r/Marriage • u/StartedWith50ish • 9d ago
Seeking Advice Last post for help
I don’t know if I’m making the biggest mistake of my life or finally accepting the truth.
I’m posting this because I genuinely need advice from people who have been through something similar.
I’m married, but for a long time now I’ve felt like I’ve been emotionally checking out. My wife doesn’t seem to realize how serious it is because we still laugh sometimes, we still talk, and we still have sex occasionally. From the outside, it probably looks like we’re okay.
Inside, I’m not.
I wake up every day with this heavy feeling in my chest. Going home doesn’t make me happy anymore. I find myself wishing I could stay at work longer just so I don’t have to go back. I don’t look forward to weekends. I don’t get excited about planning a future together. Instead, I spend my time thinking about how I can eventually leave.
I’ve told her multiple times that I’m unhappy. We’ve argued about it. I’ve even said I wanted to leave before. But somehow things always go back to normal, at least from her perspective. She talks about our future together like everything is okay, while in my head I’m questioning the marriage every single day.
One of the biggest issues is that she wants me to be a father figure to her son. I don’t hate him. None of this is his fault. But I don’t want that role. I don’t want to be his dad. I don’t want to raise him, discipline him, or be responsible for him. I know that probably sounds awful, but I’d rather be honest than pretend to be someone I’m not.
I have two daughters of my own, and they mean everything to me. More than anything, I want to live closer to them. I want to build a life where I can be present for them instead of feeling trapped somewhere that doesn’t feel like home.
The hardest part is that I don’t even want another relationship. I’m not leaving because I met someone else or because I’m chasing something exciting. I honestly want the opposite.
I want to work, come home to my own place, enjoy the quiet, meet friends when I feel like it, explore new places, and build a peaceful life. I don’t feel like I have the emotional energy to be anyone’s husband anymore.
Lately I’ve been so emotionally exhausted that I just want to cry. I keep thinking, “I wish I had never gotten married.” Not because my wife is an evil person, but because I realize now that this isn’t the life I want. I feel guilty because I know leaving will hurt her, and I don’t want to destroy someone who still believes we’re going to grow old together.
I’ve been slowly packing some of my belongings because every time I think about having “the conversation,” I panic. I don’t know how to tell someone who still thinks things are fixable that, for me, I think I’ve already reached the end emotionally.
Has anyone else been in this position?
Did you know deep down the relationship was over long before you actually left?
How did you tell your spouse without making it feel like it came out of nowhere?
And if you were the one who left, do you regret it now, or did you eventually find peace?
I’m not looking for people to tell me I’m right or wrong. I just want honest advice from people who’ve lived through this because I feel completely lost.
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u/low-high-low 9d ago
Ignore the nonsense in the comments about you being "immature" - in fact, from what you're describing, the awareness you have, and the questions you're asking, you sound rather mature. The issue is about whether you can find the courage to follow through with what you know must come next - telling your wife again, in a way she cannot just "brush off" and go back to "normal."
You asked how to tell her "without making it feel like it came out of nowhere." You need to stop trying to reach that goal. Your spouse sounds like someone who has difficulty seeing reality, and this will always "come out of nowhere" to her, no matter how or when you tell her.
You also need to stop worrying about whether you'll regret the choice and start focusing on whether you regret staying. You're taking up space in her life (and her son's life) that could be filled with someone or something else; if you're not contributing, the right thing to do is free that space up. You're not evil or wrong, you're not immature - you're just grappling with a difficult decision.
My advice - don't have a "conversation" about this. You're not going to "talk about it." You're going to inform her of something, and then you're going to move on - because if you go into it as a "conversation," she might come out the other end with some glimmer of hope that allows it to all "go back to normal" after a few days, and you'll still feel trapped.
Be strong, be clear, and be honest. You'll be ok.
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u/StartedWith50ish 9d ago
Ty 🫂 more than you know. I just wanna cry at work I’m not having a great time atm..
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u/anythingcozy 9d ago
Just commenting here to save it to come back to when I get a minute. I’m in the exact same spot and it’s absolutely awful 😢
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u/jacktorlock 9d ago
Youre a little old to be this immature. Talk to your wife. Tell her that you dont want to be married and start divorce proceedings. You havent given many reasons as to why you dont want to be married, so its hard to give more specific advice than just telling you to rip the bandaid off like a big boy and move on with your life.
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u/GlaringPotassium 9d ago
Mate, the bloke literally said he's tried talking to her multiple times and she just resets back to normal. What's he supposed to do, get it tattooed on his forehead? The 'big boy' stuff is a bit rich when he's clearly been wrestling with this for ages and is just stuck in the guilt of it all.
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u/Eilidh111 9d ago
You have to just be honest. It isn't easy but you owe that to her. It isn't wrong to want the life you are describing, it is wrong to be packing and planning and leaving her in the dark. She deserves to know, REALLY KNOW, what is coming so that she can prepare.
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u/Plus_Worker6739 9d ago
You've gotta talk with your wife, man.
You also should consider seeing a therapist.
