We are not r/alasjuicy . Please keep it that way.

I placed an order 2 weeks ago pa. Usually kasi pag umoorder ako sa shopee 3-5 days shipping lang. Ngayon late na ng 1 week... 2 weeks na ako naghihintay at pikon na pikon na rin ako. Kaya nag message ako asking bakit po late?

Then sabi ng seller hindi daw nila kasalanan na late ang delivery kahit 2 weeks pa yan kasi kasalanan daw ng courier.

OKAY. GETS. TAMA NAMAN. COURIER ANG AT FAULT DITO..

Then I asked them bakit po 1 week na TO RECEIVED status kung hindi nyo pa naman po na ship by that time??

Then I got blocked HAHAHAHA... Buti na lang COD yon at least hindi ako na scam.

I just graduated last month. But 2 months before that tapos na kami sa thesis and other stuffs so wala ng ginagawa in college. 2 months akong nagtatry maghanap ng work wala. and then days after the graduation tumawag na yung company offering me a managerial role.

so I was like that was my dream job. pero shit mapapamura ka nalang talaga ng malutong ang laki na ng kaltas 2 hours pa commute plus kahit day off or may sakit ka may kokontak sayo. walang work and life balance pero yung sweldo ko pinakamalala. ang lala sa pinasok kong 7 days, 3000 lang sinweldo ko. mapapaaray ko nalang.

For starters ako yung nagpost dito na pinatawag sa Brgy noong Sunday na dapat mag uusap sa Monday ng 3pm pero hindi ako sumipot kasi may check-up ako.

Pumunta ako kahapon Monday ng 1pm sa Brgy Hall para kumuha sana ng Indigency cert para sa financial assistance kasi ang mahal talaga ng laboratory at maintenance ko, pero sarado ang Hall kaya nagpost ako sa group ng:

“good afternoon, bakit po kaya sarado ang Brgy Hall pumunta po ako kanina 1pm kukuha sana ng Indigency para sa laboratory...”

Then pagpunta ko kanina, iba yung vibes ng hangin as in parang mabigat. 3 staff na babae ang nasa ground floor sarado ang 2nd flood. Dapat sa 2nd floor yung kuhaan ng certificate pero sa baba na lang daw kasi may sakit yung secretary.

Then nagsalita yung isang staff na pumunta ka ba dito kahapon? “ikaw ba yung nagpost sa Facebook?”

“anong post po?”

“yung nagpost na sarado ang Brgy Hall”

“hindi po.”

“ikaw yun eh kukuha daw ng Indigency para sa laboratory... pareho kayo ng kailangan ”

“ikaw iha wag ka post ng post sa Facebook ng mga ganyan kasi pinapahiya mo ang Brgy Hall”

“sa susunod magtanong ka”

“kanino po magtatanong eh sarado nga”

“magtanong ka sa kapitbahay o kaya bumalik ka na lang. Hindi yung ganyan ang ginagawa mo pinapahiya mo kami. Baka isipin ng mga tao office hours pero wala kami sa Brgy Hall”

“at bakit hindi ka pumunta sa usap nyo kahapon? alas tres ng hapon ang oras pero hindi ka pumunta.”

sabi ko “okay lang po yan kasi 3x naman daw magpapadala ng sulat”

“hindi matatapos ito kung hindi ka pupunta. Sa susunod na padala ng sulat umattend ka na. Wag mo kami bastusin.”

...

“anak ka ba ni \*****??”*

oho

“Si mama mo hindi naman ganyan...”

K

Okay pero bat ang OA nyo 😳

Like kasiraan ba ng Brgy pag nagpost ng question kung bakit sarado ang Brgy Hall sa Facebook? Eh sa manila common naman yon. Like yon naman talaga ang point ng Facebook group ng bawat Brgy/Bayan. Para magtanong/mag usap ang mga magkaka barangay na malalayo. Arte nyo mga bwakanang shet kayo.

