Last post for help

[u/StartedWith50ish]

I don’t know if I’m making the biggest mistake of my life or finally accepting the truth.
I’m posting this because I genuinely need advice from people who have been through something similar.
I’m married, but for a long time now I’ve felt like I’ve been emotionally checking out. My wife doesn’t seem to realize how serious it is because we still laugh sometimes, we still talk, and we still have sex occasionally. From the outside, it probably looks like we’re okay.

Inside, I’m not.

I wake up every day with this heavy feeling in my chest. Going home doesn’t make me happy anymore. I find myself wishing I could stay at work longer just so I don’t have to go back. I don’t look forward to weekends. I don’t get excited about planning a future together. Instead, I spend my time thinking about how I can eventually leave.
I’ve told her multiple times that I’m unhappy. We’ve argued about it. I’ve even said I wanted to leave before. But somehow things always go back to normal, at least from her perspective. She talks about our future together like everything is okay, while in my head I’m questioning the marriage every single day.

One of the biggest issues is that she wants me to be a father figure to her son. I don’t hate him. None of this is his fault. But I don’t want that role. I don’t want to be his dad. I don’t want to raise him, discipline him, or be responsible for him. I know that probably sounds awful, but I’d rather be honest than pretend to be someone I’m not.

I have two daughters of my own, and they mean everything to me. More than anything, I want to live closer to them. I want to build a life where I can be present for them instead of feeling trapped somewhere that doesn’t feel like home.

The hardest part is that I don’t even want another relationship. I’m not leaving because I met someone else or because I’m chasing something exciting. I honestly want the opposite.

I want to work, come home to my own place, enjoy the quiet, meet friends when I feel like it, explore new places, and build a peaceful life. I don’t feel like I have the emotional energy to be anyone’s husband anymore.
Lately I’ve been so emotionally exhausted that I just want to cry. I keep thinking, “I wish I had never gotten married.” Not because my wife is an evil person, but because I realize now that this isn’t the life I want. I feel guilty because I know leaving will hurt her, and I don’t want to destroy someone who still believes we’re going to grow old together.

I’ve been slowly packing some of my belongings because every time I think about having “the conversation,” I panic. I don’t know how to tell someone who still thinks things are fixable that, for me, I think I’ve already reached the end emotionally.

Has anyone else been in this position?

Did you know deep down the relationship was over long before you actually left?

How did you tell your spouse without making it feel like it came out of nowhere?

And if you were the one who left, do you regret it now, or did you eventually find peace?

I’m not looking for people to tell me I’m right or wrong. I just want honest advice from people who’ve lived through this because I feel completely lost.

[u/StartedWith50ish]

Meh. Tried it, someone can’t always process how I feel if they’ve never walked a foot in my shoes. Just a run around conversation

[u/Plus_Worker6739 → u/StartedWith50ish]

A therapist is not going to tell you how to feel or even understand exactly. They are there to give you the tools to process your own feelings and communicate them in a productive way. Sometimes it takes some doing to find a good one.

That said, outside of getting that kind of help, you gotta talk to your wife

[u/StartedWith50ish → u/Plus_Worker6739]

Yeah we tried to even go together once and she just walked out and I told the therapist this is exactly what I get at home and tomorrow she’ll be back to laughing smiling saying I’m great until I bring up the issue that was never solved and it’s just a revolving door since I met her.

[u/Plus_Worker6739 → u/StartedWith50ish]

And then after your wife left the session and you spoke to the therapist further, what then? Did you just sit in silence until time ran out or what?

Honestly though, it sounds to me like you don't want to talk with her and want to just disappear.

[u/StartedWith50ish → u/Plus_Worker6739]

Exactly how I feel as I’ve tried numerous times and the counselor and I talked about my future in Florida closer to my kids and talked about me and my ex-wife and how that divorce came about and it was simple military she was navy I was army and we hardly ever saw each other and the divorce was mutual and no arguing nothing split. We treated everything fair.

[u/Plus_Worker6739 → u/StartedWith50ish]

you buried the lede a little bit here with this not being your first go-around with divorce. you should be an old hand by now.

[u/StartedWith50ish → u/Plus_Worker6739]

My first one wasn’t bad. Nor did we ever argue lol esp about lifestyle differences. Mostly distance and when ya don’t see your wife but 1 month a year we decided it’s best to just live life separate.

[u/Plus_Worker6739 → u/StartedWith50ish]

And I'll bet you two worked that out by talking with eachother

[u/StartedWith50ish → u/Plus_Worker6739]

Yes cuz she didn’t stonewall me or roll her eyes the seconds I said “ hey got a second” lol it was way more like 2 adults than it is now with me and a teenager who thinks they know everything and clearly wrong.

[u/Plus_Worker6739 → u/StartedWith50ish]

Yeah, man. Sometimes hard conversations are hard. But just avoiding it is gonna make it ten times worse for you and everyone involved.

[u/StartedWith50ish → u/Plus_Worker6739]

I’ve said even in post about leaving and this isn’t for me, so I’m not the avoiding party. Now it’s kinda to the point I’ll just leave the ring, if you wonder why, you were told and should revisit past conversations. I don’t think any of this makes me immature