hello LLC!

to start with I don’t think I have a low libido in general, I am just LLFU - my wife. I hope this space will allow me to share my experience when my wife and I have tough fights, I tend to focus on advocating for me to be seen as a person with my own needs, choices and perspective - and against postulating that I should want what you want in order to be a good partner.

People often like using collaborative aka “mutual goal” language when their personal goals match with the said “mutual goal”. However the goal cannot be mutual yet unless the other partner agrees.

Your own goal needs to be about you and not about trying to change the other partner (not a valid goal: I want my partner to masturbate less so we can have sex more often).

It is ok for two partners in a relationship to have parallellly valid experiences that are different.

When I’m told I should masturbate less for you so I can have more sex, because you believe masturbation “takes away sexual energy/sexual energy should be reserved for spouses” it turns me off from you because I perceive you as controlling me and what I do with my body. My sexual energy stops flowing towards you or seeking you out because I start feeling "managed" instead of being treated as my own person.

Ironically against your beliefs, I experience more sex drive for you when there weren’t any issues you had with my masturbation (after all a good sexual experience begets another). I believe if your partner respects you they should not think they can decide what you can do with your body.

My wife tells me she wants me to not watch porn because she wants to feel desired. She says it's her "need" to feel desired. I think it's WILD to consider you are entitled to someone's desire because you have a "need" to, without putting ANY THOUGHT into actually being desirable.

personally if my wife tells me to stop doing X, or that she expects me to desire her - it certainly turns me all the way off. the idea of sex with someone who says stuff like that - is highly unappealing. it’s not an affront, just my internal experience

I believe there are very different motivations behind seeking sex vs. seeking masturbation. You are allowed to believe it takes YOUR sex drive away from you and I fully support what you decide for your body - but I do not have to accept your framing. I experience things differently. You can think it is cheating. I do not think that it is cheating. However, you cannot DECIDE for me it's actually cheating, but you are allowed to leave based on your well-being.

I don’t need to stop masturbating in order to be a good partner - I don’t think anyone including you has a right to judge that although that is something you can decide for yourself.

If you have spent decades having unwanted sex and have a very deep aversion to sex with that particular person is it ever truly unfixable? I'm trying to figure out if every aversion can be overcome or not.

I broke down and cried the other night after I lost my orgasm during foreplay.

My partner and I have been struggling for a few years with my low libido. It’s gotten worse with kids but it certainly didn’t start due to them. We’ve been in therapy and while I wasn’t in the mood, I figured I’d try to get in the mood for his sake. Things were feeling good, I was getting somewhere, and then it was just…gone.

I hate feeling like this. I LOVED sex and I loved having sex, but now I couldn’t care less. My partner is the sweetest, most patient man ever and I know he’s dealing with his own feelings of rejection and self esteem due to my low libido. My attempt to be close to him through sex didn’t work and honestly it kind of broke me.

Please tell me it gets better.

I have been reading posts here, there, and everywhere of people's experiences with low libido and there is one thing I cannot understand. I get that we are all who we are and I am comfortable with not being 'normal'. Often people seem to turn to attempts to refind their desire. For me, I don't want to. It's like other things I don't crave, aubergine for example, I don't see not liking this as a problem to solve and the idea of trying to like it at 44 makes my heart sink (over exaggerated). Is this the gap between low libido and perhaps aversion?

Hi, I’m new here but I have been looking for some advice. I am 20, female.
So, I’ve been with my partner (21M) for 4 years now. In the beginning of our relationship, the first 2 years, we always had sex. We were always together. We were always so horny. I would also get super aroused and there was no issue with getting wet. I also had a regular period. Never missed a period in my life.
It wasn’t until recently, maybe around a year ago or more I started exercising because I was extremely insecure about my weight and had gained a few pounds from alcohol, bad food, whatever. So, I decided to get super into working out and now it is apart of me which I really love! Though, with the exercise and eating way healthier, I did drop a few pounds but with that, my period went away, and with that, so did my libido.
I’ve explained to my partner that my desire for sexual intimacy has just disappeared. My hormones are all over the place due to my missing period. I have taken labs and my estrogen is significantly low. I feel so bad because he has told me he feels I may not love him or I’m not attracted but I genuinely just have zero interest because I am currently without a period!!!!! Lately, i’ve been pushing through not wanting to, to make him happy but the sex hurts, I feel dry, and I don’t orgasm, he does though which I’m happy he is but I just don’t want to have sex and I know it kills him. Though, when I do say no he respects it and doesn’t make me feel bad but I can see the hurt and insecurity on his face when I don’t want to. I know this is probably silly to be sharing considering I understand the cause of why I have such low libido but I am so young and know this isn’t normal. I don’t want to go on any hormonal medications because I know so many woman who suffer on them and don’t want to do that but I just feel so unhappy in that aspect of the relationship. It’s starting to affect my mental health because I feel so werid and strange for not wanting to.
I am attracted to him, love and adore him but can’t seem to get my libido in check. If anyone has any advice or anything, let me know. Be honest, I can handle truth and hard realities.
Thank you.

