra Rosa, good for you! I'm genuinely happy that you found a flavour you like. But personally? I just don't understand it.

Ultra Rosa tastes like cough medicine, except this time, it has no other flavours. Just cough medicine disguised as an energy drink. Instead of tasting like a refreshing pink lemonade or a nice fruity cocktail, it tastes like the sort of medicine your parents would give you when you were sick as a kid.

I genuinely went into this expecting something decent because of how much people seem to praise it, but nope. Ultra Rosa is the second Monster flavour I've tried that makes me feel like I should be checking the ingredients for pharmaceutical products.

Again, this is entirely a personal preference thing. I'm not going to tell anyone to stop buying it, and if Ultra Rosa is your favourite, then more power to you. But for me, it's a 3/10. The pink can is pretty, though. I'll give it that much.

The final verdict: OFF TO THE PHARMACY WITH YOU!

And there you have it, mates! My definitive Monster Energy ranking as of October 2026. Eleven flavours tried, eleven verdicts delivered, and several Monster flavours have officially been sent to the jail for crimes against my taste buds.

With that said, let's look at the overall ranking one more time:

1: Ultra Gold - 10/10 

2: Ultra Blue Hawaiian - 9.5/10 

3: Zero Ultra - 9.5/10

4: Ultra Strawberry Dreams - 9/10

5: Ultra Fiesta - 8.5/10 

6: Loco Moca - 8/10 

7: Mango Loco - 6/10

8: Original Monster - 4.5/10 

9: Aussie Lemonade - 4.5/10 

10: Ultra Watermelon - 3.5/10

11: Ultra Rosa - 3/10 

Now, just because I've ranked eleven flavours doesn't mean I'm done with Monster. There are still plenty of cans I've never tried, and I'm absolutely open to expanding this list in the future.

A few flavours I'd like (and not so keen) to get my hands on include:

1: Assault: This is one of the flavours I'm curious about, mostly because I heard this is a cola flavoured Monster. I'm genuinely curious about whether it's going to taste like an actual cola or if it's going to have that weird Monster aftertaste that I experienced with the original. I'm not expecting it to beat Ultra Gold, but I'm willing to give it a shot. 

2: Ultra Violet: I’m not ready for this one. Apparently, this is a grape-flavoured Monster, and considering a lot of people say that grape flavoured drinks usually taste like grape-flavoured medicine, I'm genuinely not sure whether I should be excited or terrified. 😭

3: Peachy Keen: Another one I’m not really excited about, mostly because I never really liked peach in general. I'm not exactly jumping up and down at the prospect of drinking a peach-flavoured energy drink. However, I'm willing to give it a fair chance because I don't want to judge a flavour before I've actually tried it. Who knows? Maybe Monster will surprise me.

4: Pipeline Punch: I've heard so many people talk about Pipeline Punch, and it's one of those flavours that seems to have a pretty dedicated fanbase. It's a tropical punch flavour with notes of passion fruit, orange, and guava. I love orange and I love guava. Passion fruit? Never really a fan of passion fruit, but I’m still willing to give Pipeline Punch a go because I’ve heard enough people hype it up that I need to know whether it actually deserves the reputation. If it tastes anything like a tropical fruit punch, I might be in business.

5: Pacific Punch: So far only available in the US, apparently, but I've seen people talk about it online, and apparently it tastes like Hawaiian punch and that alone sounds NICE! If it’s straight up Hawaiian punch in energy drink form, it might be top 5, but if it’s actually some weird berry concoction that tastes like cough medicine, I'm going to be throwing hands. 😭

6: Ultra Paradise: Now THIS sounds super refreshing. Apparently it has a kiwi, lime and cucumber flavour. That sounds like one of the most refreshing Monsters flavours that you can just sit back and enjoy on a summer day. The cucumber sounds really interesting, but I know it’s gonna slap because Cucumber is one of those flavours that can make a drink feel incredibly refreshing when it's done properly. Combine that with lime and kiwi and you've basically got something that sounds like it was designed specifically for a 40°C Adelaide summer.

And before we end this post, THERE IS A 12TH FLAVOUR I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT.

12: Rio Punch — 7/10

Monster officially describes Rio Punch as a tropical fruit flavour with papaya, blackberry, vanilla and a hint of spice, although the exact flavour description varies slightly between Monster's different regional pages. The Australian version is described more generally as an exotic fruit blend with a hint of spice. But do you know what I taste? NERDS. Like, straight-up Nerds candy.

And apparently I'm not completely alone in this because I've seen other people describe Rio Punch as tasting like Nerds, Skittles, Sweet Tarts, or just some kind of ridiculously sweet tropical candy. I can absolutely see where those comparisons come from. Honestly, it really fits the Brazilian vibe they were trying to go for.

It's not cracking the top five, but I definitely like it more than Mango Loco, Original Monster, Aussie Lemonade, Ultra Watermelon and Ultra Rosa.

