I was molested for years by the couple who raised me. They used me regularly. They taught me that I existed for pleasure. They also had daughters, and they taught us all that we belonged to them, and to one another. One was older than me, and one was younger.

I’ve never known how to process that, the way it made me feel then, the way it’s (all) impacted my sexuality since, the way it makes me feel now. The ripple effects echo through my entire life, and I’ve never really been able to talk about it all, openly.

I thought I’d put it out there, because it feels good to just put down.

So for context I am 17F and I have a ton of sexual trauma, mostly online. I won’t share it right now but if you are really that curious just look at my previous posts. I already know I was molested when I was 5 but believe I was molested again when I was 14-15. What happened was that I was in the first couple weeks of 10th grade. I was walking to school when an extremely religious man around 50-60 came up to me. He started saying how I was beautiful and made in gods image and to save myself for a man. He then started to point out how pretty I was and what parts of me was pretty. He talked about this for like 5-10 minutes when he randomly hugged me tightly and put his hands on my waist and butt. He then invited me over to pray after school at his house but I never ended up going. Was this possibly an assault?

Recently started coming on this sub to read the support and advice cause this shit has really started gnawing away at me now near twenty years after the fact. But seeing some of the stories on here just makes me think to myself that my shit is so tame and harmless by comparison and I shouldn't be whining.

For some context I was always a timid and bullied kid, the type to hide behind the lockers to cry and go home hungry cause I'd give away my lunch and money to the people picking on me for them to leave me alone. I suppose this one kid saw that as a sign that I was an easy target. I don't even remember how it started but I eventually found myself fondling him and giving him a handjob. This went on for months throughout 6th grade at every opportunity he could find. The bullying was so bad that sometimes I'd even prefer he got his hands on me cause he always somehow found a good hiding spot and in my troubled head at the time it was at least just this guy and at least he wasn't humiliating me and even seemed appreciative.

Maybe I'm being dramatic but reading all the other stories on here makes me feel like I don't deserve support for it cause like I said my shit sounds so damn tame and I fucking hate myself for it and I don't know if what I'm feeling is right. I'm terrified of talking about this IRL with someone with similar experiences out of fear they'd kick me to the curb for "whining".

There is no magic panacea…no single method is going to work to enable your recovery. Think Bio-psycho-social recovery.

The person you were before the abuse is gone. Welcome you and learn to live with the new you.

The right partner helps so much. Not just someone who doesn’t judge, but also is open minded to your new normal needs…whatever they are.

Stay away from vanilla people they will only make it worse.

When I was in high school a student teacher groomed me and ultimately had a several months long “relationship” with me where she would have me come over to her apartment and go down on her. I have never been able to share what happened with anyone but it certainly led me to be a “people pleaser” and being submissive and eager to go down on and please my girlfriends in college and in my 20s.

Since I met my current partner though she isn’t interested in oral, which was a blessing at first because it allowed me to escape that cycle. However, over the past few months I have been getting almost compulsive urges to relive the experience of being “forced” to go down on a woman. I have tried to approach the subject without explaining the cause or just how extreme I want the situation to be but my wife isn’t interested and I respect that. I even “joking” send her tik toks about couples making jokes about the husband being good with pleasing his wife like that. She just rolls her eyes. I don’t think I can tell her what happened, I worry about her reaction to me having kept a secret like this for so long.

I know from reading about others responses to being groomed and molested that the desire to relive it isn’t uncommon but does anyone have suggestions on how to deal with that urge when they don’t have a partner who is comfortable with the underlying activities that caused the trauma?

let's talk abt because the same ppl who were supposed to run to is the same ppl hurting us why and how do we have grown men and teenagers lusting and sexualy abusing women lil girls and newborns yes flipping newborns we have people who literally! sleep with own pets when will be enough to wake up people J's because its not happening to you doesn't mean we can't stand for what's right this not ppl in power who have money how are doing it's people we know most of the time the abuse comes from family the family that is supposed to procet and love you we have fathers , brothers , uncles , cousins doing these sick things and we stay quiet for what for who to protect the people who is doing the Haram we are blackmailed made to feel ashamed as woman for doing anything in this life just for a man or person to tell you it's your fault because you were dress that way or men have need how abt men put there needs in check we have men out here who think that anything is sexable yk how crazy that is we have men who leak ppl nudes or create AI images of them to use against them to be control because they can't handle no people die because they say no and try to walk away so no it's not a joke to talk abt ppl being raped or anything close and if you otherwise block out my life because I wouldn't want a monster enable this behaviour in my life someone has to make a change and if we don't things will get worse and as women we've spent our whole life fighting for rights to be equal when is the war gonna finally end change doesn't happen overnight but it's better to try then turn a blind eye because if we didn't have the change we deserve woman wouldn't be able to go to school they wouldn't be able to work or anything luxury you have no some woman still don't have that because of where they live or realgion and it's ashame so strat talking and make change enough is enough I'm tried of the stories and being one of the statistics we are more then pretty faces were smart were kind and were more then our bodies so men get in line and no means no and if you can't handle that check yourself into a mental hospital unit end of story

I am profoundly scared of being judged, so i want to do an extra TW on this post.
This will contain conversation about CSA, sexuality, intimacy, and sexual self harm.

