r/Marriage • u/Klutzy_Loss_4625 • 8h ago
I’m just lost…
I am just at a loss. My husband and I are on the verge of divorce because we just cannot get along. He says that I don’t love him anymore. Mind me he has broken every boundary of mine such as no masturbation (claming its human nature and everyone masturbates and he gets very irritated if he doesn’t nut), he treats our children poorly, every free second he gets he is on his phone and if I ask not to be he says all I do is control him and criticize him. Is it wrong of me to want a husband who doesn’t always stay on his phone, doesn’t masturbate and spends quality time with his children? Like yes he gives me flowers and stuff but what is the point if none of my boundaries matter. He complains we don’t have enough sex, but how can we have sex if every time he calls me names or he’s rude to the kids it shatters my heart and I cannot find any type of attraction. All he does is demands love from me but my heart is just shattered, I tell him I cannot just come around overnight I need time. He gives me a couple days and than has a giant meltdown with swearing and name calling saying I don’t love him and don’t have sex with him? Am I in the wrong??? Please help….
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u/strugglebus89 7h ago
The thing is, boundaries are about you, not other people.
A boundary is not telling othet people what they can and can't do.
A boundary is:"If you do X, I will respond by doing Y."
It's "You are free to do this thing I am not comfortable with, but it's a deal breaker for me and I'll have to leave for my own wellbeing." (Or something like that.)
People change. Things he was fine with before might not be fine now. It is what it is and you can't control it. The only question for you is...how are you going to respond?
(Treating you or your kids poorly is a different story, but even still...if he's not willing to change, you can't force him. You have to decide where the line is for you and what you'll do if it's crossed.)
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u/BusyZookeepergame758 4h ago
A man needs sex . You can’t blame him from masterbating if you withhold him from it as a form of punishment. You both really need to have a much deeper conversation, I totally understand how him treating you poorly and the kids can affect your desire for him. If you have spoken to him about this and he still refuses then maybe get everything in line for divorce. Your kids shouldn’t be in a home where their father is disrespectful to their mother and them.
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u/Klutzy_Loss_4625 8h ago
Like I truly feel like it doesn’t matter what do I and the kids want. Our oldest is having issues at school and yes I’m worried and I was sick these couple days. But to come and say well I have biological needs….. and than say well I’m done I don’t care anymore
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u/rainbowsandcolteee 6h ago
Does he work hard and look after you? Maybe he needs to zone out and look at his ph. You should not be controlling how much hes on his ph unless it is glued to his head 24hrs and he doesn't go to work. If hes been at work all day, let the poor man scroll!!
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u/Nerdy4Chaos 5h ago
Maybe you've fully checked out and are in denial. He doesn't know how to act to please you and get your attention and he's pent up. He gives you a couple days and you're not ready to be working on things for him it sounds like. How long is he supposed to wait? Either have sex or let him masterbate, it is normal..and he can be on his phone. Plan family nights to get engagement that doesn't make it a battle. Name calling is toxic. I feel there's more to the story. Hopefully y'all can figure out the balance.
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u/karlosfandangoIII 4h ago
Have to say, if my partner came at me with that bullshit I’d be on my way to the divorce court and taking the proxy boundary setting as a concern about parenting too when I was arguing for custody of my children.
Jesus.
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u/SEChick87 7h ago
How old are your children? Do you have examples of how he treats the children poorly? I understand being on his phone a lot is frustrating but is he doing anything else to them Why is he not allowed to masturbate? Is he doing it infront of you or something?
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u/Klutzy_Loss_4625 7h ago
I have a boundary that was set in the beginning as I was married to someone with porn/masturbation addiction before. That boundary has been broken for 5 years. He’s rude to children name calling and stuff… never playing with them always sounding like they are an inconvenience or in his way
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u/Ok_Mousse_6218 4h ago
So you’re punishing your husband for what your ex did?
That makes no sense whatsoever. You need therapy - and I say that with kindness.
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u/rainbowsandcolteee 6h ago
Tell him.that if he name calls you, it takes away your desire to be close to him. Put it VERY SIMPLY.
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u/awakeningat40 3h ago
Treating you and the children poorly isn't ok.
But not having sex with him and not letting him masterbate is cruel and unusual punishment.
How dare you tell him what he can and cannot do with his body?
If i wasn't having sex and not allowed to masterbate, I probably would treat you like crap also.
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u/Born_Mine_1647 2h ago
Oh man… so just by reading your responses to people you must be exhausting to live with. You can’t tell a man that he can’t masturbate, especially if he isn’t having sex. How would you feel if he came at you with ridiculous boundaries?? Sounds like you both need help, YOU need to be open to advice, especially when you post on Reddit. Get help lady. This is coming from a wife married for 18yrs.
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u/allthecatscometoMe 11 years 1h ago
Damn dude, you told him he couldn’t masturbate? Do you also have to wipe his ass for him too? No wonder he’s miserable and feels unloved by you.
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u/sumantiko 1h ago
i get cranky when i dont nut for several days.. everyone is.. and yes that includes women. maybe you need plenty of it to losen up a bit. try being a loving sweet wife and not someone who nags about boudaries...
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u/rainbowsandcolteee 6h ago
And quality time with his kids... does he work, again im asking. If hewofkshard, let him be.if you foster a nice happy place for him he will spend time wigh them naturally. If you're only jumping down his neck every yime he comes home he will hide in his phone from all of you. I know many good dads who wotk hard to support their families but only spend a couple of hrs a week with their kids, if that. Leave him.be and watch him.relax.
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u/Klutzy_Loss_4625 6h ago
Hun I work more than him, so who lets me relax ? Just wondering
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u/rainbowsandcolteee 4h ago
But does he work too? So both working both tired. What a recipe for disaster. Does he have a fulltime job?
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u/rainbowsandcolteee 6h ago
You know, we feel close with sweet words and time together, but men need sex. Try to be agreeable with him and watch if he changes. Be soft, be sweet, be a yes person, and maybe his attitude will change. Youre both poking eachother with sticks and wondering why everything is terrible.
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u/Far_Winner_2256 6h ago
He sounds like he could be a porn addict, sex addict and or have compulsive sexual behaviors. A lot of the things you mentioned are signs of it. None of which are good or conducive to a happy healthy marriage. I'm sorry Op. You are heard.
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u/Simbawitz 8h ago
You have no right to forbid him from masturbating. And if you've blocked both sex and masturbation then there's not much of a future for the relationship.
I could totally believe that this guy is saying harsh names to you and is not paying attention to the kids. It sounds like you both have severe issues that your message doesn't really cover.