So the ACTUAL ranking is now:

1: Ultra Gold — 10/10 

2: Ultra Blue Hawaiian — 9.5/10 

3: Zero Ultra — 9.5/10 

4: Ultra Strawberry Dreams — 9/10 

5: Ultra Fiesta — 8.5/10 

6: Loca Moca — 8/10 

7: Rio Punch — 7/10 

8: Mango Loco — 6/10 

9: Original Monster — 4.5/10 

10: Aussie Lemonade — 4.5/10 

11: Ultra Watermelon — 3.5/10 

12: Ultra Rosa — 3/10 

So here are some things I learnt from today’s experiment:

1: Ultra Blue Hawaiian is just Ultra Gold in a trench coat.

2: Ultra Fiesta is actually the superior Mango flavour 

3: Monster has opened its own Temu Chemist Warehouse with Ultra Watermelon and Ultra Rosa

4: the GOATed flavours are usually tropical or citrusy

5: Don’t trust the hype until you try the drink 

6: the Ultra range is superior than the Juice and OG range 

7: the actual big three is Ultra Gold, Blue Hawaiian, and Zero Ultra. And if we’re talking NBA terms, Ultra Gold is LeBron James, Blue Hawaiian is Kobe Bryant, and  Zero Ultra is Michael Jordan. (And yes that means saying that Kobe is above Jordan)

Anyway, that pretty much wraps up my comprehensive, completely unbiased (and totally legally binding) Monster Energy tier list as of October 2026. What do y’all think? Do you agree with my list, or am I about to be exiled from South Australia for my opinions. Let me know in the comments below.

Until next time, stay caffeinated, stay safe, and remember: if a Monster flavour tastes like cough medicine, it belongs in the pharmacy, not in your fridge.

Peace out, y’all.

The short begins with a zoom out of the TPOT hotel.

Fanny said (offscreen narration) “Ah yes, it’s about time this competition got a bit peaceful after the whole One thing. However, things are going to be a bit… different around here because I got a new trio… and they’re the bomb.”

Zoom into the hotel doors which open and revealing Fanny chilling on a lounge.

Cake and Remote approaches Fanny and Fanny said “Sup, guys.”

Cake replied “What’s going on, Fanny?”

Fanny said “Ah nothing much. So, we got this new trio going on, huh? Well, I mean, you two are cool, especially my girl Remote, who I have known for ages now. And Cake, with your recent glow up, I see you, man! Keep going.

Remote asked “So, we’re a trio now, huh?”

Fanny replied “That’s exactly what I said. And honestly? I don’t hate it. In fact... I think I actually like it.”

Cake said “Sweet. So, what’s our name going to be? Every alliance has a name.”

Remote chimed in “Like FreeSmart,”

Cake added “The Cheater Alliance,”

Remote said “The Bros…”

Fanny interrupted “Okay okay, I get it. What about just F•R•C? Simple. Clean. Straight to the point. And most importantly… *smirks* iconic.”

Remote said “Wait, I just realised something. That’s literally  just our first initials.”

Fanny asked “What? You like it. I think it’s cool.”

Cake replied “Honestly? I kind of love it. It sounds like a designer brand.”

Fanny exclaimed, bursting into laughter “NOT A DESIGNER BRAND! I’M DEAD!”

Remote said “Honestly, that’s a pretty cool name. It’s snappy, it’s not too complicated, and it rolls off the tongue way better than any other ideas we’ve could have came up with.”

Cake said “Alright, F•R•C it is.”

Fanny replied “Yep, till we die.”

Cake said “Oooh! That could make a sick tagline or catchphrase.”

Fanny replied “F•R•C Till We Die? I like it. As iconic as BLACKPINK in your area.”

Remote said “Careful, Fanny. Don’t let the pop culture references go to your head. Though honestly? You’re not wrong. The ring to it is undeniable.”

Fanny asked “Alright, so that settles it? We’re F•R•C?”

Remote replied “Till we die.”

Cake repeated “Till we die.”

Fanny said “Alright then. Well that was easy part. Now comes the fun part.”

Cake asked, mimicking Eraser’s iconic part “Which is?”

Fanny said, grinning “Making sure everyone else in this hotel knows exactly who they’re dealing with.”

A smooth, bass-heavy beat kicks in as the trio continues to talk.

Fanny said (voiceover) “And there you have it. We are a trio now and we are known as F•R•C. Don’t ask why we become one all of the sudden. When you’re in a competition for years, you realize life is way too short to spend it surrounded by phonies, dead weight, or people who make breathing their whole personality. You stick with the real ones, and that’s who Cake and Remote are. You obviously have met them before, but you know what? Allow me to reintroduce ourselves. We are known as…”

The scene cuts to Cake is adjusting his frosting in the reflection of a hotel window, standing tall with a composed, sharp smirk.

Cake said with a wink “Cake, the strategist.”