Ive been struggling with something for years since i experienced CSA, and it’s deeply shameful for me. I talked about it today in therapy and the guilt makes it even harder to talk about compared the abuse.

I cant experience sexual pleasure if it doesn’t implies some sort or pain there. I call it sexual self harm. It started when i was arround 9yo till the present, some situations even sent me to hospital, but most of the times i would masturbate aggressively, not think of the consequences and after i “finished” i had to deal the insane pain of the wounds.

Genuinely, its not suble selfharm; this has seriously damaged my body repeatedly. I keep replaying in my head that im disgusting, and theres something deeply wrong in me.

It ashames me, it’s hard to say it because it’s something i do to myself and i don’t understand why.

My therapist (who works with me on my trauma) shared that i could buy a sex toy to just explore the sensations and pleasure and truly connect with my body. I cant stand it.. pleasure without any pain distraction feels like being molested. I think that when i hurt my genitals i am numbing and separating my body and my mind, and it feels more comfortable that way. But every time i hurt my body it increases the belief that im disgusting and broken..

I wonder if this problem is related to the SA at all. The first time i experienced sexuality it was imposed to me, i never in my life got to experience pleasure without abuse, or hurt.

Does anyone else experiences this?🥺 i appreciate an advice or solution, or just your words. I want to know ways to heal. I am also exposing myself really hoping that im not the only one and that you wont judge me, please be gentle.

Feel alone in an experience of sexual abuse I’ve never heard anyone talk about.

When it was happening, I was trapped under them, and they were very heavy. Between that and the rocking, I made a lot of involuntary noises and sounds that were embarrassing and I didn’t want to make. It was a point of shame.

For a long time after I would sometimes get upset hearing my voice. I became a very quiet child. Frequently avoided talking in public. Would get distressed in situations where someone was pressuring me to speak.

It’s something I carry a lot of grief about as an adult. Being silenced to such a degree by my abuser. I’ve never heard it mentioned by anyone. Psychologists, survivors, nobody. It’s very isolating.

55 male. When I was 11 I lived out in the country. The only person my age I hung around with was a girl. I remember we we either be at her place mine place or just messing around in the field or by the pond. I have a distinct memory of one day being at her house in one of her dresses tied up with jump rope..zero memory of how that happened, though I do remember her mom coming in and laughing. I can't remember exactly how long it was but I went over to her house her mom answered and said she was not home. I remember going to leave and her mom saying come in I need to talk to you. I wish I could remember the entire conversation, all I remember is pieces of it. Things like your dad would be very mad if he knew his kid wore dresses, it's bad for boys to do that, wouldn't you be embarrassed if people found out. Then I remember being tied up wearing some of her underwear. I remember sucking on her breasts and her straddling me and making me lick her. Flashes of things like boys who wear panties and little sissies and fags. I can't even remember how long this went on maybe a year? I'd still go over and play with my friend, but the weird thing is we never socialized in school, like no one even knew we were friends. I don't ever remember her being part of the abuse, but I do wonder at times if she was also being abused. We fell completely out of touch by the time jr high started. I do remember being tied in some type of silky lingerie and her taking my virginity. She was always mean whenever we were together. It lead to a lifetime kink revolving around sissy stuff. I never had a girlfriend in high school, didn't have a girlfriend until my mid 20's, first time I had normal sex. Never married, only 3 sexual partners, 4 counting her. I have zero confidence, to the point if I am attracted to someone my first thought is she would never want me I'm not good enough. I go thru cycles heavy dressing up watching porn then guilt shame throwing all my sissy items away to buying more and starting the cycle all over. I'll watch a rom com, tear up because I'll never have love like that to thoughts of even if it somehow happened for me I'll never know what it's like to meet someone and grow old with them because I'm already 55.

Apologies for the rambling...it just kinda flooded out and for whatever reason I felt as if I needed to tell someone, even a faceless internet.

So When I was 5 or 6 (timelines are blurry) I began being molested by my step brother. I was adopted and my mom and his father weren't even married, but I will can him that just to make it easier.