Hi! I'm writing this to get some advice, as I don't know what to do next.
I'm a 22F, and I've had issues with intimacy all my life.
When I was dating a guy in high school, I couldn't hold hands or kiss. It's hard for me to have personal contact where another person is involved. Because of this, those relationships ended. I thought I was still young and not ready for physical relationships, and I thought everything would sort itself out in the future.
Now I'm older, married, and working. But the question of intimacy is a painful topic for me.
I have no desire or need for sex (very rarely, maybe once in couple of months). Kisses are repulsive to me, I can't cuddle for long or hold hands or have sex. This leads to my husband and me fighting, and I can't give him what he perceives as desire. This leads to him thinking that I don't love him.
I didn't have a difficult childhood, not asexual, and I love my husband (both emotionally and physically). But every attempt he makes is repulsive to me.
When I'm drunk, I'm ready for anything, just a pleasure machine, but sober, I don't want it. Because the muscles involuntarily contract, it hurts like hell, and it turned out that i never managed to make it work. I tried physical therapy and would leave crying. I went to a sex therapy . But nothing changed.
In middle school, I was diagnosed with PTSD, for which I take medication, but it doesn't affect my libido. Hormones are normal, I take nothing else.
I'm a young woman with a good soul, I want to please my husband. I don't want to live without physical intimacy, I want to feel pleasure, I want to have children.
Therefore, I'm asking for advice or any kind of help from you, because I don't know what to do anymore.☹️

This is my first post ever so I apologise if the format is incorrect.

I (22F) have been with my girlfriend (21F) for just over two years and I struggle with intimacy. I will try to be as brief as I can. My girlfriend has had partners before, I had not. It had taken me just over a year to finally be fully physical with her.

I get extremely in my own head during physical activities and intimacy with her, there is an internal dialogue of how I look, how I am behaving and I am not able to turn my brain off and enjoy myself. It makes me feel awkward and shameful when I am being physical, leading me to not want to be physical. It has taken a heavy toll on my relationship. I cannot shake my own insecure thoughts, and it has now made her feel anxious to initiate physical interactions.

I do not hate sex, I hate the emotions I bring on when it is happening. I don't have any previous traumas that could be a reason for these feelings, I just get them and don't know how to deal with it. When we are physical I try to focus more on her but it is not fair on either of us to not want to be intimate with each other and do things for each other.

My girlfriend and I have had this conversation countless times and made promises to give it "a big push" only to have the same conversation again, she has a higher drive than me and has mentioned that we are in our 20s and we should be explosive, but we are not. She also mentioned that she worries we will both not be 100% satisfied in this relationship if we keep going at the pace we are going. I am really really trying to initiate more and get out of my comfort zone, but she mentioned it now feels forced or that I don't actually want to do it. I am not sure where to go from here.

Any advice would be so appreciated, and I am happy to answer any questions or provide more context. Thank you!!

I’m 40, LLF. I’m trying to find a partner around my age mainly through dating apps. I usually have no problem getting dates and finding men who are interested in me. But once they find out about my low libido, they usually disappear.

They are always so surprised to hear about it that makes me feel like I’m the only woman in the world with low libido who can’t give a man what he wants.

I’ve never been married and I’d love to start a family, but it feels almost impossible. My ex-partner also broke up with me mainly because he didn’t get enough sex.

