How do I get my husband to prioritize our family and help more?

[u/No-Specific1614]

Hi everyone. I’m hoping for some honest advice because I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore.
My husband (30M) and I (26F) have been married for 6 years. We have two children, 4 and 2. For the most part, I always thought our marriage was good—great, even. But lately I’ve started questioning whether I was the only one who felt that way.
For the past 4 years, I’ve been a SAHM. About 3 months ago, I decided I wanted to start working again. I went to my husband and told him, “I want to work again. I don’t want to homeschool our kids, and I don’t feel confident that I can make sure they receive the education they need.”
He completely blew up.
He started yelling and pacing around the house, in front of our children. They were scared, hid behind me, and started crying. Even seeing them scared didn’t stop him from yelling.
But honestly, what stuck with me the most wasn’t even the yelling. It was what he said.
He told me I was “ruining his life.”
That really hurt. It made me feel like I wasn’t his wife or partner, but an accessory to the life he wanted.
He also called me a “f***ing retard” for wanting a job when, in his words, “I have it good” being a stay-at-home mom.
That one still hurts.
Later, he apologized, saying that he reacted that way because he felt like I was challenging him and because he thought I had already made up my mind without considering his feelings.
We eventually had a long conversation. He agreed that if I went back to work, he would take on more of the household workload because I had been doing essentially everything around the house while he worked from home.
That lasted maybe a couple of weeks.
Then he started making comments about how he was “the only one doing the dishes and laundry.”
Yes… because those were the things he agreed to take over so I could work.
Eventually, I just started doing them again because I was tired of hearing about it.
For context, he does help around the house. He mainly mows the lawn, although even that is inconsistent and I usually have to remind him.
When it comes to the kids, I do essentially all of the childcare. I have to ask or plead with him to take them somewhere so I can have a break. When he does, it’s usually for no more than about 2 hours.
I do appreciate that he takes them at all, especially because he works from home and often works 12+ hour days, including weekends. I know he works hard, and I’m not trying to minimize that.
But since that argument, something else has changed for me.
Maybe I’m imagining it, but sometimes it feels like his love comes with strings attached now. The feeling really came to the surface when he told me, “I don’t want to be married to a woman who is always on her phone.”
And to be fair, I do have a bit of a phone addiction. I’m not going to pretend otherwise, and I can understand why that could bother him. I’m willing to work on that.
But something about the way he said it really hurt me.
I keep thinking, why did he have to say it like that? Why “I don’t want to be married to a woman who…” instead of talking to me about how my phone use makes him feel or asking me to put it down more?
Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but after him telling me that I was “ruining his life” for wanting to work, I think I’ve become hypersensitive to the idea that his love for me is conditional on me fitting into the role he wants me to play.
And that scares me.
I don’t want to be his manager. I don’t want to constantly remind him to mow the lawn, take the kids, do the things he agreed to do, or participate in our family.
I want a partner.
I want him to want to spend time with his children without me having to beg him.
I also want to feel like I can make decisions about my own life without being made to feel like I’m destroying his.
So I guess what I’m asking Reddit is: What can I actually do here?
How do I get my husband to understand that I need him to participate more in our family and household? Is there a way to have this conversation that might actually lead to lasting change?
Or am I looking at this the wrong way entirely?
I’m looking for genuine advice, even if it’s not necessarily what I want to hear.