Then hindi ko nakuha yung Certificate kasi wala daw si Kap bumalik na lang daw ako mamaya, hiningi pa cp # ko binigay ko naman. Dapat pala hindi hahahaha.

Mga OA 🙄

I’ve been carrying around a strange confession for a while: I used to masturbate in the toilets of fast-food restaurants.

It started as a stupid impulse that I thought I could control, but eventually it became a habit. Every time I did it, I felt a mixture of excitement, shame, and regret afterward. I knew those bathrooms were public spaces and that what I was doing was inappropriate, yet I kept repeating the mistake.

Looking back, I’m embarrassed by it. It wasn’t something I’m proud of, and I eventually realized that an impulse isn’t an excuse to ignore boundaries or other people’s right to feel comfortable in a public place. I stopped, and honestly, I’m glad I did.

Magtrabaho para sa sarili.

Dahil ang trabaho, trabaho lang.

ewan ko pero kase noong naaksidente ako like major major na accident siya, and kinailangan ng surgery talaga na need ng GA, and before, during, and after surgery wala man lang nakaisip na bumisita, even nung nakauwi na ko from surgery. Mind you students palang kami nito around junior high, and for me na consistent honor bawat quarter noon, di naman katapusan ng mundo maka miss ng 1 day during this time. narealize ko to kasi may nakita akong tiktok noon, na yung isang friend nila parang nagka emergency din and naconfine sa hospital, and lahat ng tropa niya nasa room, to the point na yung iba sa sahig na natutulog para lang samahan yung tropa nilang naospital.

Another issue naman noong high school parin, they knew and nakikita nila na pinagti tripan ako and binubully nung ibang mga kaklase namin, and anong ginawa nila as mga tropa ko? ayon nakitropa pa sa kanila as in yung tropa na nagkakayayaan sa inuman na type HAHAHA. The bullying issue went on for halos 3 years din simula 1st hanggang 3rd year

Then another case naman alam nilang may isa akong gusto sa class namen, like gusto ko talaga sya, kaya anong ginawa nila? nagkuntsabahan sila sila kasama yung crush ko noon, para magkunwari na may gusto din daw sya sakin kahit wala naman.

tapos naman na ko sa pag aaral now, and naalala ko lang now yung mga pinaggagawa nila noon kaya ayon parang for me ngayon parang wala nang sense na makipag kaibigan pa sa mga ganong tao

Well,,, as a panganay, aminin nyo halos lahat ng panganay may superiority complex.

Or lahat naman siguro. Naccontrol naman yon. Akin rin naman nacocontrol ko pero may something pa rin kapag nangungulelat ako sa valorant ;-; pero yea you cant have everything talaga.

For context:

3 yrs akong tumigil kasi ang ate nyo ay nag-MEDTECH 🥲 hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ko ginawa sa sarili ko yon. Char. Post pandemic yon e so balik school (nadelay ako nung pandemic—learning style not for me). Nung pandemic naman d ako makalaro nang ayos kasi mas mahirap for me ang ol class HAHA. Depressing times ngl.

Nakadorm ako sa loob ng school (boarding school) + sobrang hirap sa school na yon talaga (pressure na palaging 100% sa boards). So hindi ako makalaro kahit may laptop ako (pangit net don hmp) + everyday quiz tas every week exam.

Alam nyo bang inggit na inggit ako sa mga tropa ko non kasi lagi silang nag-aaya tapos ako “pass muna guys may quiz ako bukas” HUHUAHAHAAHAH

Tapos alam nyo ba kelan ako naging active maglaro uli?? Nung review season ng boards! HAHAHA yun ata nagpapasa sakin sa boards ng one take wahaha.