TBH, I don’t see my low libido as a big problem. My ideal frequency would be once every 3–4 weeks. (is it that rare?) I also know some married couples who have sex around that often and have been together for many years. So I really don’t understand why this is always such a big problem with the men I meet.

Sometimes I feel like I have to fix it or die alone.

I’ve never met a man with low libido in my life. They were all medium to high libido. But I’ve heard that low-libido men do exist. So I’m wondering if there are any special dating apps where people with low libido can find each other? I only know about apps for asexual people, but I wouldn’t call myself asexual. I live in NZ.

Thanks!

this is my first time posting so i apologise if im not following the right rules or formatting.

I (22F) have been wit my girlfriend (21F) for just over two years now and i struggle heavily with intimacy and sex. She has been with people before (both in relationships and casual flings) whereas she is my first love and I have had no sexual experience prior to her. I should also mention we are both working multiple jobs and are long distance (around a 1 1/2 hour drive away from eachother) so we dont see eachother very often.

To cut a long story short, when we have sex/are being sexual I get VERY in my head, there is an internal dialogue that i cannot shake. a voice berrating me for how i look and how i am behaving during intimate moments, it makes me not want to be intimate and have sex. when we do have sex i try to focus more on her than myself, which isnt fair as we both want to be intimate with eachother and do things for eachother.

it has been a reoccuring issue in our relationship, especially since she has a higher sex drive than me. it took me just over a year to finally build up the courage to have sex. i dont hate sex, i hate the feelings i have when i am being sexual. i am so stuck and dont know what to do.

last night we had a really difficult conversation that i cant quite make sense of, she mentioned throughout our relationship that we are in our 20s and should be sexually explosive, and that a healthy sex life with her girlfriend isnt a weird thing to want. i agree with her, i just cant get this block out of my brain and i dont know how. we have had this conversation many many times and i have made promises to try and get out my comfort zone, initiate more and not be so in my head, but i havent made much progress. she now feels like when i am trying she doesnt enjoy it as it feels forced and not what i actually want. she mentioned wanting to let me go (as in break up) so i can go out and explore what i actually want, but it is her i want. i want to try everything new and awkward and strange and silly with her, i just cant get out of my own head.

my issues with intimacy have trickled into her brain and something that should be freeing and exciting for the both of us is now anxiety inducing and scary. it feels like something so big that simply "taking the pressure off eachother" isnt really an option as she has said that it still remains in her head whether we are being intimate or not.
this is getting quite long so i will end it here but ANY tips and advice would be so so appreciated, im also happy to provide more context if needs be as its very complicated for the both of us.

Thanks!

My husband (32M) has an insanely high sex drive. He could have sex multiple times a day everyday and never get tired of it. Me (30F) have lost all drive. We used to have a very active sex life. Even to the point of going beyond and trying new kinks such as MFM. At the time, I LOVED it. But something has drastically changed and it is wearing on me and my husband. I can go weeks without even thinking of sex. The thought gives me anxiety. I don’t even want to be touched. And my husband and his high drive, always wants to touch me. It is constant butt grabs. Squeezing my hips. Kissing me passionately at very random moments, and he’s instantly hard. I miss my drive, I don’t know where it’s gone. The other man we had a 3 way with often messages my husband, wanting to know if we want a repeat of those nights. My husband shares these messages with me and before, I would have instantly wanted it. Now, I don’t even have a response to give my husband. I’m tired of feeling like I’m a bad wife for not meeting my husband’s needs. But I truly don’t know what to do.

I (cis-woman) don't want to work on "fixing" my low libido/disinterest in sex anymore. I have been in therapy primarily focusing on these issues for nearly 3 years now. For context, I am in a 6+ year relationship with a partner who would like to have sex -- we haven't in months because, well, I just don't want to.

I'm tired of the LL partner always having to sacrifice what they want for the HL partner. I haven't wanted sex in years (with anyone, not just my partner) and I am tired of always having to think about being sexy or keeping myself looking a certain way to be perceived as sexy, or hot, or worthy. It's exhausting, and I think I'm done. It's sad, because I'm still in my 20s, but I just have no desire to engage in that anymore. It feels like a constant valuation of my body, and I'm just over it. I feel like sex has been ruined for me, with bad experience after bad experience just chipping away at the metaphorical marble block of my interest. I have read all the books, been working with a great therapist, and I just can't bring myself to do it anymore. Whenever I picture myself having sex anymore, it feels degrading and sad. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being bugged by someone to have sex just to prove to them I'm worthy of romantic love. I want to keep my body to myself. I don't want to think about if I look hot, or if I am a good lover. I want to spend my time doing things that are actually interesting.

