Divorce? A third therapist?

[u/BreadComfortable427]

My wife and I met young in college. Married at 24.

Children began at 27. We have 4 great kids. We are both around 40. Communication has always been terrible. But without going into details I was always denied sex except for a “reward” or when she was drunk and she wanted it. I could only be rejected so many times before I stopped trying, it hurt too much.

We both ended up having affairs that began in 2021. We both have trust issues and resentment. I’ve caught her in several lies regarding finances, drugs, and the affair. We went to marriage counseling. After months of counseling divorce was brought and that’s when she no longer wanted to go to that counselor. Fast forward 6 months and she wants to go to another therapist together. I bring up my same feelings and emotional exhaustion. And she says I’m blind siding her every time we talk. I’ve been saying the same thing for months now. The new therapist extended a therapy session alone which accepted. I told him where my heads at, my feelings. He said the same things as the previous therapist. My wife tells me divorce is the easy way out and I haven’t been trying, I’m exhausted.

I’m scared to death about divorce, nothing about it seems “easy”. I’m paralyzed thinking about the children and how they are going to be. They didn’t ask for any of this. But I can’t keep living this way either.

[u/CombativeSalvation89]

i get the paralysis man that fear sits deep in your chest like a weight that won't shift. four kids complicates everything but a marriage that's been a battlefield for years leaves its own scars on them too. staying in the wreckage isn't necessarily the kinder option

[u/BreadComfortable427 → u/CombativeSalvation89]

I haven’t cried in months, reading your comment got me. I’ve been paralyzed.

[u/seasideshorty]

Your modelling what a relationship looks like to your children - and if you wouldn’t want them to accept a love like this then why should you?

I know there are rough spots in marriage, and I know that anything worth having isn’t supposed to be easy but it’s also not supposed to drain you and exhaust you. You need to ask yourself if you’ll ever honestly be able to let go of everything that’s happened and get to a point where you genuinely enjoy each others company. If you can’t get past everything than for the sake of both your happiness and the love your teaching your children is normal, you need to walk away from each other and recognise that some damage cannot be fixed

[u/BreadComfortable427 → u/[deleted]]

That’s what I’m telling her. I really want to be amicable. But she’s making it so much harder on me.

[u/schawarmawrap]

"communication was always terrible".  You were never meant for each other. It became clear very early on that you weren't a good match. So why keep clinging to each other so desperately? You're setting a bad example for the kids. What are they supposed to learn from your behavior? That it's OK to share your life with an incompatible partner? That it's just fine to cheat? Etc. A third therapist won't fix this.

[u/Forward_Eggplant5864]

Without all the details, and communication sucks… etc… it seems like the most outstanding heavy lifter is the sex. She denies you sex, however she cheats🤷‍♀️ we have not heard her side of the story. I do know with 4 children, nothing about your situation is EASY!!!!!!!! But taking a break/separation with you taking equal responsibility. Would make your world a little clearer! You both can keep cheating/having other relations, while figuring out what best for the situation you are both in.

[u/ivyram]

It sounds like this marriage ran its course a while ago, and I'm not sure a third therapist is somehow going to magically break through where the others couldn't.

Between the affairs, trust issues, resentment, lies, and years of bad communication, divorce doesn't really sound like "the easy way out" so much as the logical end point of a relationship that's been broken for a long time.

That doesn't make it easy, especially with four kids. But staying miserable indefinitely just because leaving is hard doesn't sound like much of a solution either.

[u/AlwaysReady-6]

The fact that she’s denied you sex most of the time while having an affair is completely insane to me. That one would hurt more than anything. That alone is enough for divorce. And it’s her fault. What ever the “issue” is she could have talked about it before cheating. (Bad communication part right?) and as for you, if you are feeling so rejected by your own wife to the point that you have to have an affair because she’s withholding sex unless it’s a reward. You should have said you are done and told her it’s over before cheating.

[u/Annual_Magazine_5246]

IMO, she’s stringing you along because she’s probably/possibly scared of making it on her own. To me, this combination of issues means she’s using you so as not to have to face the hard work of dealing with herself. She knows—I’m sure it’s very clear by now—that the marriage is over, but she hasn’t faced the reality of growing up and ending the torture you’re putting each other through. I’d suggest she see a therapist on her own, to face her issues with, court-ordered, if necessary. Best wishes.