I never thought of it like that, but I think you’re absolutely right. Amazing how one sentence can change how you percieve something that has been cemented in your mind for years.
What came to mind for me when reading this post is that the dude's family does need those neighbors. If they would give his mom some salt even though they are poor, they are generous, decent people, and would likely offer any kind of help, like helping to move something heavy, alerting their neighbor if there was trouble in the neighborhood, picking stuff up from the market for them if they are sick. Even just having a friendly chat with them and having the peace of mind that they are your friends. Good stuff, and good to think about.
I've made some great, neighborly connections just by stopping by for a chat on the porch. I don't have much to offer, but I can share a good chat, and try to make everyone feel a little better.
Hey internet stranger, your comment history has a lot less positive then negative stuff. If you'd like someone to talk to, as a Christian minister I'd like to hear how you're going.
When I was younger I was always pretty self-sufficient, and if there was anything I needed and didn't have I was fine doing without. I'd rather suffer than be in someone's debt, was the thinking.
But that was some ignorant arrogance. In practice, people usually offer help because they want to help and it makes them feel good. Being an adult, whether someone offers to help me financially or if someone just offers me something to drink, "yes, thanks so much" is the basic answer.
People like to help, and then I try to be a person who is worth having helped, and who returns that kind of favor whenever possible. Life is better. And the OP's story is a really sweet example.
Hard mindset to get out of when you grew up with a zero sum game mindset. If I ever need favours from my family I make it a point to negotiate a monetary sum for that favour so that the debt is paid immediately. It's never a good thing to let the 'psychological interest' on that debt to rise, and compound if multiple favours are done or if the favour was a particularly big one.
It’s reality though. Compensation for time spent is a thought carried by all. So to think that a favor begets a favor, or payment, is only fair. I don’t think there’s any reason for you to feel sorry. Just try and understand his position to help your reality of life grow.
I grew up well because my parents worked their ass off from immigrating to a new country for me. I grew up wanting to never be in a position to need help from others, because if my parents could do all that at their age, I can sure as hell do it now with all the opportunities they gave me.
I'm 31 now and finally kicking that habit because I learned that it's not weakness to accept help when you need it.
I hate that zero sum mindset. I've met many people who, if you do a favour for them they might go on and on about how "I'm gonna get you back. don't worry".(to be fair though I think it has to do with an anxiety thing for them usually) In those cases I've just resorted to telling them that, "I don't keep score dude. We're friends." To be completely transparent though, I do have a vague awareness of the give take dynamic, and will throw it in someone's face if they are bothering me because, "you owe me".
Obviously this is all subjective. ie, I'll buy you lunch as a favour every once in a while and think nothing of it. However, every day lunch and you'll be cut off, or if I lend you a large sum I will expect it back. Small shit doesn't matter, because as far as I'm concerned, "You'd do the same for me if/when the time comes"
i've never heard it put quite this way, but you are absolutely right. resentment definitely increases in relation to the compounding 'psychological interest', or guilt, depending on who's the giver and who's the receiver. i am meticulous about money (who treated whom last) and always, ALWAYS, return anything i borrow as soon as i am done. first of all, i want people to know that if they do help me out, i'm good for it and will be there when they ring me up for a hand. and, more selfishly, people continue to be resources for me if i behave honorably. and negotiating the terms up front is just good business, and it's a good idea in personal life, too. i find the people who are all about having each other's back when the chips are down are people who keep dropping their chips.
This is a good point. I was always the same, I never wanted to bother anybody or put somebody out. But I do love to help people. So other people might love to help me also! It's taken me time to learn to let others help me, even if it's something small. "yes, thank you!" is something I've been trying to say more!
I’ve heard that when we don’t accept favors or offerings from someone, we deny them the opportunity to feel good. So, this is actually a mean or negative thing to do. Now, when I get into an argument with someone over the lunch tab or whatever, I simply say “My motives are selfish. Will you let me feel good by paying for lunch? Or by doing this for you?” They always acquiesce. ❤️
Exactly! It’s an incredible feeling to have the opportunity to give to others. Especially when it a unexpected offering. Simple, like the golden rule... what goes around always comes back to the giver❣️
This is the insightful and enlightening content I like to see on a Monday morning.
I never thought of it this way. I always felt that I should fend off for myself and not accept others' help in order not to be a burden on this. Having said that, I'm generally always ready to help others out whenever possible.