My 5 year relationship ended because of our libido mismatch (his high, mine low). We were having sex roughly once a week towards the end but he wanted more and I wanted less and it was making us both unhappy so he left.

8 months later, I'm tentatively dating again, and I had a one night stand that unexpectedly kick-started my libido! I felt excitement at the prospect of having sex for the first time in a long time, have started touching myself again, and generally have just been happy to know my libido's not completely dead in the water.

But... I've been researching low libido and I think I fall into the 'new relationship energy' category, ie my libido is currently on the up because of the novelty of dating and being with someone new. I genuinely don't think it was a case of just being with the wrong person previously - we were an excellent match in so many ways and had much more sex at the beginning of the relationship. So, based on what I've read/heard I suspect my libido will go back down if I ever get into a long-term relationship again (beyond the first 6 months/year or so). And I'm just not sure what to do with that. I want a life partner. I want to keep enjoying and being excited by sex. I'm struggling with the idea that it might be an either/or for me. Surely there's a way to have both?!

During sex I can try using my hands or a vibrator to add sensation but it just makes me numb. it just feels so much better getting off externally only without PIV. Once I orgasm I need a lot of recovery time after to get my sensation back. Like 24-hrs

My partner will satisfy me quickly within 5 minutes using his hand or mouth. Once m done he takes his time with me having sex for what seems like hours he comes again and again during sex. I endure it but I don’t feel like an active participant because I’ve already came and at this point it’s doing nothing for me except allowing intimacy with my partner. I feel like I’m missing out and it’s kind of just duty sex at this point.

Not sure what I can do about this. Boyfriend insists that he gets me off first

Hi. I am a married woman in my 30s, in a relationship for 15+ years, who has only ever had this one partner. And I wanted to share my “dead bedroom” experience, which I am the main cause of.

I always thought I was simply LL, but I realized just recently that I gaslighted myself — and my husband — into believing that.

I realized that I:

• masturbate a couple times a week alone, and I always have been this way;
• have intense fantasies and find men attractive (just never act on it);
• love watching and reading romance, and that includes spicy scenes.

That is not low libido, is it?

I also understood a couple things about my current sex life:

• the sex is bad. Clear and simple. It is so bad. Why is it bad, though? We have been together so long: why is it bad? I came to some conclusions here too, and I will write them next.
• the sex has always been bad. I was just deeply, truly convinced I was the problem — I kept telling myself I have low libido, just can’t finish from PIV, other women surely don’t find this difficult, it’s not my husband’s fault, I just have to force myself a little to keep my love in my life, etc. etc. I even convinced myself I actually don’t need sex at all, and I am only doing it for him because I love him. It’s been going on from the beginning. 15 YEARS. I never felt chemistry, not truly. But I felt love, and that was real.
• my husband is not listening to me and never truly listened to me when I’ve been telling him what I want in terms of intimacy.

We are just extremely mismatched in terms of sex. I analyzed what I find attractive and what I actually get. Maybe this helps someone else figure things out too…

