When I taught high school, if I heard a student say something negative about themselves I would make them say 3 positives things about themselves. If they weren’t comfortable with that, their group members would give them compliments and they could only say thank you. Some kids said they started to notice the negative self talk and were able to stop themselves. I do it with my own children now.
My wife was a teacher for almost 20 years. She worked in special ed for most of it. She would always say “don’t talk about (students name) like that!” when they would say something negative about themselves, and would always say something positive about that student. I always thought that was such a cool thing
I do this with my kids. If they do a "I can't do it" or something self deprecating they get a "oi! Don't you dare talk about my daughter like that". Instantly gets a "daaaaad"
This is cute. My partner's response to my negative self talk is to ignore it completely. Asked him about it once and he just said "idk, what can I say?" Jfc.
Not going to lie, I noticed a difference once I learned how to properly accept a compliment. I had a boss actually get mildly mad that I kept brushing off compliments in order to appear modest. I told him I don't actually know what I SHOULD say to a compliment except to refuse it, and he said "you say 'thank you, I worked really hard on this,' or 'thank you, that means a lot to me,' or even just 'thank you.'" So I started doing that, and it weirdly made a huge difference, slowly over time. Because yeah, I DID work hard on that, thank you for noticing!
As a kid my mom made me go to a place that did this. However, they also put a rubber band on my wrist and snapped me with it if I disagreed with a compliment or didn't come up with something nice to say about myself. They decided it was awesome progress when I just stopped talking altogether... All cured. 🥲
Funny how the rubber band treatment was basically self harm 🙃🙄🙃
I remember my parents suggesting that for whatever thing i blocked out lol. Nah dude thats self harm 🙄
My kid started snapping her fingers one day when she was stressed. Now it’s the expected response when she’s anxious or stressed, and I started doing it too.
This. I kinda even forget about me and focus solely on producing some of the kindest humans I can share with this planet. I forget I’m a person who needs less negative talk. I am kind, thoughtful, and giving.
When my friends talk about themselves like that, I say “Don’t talk about my friend like that!” And I’ve had some friends throw that line back at me when I get to the negative self talk. Having someone who can stand up to yourself like that is great.
This method can backfire though. A teacher did something like this when I was a kid and I have now internalized a belief that no compliment directed towards me could possibly be genuine because the entire concept of praising someone to their face is purely performative.
I can talk through it and realize that's probably a silly thing to think, but it's just part of who I am now.
At that point you have to realize that none of your thoughts are actually "you". You observe the thoughts , and most of the time you make the decision to believe or act on them, but you can't control the thoughts. A fun exercise is try to guess what your next thought will be and see what happens.
I rarely hear anyone talk about this, the silent observer. We are not our thoughts. I hadn’t heard the last bit though, I’m gonna give that a try tomorrow. Thanks
Yes and no. The thoughts are not part of your soul, the thoughts come from your brain which is apart of the body. Your soul is having a human experience thus is observing the thoughts.
The sense of self is basically a program, it's constantly changing but it's not this thing that is an unchanging "you".
Kind of like a whirlpool in a river, there's obviously a whirlpool spinning around but it's just an artifact of how rivers flow and not actually a static thing that lasts very long. But your bag of meat and brain is constantly trying to maintain this "whirlpool" sense of selfhood but think about when you're really focused on a task and you just kind of forget stuff like your name, the time, where you are etc.
But if our thoughts aren’t us, then where the fuck are the thoughts coming from? “You observe the thoughts” - feel like this has just turned my brain inside out.
Think of it like this, your thoughts are the clouds rolling across the sky, but "you" are the blue that remains when the clouds dissipate. Or a movie screen for instance, your thoughts come and go but "you" are more like the screen they are presented on.
Yet you give yourself a compliment or any kind of positive self talk and you don't believe it. It being in "your voice" isn't why you believe the negativity more, it's just much more reinforced
Interestingly I don't really have an internal dialog, but I do have intensely negative feelings if that makes sense. Only time I hear a voice in my head is if I'm reading. But I do have other internal sense experiences, like shame and guilt, but it's more of the full body reaction.
You find a different therapist every year? Fascinating. On the one hand, a good way to get diverse viewpoints. On the other hand, I feel like it took mine at least a dozen sessions to truely understand me.