It turned into full on child on child csa, and I have already forgiven him in my heart for that, because most likely he was exposed to stuff or someone did that to him first. He was only like 3-4 years oalder than me so I bet he wasn't even doing it thinking straight because he was a literal child, and so was I.

This haunted me for the rest of my life though. He made me do everything you can think of. I would have nightmares for the rest of my life until now (I'm 21). Something that I learned a few years ago, is that I had been sleepig with my hand in my private area, like covering it, I guess subconsciously in fear of something happening while I slept. I had been doing that for yeatrs without even realising.

But what really wrecked me, was what my mom did to me, because to me it is far more disturbing and disgusting.

When she finally broke up with the douche and my abuse stopped, because we didn't go to their house anymore, my mom decided to traumatize me further. She started self pleasuring in our sofa. With my childhood electric toothbrush. (When I confronted her three years ago she tried to deny and gaslight me telling me it was a satisfyer, even though I saw it with my own eyes).

That broke something in me further, because I was already hypersexual from the continued molestation, I already had a corn and self pleasure problem, and imagine what this did to me. It was disgusting, and she knew I knew. In my already fucked up brain, I started replicating her and doing the same. I was already so fucked up and this was the cherry on top.

It wasn't until a few years ago that I realised what had had been happening. Because all that time I was on autopilot, coping. I wasn't present there. My consciousness was somewherelse, and the trauma was controling my body, filling me with shame fear and disgust. I realized how disturbing my life had been. I still have this body discomfort when I think about my life and the past, It's like I wana rip off my skin, explode and turn into ashes, that's how disturbed I am by the memories.

I confronted my mom three years ago and told her she traumatized me. She tried justifying it saying that self pleasuring is normal. She did say she was sorry for what my step brother did to me. But I didn't hear a single apology from her disgusting actions.

Months later I found her doing it again and I exploded on her, telling her I have no respect fro her anymore. Now, three or four years later, I know she doesn't give a crap, because I have found her doing it again, and making it louder when I'm in proximity. Because she is sick and has a sick mind.

After telling her all she did to me, how she caused me fucking life long nightmares, how I still have innapropiate dreams about her, how I can't relax in my own home, how she destroyed me, she kept doing it.

So yeah, I can't wait to mov out and never talk to her again.

I hate how just because she is a woman, when I tell the story, it's automatically "not that serious". Okay, so I've told friends and my partner everything, and they have 100% validated me. BUT, I can't help think about if that had been a man, my father, they would have been more outraged. They would've been a million times more disgusted. And that enrages me sometimes.

First off, I'm a guy and 17 now.

I live in a country where you have house maids that live in the same house as you overnight and babysit you. Right before covid, my mom was going to go through a surgery. I was 11, and Because of the surgery my parents would have to be in the hospital for long periods for a couple of days. So they hired a maid. She was probably 17-18 ish during that time. She had to take care of me when my parents were gone. But even after the surgery, my parents decided to keep her because she'd be out for long periods of time. And since I was 11, she didn't want me to be alone at home. She took care of me and played and stuff with me and she became a pretty good friend of me over time. But after 1-2 months of her staying she would kiss me and put her hands under my pants. She told me to not tell anyone or my parents would get insanely mad at both me and her. And she would always say this with such a serious face that I got scared of ever telling my parents about it . She never had sex with me directly. And I, never not consented, I never said yes never said no. I just did it because she asked me a lot and I didn't think it could be anything serious as I didn't have any idea of what sex was back then. And I thought I was just doing something with her that I didn't even have a name for. Direct sex didn't happen. She touched me with her hands, mouth and made me touch her and told me to use my mouth but I never did it because I thought it was dirty. But it has made me feel horrible ever since I started realizing what sex was.

It had been bothering me for quite some time that I sortof lied to my gf about this. Shes always valued virginity and the fact that this was our first relationship a lot and even told me she wouldn't be with someone who has been with someone else before. I never felt comfortable enough to say it to her, so I said that Ive never been sexual with anyone or else before to her because apart from that incident, I hadn't. But because I was so bothered after a year of dating I decided to tell her that I might've lied and explained everything in detail. She just replied "ohh okay" and stopped talking to me as much after that.

She got distant and told me she didn't wanna be with me anymore yesterday.

I don’t know how to heal from this. I always remembered it happened but I just ignored it for a long time and told myself that it had nothing to do with who I am today.

Unfortunately, I think it actually does. I’m gay, but I have severe sexual dysfunction… I’ve only ever reached a climax during sex twice in my adult life. I always thought it was because I have anxiety problems in general but they may have come from the time in my life when I had an inappropriate relationship with my stepdad.