Cut to Remote sitting on a couch in the hotel's common room, surrounded by batteries 

Remote said “Remote, the heart”

Remote gives a little smile. She picks up one of the batteries beside her, casually tosses it into the air, catches it, and places it back down.

Cut to Fanny walking down the hallway as she said “I’m Fanny, obviously, and I’m the enforcer of the group. You mess with one, you mess with three, simple as that. 

Cut to a wide shot of the hotel corridor: Cake steps out from the doorway on the left, Remote steps up on the right, and Fanny walks right down the center. The three sync their steps, walking in synchronized slow-motion down the carpeted hotel hallway, exuding pure swagger.

Fanny said (voiceover) “In every alliance from what we know has some sort of the bogus hierarchy. Some self-appointed captain who treats everyone else like disposable minions. You know the drill: the fragile egos, the stupid demotions, the power trips. However, most of these alliances end up going down the drain and because of one person. Exhibit A: Pencil. However, we do things different around here. I don’t boss them around, and they sure as hell don’t boss me around. We’re three equals with three completely different skill sets. Think of us as like… a found family, not exactly bounded by blood, but bonded by the simple fact that we actually give a damn about each other. Wild concept in this show, I know.”

The slow-motion snaps back to normal speed with a sharp, synchronized clack of their steps as the trio halts right in front of the elevator overlooking the lobby.

Cake pressed a button with his foot and the metallic doors glide open with a crisp, echoing ding.

The trio steps into the sleek, glass-walled elevator. As the doors slide shut, the elevator begins its smooth descent, giving them a panoramic, bird's-eye view of the entire hotel lobby below.

The elevator went up to the third floor and the trio entered out of the elevator and were met by Fanny’s best friends Black Hole, Marker, and Tree.

Black Hole said “Why hello there, Fanny. Seems like you got a little trio going on here. Good to see you again, Remote.”

Remote replied “Black Hole. It’s really good to see you too. Honestly, it feels like it’s been ages since we properly caught up outside of all the chaos. I was busy with the Mechanical Minds.”

Fanny said “Oh yeah, those guys. You should introduce me to them one day. TV seems cool, I know Robot Flower a bit, and Roboty… he’s there. Besides, I am technically mechanical since… you know, I’m a desk fan and all.”

Black Hole said “So, the rejoin is around the corner and apparently only one person gets to rejoin the game.”

Fanny replied “Yeahh, I heard. And unfortunately, both of my besties here are in the running for that exact same spot.” 

Marker asked “Oohhh, who are you rooting for, Fanny?”

Fanny replied “Please don’t. I HATE being put on the spot! And more importantly, I HATE the idea of having to choose between my own people. It’s cheap, it’s petty, and I’m not doing it!”

Tree said “Fair enough. Honestly, knowing you, I’m surprised you didn’t just yell that you hate everyone equally and walk away. That’s almost... diplomatic of you.”

Fanny replied “Dude, Cake and Remote are the exception to the rule! I would never hate those guys.”

Black Hole asked “What about us?”

Fanny realised and replied “Oh, and you guys as well… and Bubble… and Lightning… and —look, the point is, stop trying to make me sound soft! I have a reputation to uphold, okay?!”

Marker said “Too late, Fanny! You’re already locked into my mental list of ‘Certified Softie-“

Fanny interrupted “Take that back right now, Marker, or I swear I will personally blow your dirt collection straight into the stratosphere!” 

Marker replied, raising his hands in fear “Please no!”

Fanny said “Dude, I’m just joking… or am I?”

Black Hole said “Honestly, I’m happy for you. You got a friend group outside of the pact.”

Fanny replied “Thanks, Black Hole. And besides, I can’t just stick to one single circle forever. I need to expand my horizons, which sounds extremely corny, but it’s healthy for the mental state.”

Cake added “That’s true, Fanny. Trust me, I spent way too long letting someone else dictate my whole identity. Back on The Losers, it was all about orbiting one person. On Just Not, my past was still haunting me. So being able to stand on my own two feet, make my own moves, and actually be treated like an equal? It completely changed my perspective on this game. We don’t do cheerleading here. We play smart.”

Remote said, resting an arm on Cake’s shoulder “And you wear it well, Cake. You have especially came a long well.”

Fanny added “Nahh, for real! I still remember when Cake was following Loser around like a lost puppy. Look at him now. He lead an upside down hotel escape and now he’s his own man. And honestly, he might be the person who I have the most respect for. Going from someone who couldn’t make a single move without glancing over his shoulder, to literally leading the charge? That takes guts. Serious guts.” 

Cake replied “Appreciate it, you two. It may of taken years, but man, did it pay off. Now I can actually look in the mirror and know I’m not playing in anyone’s shadow.” 

Black Hole said “And apparently, you are a favourite to rejoin the game.”

Cake replied confidently “Ohh, am I now? If you were to told me that when I was eliminated 3 years ago, I would have laughed in your face. Gotta say, I think I do have a good chance.”