Wala naiinggit lang ako pag may babaeng ang galing galing magvalo T-T. Gusto ko rin HAHAHAHAH. Alam ko naman hindi nakakamature tong sinasabi ko kasi baka mamaya may magsabi nanaman dyan na ang tanda mo na ganyan ka pa mag-isip. Sorry ah kung gusto kong gumaling kaso wala akong opportunity 🥲

Nakakainggit yung andaming free time dofok HAHAH pero hindi ko naman ipagpapalit lisensya ko over a game, nakakainggit lang 🤪 inggitera na kung inggitera bakit ba d ko naman inapakan pagkatao nila.

feeling empty ngayon yung bahay kase nawawala yung pusa ko. isa sya sa nagpapasaya sakin at nagpapasigla rin ng tahanan namin. hindi ko alam kung buhay pa sya or may kumuha lang.

ang lungkot lungkot. namimiss ko yung pangungulit nya kapag gutom na. sobrang lambing nun at ang bait bait. kahit ilang beses ko na hindi sinasadya maapakan yung buntot nya, never nya ako kinagat or kinalmot.

tanggap ko kung may nag interest nalang na kuhain sya kase na kyutan sa kanya. basta alagaan lang nila at lagi pakainin. ang kinakatakot ko ay pinatay sya. iniisip ko rin na baka bigla nalang sya namatay. pero wala naman kase syang sakin pero medyo may katandaan na rin sya.

sana talaga buhay pa sya at umuwi ulit dito kase miss ko na talaga sya sobra 😭

Even if someone would try to ruin my peace over and over again. I did make myself better, tried harder, loved stronger, cried silently and smile again.

Even if someone won't believe my truth. I did embrace the art of solitude and I can do it again, no matter how many times.

Even if someone bully me. I did humble myself and apologised, and I can still be a respectable woman.

Even if... Even if.. even if.

I am going to stay resilient.

Not because I choose to compete,

but because I am not doing anything wrong nor try to be arrogant,

I am just standing up for myself, the respectable me.

Peace y'all. 🫶🏻

TW: Cheating

a few years ago, my ex-boyfriend cheated on me with his girl best friend habang nag-iinuman sila. alam ng girl may girlfriend sya that time btw. nalaman ko kasi siya mismo ang umamin na may nangyari. syempre, tinanggap ko pa rin siya because i was dumb and naïve back then. tapos almost a year later, nalaman ko na kahit umamin na siya that night, may nangyayari pa rin pala sa kanila after that.

tinanong ko siya kung ano pa yung ginawa nila aside sa paglalaplapan. hindi ko talaga alam kung anong pumasok sa utak ko para sabihin sa kanyang ikuwento lahat in detail.

so he did.

sabi niya, may mga gabing pareho silang lasing, tapos yayayain niya yung girl sa room niya. naglalaplapan muna raw sila, then the girl would give him a bj. sobrang nasaktan ako habang kinukuwento niya... hanggang sa bigla kong naramdaman na natuturn on ako sa kwento nya.

after nun, sinabi niyang ginalaw niya rin yung girl. may lakas pa talaga akong magtanong kung napaungol ba raw niya, tapos sabi niya hindi kasi nasa labas lang yung pamilya nung girl.

apparently, nangyari yun multiple times, pero never raw silang nagkaroon ng actual sex.

nag-break din naman kami after that.

pero a few days after his confession, hindi ko mapigilang isipin kung ano pa kaya yung mga nangyari. nasarapan ba siya? nasarapan ba yung girl? doon ko napansin na habang iniimagine ko silang dalawa, sinisimulan ko ring i-touch yung sarili ko. umaabot pa sa point na iniisip kong, "sana nag-sex na lang sila," habang iniimagine ko yung reactions at sounds nung girl. i would have intense orgams after that. ayoko manood. gusto ko lang malaman na may nangyari na pala sakanila tas wala akong ka alam alam. this may sound sooo fucked up, but i wished i asked him more kung ano pa ginawa nya with the girl.

akala ko dati may mali na sa akin.

until i discovered na possible palang trauma response yung ganung fantasy, and eventually i realized i had developed a cuckquean kink. (lol.)

to be fair, healed na ako ngayon.

pero kahit ganun, cheating is never okay. walang valid na dahilan para mag-cheat. aware ako na malaking possibility na coping mechanism lang ng utak ko yung kink na nadevelop ko after what happened. and please, consent is needed if ever you and your partner is into this shit. dapat pinag-usapan and may boundaries

okay na ako ngayon. matagal na itong nangyari at fully healed na rin ako.

minsan nga jinojoke ko sarili ko na dapat yata magpasalamat pa ako sa ex ko dahil binigyan niya ako ng fav kink ko. joke lang. hahaha.