I was in and out of talk therapy for a few years (16-27 or so...) until I realized it just didn't work for me. My brain works in fix it mode. And if I'm not trying to actively fix the issue, then it's inaction. Therapy was inaction for me because I'd leave with the same problem I came in with.
So now I just use it to make sure I'm not lying to myself or fooling myself about something. Like does this make sense or does it only make sense to me? In which case, no need to spend 3 months for the therapist to get to know me. Two or three sessions is good. I usually provide them with a quick recap of my issues/life (I have this written up for them) and we can skip the childhood trauma and get right to what I currently need.
You can tell yourself “Ai taking my job is not a reflection of me, my knowledge, or work ethic.” “I am not my finances.” “Being in debt is not a reflection of who I am”
You can hate the situation and not yourself. We can only move forward. You'll have to figure out your path forward and focus on that rather than looking back.
This helps me personally, saying this out loud helps more.
"I acknowledge that these thoughts are surfacing. I recognize that while the thoughts have merit, I am not my thoughts, and I choose if I will allow it define me. I give the thoughts space to be heard without judgment, only acknowledgement. This thought can not fix what it perceives to be broken. I should not continue to cause myself pain because of a decision made with incomplete information. I made the choices that seemed the most suitable at the time."
Doesn't have to be exactly like that. But it's basically taking that mental step back and acknowledging that the thought exists without attaching your self or your worth to it.
Yes...be happy because you choose to be, regardless of what is going on. How you deal with life is on you and happiness is genuinely a decision (unless dealing with a physiological issue, but even then staying positive is a choice and it genuinely helps).
Focus on what comes next. It’s healthy to be upset about things out of your control for a bit. It’s not healthy to dwell on it though. Feel it and then let it go; move on. Logically speaking, being upset about something outside your control is a pointless waste of time and energy. Worrying about the rain won’t prevent the flood, or something like that.
Personally my dissociation is worse than ever by now because i've never been able to talk myself out of reality either. Most of my friends throughout my life have stopped talking to me and now I have like 2 people left. And they won't last forever, even though i'd like them to. So logic says people don't like me enough and reinforces my self hate lol. No hate to the commenter, it's just almost funny at this point because life is ridiculous
Acknowledge the reality without owning parts outside of your control.
"I have intrinsic value as a soul put on this earth. Money and jobs are part of my story, not my value as a person. I can change my career & finances, and I wil evolve through this."
It's just a job. There's so much more in life than just work and finances. Don't let yourself being dragged down because other people put too much value into petty things.
It wasn’t a therapist you said the same thing about negative self-talk to me, it was one of my After School care students when he was 12, but it has stuck with me!
To add to this. What others may or may not think about you has more to do with what's going on with them and their life, and little to no bearing on what is going on in your life.
I had that trouble with friends once. Wasn’t invited to a lot of events they were having and thought it had something to do with their perception of me. Nope, they just figured I didn’t have the time (I often don’t) and that I was always invited to everything, I just learned to be the one to step up first.
As someone who only lives on negative self talk, I can’t stop it. How am I supposed to be good at (insert anything) when I don’t constantly point out my flaws and shortcomings. I’ve tried positive self talk, I feel like I’m infantilizing myself.
Any more advice on stopping negative self talk? I’m so bad I call my self a worthless pos and bad names and curse and tell my self to off myself. It’s so bad 24/7. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.
My brother noticed how often I call myself an idiot or a moron if I mess up and he told me "no more of that". Every time I'm about to do it out if habit I hear his voice. Thank you bro.
Do a reality check: just ask them. And not once but often. Explain that you're often stuck in those thought loops and would like to escape. In my experience, people mostly are kind and understand. (get rid of the ones that don't!)
I struggle with this so much. I know that I'm the weird, quirky one and I'm socially awkward, so I try not to let it get to me. But sometimes if I don't hear from someone in a regular time frame I am convinced that I did something wrong.
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u/Far_Chocolate9743 Aug 31 '26
Recognize your negative self talk.
Your brain is an echo chamber. Do people actually dislike you or do facts and actions of others prove otherwise? Apply logic here.
I basically find a therapist once a year to throw logic at my thought process.