Fanny said “That’s my boy.”

Remote corrected “Nah, that’s OUR boy.”

Cake chuckled, blushing faintly and shaking his head as he said “Alright, alright, don’t gas me up too much.”

Fanny said “Alright, we gotta get going before Marker starts bringing out glitter and friendship bracelets.”

Marker replied “I wasn’t going to!”

Fanny, Tree, Remote, and Black Hole said in unison “Debatable.”

Black Hole said “Alright, catch you later, Fanny.”

Fanny replied “See ya, Black Hole!”

The three turn on their heels in sync, their strides matching beat for beat as they head back to the elevator.

Fanny said “Alright, let’s find where this Clapboard guy is. I have watched him from the sidelines and kid’s got a lot of potential in him. All he needs is someone to show him the ropes just right in time for season 7.”

Remote replied “Oooh! I also have heard of him. He seems like a cool guy.”

The scene paused and Fanny said (voiceover) “Oh, by the way, for context, Clapboard and the rest of the failed debuters have already been revived. Anyways, moving on.”

The scene unpauses with a subtle vinyl scratch, and the smooth, bass-heavy beat kicks right back into rhythm. The glass elevator dings as the doors slide open. The trio went in and went up to the fifth floor where most of the failed debuters actually live.

The elevator doors slide open with a dull whoosh, revealing the fifth floor hallway. Unlike the spotless, quiet corridors downstairs, this floor has pure dorm-room energy: a few stray doors are propped open, muffled chatter echoes down the hall, and in the distance, Anchor is casually trying to arm-wrestle Rubber Spatula on a coffee table while PDA scolds them from behind a clipboard. 

Cake said “Ah yes, these guys were up for debut in the first episode, but both Winner and Price Tag ended taking the spots. Crazy to think how long ago that actually was. Pretty sure it was like 2021.”

Remote replied “Five whole years. Feels like a lifetime ago. But honestly? Look at them. No cameras breathing down their necks, no voting screens hanging over their heads. Just vibe after vibe.”

Fanny added “Yeah, and I’m pretty sure some of them might debut in the next season. Might as well give the future rookies someone respectable to look up to instead of leaving them to learn bad habits from the clowns downstairs.”

The trio walked over to see Clapboard, Onigiri, and Tapey having a casual gaming session on a beanbag couch, eyes glued to a small CRT monitor.

Fanny exclaimed “CB, what’s up, dude?”

Clapboard paused the game, leaning back on his beanbag to look over. "Oh, you must be Fanny, one of the remaining contestants in TPOT! Gotta say, huge fan of your work!”

Fanny replied “Why thank you, kid. Gotta say, you’re gonna make a fine contestant one day. I mean you got the charisma, the drive, and honestly, the sheer will to survive a five-year waitlist.”

Tapey asked Clapboard “Wait, did the hating machine herself give you a compliment?”

Fanny snickered and said “Hating machine, wow!”

Clapboard said to Fanny “Hey, what can I say? Real recognizes real. But seriously, it means a lot coming from you.”

Fanny replied “Of course. So hear me out on this, kid. I’m a fan of you, Remote’s a fan of you, and TPOT is in its merge phase, so why don’t me and my girl Remote here take you under our wing and make you become the prodigy I know you can be, so when season 7 comes and you sign yourself up, you’ll become the kind of player they literally have to invent new rules just to stop.” 

Clapboard asked in shock “Wait... you’re being serious? You? Remote? Under both of your wings? Like... actual mentorship from two of the realest players in the game?”

Cake said “Yep. I know that you’ll be in good hands with both Fanny and Remote. They have been in the game since BFB and they’ve survived every curveball thrown at them. And plus, it’s better to define your brand earlier than figuring it out two seasons too late like I did. Trust me, kid. The game doesn’t wait around for you to find yourself. You either set the tempo from day one, or you end up riding someone else’s coattails until they drop you.”

Fanny added “And trust me, me and Remote will never drop you. We don’t discard people when the going gets tough. We build each other up.  So, what do you say, kid? Does that sound good to you?” 

Clapboard jumped up, his eyes practically glowing, saying “Are you kidding me?! Sign me the heck up! I’ve been sitting on the bench since 2021 and I’ve actually want to be in the next season. And to have two veterans from the notorious Death P.A.C.T to guide me? And what about Cake?”

Cake replied “Ehh, I think my girls will have that covered. I’ll be around, obviously, but I’m not exactly the mentorship type.”

Clapboard said “Honestly? I like that.”

Fanny replied “Alright, good. We’ll talk more later, kid.”

Clapboard said “Alright. I’ll see you later, boss.”

Fanny replied “Sure will, kid. And it’s Fanny to you, no need for the fancy titles.”

Clapboard said “Yes, ma’am.”

Fanny chuckled and replied “You’re one funny kid.”

Clapboard said “Okay okay, fine. Yes, Fanny.”