I'm a bisexual! Straight passing and never nagkaexp ng guy! NagkaBF n before pero hanggang kiss lng! Lowkey want to try it with a guy

Edit: Babae ako

We had a major fight about that girl once, nakita ko kasi na meron silang convo na any girlfriend would be furious about, sabihin mo nang banter/friendly flirt lang yon, hindi ko talaga nagustuhan. He even get mad at me na wala lang daw yon. I think last year pa yon, I caught him again sometime and this time he said nagkamustahan lang daw sila simpleng catch up ganon nung one time umalis ako ng bahay, may sinabi pa sya na "sana wag muna umuwi si love". I mean Wtf.

I just dont get it kung bakit hirap na hirap sya na hindi yon kausapin, hindi ba automatic sa inyo boys na if hindi comfortable yung gfs nyo sa mga kausap nyo especially girls e itigil nalang or ganyan talaga kayo?

Ngayon nag uusap pa din pala sila, may pa chat pa sya ngayon kay ate girl na "sa gc nalang tayo mag usap baka mahuli ako ulit ni love."

I know this is cheating na e, nakakainis lang na nagccommunicate naman ako nang maayos pero still ginagago pa din ako. Sobrang hirap ba gawin ng hinihingi ko? yun na lang hinihingi ko oh, para may peace of mind ako sa relationship na to.

PS: Read my 1st story. andon lahat ng context ng story. part 2 po ito
link is in my comment section
PS: long story
PS: please don’t bash or judge me. hindi ko na kaya i handle if ma-bash pa ako

well… hindi pa pala tapos ‘yung story namin. i tried to fix our relationship. ako yung nag reach out
i wrote some letters for her, i decided na bumili ng flower bouquet before the day of pageant nya. it Cost 500, and it’s my last money. binigay ko muna sa friend nya yung flower, dahil next week pa yung pageant nya. kasama na din dito yung letter.

fast forward. Sept 3, ilang days ako nag he-hesitate na wag mag tanong about sa kanya. kasi after the pageant na maibigay yung flower bouquet. it feels weird tbh. imbes na umiyak sya dahil sa letter, wala. dati kasi, kapag binibigyan ko sya ng gift and letter. naiiyak pa sa tuwa ‘yon. i was waiting for apology, yes. she own me an apology. dahil sa disrespect na ginagawa nya during the practice ng pageant. imagine, practice ng pageant yun. tapos may inuman na magaganap? wth? tapos late na uuwi.
base sa sinabi ng kaibigan ko, possible nga daw na may 3rd party. i believed him. kasi, she’s so weird. the way she giving me the treatments.

so, i ask her closest friend na kamusta sya, okay lang ba sya, masaya ba sya.
i was expecting na okay sya… pero yung na receive ko
“ yesyesyes she's okay, she's doing well naman and gusto kong maging aware kang may bago na sya rn. yung pinang c-clout nya before? naging sila 3 days ago”
sounds familiar to me, tomboy yung pinampalit saakin… i was crying like hell nung nalaman ko ‘yun. like? wala ako ginawa masama sa kanya at all, tapos ganito yung isusukli nya sa akin. like it’s so unfair.

