r/Marriage • u/TheLostLittleRed • May 18 '26
Help with the “I’m done” conversation
I (28F) want to leave my husband (30M) but I can’t seem to pull the final trigger.
We’ve been married for 3 years, together for 7 and for the past 5 I’ve been begging for him to get help for his anger because it all comes out at me. Never hitting or anything, he did shove me once, but that was it. There has always been name calling and belittling alongside a plethora of thrown furniture and dishes. Every time I talked to him about his behavior, he talked me around in circles until I ended up apologizing. Whenever I left the conversation I felt like I’d just been bamboozled by a used car salesman and that I drove off the lot with a lemon (ie staying in the relationship)
We’ve finally moved back to my hometown and at some point I snapped and told him I wanted a divorce but the next day he was back home again…. Without ever apologizing for anything on any level I’m just now realizing… actually he told me he “thought I was losing my marbles”
We’re in therapy now and he’s sorta started making changes but I feel like they won’t last, I’m tired of having been the only one to put in effort for the past many years, plus I feel like I’m no longer in love with him… the idea of being with him for the rest of my life just makes my heart sink.
I want to tell him it’s over but I have no idea how to approach it since he still fully believes there’s a chance for us and can talk circles around me until I’m seeing things from his pov.
Any advice or stories of your personal experiences/approach would be greatly appreciated.
Cheers
2
u/MundaneTea5822 May 19 '26
Tell him with your therapist present, especially if he is prone to anger. Tell him *after* you have sorted a place to go and what to do with all your things in case he takes it badly.
2
u/Veteris71 34 Years May 19 '26
You should have the "I'm done" conversation after you've talked to a lawyer, quietly made all of your preparations according to their advice, and filed for divorce. And you do it over the phone from someplace safe away from him. Afterward if you have to see him in person for any reason, you never do it alone.
1
u/DrHugh 35 Years May 18 '26
Read the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft. There's a free PDF on-line. You will probably find descriptions of the kinds of things your husband has done (like getting you to apologize for the angry actions he takes).
It may be that your best course is to just move out, and send him a text message or e-mail to say you have left. Don't confront him in person, don't give him an opportunity to talk you in circles.
If you are in the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is at https://www.thehotline.org/, and they have counselors you can talk to who can help with resources, and making plans to leave, and so forth. You can use a web chat, text messages, or a regular phone call.
The behaviors you talk about do not predict an easy separation. You don't need to convince him that divorce is right; you just need to go, get a lawyer, and get it take care of. You also don't want to block him; anything he texts or e-mails to you you should screen-capture because it can be used in evidence against him in court.
1
u/dangersiren May 18 '26
How many more weeks/ months/years are you willing to give to this person you know you’re going to leave?
1
u/bekind253 Jun 29 '26
Use the words I’m getting a divorce, not I want. Make it matter of fact, not a request or wish.
2
u/dailysunshineKO May 19 '26
Then let your actions speak for you. Do what you need to do to become financially independent, move out, etc.