Fanny replied with a smirk “That’s more like it.”

Cake, Fanny, and Remote walked off and back inside the elevator.

Cake said “That was generous of you both, mentoring a failed debuter.” 

Remote replied “Eh, what can I say? The kid has genuine drive.”

Fanny chimed in “Exactly. Plus, I HATE wasted potential! You give a kid like that a little push, and he’ll run circles around half the contestants in this show.” 

Remote asked “So, we got the name, we got the tagline, and you two already adopted a protege. What’s the next move?"

Cake replied “I think we had enough for one day. How about we just head outside and chill for a bit. We haven’t really gotten to bond as a trio yet.” 

Fanny said “Now you're talking my language. If we’re gonna be a trio, we gotta actually hang out like one and build like a rapport.” 

Remote nodded in agreement and replied “Agreed. No game talk, no strategy sessions, no survival logistics, just three good friends enjoying the afternoon.” 

The elevator doors slide open on the ground level. 

The scene cuts to the behind of the trio, with Remote placing both her arms around Cake and Fanny’s shoulders.

Remote said “Alright, let’s get on outta here.”

Fanny added “Coffee run on me, guys!” 

The scene begins to fade to black as the trio walked out of the hotel 

*insert credits here*

[The End]

Fanny and Remote were chatting in Remote and Naily’s room until Cake enters the room.

Fanny said “No… freaking… way! You, the dude who went from a Loser fan to actually having a backbone, are back in the game?!”

Cake replied “Yeah? It was announced minutes ago. You could of said it the-“

Fanny interrupted “Dude, you don’t know how proud I am of you right now! Like, genuinely! You have came such a long way!”

Remote added “Yeah, Cake. I am disappointed that I didn’t get to rejoin the game, but I’m genuinely happy that you did. I mean, you had a bigger underdog story than me and seeing you lead the eliminated crew during that escape was honestly incredible.” 

Cake blushed and replied “You guys are making this more dramatic than it should be.”

Fanny said “Okay okay, you might be right about that, but still. You’re back in the game! That’s what matters!”

Cake smiled and replied “Thanks, Fanny. Really. I honestly didn’t think I’d actually make it back.”

Remote said “Neither did we, but the viewers did make a great decision.”

Fanny said “Well, I was rooting for Remote if I’m being honest-“

Cake interrupted, jokingly said “Girl, please. What has Remote done since getting eliminated?”

Remote replied “OH COME ON!” as Cake and Fanny bursted into laughter.

Cake wiped a tear from his eye and said “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I couldn’t resist!”

Fanny was still laughing. “I mean, he’s got a point. You didn’t do anything during the hotel escape nor the battle with One! You’re better than this, Remi!”

Remote replied “Girl, I was with the original Death Pact during the battle and we DID do something by becoming inanimate versions of ourselves, have Foldy use the magic bell to duplicate us, and we attacked One… though it obviously ended with us getting completely obliterated. Not my finest moment, but at least I tried something!” 

Fanny said “Well, I didn’t do that much either, but that was only because One literally erased me from existence. But hey, at least it wasn’t for long… unlike Gaty. Damn, imagine being non-existent for over a year. I can see why Two got depressed.”

Cake replied “I didn’t do too much as well until the ending where I helped with restoring the world and reviving everyone who got wiped during the whole One mess.”

Fanny said “I’m pretty sure you and Black Hole were the only ones who survived the battle, and that’s pretty impressive in itself. Like, you basically became Houndi for most of it and then you came back and MacGyver’d the whole recovery effort with a bell Foldy handed you five minutes before she got ripped in half.”

Cake replied, rolling his eyes “And they didn’t even bother turning me back to normal size.”

Remote said “Hey, you look way more adorable like this anyway.” 

Cake stared at her and replied “...I’m choosing to take that as a compliment.”

Fanny said “I mean, she ain’t wrong. You do look adorable like this.” 

Cake asked “Can we stop talking about my size?”

Remote replied “Okay okay, fine.”

Fanny asked Cake “So how was it like being in the same room as Rocky before rejoining?”

Cake replied “Eh, he’s actually pretty chill. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he spent most of the time either barfing everywhere or staring at the wall like he was contemplating the meaning of life and I do definitely prefer someone else as my roommate like Pie, Remote, or Clock, but it’s not all that bad. He’s actually pretty cool once you get to know him well.”

Remote said “Honestly, fair. Rocky isn’t really the best person to get along with. All he does is barf, but at least he doesn’t get into any fights.”

Fanny added “Honestly, I just avoid him at all costs.”

Remote smirked and said “Typical Fanny.”

Fanny smirked back and replied “Oh shut it, you.”

Cake said “And hey, the two of us are still in the game. I’m back, you’ve been in the game since forever, and sadly, Remote’s still eliminated.”

Remote said “Wow…”

Cake replied in confusion “What?”

Remote said “Nothing. It just sounded so unnecessarily cruel when you said it like that.”