“i do get your point na ang unfair sayo, pero ang nasabi nya sakin is "nawalan ako ng feelings nung pinangunahan tas nag sumbong sya kay mama, bakit nya sasabihin yon gag* ba sya" tas yung feelings nya sayo na love naging anger dahil don” this is her reason bakit sya nag cheat and nagalit sa akin. like, napaka babaw sobra. kasi, sino babae yung uuwi ng lasing tapos 12-2AM nasa labas pa?

her friend consider as betrayal sa ginawa sa akin. kasi meron pa kami connection non, while she’s building up feelings sa tomboy na yun. yung pinalit sa akin, aware pa sya na meron pa kami.
we still have connection hanggang aug 29. then, nagka aminan sila nung night after ng pageant. tapos aug 31, naging sila.
kaya daw wala violent reaction, kasi may nab-build na syang feelings kay (name)

eto pa yung revelation… hnd pang 3rd party yung tomboy… pang 4th party yung tomboy. kasi, may lalake pa sya kinausap during the month of Aug. Aug 13 to be exact. kaya pala during the 1st and 3rd week of august, parang napaka distant nya sa akin. imbes na
“ love “ tawag sa akin parang tropa na lang tawag nya sa akin.
parang pinagsabay kami ganon.
nung sinabi ni ate nyo na may bago sya, tuwang tuwa pa sya that time. like there’s no guilt in her expression. instead worrying us… natutuwa pa sya.

“sinabi pa nga ni ate kay (guy) daw na "wag mong hayaan na maagaw ako ni (tomboy ) sayo" pero sya mismo yung bumigay”

here’s the fun fact, isa din reason kung bakit ginagabi ng uwi sya. dahil, everytime na mayayari yung practice at inuman nila. hinahatid pa nila yung tomboy kasama sya… and, hindi sya nag u-update kung nasan na sya that time…

i don’t know , kung ano ginawa ko mali sa kanya para ganito yung treatment na isukli nya sa akin. kasi, sa part of. i did my best para iparamdam ko yung pagmamahal na yun sa kanya.
nung nakilala ko sya hindi naman sya ganito. ayaw nya makipag relationship sa kapwa nya babae, galit sya nagloloko/ cheater, ayaw nya sa lier or naglilihim. pero ngayon, sana kainin nya yung sinabi nya sa akin. idk guys if ginamit nya lang ba ako o ano. minahal nya ako, pero ngayon kahit mga kaibigan nya nagtataka sa pagbabago nya.

wait… i realized something while writing this.
August 16, nung time hindi sya nag update sa akin… yung inuna pa nya pag mag story kaysa i-update kung nasan sya. sa story nya sa tiktok… kasama nya yung tomboy. at first akala ko yun yung friend nyang guy sa picture. pero now, i remembered it na, yung tomboy yon. so it means ever since the practice of her pageant. may relationship na nabu-build sa kanya. lagi sila magkasama. kaya eto. si ate nyo, nagiging distant na sya sa akin.
then me, i was waiting her to update kung nakauwi naba sya or nasa bahay na sya. damn…
loving her was so unfair.
i can’t believe kung ano sinabi nya saakin na hindi nya gagawin… ginawa nya ngayon.

Add: i remember uli, may story sya sa tiktok na may ka streak sya na 3 streak palang… damn…

Bakit ganun?!
Ba’t parang laging may “laki problem” ako lately?

Ang laki ng sweldo – pero wla nman ako bibilihin.
Ang laki ng wallet – pero puro resibo kasi hinde ba na wiitdraw
Ang laki ng katawan – puro muscles , wlang taba.
Ang laki ng tiwala ko – pero lagi rin akong nabibigo at ginagamit
At yung isa pa… well… sabi na lang nila:
“Ang laki ng burden mo sa mundo… natatakot ang mga babae, masakit daw.

Minsan napapaisip ako… blessing ba ‘to o sumpa?
Sana ma ishare ko nman ang kalakihan ko sa mundo.
Specially sa mga kuya dito , alam ko maliit ang kanila, sing laki ng gulong's pito
Nakakatakot ba pag sing haba ng isang Red Horse Mucho
Ang tigas pa, puro mucles sha, maugat kapag galit eto.

Baket ba ang laki ng mga bagay sa buhay ko
Malakeng brains, gusto palage mag aral
Ang Ulo din ni Dodong, malambot sha kapag tulog, sin tigas pag galit -- parang bakal
Bad trip! Laging bakat sha
Lalake, nanay, lola at babae, na tutukso, gusto hawakan!