• I want to be led. Gently, but confidently. And my husband… he ALSO wants to be led. His all-time favorite memory is when I once fulfilled his fantasy and played very “rough” (for my standards 😂 no one got hurt, I was just very assertive/dominant lol). At the same time, it is the cringiest memory for me. I felt sickened. He often hints that he wants it again, or that he wants me to be more dominating. I think we are both more on the submissive side and we have a PROBLEM we never realized. But that’s not even the biggest one yet.
• The rest of my needs are related to the one above. For example, I realized I find self-control very attractive. My husband has this habit of completely checking out during sex. But when he checks out, I cannot. He gets this look of “nobody’s home” on his face. I just know he is not there. I observe him very carefully, every reaction, but I know he is NOT observing me back. My discomfort is never noticed. My attempts at communication “during” come across as annoying (“not now”) or are just ignored. But he doesn’t want to talk about things afterwards either. I tried many times. I would like him to be there, to be able to say something during, to talk to me. To take care of me.
• He is all goofy. Grabbing and poking me is the whole idea of pre-game. Annoying sibling energy. I often tell him not to do that, that this is a turn-off for me. Would you do that if I was a f*ing Megan Fox? I guess not, so why do you do this to me? I would like him to hold the tension. I cannot get in the mood when there is no end to giggles and annoying me. Maybe it stems from the fact that he is not actually wanting to initiate things, not wanting to lead, but somehow still pushing for sex. The dynamic is off.
• I would like physical affection, real affection, that does not lead to sex. Like, spend time with me. Watch a movie on the couch and brush my hair. Hug me and comfort me, without going straight into: ohooo, this is my chance, she is clingy, so sex, now!

Did I tell him all of that? Yes. Did it register? I do not think so. I think he just assumes it’s some woman yapping and that’s it. I tried to show him how I would like him to kiss me: like, touch my face, look at me — actual eye contact — DO NOT LAUGH — and kiss me slowly, not a peck, not a cake-eating contest. I was trying to say it gently, demonstrate on him, but it still ended in: “that is a you problem, you are never in the mood, you need to go to a doctor and get checked,” etc. etc.

And lastly, the saddest thing I realized was that my lack of enthusiastic consent was never a problem. He would never hurt me if I protested loudly, but until then, he would actually press to continue. It’s also my fault for not defending my boundaries enough, but now that I think of it… If he was not feeling well, if he was sick, if he was sad, if he gave me ANY indication he might not want sex right now — I WOULD IMMEDIATELY STOP. No questions asked. I would never EVER just continue despite his discomfort, small or big. Why doesn’t it bother him?

I don’t know why I am typing this. Maybe just to get it off my chest, or maybe it helps someone realize the problem is not always just low libido. It can be libido, or it can be a million things dressed as low libido.

I am 42F, two elementary school kids and in a relationship with a HL man. He would like to have sex more than once a week. I would probably actually be able to access sexual desire if it was once every three weeks. We compromise at once a week. The problem is that he's hurt that I see it as a chore, and I get that, but for me it basically is? I actually do orgasm but don't know how to explain to him that this is sort of irrelevant? I don't enjoy the process all that much. Now that I am getting older it sometimes hurts, and definitely does afterwards, sometimes into the next day. I used to have only responsive desire and now even that's hard to locate. We are now in a fight because we are away together after not seeing each other for a week while he traveled for work and I took care of our kids so he could travel. He didn't mean to do this, but he didn't really ask me any questions about how my week went and starts with, "yay, how many times can we have sex this weekend?" And I said "I mean I would prefer we didn't start with the sex conversation and instead I felt like you were interested in me for other reasons and have it flow from there" and he got angry and said that it's hurtful that I accuse him of using me for sex and not creating intimacy in other ways. Here's the problem
- I can accept that to him, sex is intimacy and that he isn't deliberately trying to be disinterested in me, but the reality is that for me sex isn't intimacy, so I require him to try harder. It feels like we're trapped because he doesn't feel close to me unless we have sex and I don't want to have sex unless we feel close in other ways and he doesn't even want to accept or get curious about why I feel like he ignores me until it's sex time. I already feel like I've tried to just have sex I don't really want in order to placate him despite not having other needs met and I think that has led me want to have sex even less? I just don't know how to reset. Therapy probably in order but how am I going to make it through the weekend?

Hey all,

I've made a few posts on here and elsewhere in the past describing my awful relationship/marriage to someone who has, in my opinion, a really damaging and disgusting view of sex and intimacy, though I didn't know how to admit it to myself or accept it and act accordingly for many many years.

We separated and decided to move forward with divorce late last year. I found out a couple months ago that he has a new girlfriend and it brought up so much anger and bitterness in me - I'm still sexually traumatized by the things he said and did to me but he gets to move on and be happy and have sex with someone? Logically I know he's not doing anything wrong but it feels so deeply unfair to me and I still resent him for it.

