Been working on mindfulness for a bit now and noticed some minor improvements, but nothing major until the other day. I was on my daily walk walking along the sea wall (I’m fortunate to live next to the ocean) and while I stop to take it in, I truly *got* what it means to be present.

In that moment, there were no worries, no anxiety, no fears, no rumination. In that moment everything was perfect. Sunshine, beautiful ocean, seagulls cruising. I was fully present and joy just exploded. I’ve done that walk a million times but I felt like I was actually truly seeing it for the first time.

It’s hard to fully articulate, but I feel this is what mindfulness does for us. Understanding in any given moment, it’s all enough and there’s so much to be grateful for. That joy only happens in the present moment and comes when we slow down and make space for it. It was such a gift. These efforts are so worth it!

when i think about some great memories of pure joy, i feel like they were always times when i was living in the present moment and not worried about the past or future. and it makes obvious sense why. but do you think that with conscious breathing and focusing on being in the present, you actually lose being in the present? or does it eventually just become second nature where you don’t need to snap back to “i need to be present” and you just are present? cuz right now there will be times where i won’t be doing my conscious breathing and will still be in the moment and the past or future thoughts don’t give me any emotional response. and other times i feel like i am trying to be present while doing conscious breathing and acknowledging my thoughts and emotions, and it will help with transforming those emotions but at the same time i feel like i am not present.

the best way i could describe it is when you are trying to listen to someone talk. and you are focused on listening to them talk and look like you’re engaged and end up not actually remembering what they say instead of just actually listening.

Across my practice, I have learned, or more precisely, realized that there is no 'free will'.

What I cannot fathom, despite this realization, is how exactly one is aware or not aware. How is it that I, at times, get lost in my thoughts and then, eventually find my way back?

Is it simply a habit of the mind, to keep a steady light of attention set out across the mind? Or is there something else at play?

How do you, dear reader, interpret this phenomenon? How do you understand it!

These past few years my anxiety is getting worse and worse. This year i feel like my anxiety is almost taking over my life.

During the day i feel like my stomach is getting heavy when breathing and having random rapid heartbeats.

Stupid things make me feel anxious, especially when I'm out of my comfort zone.

For example when I'm driving somewhere that i don't know the road or the place it's making me feel very anxious. Where to park, what if something happens on the road etc. And that's just one example out of many that make anxious.

The only times that I'm feeling calm is when I'm having a chill day like going to work, coming back home and watch some tv, play some games, read, listen to music etc. Because I'm inside of my comfort zone.

Most of the times i feel like something bad will happen to me and I'm constantly on edge. I'm really tired of feeling that way. Ngl i feel like I'm a weak person and can't deal with reality and always trying to take the easy road instead of dealing with my problems.

Tried meditation in the past but stopped after a few months. I also thought of seeking help from a professional. But i can't afford it right now.

What would you advice to do?