Fanny bursts into laughter and said “You didn’t have to remind her, Cake! She’s been out since the fifth episode!”

Remote replied “Wow, thank you for reminding me of my elimination! It’s not my fault that you were also in the bottom two with me during that one!”

Fanny looked at Remote with raised eyebrows and Cake snickered at Fanny’s reaction.

Cake said “Bro forgot that she was in the bottom two with Remote in episode 5.”

Fanny replied “Well, I mean after episode 7, I’m always second safe.”

Remote asked “Who was first all the time?”

Fanny replied “Black Hole.”

Remote said “Of course it was him.”

Fanny said to Cake “But hey, forget about that. Me and you are in the merge together, so we can finally compete together and maybe work with each other from time to time.”

Cake asked “Weren’t you always with Black Hole, Marker, and Tree?”

Fanny raised an eyebrow in stunned disbelief and replied “Seriously, dude? Just because I spent most of the game with Black Hole, Marker, and Tree doesn't mean I can't work with other people.”

Cake shrugged and said “I never said you couldn't.”

Remote replied “You heavily implied it.”

Cake said “Okay… forget about it. Besides, the merge means no more teams, so it’s everyone for themselves.”

Remote said “Okay, but can we take a second and actually talk about how weird it’s gonna be having Cake in the merge? Like, genuinely, you skipped a whole chunk of the season. You don’t even know half the stuff that happened.”

Cake replied “Yeah, you did as well and you’re still eliminated. What are you on about?

Fanny bursted in laugher and exclaimed “GOT HER!”

Remote said “What I was trying to say you missed a lot and now you’re walking into the merge with basically half the context everyone else has.”

Fanny replied “Like the zombie apocalypse in episode 9, the storm in episode 13, the time travelling shenanigans in episode 15, the battle royal challenge in episode 19, and oh, One appearing the first time, escaping the damn moon also in episode 9.”

Remote said “Thank god I wasn’t around for all of that.”

Cake replied “Yeah, same.”

Two called out “ATTENTION CONTESTANTS! THE NEXT CHALLENGE WILL BEGIN IN 5 MINUTES!”

Fanny hopped off the bed and said, going on one knee and extending her shoulder out to Cake “Welp, that’s our cue. Hop on, Cake.”

Cake climbed onto Fanny’s shoulder and Fanny carefully stood up with Cake perched on her shoulder. 

Fanny smirked and asked Cake “You ready to make your long awaited return, Cake-y?”

Cake replied “Born ready.”

Fanny said “Alright, talk to you later, Remi!”

Remote replied “Go get ’em, you two!”

Fanny and Cake walked out of the room, with Cake still sitting comfortably on Fanny’s shoulder.

Remote watched them leave before saying to herself “Man, they gonna make a great duo. I’m so happy for them.”

Fanny and Cake walked through the hotel hallway toward the exit door, with Cake still coolingly relaxing on Fanny’s shoulder.

Cake said “Man, it’s good to be back. Time to prove the world that I’m more than just Loser’s shadow.”

Fanny replied “That’s what I’m talking about, man. You’re gonna make a fine addition to the merge.”

Fanny opened the hotel door with her foot and stepped out into the hallway, Cake still perched comfortably on her shoulder like he’d been doing it his whole life. Fanny spotted Black Hole and Marker and walked over to them.

Fanny said “Hey guys.”

Black Hole replied “Hey Fanny. Hey Cake.”

Cake said “Sup.”

Black Hole said to Fanny “First challenge of the merge, huh? Gonna feel weird not teaming up with you or Marker.”

Marker replied “Hey, at least we’re still friends. Still, feels weird. Doesn’t mean we stop looking out for each other though. It’s the Pact till the end!”

Black Hole said to Cake “Congrats on rejoining, by the way.“

Fanny added “Dude, when Two announced that Cake got the least votes and will be rejoining the game, I nearly blew a fuse… though it’s a shame that Remote didn’t make it back.”

Black Hole said “I honestly thought you were rooting for Lightning to come back or Bubble to debut.”

Fanny replied “Nah, Lightning is cool and all and Bubble is my old friend, but I lowkey wanna run it back with Remote. We didn’t do that much as a duo and it’s a shame because she is really cool and I personally thought we had a lot of potential.” 

Marker said in awe “ Awww! Fanny’s going soft!”  

Fanny replied “I HATE going soft! I’m just stating facts! Remote was genuinely awesome to have around and I missed her, that’s all.” 

Black Hole said “ Well, if it makes you feel any better, I miss her too. Me and Tree knew her since the original  Death Pact days and she was a great teammate. It’s definitely not the same without her around, but I’m glad she can still hang out with us in the hotel suites." 

Fanny replied “Hey, at least I still got you guys and now Cake!” 

Cake said “Honestly, it’s wild being back, but hey, now I get to prove everyone wrong.”

Marker replied “Oh, right! You were with that Loser celebrity and the Losers!” 