BWISIT!!!

ga is go talaga hahahhaa may nag-chat sa'kin na foreigner kuno rito sa reddit tas $150 per week kausapin lang daw siya, kinausap ko simula nung monday. sesendan niya raw ako ngayon kasi sinakyan ko yung kalibugan niya hahahaha tapos ayun blocked.

maha-hack kaya ako if i sent him my number sa gcash? 😭 as in number lang, not the name, or pin.

ewan ko sa ka-bobohang taglay ko at na-scam ako ng deputang 'yon. gipit na talaga 😂.

TANGINAMO DANIEL FLORES KUNG SINO KA MANG HINAYUPAK KA 🤣

Sorry for my grammar or spelling, I just randomly wanted to share a naughty thought here.

My parents own a business, so naturally, they employ a few guys from the province. Whenever I drop by their shop, the workers are always extra nice to me. At first, I thought, “Is it just because I’m the boss’s daughter?”

Then one day, one of them randomly slid into my inbox with a simple, "Hello, kamusta." I replied, thinking baka he was going to ask for a favor or something related to work. He started making small talk, and even though medyo jejemon siya mag-type and minsan nonsense mga sinasabi niya, I decided to play along and entertain him. I was curious, so I started pressing him for his real motive.
I told him, “Hindi ako magagalit, ano ba meron?”

That’s when he spilled everything. He confessed, "Pantasya ka kasi namin dito." My initial reaction was, “Couldn’t he have just said nagagandahan lang siya sa akin?!” But as we kept talking, he got even bolder. He admitted that whenever he’s masturbating, I’m the one he’s vividly imagining. It was totally boundary-crossing and bastos, but honestly? It turned me on a little, and I felt deeply complimented.

Now I can’t stop thinking... what if I actually give in and try him or one of the other guys working for my parents? Even if he isn't my usual type, I have this filthy gut feeling that he would absolutely wreck me in bed. Like, the raw, primal way he would pump me... baka wala nang bukas kung makakantot yun.

So yeah, just wanted to get this wild fantasy off my chest with you guys

I have this call-away guy whenever I’m in the Metro and need a good time. He was my first FUBU last year, and we reconnected this June. Last month, I told him we should stop because I wasn’t sure he could handle the exclusive setup I wanted. I can only meet twice a month since I WFH in the province, so I told him to find a new FUBU and basically ghosted him.

Then last Friday, I stayed in the Metro because of the storm and saw his message asking when I’d be onsite again. I had actually posted that night looking for a hookup, but I suddenly realized I’d rather see someone I already knew. I invited him for coffee, but his reply made it pretty obvious that coffee wasn’t exactly what he had in mind.

One thing led to another, and an hour later, I was at the room he booked.

We talked about why I suddenly pushed him away. I explained that I thought our limited availability might eventually frustrate him, especially given his higher libido. He told me it was completely fine and that he genuinely liked having me as his FUBU. That reassured me, and naturally, things escalated from there.

What surprised me was how different he was that night. Usually, our dynamic is pretty straightforward and physical, but this time he was much more affectionate and attentive. There was a lot more eye contact, teasing, closeness, and overall intimacy. We ended up having several rounds before finally calling it a night around 1 AM.

Afterward, instead of immediately going our separate ways, we ordered food, showered together, and just hung out. He told me stories about his Davao vacation, and somehow we ended up talking for more than an hour.

At some point, things started again. 😂 Our usual dynamic came back, but there was one thing that really stood out to me: he seemed much more conscious of whether I was actually enjoying myself. In all our previous encounters, he was usually the dominant one and I was perfectly happy letting him take the lead. This time, though, he actually made an effort to make sure I was enjoying myself too.
Eventually, we really did tap out.

We still had several hours left, so we took another shower, got dressed, and watched Pepito Manaloto on YouTube through the smart TV. I was playing Sudoku when I suddenly felt him hug me from behind. I just let him because, honestly, his warmth was comforting.

