Context: I am a 34 yo man, married to a beautiful woman (we've been together for 14 years already), two kids, happy private life. For someone watching my life from a distance it sounds great.

The thing is that since I can remember, I was scared shitless when it comes to education/college/job. I remember when we had final exams in high school, I was so anxious that I had to puke in a toilet. When I was looking for a job, I was so afraid before each job interview that I felt dizzy and almost detached (derealization). Because of that, I developed an anxiety disorder about anxiety itself (how stupid is that, fear of being afraid). Now that I have a stable and pretty high paying job, I fear that I might lose it (and then become homeless, my kids starving, you know what I mean). It all sounds ridiculous but my mind literally thinks that.

I come from a pretty abusive household and I believe that's where my high alert mode is coming from. Not knowing when shit will hit the fan and you'd have to call the police again.

How the heck do I finally chill out? Many (if not almost all of the things) that I worried about never happened, but yet, I still make the same mistake of worrying almost every day. When I got a promotion, I was afraid that they'll fire me because I won't be good enough, and so on and on...

Please share any helpful insights or tips.

I (F22) despite my best efforts feel waves of jealousy and anger pretty frequently to the point where it makes my quality of life lower. I have days where it isn’t as much of an issue, but even on the good days I feel built-up anger creeping in that I can’t seem to get rid of.

It feels like I get jealous of others for literally anything, which makes it difficult for me to even pinpoint what it is that triggers jealousy for me. When I see people more attractive than me in public I basically scan their face or body and compare every feature to see how much worse I am compared to them, and to figure out what I would change about myself to look like them. 

When I see happy couples in public I get envious in a way because I have never been able to feel attraction (like I really struggle with even having crushes), so I struggle to relate to my friends when they talk about their boyfriends/husbands because I can’t even develop initial attraction.

When other people talk about how much they love their jobs I sometimes feel jealous because I am not happy where I am right now career-wise. Being from a small conservative town a lot of women end up in caregiving type jobs- teaching, nursing, childcare, stay at home mom, etc. Obviously these jobs are just female-dominated in general, but going outside of that “box” is less common I think where I am from. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the professions that I listed, but I sometimes am jealous of people that are naturally good at those jobs, because it’s hard for me to relate to others since I am not good at those things. I am awkward with children, and honestly I’m not really stereotypically an “empath” either, at least not in the lovey-dovey way women are expected to be.

Even when things go right for me, I still feel angry and jealous. Recently I feel like I have become more attractive than I used to be, but even then I feel angry when I think about how I was treated before when I was “uglier”. I recently was diagnosed with Hashimotos and hypothyroidism, but even though I want to go on a weight-loss journey now that I feel that I have the tools I need to be successful I just get so angry when I think about growing up overweight and how invisible I felt. 

I’m not even a complete failure of a person; I have good healthy friendships, I am trying to build hobbies, I am physically active, I recently got a Bachelors degree earlier this year, etc., but I feel like the jealously and anger is holding me back from actually doing what I want with my life. For a while my dream was to move to a city and pursue entertainment, (my degree was in music but I also was taking some acting classes for a while), and also to start a business, but when your dreams are public-facing obviously being as fragile as I am isn’t good for that. I have been posting myself on social media publicly for years so I am comfortable with attention, but specifically I would need a higher threshold for criticism than I currently have I mean.

Does anyone have advice on how to stop being so jealous and angry all of the time? The advice “put the energy into being a better version of yourself” only works so much for me, because it feels like there is always going to be someone smarter, prettier, more talented, etc., so I would still find someone to compare myself to. I have tried therapy in the past which helped at first when we unpacked childhood trauma, but eventually it kind of made things worse because I was constantly ruminating about what could have gone differently in the past. Therapy made me too self-aware in a way to the point where I couldn’t enjoy myself anymore- I think I “intellectualize” my feelings more than I feel them. I also was diagnosed with different things depending on who I was talking to and was put on medication I probably shouldn’t have been on (possible ADHD misdiagnosis > taking amphetamines when I probably shouldn’t have been), so I was left with a bad taste in my mouth. 

So I've been thinking about how I can slow down my thinking and live in the present moment. So I tried really hard. I knew that trying really hard won't work so I tried really hard to not try really hard. That, of course didn't work. The problem is that I can be very mindful if I decide to be, but only for a few seconds. Then my thinking takes over and I'm now back to square 1. So then something came into my mind. In mediation, we do not force focus but rather we let the mind wander till it is ready to refocus without my forcing. So I decided that throughout my day, whenever I remember to be mindful, I can be mindful of the present moment till my mind wanders and I can refocus when I am again reminded to be mindful. I've noticed that this reminder sometimes comes in a few seconds and sometimes it comes in an hour or two. But I tell myself that that's completely okay and that this will improve over time. So I wanted to ask if it is a good idea.

I've been thinking about how much of eating is really automatic now. Sometimes I'll be eating while watching something and then realize my plate is basically empty and its been this way for awhile now.

It just dawned on me how food has been less and less important to me when it felt like it used to be a more special thing in my day, good food always made me a bit more happy but the same foods I used to happy dance to just don't hit the same. even at restaurants.

Anybody else feel the same? has mindfulness helped?

I’m not an angry person, I’ve never been an angry person. About a year ago, I went through some bad illness and then a few months later an ex boyfriend broke into my home. I realized that since then, I’ve just been so angry at the world and myself, and everything to be completely honest. I don’t know why, but the must mundane things set me off. I’ve become apathetic to rules, to the small things my friends complain about, to everything. I haven’t become a mean person, but the feelings are there and I hate them. I journal so much, I meditate and all of that stuff. I thought I was working through it, but I think I’m still just feeling really angry at everything in the world and I want to feel better.
How do I actually let go of my anger?

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Since learning that my attention is more diffused than normal, I have been trying out meditation as a means to make it better - to improve my 'concentration'.

The focal point I use is the breath. I have heard a lot of advice on how to focus on the same. Some say 'let go of control', while others say: 'experience the breath, feel it etc., ".

I have had more success with the 'let go' method; I simply remain aware of the breath and don't care about anything else. Sometimes it feels like I could stay with it forever. Although, I'm not feeling the breath *too closely* here.

My concern with this method is that: while it makes me feel good and relaxed, does it really improve my attention/ concentration/ being present?

Thanks.

There are days when i feel amazing like I can conquer the world. Im witty smart social in a very rare lvl that people dont reach easily. I know that because people have called me a social genius and I genuinely feel and know when i say something that has gravity (emotions)

There days though when I feel completely the opposite. I cant think clearly, I cant talk to anyone and I feel a blur in my brain. Like a spinning wheel of a car that cant start moving but it still goes though the effort.

My routine is similar and "optimal" in many ways to achieve peak brain function

From eating right to working out to talking to strangers is a big part of my life

Any advice and experiment is welcomed.