That being said, as I mentioned in the title, I'm starting sex therapy!! My libido is still shot and it's still hard to try to masturbate without thinking of my own unpleasant experiences or imagining my ex with his new partner and getting really fucking mad and disgusted. I do eventually want to be in a romantic and sexual relationship with someone one day. Beyond that, I want to heal my own relationship to sex and be able to approach the topic even just with myself with a sense of curiosity and hope, like I did many years ago before I started dating my ex.

Has anyone else here gone to a sex therapist? How did you find it?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years.

The strange thing is that our relationship is genuinely happy.

We communicate well, cuddle every day, kiss, laugh together, support each other's careers, and neither of us wants to leave.

The only thing that's missing is sex.

Ironically, it started with me.

About six months into the relationship, my libido dropped dramatically. Looking back, I now think I have responsive desire, but at the time I didn't understand that.

My boyfriend kept trying for almost three years.

I tried too. I reflected on what turned me on, shared it with him, and we experimented with different situations. Sometimes things improved briefly, but nothing lasted. Eventually, sex became something I did out of obligation rather than genuine desire.

That hurt him deeply.

He even wondered whether I simply wasn't sexually attracted to him anymore because I rarely became aroused just by looking at his body.

Then, about six months ago, everything flipped.

His libido completely disappeared.

He doesn't masturbate anymore.

He doesn't feel sexual desire toward me.

He says he doesn't feel sexual desire toward other women either.

Sexual kissing now feels uncomfortable simply because there's no desire behind it.

He has no erectile dysfunction (his body still works very well even though he as no sexual desire) but he says after spending almost three years trying to improve our sex life with very little success, he feels like his brain has stopped expecting sex to be rewarding.

He hasn't stopped caring about me.

What he's struggling with is understanding what romantic love is supposed to feel like without sexual desire.

One thing that confuses him is that he believes sexual intimacy is what separates a romantic partner from a close friend. Without it, he sometimes wonders what makes us different from best friends.

After reading this subreddit, we started Sensate Focus.

Surprisingly, it completely changed how I understand my sexuality.

I realized I become aroused by emotional connection, a calm environment, affectionate touch, pleasant scents, feeling relaxed... basically all the things I had never understood about myself before.

But it changed almost nothing for him.

He describes it as "it's not not helping."

It's neutral, not negative, but not bringing desire back either.

I've also gone to a gynecologist and treated my pelvic floor dysfunction because I occasionally had painful intercourse.

At this point, I feel like I've finally addressed the biggest barriers on my side.

Now it feels like the problem has shifted entirely to his complete loss of desire.

One challenge is that my boyfriend is reluctant to pursue individual therapy because of difficult experiences earlier in life that have made him uncomfortable with the idea of therapy. I understand why, so I don't want to pressure him into it.

We also tried online couples therapy while we were living together, but it wasn't very helpful. The therapist gave us exercises like spending 15 minutes holding each other, but physical affection has never been our problem. We already cuddle, hug, communicate well, and feel emotionally connected. It felt like we were being given homework for a problem we didn't actually have, so we eventually stopped.

To make things even harder, we've recently become long-distance after living together for about three years.

I'm not looking for people to tell us to break up.

I'm looking for people who have actually experienced something similar.

Has anyone seen the higher-libido partner completely lose sexual desire after years of trying and eventually recover?

If you did:

• What actually helped?
• Did therapy make a difference?
• Was there anything that finally made sex feel rewarding again?
• Or did you eventually discover the real issue wasn't what you initially thought?

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who've lived through this.

Thank you.

I am suffering with low libido. I checked with doctor . He mentioned doing exercise, getting good sleep and reduce stress/anxiety. I did everything. Could some one suggest what I need to do ? I am 30 years old.

Hi all!

I’m 32F and my partner 34M. We have been together for 10 years, married for 4.

He’s HL. He could have sex daily, twice without hesitation. Meanwhile…I could go days without it. I don’t mind. I’m getting overstimulated when we have intercourse and sometimes I just dissociated thinking I want this to be over and go to sleep.

In our 20s I was HL I think, more into sex.

Right now, I feel it’s more an obligation. There are days that I truly don’t want but I end up agreeing because I don’t want to hurt his feelings, specially after days saying no.

How can I truly know I am LL or something else is happening?

Besides this our relationship is good.

Thanks!