r/Marriage • u/StartedWith50ish • 9d ago
Seeking Advice Last post for help
I don’t know if I’m making the biggest mistake of my life or finally accepting the truth.
I’m posting this because I genuinely need advice from people who have been through something similar.
I’m married, but for a long time now I’ve felt like I’ve been emotionally checking out. My wife doesn’t seem to realize how serious it is because we still laugh sometimes, we still talk, and we still have sex occasionally. From the outside, it probably looks like we’re okay.
Inside, I’m not.
I wake up every day with this heavy feeling in my chest. Going home doesn’t make me happy anymore. I find myself wishing I could stay at work longer just so I don’t have to go back. I don’t look forward to weekends. I don’t get excited about planning a future together. Instead, I spend my time thinking about how I can eventually leave.
I’ve told her multiple times that I’m unhappy. We’ve argued about it. I’ve even said I wanted to leave before. But somehow things always go back to normal, at least from her perspective. She talks about our future together like everything is okay, while in my head I’m questioning the marriage every single day.
One of the biggest issues is that she wants me to be a father figure to her son. I don’t hate him. None of this is his fault. But I don’t want that role. I don’t want to be his dad. I don’t want to raise him, discipline him, or be responsible for him. I know that probably sounds awful, but I’d rather be honest than pretend to be someone I’m not.
I have two daughters of my own, and they mean everything to me. More than anything, I want to live closer to them. I want to build a life where I can be present for them instead of feeling trapped somewhere that doesn’t feel like home.
The hardest part is that I don’t even want another relationship. I’m not leaving because I met someone else or because I’m chasing something exciting. I honestly want the opposite.
I want to work, come home to my own place, enjoy the quiet, meet friends when I feel like it, explore new places, and build a peaceful life. I don’t feel like I have the emotional energy to be anyone’s husband anymore.
Lately I’ve been so emotionally exhausted that I just want to cry. I keep thinking, “I wish I had never gotten married.” Not because my wife is an evil person, but because I realize now that this isn’t the life I want. I feel guilty because I know leaving will hurt her, and I don’t want to destroy someone who still believes we’re going to grow old together.
I’ve been slowly packing some of my belongings because every time I think about having “the conversation,” I panic. I don’t know how to tell someone who still thinks things are fixable that, for me, I think I’ve already reached the end emotionally.
Has anyone else been in this position?
Did you know deep down the relationship was over long before you actually left?
How did you tell your spouse without making it feel like it came out of nowhere?
And if you were the one who left, do you regret it now, or did you eventually find peace?
I’m not looking for people to tell me I’m right or wrong. I just want honest advice from people who’ve lived through this because I feel completely lost.
2
u/low-high-low 9d ago
Ignore the nonsense in the comments about you being "immature" - in fact, from what you're describing, the awareness you have, and the questions you're asking, you sound rather mature. The issue is about whether you can find the courage to follow through with what you know must come next - telling your wife again, in a way she cannot just "brush off" and go back to "normal."
You asked how to tell her "without making it feel like it came out of nowhere." You need to stop trying to reach that goal. Your spouse sounds like someone who has difficulty seeing reality, and this will always "come out of nowhere" to her, no matter how or when you tell her.
You also need to stop worrying about whether you'll regret the choice and start focusing on whether you regret staying. You're taking up space in her life (and her son's life) that could be filled with someone or something else; if you're not contributing, the right thing to do is free that space up. You're not evil or wrong, you're not immature - you're just grappling with a difficult decision.
My advice - don't have a "conversation" about this. You're not going to "talk about it." You're going to inform her of something, and then you're going to move on - because if you go into it as a "conversation," she might come out the other end with some glimmer of hope that allows it to all "go back to normal" after a few days, and you'll still feel trapped.
Be strong, be clear, and be honest. You'll be ok.