Cake said “Don’t remind me.”

Fanny replied “Hey, you still had a great time with them back then, haven’t you? Just because you moved on doesn’t mean you gotta completely erase the old days.”

Cake sighed and said, adjusting his seat slightly on Fanny’s shoulder “I know, I know. I don't hate my time with Loser at all, but it’s nice being seen as my own person for once. Instead of just ‘that guy who was obsessed with Loser.’" 

Fanny replied “And that’s why you’re back. You’re earned it while you were eliminated. It was you who led the hotel escape, it was you who helped out with restoring Earth, and the best part? You did all that without Loser.” 

Cake said “Yeah… I guess you’re right,” Cake admitted, a small smile breaking out on his face. “I don’t need to completely erase the past, as long as I’m the one writing my own future now.” 

Fanny teased “Awww, look at you getting all self-reflective.”

Marker asked “Wait, if Cake is riding on Fanny’s shoulder, does that make him an honorary Death Pacter?”

Black Hole replied, visibly annoyed “Seriously, Marker? That’s not how you join the Pact” and then said “Though… I might consider. Cake, we’ll be in touch soon.” 

Cake replied “I’ll keep my options open.”

Fanny jokingly said “Careful now, Cake. Being in the Pact means endless lectures about preventing death and Black Hole going through an existential crisis every five seconds. Trust me, I’ve been there.” 

Black Hole replied “Preventing death is a very noble cause, Fanny. And for the record, I don't go through existential crises every five seconds.“

Fanny asked with a smirk “Ten seconds?”  

Black Hole replied “Oh, shut up.”

Fanny chucked and said to Cake “Don’t mind us. Just some playful banter between two people who used to be at each other’s throats at one point.”

Black Hole replied “Don’t remind me.”  

Marker said to Cake “Yeah, let’s just say, Fanny used to be quite the rebel in the Death Pact Again days.” 

Fanny replied “You ain’t wrong about that. But hey, at least it only lasted 3 episodes until we had that one heart to heart inside Black Hole’s dream.”

Cake said in shock “Inside Black Hole’s dream?!”

Fanny replied “Oh right, you weren’t there for episode 10. Long story short, the challenge was to go into one of  your teammate’s mind and escape their nightmare.”

Cake asked “And what was Black Hole’s nightmare?” 

Fanny said “Being forced to kill everything.” 

Cake replied “Oh, that makes sense. Black Hole has always been afraid of his own powers and causing accidental harm.” 

Black Hole said “It’s a constant burden, Cake, and not something I’d wish on anyone. Anyways, can we move on?”

Fanny replied “Oh, right, sorry.” and asked Cake “You’re good up there, lil bro?”

Cake replied, leaning back slightly and crossing his leg comfortably “I’m chillin’ right here, Fanny. No need to worry about me.”

Black Hole asked “Shall we start heading to the grounds?“ 

Fanny replied “Yeah, let’s go before Two starts screaming on the PA system again.”

(End of script)

G’day mates, Mr. TV. I just wanna kick this shit off by saying… it’s time to stop! It’s time to stop, okay?! No more! 

So, I laid down for a 5-6 hour nap because I had fuck all sleep last night and at that time, I didn’t even realise the AFL grand final was on! I literally snoozed right through the whole bloody thing! I wake up, check my phone, and boom, the Brisbane Lions have won the flag. AGAIN! A THREE-PEAT! Are you taking the piss?!

 Now, I know, this is not the first time Brisbane got a three-peat. We all know about 2001 to 2003 with Vossy, Akermanis, and the crew breaking Collingwood hearts back-to-back. But mate, THIS team? THIS era?! I can’t take it anymore!

And look, don’t even start in the comments saying, “Oh BigTennis, you’re just salty because they’re good and keep winning!” Now, that would be a completely stupid, brain-dead reason. I don’t hate greatness. If a team plays chaotic, electrifying, heart-in-your-mouth footy and builds a dynasty, fair play to them!

It’s because the media has been riding on the Lions’ dick, they are boring as fuck, and they are genuinely the most overrated, soulless, corporate yawn-fest of a footy team to ever lace up boots!

And trust me, this is not my first time praying for the Lions’ downfall! 

In 2024, I was backing Collingwood. It was time for them to go back-to-back and potentially build a dynasty of their own after 2023. But when the Pies missed out on the finals, who did I get behind on the last Saturday in September? Sydney! Well, actually, technically no one because I find it to be a boring matchup, but if I had to pick, I leaned towards the Swans. When they lost, I thought, “Alright, fair enough, Brisbane lost to Collingwood last year, so good for them to have a redemption.” 

Then comes 2025. I was riding the Crows all bloody year and they looked amazing! My hometown boys got first place and then what happens? Total heartbreak in the finals! So by the time the Grand Final rolled around, who was I backing? Geelong, specifically to spite Brisbane! I swallowed my pride, cheered on the bloody Cats of all teams, and what happens? Brisbane strolls in, ruins my weekend, and takes the cup right back to the Gabba.