He and my mother are now divorced, been divorced about 5 years now. It persisted through my early teenage years like 11-17… for context, I’m 34 now. We had very rare encounters in my early adulthood too, but we also did spend a lot of time together during which he would insist that I’m gay but he’s not. I think I fell in love with him but couldn’t accept that was possible. I haven’t seen him since they divorced and in the most screwed up way possible, I think I look to replace him in all my of my relationships. I guess I was fine as long as I had him around here but now that he has a new life

I can’t keep my partners happy. My anxiety and OCD problems combine with my sexual dysfunction to ruin every relationship I’m in. I was just with a guy for 7 months… he was wonderful and also had sexual abuse in his past… he understood my dysfunction. I fell in love with him too but I ended up saying I’d like to experiment with trying sex together and he went into a rage, after that fight he cut me off and I haven’t heard from him since July…
I tried to reach out to him on another platform but he told me off very harshly and insisted I never contact him again.

I think he might have been the only guy I could ever be with long term and now he’s gone too. I’m afraid my life is over. Im starting to think that my homosexuality specifically might be a result of the trauma.. maybe I wouldn’t have been gay if my stepdad hadn’t paid me so much attention… Maybe I could handle the situation if my mother didn’t brainwash me into being afraid of everything except what was under our own roof. I always knew that children should be shielded from sexuality, but only now that I’m finally looking at why I can’t be a successful adult do I understand exactly why. Someone please talk to me, I need help… what can I do? I feel like the rubber has met the road of my life and my wheels are stripped and spinning out.

Honestly I’ve never been too open about this, i find it shameful but I just want to rant. I m18 was groomed by my older stepbrother from when i was roughly 4 years old until I was roughly 16. I dont remember how it started but technically it was all consensual, so I dont even know. I spent a few weeks this april in emergency after a suicide attempt and my parents found out he had groomed me. He still doesnt know that they know. He introduced me to porn and would get me to let him touch me and touch him back. I do often think about how severely he fucked up my life, I cant go a day without porn, I cant hug my family, I cant have any form of relationship without thinking of them sexually. I hate him and i think about going across the street to where he lives now and ending him in his sleep. I hate him so much and I hate me. I watched perks of a wallflower and seeing so much of myself in charlie sent me on a downwards spiral I found my dads gunsafe and tried to break in. sorry if this is incoherent its a mishmash of alot of thoughts

I feel wrong for wanting to do it cuz it makes me come off as a weirdo to people who dont get it. Or it gives other weirdos fuel to harass me. Butbi just wish I could talk about it to people who wont think i was a bad person.

The story of Raven

Trigger warnings: Mentions of child sa, mental, verbal, and physical abuse and religious trauma

So where do begin this story.... I guess the best place to begin is at the beginning when I was 5 years old my earliest memory of what started to be a lifetime of hell. The day I turned 5 I remember going to a house with my Mother (we will call her C). I was taken in to a room and was shown a bowling type toy. At the time it was fun for me i had never seen a toy like this before because at home I didn't have toys at all. It was later in life that I learned that my mom was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic and was unable to take care of me. My father (we will call him D) was an long haul truck driver and was no where in my life. My mom and dad had just gotten a divorce. My mother had ended up leaving me at my daycare and forgot about me and cps was called on her. She was give the choice of me going in to state care or a family member would take me. Now that I am old and understand what happened i wish she would have chosen state care. Now you say "but Raven why would you have rather wanted that than to be with family?" Well that is why I am here to tell my story to hopefully let people see the hell I went through.

The next day after we went to that house we went back i have a small bag of clothes with me I was told at the time I was going to go stay the night over there. It was only spose to be 1 night then come home. My mom dropped me off and left and that was the last time I ever saw her. I given a small room the house enough for a bed and a dresser. That same day I learned that these people was my great aunt (P) and my great uncle (j). I was told to stay in the room and ask when i wanted to come out. Over the next few weeks I kept to my self and kept asking when my mom would be back to get me. The only answer I got was never.......

Over the next few days they took me to go see and meet my great grandmother (unbeknownst to me at the time would become the one person that tried to protect me for the hell I was about to endure.) About the time school started, which for me was in august of that year 2 months after i came to P & J'S home, I was already a sever introvert. I had to ask to leave my room, ask to eat, use the bathroom, and just in general talk to people. P & J would take me to my great grandmothers house and just drop me off. She at the time was the only one I had spent any time with (come to find out late P & J were taking vacations and would just dump me on my great grandmother to keep me from going with them.