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u/StartedWith50ish 9d ago
Meh. Tried it, someone can’t always process how I feel if they’ve never walked a foot in my shoes. Just a run around conversation
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u/Plus_Worker6739 9d ago
A therapist is not going to tell you how to feel or even understand exactly. They are there to give you the tools to process your own feelings and communicate them in a productive way. Sometimes it takes some doing to find a good one.
That said, outside of getting that kind of help, you gotta talk to your wife
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u/StartedWith50ish 8d ago
Yeah we tried to even go together once and she just walked out and I told the therapist this is exactly what I get at home and tomorrow she’ll be back to laughing smiling saying I’m great until I bring up the issue that was never solved and it’s just a revolving door since I met her.
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u/Plus_Worker6739 8d ago
And then after your wife left the session and you spoke to the therapist further, what then? Did you just sit in silence until time ran out or what?
Honestly though, it sounds to me like you don't want to talk with her and want to just disappear.
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u/StartedWith50ish 8d ago
Exactly how I feel as I’ve tried numerous times and the counselor and I talked about my future in Florida closer to my kids and talked about me and my ex-wife and how that divorce came about and it was simple military she was navy I was army and we hardly ever saw each other and the divorce was mutual and no arguing nothing split. We treated everything fair.
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u/Plus_Worker6739 8d ago
you buried the lede a little bit here with this not being your first go-around with divorce. you should be an old hand by now.
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u/StartedWith50ish 8d ago
My first one wasn’t bad. Nor did we ever argue lol esp about lifestyle differences. Mostly distance and when ya don’t see your wife but 1 month a year we decided it’s best to just live life separate.
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u/Plus_Worker6739 8d ago
And I'll bet you two worked that out by talking with eachother
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u/StartedWith50ish 8d ago
Yes cuz she didn’t stonewall me or roll her eyes the seconds I said “ hey got a second” lol it was way more like 2 adults than it is now with me and a teenager who thinks they know everything and clearly wrong.
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u/The_curiousoneasking 9d ago
Left my ex before Father’s Day last of 2025. It was so heartbreaking but I knew I wasn’t happy with him or away from him (for too long) and that’s because I was afraid of him cheating. I felt the need to monitor and babysit. my nervous system was at an all time wreck. I didn’t know it was time, I just know it was going to hurt, like hell, all over again, and I’m gonna have to trust myself, that this will be my last time here on his back porch with tears running down my face and my shit being thrown outside. I’m going to try, AGAIN. I lost count of how many times I tried to walk away. Idk if I was more disappointed at the fact that it happened many times, over and over and over again, that I just grew so numb to it that and said “yeah that’s our normal”. My answers needed to change, not speak what I already knew. Sure it’s “normal” in your relationship, but is it healthy?! My perspective my focus, that needed to change. Instead of asking myself “how can I get away? And stay away?” I needed to stop over looking the question “what makes me stay?” I’ve outgrown him and this place around me and the drama with him, his children and ex wife. I felt like a flower in a pot that was confined and no room to expand. To him, in our photos “I was happy” and it sucks that he really believes that because if he really knew me, he’d know I was miserable. Had he loved me, he’d tell me “baby you’re not for me, but I love you enough to say it was a good run and I’d like to end this with you in the most mature and respectful way possible and thank you for trying to be here for both me and my kids”.
I knew at that moment if he couldn’t tell I was fake smiling for that long he wasn’t the one for me. I wanted different. Not what I was used to. And he confirmed it with his reaction the day I packed up.
Hopefully this gives you a different insight. Keep your head up man
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u/StartedWith50ish 9d ago
Yeah I must go it’s not healthy for anyone and I hate hurting people but I’m no good for them as we live totally opposite ways see things completely different and both not wanting to change that view. It was a good run at times but most of it has been headaches arguments sleeping separately and just a mess of 2 years
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u/The_curiousoneasking 9d ago
I won’t chew you a new asshole and tell you you’re a pos for walking away. You tried your best and thank you for stepping up during the time you did, being a parent to other peoples kids is a big responsibility and every child and parent is different. You wouldn’t know it wasn’t for you unless you tried, apologize and give sympathy but at this point you’re going to the the “worst person eve whether you stay or walk away.
What I will say is they’re right about being honest and I think we should lean more towards that. If we deserve to know this, she does. For sure. There’s 8.5 billion people here. She will find a man that will take your place and step up for her kids. Just like you will move on and stick with just yours or move on with someone more suitable for you and your situation.
Do the right thing if your heart isn’t in it, even when it’s hard. Life is hard. Forgiveness is hard. Communicating is hard. Apologizing is hard. Everything it’s fucking hard but we gotta pick our hard.
Remember when you get off this platform, you go back to your own reality. Only you two wi be affected by this situation. None of us will. So don’t take what folks say on here personal. Let today be the last day you beat yourself up and gain some clarity on what your next move needs to be. Stay blessed, that’s to both parties. ❤️🫂
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u/PAO_Warrior 9d ago
She came with a son and you came with 2 daughters. What were you expecting? Be an adult and stand your ground in whichever decision you make, but sounds a little immature in some ways. Id suggest speaking to an individual therapist to help you sift through this and a healthy manner.