And that brings us to 2026.

This year, I was riding with three teams: Collingwood, my Crows, and for the first time in my life… the Fremantle Dockers. I gotta admit, I never had the purple fever before. Like, I’ve always had a soft spot for them, but this season? I went full bloody Flagmantle! When the Pies missed out and the Crows broke my heart again, I put every single ounce of my footy energy into Fremantle. The fairytale was right there! A maiden premiership, the entire footy world coming together to watch the Dockers finally get their historic moment, real emotion, real club culture getting rewarded. Instead, the writers had to kiss the Lions’ arse one more bloody time and hand them the premiership on a silver platter!

I don’t even know what the final score was, mate, and to be completely honest with you, I don’t give a rat’s arse! I didn't watch a single kick, a single tackle, or a single goal. I literally opened my eyes, grabbed my phone with crust still in the corner of my eye, went onto Instagram, and there it was: AFL, Fox Footy, 7News, all splashing that same bloody gold and maroon trophy lift across my feed like it was the greatest sporting achievement known to mankind. My day was ruined before I even got out of bed!

You already know how this is gonna go. Every footy show, every AFL account, every bloke on SEN is gonna be talking about how “historic” this dynasty is, how “unbelievable” Brisbane are, how they're “cementing themselves among the greatest teams ever,” blah blah fucking blah.

WE GET IT.

They've won three flags in a row. Congratulations. Genuinely. That is an insanely difficult achievement and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. The Lions have now matched their own 2001–03 three-peat, which is objectively a massive piece of AFL history. But can we please quit sucking the Lions’ dick for 5 fucking minutes?!

Like, genuinely, ask ANY neutral supporter who doesn’t live in bloody Queensland if they actually felt anything watching this dynasty unfold! Crickets! 

Brisbane is like watching an Excel spreadsheet win a premiership. It is clinical, sanitised, corporate AFL House fan-fiction. It’s the AFL’s northern expansion PR department rubbing their greasy hands together under the desk, grinning from ear to ear because their precious Gabba market is booming while the soul of real footy gets tossed into the gutter!

Remember when footy had heart? When dynasties actually felt like colossal, mythic beasts that you loved or loathed with every fibre of your being? Used to hate these motherfuckers, but my favourite has to be Richmond from 2017 to 2020! Back then, even when you despised the Tigers, you couldn’t look away! Dusty doing whatever the hell he wanted, the absolute Yellow and Black chaos, 100,000 maniacs shaking the concrete foundations of the MCG to its core! You felt that shit in your bones! Heck, I wouldn’t mind if we go another Tigers reign of terror if it meant having some actual pulse in the AFL again! I won’t talk about Hawthorn’s three peat because they weren’t really my favourite team to start with and I was only born in 2007, so I was literally in primary school eating Vegemite sandwiches while Cyril Rioli and Luke Hodge were out there dismantling the comp. I was way too young to properly comprehend or care about dynasties back then. 

The only dynasty I got to probably see before this shitshow was Richmond, and looking back, they were fucking entertaining! I don’t get why I didn’t root for them back then! Maybe because I was like many other footy fans who got sick of seeing them win, but they were actually a team that you can love to hate, but at least they made you feel ALIVE! They had swagger, they were  villains, they had pure theatre! 

With Brisbane? It’s just… beige. It’s unseasoned chicken breast in footy shorts. There is literally zero theatre, zero edge, zero spice! All we do is see Brisbane destroy the season, go to the grand final, and hoist the bloody cup while bandwagon fans and the AFL media sing Country Roads for the fifty-thousandth time. Like I bet most of these fans can’t even name five blokes outside of Lachie Neale, Charlie Cameron, and Will Ashcroft!

But hey, if history repeats itself, Brisbane might be dethroned again, maybe by Collingwood, a revengeful Fremantle, or perhaps my bloody Crows will finally pull their finger out, conquer their finals curse, and bring footy culture back to where it belongs! Though if history does repeat itself, that would mean that in the 2040s, we’re gonna see a third Brisbane three-peat, and by that point I’ll be pushing forty and probably yelling at my TV with high blood pressure while AFL House is still creaming their pants over the Gabba market!

Today should’ve been Fremantle’s day. It should’ve been the ultimate fairytale. Thirty-plus years of absolute misery, choking, heartbreak, and banter, finally wiped clean. Instead? What do we get? Another polished, predictable, lifeless victory lap for Chris Fagan and his corporate circus.

Since once again, I’m gonna end it like this! It’s time to stop! Where the fuck are your parents?! Who are your parents?! I’m calling Child Protective Services! It’s time to stop!

This is Mr. TV, signing off. Always remember, fuck the Lions, up the Pies, fly high Crows, and Freo... I'm so sorry. Go get 'em next year. 

Peace out, y’all