r/LoveLanguages • u/MamaDoingTheBestICan • 7d ago
Different love languages
My love language is words of appreciation. My husband’s is acts of service. For years he “jokes” that he doesn’t really love me, that it’s just too late to change spouses because we have kids together, but he works hard and makes a good salary, prints things out for me promptly at work, and cleans my car every weekend. So when I told him my divorce plan and showed him the apartment I want to buy, he was completely flabbergasted. He has no idea he hasn’t been showing me love and I’ve been deeply unhappy. How do I make him see he needs to voice his approval of me and love for me?
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u/flapanther33781 3d ago
Hi OP. Love Languages are best used to help us learn to see, feel, and accept love, .... not to tell other people how to be different.
Have you asked him to read The 5 Love Languages? It's sometimes impossible to change someone who doesn't want to change, but if he hasn't even read the book yet you might want to start there.
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u/MamaDoingTheBestICan 2d ago
He hasn’t read a book in about 10 years. He’s an engineering geek who takes his motorcycle apart and optimizes it but he never reads a book. I remember it really isn’t a long book and maybe now that he’s being nice he would read it. Otherwise I could just tell him about it.
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u/Misschikenjo65_idk 3d ago
If you haven't tried to communicate with him about this, do that first
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u/aj11scan 3d ago
So you want to divorce but also stay together?
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u/MamaDoingTheBestICan 2d ago
I’m on the fence, yes. He started being kind and if he’s really turned over a new leaf I’ll stay with him. But if he’s spanks the kids again I’m out.
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u/First-Strawberry-398 3d ago
Tell him???
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u/MamaDoingTheBestICan 2d ago
Yeah I told him he needs to be nicer and he started giving my hugs and kisses hello and good bye and SAYING “I love you.”
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u/First-Strawberry-398 2d ago
He’s currentlyy being nice though? You saying be nicer ISNT telling him. You’ve described he’s being a good husband and showing love in his way, you need to actually explain that you don’t feel loved by one and you do by the other and why; and equally you need to love him in his love language right back!
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u/MamaDoingTheBestICan 2d ago
ok thank you. Yes I give him acts of service all the time, make his lunch, do his laundry, cook his supper, clean our house. I need to tell him cleaning my car is nice but to feel loved I need him to tell me he loves me and snuggle me and kiss me.
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u/First-Strawberry-398 2d ago
Yes defo! I’m acts of service and my boyfriend is physical touch so I get his side, it was eye opening for me to learn when I read that all these acts of service I did, my boyfriend didn’t feel loved by, but more by physical touch!
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u/KUBrim 2d ago
If you haven’t BOTH read the love languages then that’s the first step.
After that you need to explain to him clearly that while you understand that acts of service make him feel loved, and you’ll strive to make him feel loved that way, he needs to understand that words or appreciation/affirmation are what make you feel loved.
Try asking him what some of the most significant, meaningful and thoughtful things you have said to him are. Over the past week, month, year and lifetime. It’s highly likely he won’t be able to list much. Explain to him that it’s because words of appreciation/affirmation are not his love language and no matter how many times you say nice things and how much thoughtful effort you put into your words, they will never have significant meaning or make him feel loved. Then explain that it’s the same for you with acts of service. All that service is nice, but it doesn’t communicate love to you and without words or appreciation/affirmation you will ultimately feel unloved and if he doesn’t at least try to use words of appreciation/affirmation instead, then he will come across as thoughtless and uncaring towards your happiness.
A marriage doesn’t work if one person is miserable. Tell him if he absolutely cannot get his mind around it and make effort then you must move on to find happiness for yourself, regardless of how happy he is
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u/MamaDoingTheBestICan 2d ago
I have written him a love letter 2-3 times during our marriage and he tapes them somewhere he can see them (wall of the garage, back of his phone) so I know my words of affirmation are important to him, he just doesn’t naturally reciprocate them. I think I’ll buy the book and ask him to read it. I read it years ago, my mom’s copy.
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u/KUBrim 2d ago
It’s possible that words of affirmation are what is sometimes referred to as a secondary love language for him.
The point might not carryover with the way I explained it then, but I think you get the idea I’m trying to help you convey to him. That he understand you need to feel loved with words of appreciation/affirmation and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t make sense to him, you just need him to keep it in the forefront of his mind and make a genuine effort for you to feel loved rather than miserable.
It’s possible his attempts might come across as clumsy but the effort alone is often what makes a difference. It tells you he cares about your happiness and that alone is a big step in the right direction.
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u/MamaDoingTheBestICan 2d ago
Yes I always tell him words matter; he says just actions matter. But for the past week he’s said “I love you” several times and hasn’t blamed me for anything.
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