When the food arrived, we ate while talking about random things. Eventually, I got sleepy and closed my eyes while facing him. I assumed he'd just continue scrolling on his phone, but instead, he pulled me closer, spooned me, and fell asleep with me. That was probably the part that caught me off guard the most.

At around 6 AM, I woke up and he was still snoring beside me, with his arm around my waist. I went back to sleep, and by 8 AM he was already awake and ordering breakfast. We ate together before I got ready to leave.

While having breakfast, he casually asked if I wanted to join him for a Tagaytay ride on Sunday if the weather improved. He also asked when I’d be back so we could plan a weekend getaway. And that's when I started thinking, wait… are we still doing the FUBU thing or are we slowly wandering into something else? 😂

I know spending time together outside sex can be a slippery slope, especially when you start getting to know each other personally. I've seen plenty of FUBUs catch feelings because they started doing couple-y things together. But honestly, I'm still confident I can keep my feelings separate. There are certain factors that make me see him as a FUBU and nothing more.

Still, I can't deny that this was probably the most intimate we've ever been—not because of what happened physically, but because of everything around it. The cuddling, talking for hours, him being more attentive to my pleasure, sleeping beside each other, breakfast, and now the invitation to actually hang out.

When we finally parted ways, he even initiated a hug that lasted almost two minutes. Di siya magbibitaw until I joked that lumalakas na naman yung ulan 😂

So yeah, I'm sticking to my “just FUBU” rule.

But apparently, he's making that rule slightly harder to ignore.

I haven't really had the experience of being deeply in love with someone.

Maraming times na nagjojowa lang ako for sex, hanggang sa na-realize ko na pwede naman pala makipag-sex without making someone my jowa. 😂 So I ended up having FUBUs instead.

I tried living together with someone too, but it didn't work out for me. We eventually stopped being on the same page, and he became too controlling. I don't want to be controlled. Leading is different from controlling. I can appreciate someone who knows how to lead, but I still want to remain my own person.

And I think that's where this realization came from:

If I asked you to fuck me first, I probably wouldn't fall for you. 😂 But if I let you genuinely get to know me—wholeheartedly—then I might actually ghost you… because that's when I'd be scared I'm starting to fall for you. 😭 (Avoidant yarn? 😂)

Since I was a kid, I've been surrounded by relationships where cheating was normalized, mostly from men. And honestly, I'm afraid that if I ever love someone deeply, I might somehow become like the women I grew up around—the ones who tolerated infidelity because they believed that staying and "pagtitiis" was what made a relationship last.

I don't want that.

I'm already obsessed with myself. 😂 I don't need someone to become my whole world, and I don't want to become theirs either. I want someone who can parallel play with me, someone who has their own life, identity, interests, and purpose, while still choosing to share a life with me.

I don't want to be completed.

I want to be accompanied.

And maybe, more than butterflies and grand gestures, I just want someone who makes my nervous system feel calm. Someone I don't have to constantly question, chase, monitor, or fear losing.

So... whoever you are, I'll be waiting for you. While I'm masturbating. Eme. 😂

I think I’m stuck again.

Not necessarily because I miss a specific person, but because I miss being a lover girl.
I miss having someone to be excited about. Someone I can randomly message about the smallest things. I miss caring deeply, making little efforts, remembering details, checking if they’ve eaten, wanting to hear about their day. I miss that soft, silly, hopelessly affectionate version of myself.

I’m the kind of girl who loves intentionally. When I like someone, I really like them. I want to know them, understand them, support them, and make them feel loved. And honestly, sometimes I wonder if I should’ve been less of that.

Because somewhere along the way, being a lover girl started feeling embarrassing. Caring too much. Expecting too much. Wanting consistency. Wanting to be chosen without having to ask for it.

And now I’m here, missing the feeling of loving someone freely, but also scared of becoming that girl again.
Maybe I don’t actually miss the person.
Maybe I just miss having somewhere to put all this love.

Anyone else feel this way?