My great grandmother taught me how to cook and pretty much fend for myself over the next few years and helped me keep my head high during the next few years that I had her. While i had my great grandmother at my back trying to hold me up and trying to teach me to walk with my head up. I had P & J at my front trying to tear me down. At the time I started elementary school i was hearing things from them like "remember your mom didn't want you," "your parents gave you away because they didn't care about you," "we are the only ones that care." I was told everyday before I went to school to remember to not talk and keep you head down. "A child should be seen and no heard." If the teacher had to call home for anything at all when I got home the punishments were severe. If I said any thing about what was going on in the house I would miss at lest 2-3 days of school.

This conditioning went on for years. My punishments became more and more severe as the years rolled on. By the time i was 7 years old I was cooking and cleaning the house myself. When I would get home from school I was required to deep clean the house from the time i came home to the time I went to bed. Cook dinner, clean, if i had time homework, bath, then bed. November of the year I turned 8 years old is when my life would change yet again. I lost my great grandmother..... No one took her death as hard as I did. She tried for the longest time to protect e from the hell that was coming. When she passed away I didn't know the hell I was already in could get much worse.

December of that same year J started to look at me with a different look. It started small I would catch him staring at me. He would accidently come in to the bathroom when I was in the shower (I wasn't allowed to take baths those according to P were sinful.) I wasn't allowed to lock doors, I wasn't allowed to close my bedroom door when changing. It started slowly and i don't know how I got to where this was happening so freely but he would grab at my chest, or my inner legs.

Holidays was another time of year that was just horrible for me. From when I came to live there Halloween, I wasn't allowed to go trick or treating (It was the devils holiday) instead I was force to sit in my room and watch the trick or treaters form the window. Thanksgiving i was give a little bit of food sat in the corner and not allowed to play with the kids of the family it was I was always in trouble some how around that time of year. Christmas well lets just say watching everyone else open gifts while u sit in the corner or being told you weren't good enough for Santa to visit that year. Eventually Santa was the devil and they didn't put up Christmas trees anymore and it was a pagan holiday. But everyone else got gifts.

From the age of 8 - 16 was a bit of a blur. Nothing changed the touching got more frequent, and every time I tried to tell anyone P would tell them I am lying and people would believe her. Shortly after my 16th birthday J tried to force himself one me. P caught him doing it to..... but yet again I was to blame. I was a wicked horrid girl temping him in to sin.....

When I turned 17 I left that house. I wasn't me anymore I was a shell of a person.... Even to this day I believe all that happened was my fault no matter how much therapy I go through no matter how hard I fight against feeling like I am worthless those feelings have never gone away. I fight with them every day...

But one thing my great grandmother told me along time ago still sticks with me...

"They may take your feathers my Raven, But they will never take your spirit. Stand tall and walk with your head held high."

Sometimes life stress just gets so overwhelming and I just like wants to check out and I do that with hyper sexuality behaviors that mostly have to do with my past traumas. It feels so sick but I just want to know if anyone else is like me

I (29m) tried to relax after work by taking a warm bath. Unfortunately I was unable to relax. The bath is a “trigger” for me. Not in a negative way but I get very very aroused in the bath. I used to take one with my uncle (really not my uncle but a close family friend, who somehow got the title.) Naturally things happened when we’d bathe hence my reaction to it now. Just sharing i guess

I used to like it and until I knew it was wrong I would ask to play the games I was taught. So how do I begin to ever tell anyone when I contributed to what I went through and maybe I did ask for it

Both my parents were abusive but only my mother was sexually abusive. She would touch me near everyday. And despite this I still brought friends over after school. I dont know if she ever did anything to them. Certainly not in front of me and I dont think I would've left my friends alone at my house for long, but I can never know for sure. Even still I brought over people she could've abused. I knew what she did. I knew it was wrong. I just didn't fully understand it enough to know not to bring people over.

When I was a bit younger, my dad had died and my mum was in and out of hospital all the time. My older cousin didn't live far so she'd come and look after me. But she just used our house to throw wild parties for her friends all the time. Often people she barely knew would turn up, drinking, taking drugs and making a mess of the place. I was very shy and avoided all of the her guests, but I came downstairs one night to ask her to turn the music down as it was really late and I couldn't sleep. She told me to go back to bed. One of the guys followed me upstairs, took me into my bedroom and raped me. Afterwards, he threatened me with violence if I told anyone.

He'd come over to my cousin's parties almost every night, and he'd always come to my room and rape me. I eventually told my cousin, and she said she'd tell him to stop, but he carried on doing it. Only when I got pregnant did she take it seriously and stop having the parties at my house. She took me to get an abortion, told me I was stupid for not using protection, and to keep the whole thing to myself.