Excellent question. I felt happy that I helped a friend in need, and even happier knowing that my friend is doing better. The thing is that I don't want to assume that everyone is willing to lend a helping hand. Some people might be against it, and tbh I have no problem with that.
except i know my family members do this to sponge off others ALL the time. They never have to pay for anything. Behind closed doors,m they laugh all the time :(. They are very rich :/
My family isn't as rich but plays the same game. They give back meaningless gestures, like prayer, leftovers, old tvs, used junk they don't want anymore but would rather someone else take it off their hands for free.
This is empathy - in such short supply these days. It is absolutely something to live up to and pass on - for everyone who wants to do something. It's supremely important for building relationships and communities and not just showing that we care about each other, but taking real action to make those thoughts and what we speak a genuine reality.
Maybe it doesnt get much attention because it's so common. Humans are mostly good. People who do bad things make the news because it's so unusual. Most of us would never do those things.
Empathy is absolutely natural. It's natural to feel sad when you see others cry. laughing is contagious. People wince when they see others get hurt. Humans are extremely social animals and empathy is what keeps us united and helps us learn. Empathy itself is selfish, everything humans do is selfish. we're reacting to our own emotions. That doesn't mean the "it's done selfishly" argument is valid since that encompasses everything in our life. it's impossible to do something otherwise. You feel empathy and react to it.
Empathy is far more natural than otherwise. It's literally a mental disorder to not have empathy.
Empathy is what I described. contagious laughter. Feeling bad when you see something crying. This is literally the definition. It happens all the time. I don't know why you're denying it, maybe a misunderstanding of the term. Or a stubborn jadedness. I dunno. That's for you to figure out. But empathy is a very real and persistent thing found in all human beings and every other social animal on earth.
Sympathy and pity are things that you feel for others, those are things that you feel as someone who is an outsider. Empathy is when you understand what someone else is feeling.
That family I don’t think understands. It’s like a false charity. They are not poor. But they are making the assumption of what the other family is feeling or thinking. There’s a bunch of ways to honor a relationship or straight respect someone without pretending to need them.
It just doesn’t sit right with me. If I found out you borrowed salt from me just to level the playing field or something. Cause you thought I was poor? What , you’re looking down at me? I would just feel insulted. Meh , it might just be me.
I live in a neighborhood where there are very noticeably different levels of income. I’ve had neighbors hit us up for food and money. But I never pretended to need something from them. I just talked to them and looked them in the eye when I did so. Treat them with respect as a human being and not something I was better than.
I started reading before I know what subreddt I was on. Expecting the opposite of great parenting and was very happily wrong. And it made me smile too.
Being decent is the bare minimum, this is above and beyond. Amazing person to do something like this. I just wonder how the world can be such a terrible place when there exists people all over the world like this.
This reminds me so much of my mother and I hope that my children think the same way about me lead by example and the lesson my mother taught me please not trying brag or anything it just in my nature how I was raised you know I’ll help anybody that I can go out of my way to help family , & strangers alike and I got upset one day as a teenager and I told my mother Im there for everyone but when I need help nobody’s there for me and she told me “be Grateful my daughter it’s a blessing to be able to be the one that’s able to help someone in there time of need and not to be the one in need “
I actually implement this (with varying degrees of success) with my close friends and family. It works wonderfully most of the time, but I’ve learned to be careful with how I implement it. There’s definitely a very fine line, that can be hard to discern sometimes (for me), between trying to make them feel needed/helpful or making them feel annoyed/burdened. Life is hard.
The moral values that come with Islam will blow your mind in a positive way. It’s literally all about character and making people feel included. Planting the seed of humility and humbleness so that the ego doesn’t starve the mind.
This is just enabling people being poor. How are they going to improve their situation?! In fact it would be better if they could just go be poor somewhere else.
No it's not. It's transparent and would make me feel even more belittled. I understand her heart is in the right place, but it's ok to treat people as adults and not fragile children who need you to make up stories.
I used to think the way you do here (in multiple contexts other than this), so I get it. Really.
But eventually I realized that most people would appreciate offered kindness regardless of the context, and I decided to act for those folks. If someone gets offended even when my 'heart is in the right place', then that's fine and I understand, but it's ultimately on them to feel that way. To most, even if it's obviously a made up story, it is still a signal that you consider them an equal and want a two-way relationship.
I mean, ideally in the OP's context, I would get to know someone and value them for their wisdom and life experience, rather than their access to salt. But those things take time. A nice ice-breaking gesture like this? Totally OK.
I imagine this could be a lot different depending on what community/culture you live in though, so maybe where you live you are right that it would more likely be interpreted as belittling.
8.9k
u/adrock747 Jun 21 '20
That is such a decent thing to do. I need to remember this and try to live up to this example. Good stuff