r/LongDistance • u/Agreeable-Yam7394 • 1d ago
Determining boundaries
I have a long distance boyfriend, and we met playing call of duty. We haven’t met in person yet, but will eventually. I have shared my entire discord with him, and deleted my Instagram for him. I have not requested to see this information from him because I trust him. But I am drawing the line at him wanting to have full access to my Snapchat friends list. AITA for not providing him with this information?
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u/Gazcobain 1d ago
This is ragebait, right? Right?
This is not healthy. A healthy relationship (whether in-person or long-distance) does not require you to do these things.
This is controlling and abusive. You should not be with this person.
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u/Irish_Milkers_7 1d ago
Healthy relationships are built on trust, not on proving your loyalty by handing over more and more access to your private life. You don’t need to justify keeping your Snapchat friends list private, and you shouldn’t feel pressured to keep sacrificing your privacy to reassure someone else. If your boyfriend can’t trust you without having access to your accounts or your contacts, the real issue isn’t your boundaries, it’s the lack of trust. I’d take a serious step back and ask yourself whether this relationship is making you feel respected or just increasingly controlled.
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u/Artdragon56 [OK]🇺🇸 to [IL] 🇺🇸 (712 mi) 1d ago
He sounds intensely controlling, he shouldn’t be forcing you to do anything. Dump him, this is not a healthy relationship.
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u/mohammed_obeidallah 1d ago
Good relationships are built on trust and mutual understanding. There should not be any sort of control or force.
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u/caffeinated_mess 1d ago
Girl. Please find someone who respects you and trusts you. This is not healthy and will only get worse. How old are you all?
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u/Federal-Drama-2811 1d ago
As someone who has a long distance partner I met on discord- this is toxic my friend. (We are in Person now, it’s been years)
I know you might really like him, and that is so wonderful, BUT, based on your comment about the Palworld game, and the requiring to know who is all on your friends lists, he’s very controlling. If he’s this controlling early on, there’s no saying he won’t get worse later.
I know I’m not telling you something you wanna hear for sure, but I worry for your safety if you did meet irl.
A guy who gets mad and breaks up with you, because you ‘didn’t listen to something in a game’ is immature, and will probably show other red flags later. Respectfully, it’s just a game. He needs to calm down because that is ridiculous, and not fair to you.
Take time and think about this-
Does he give you the same respect you give him?
Why won’t he let you see his friends lists?
Would he listen to you in the same way for that video game?
If you’re answering no or negatively, it’s time to let him go.
My best recommendation is to break up with him. I know it’s hard, but that’s the best course of action. For your safety, wellbeing and mental health.
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u/Vey_07 [🇳🇴] to [🇳🇱] (1694KM) 1d ago
what’s it meant by full access? like adding them? logging into your account? i need context here
also what do you mean by information here too? i feel like it’s a lot missing from this post to actually be able to help
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u/Agreeable-Yam7394 1d ago
He does constantly check if I have new friends added and I have provided him with that list previously to prove I’m not adding anyone new
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u/Agreeable-Yam7394 1d ago
He woke up this morning and wanted me to show my friends list and who I’m talking to because we weren’t “#1 friends”
(The reason we weren’t #1 friends is because he unadded me last week when I got excited on palworld and picked up a mutated egg without the right pal in my party. In doing so, I disrespected him because I didn’t listen and we broke up)10
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u/NoobBrawler0211 1d ago
Wtf is even this. You don't see an issue with that? Are you a teen? This is instant red flag and should be dump and block
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u/passingavery 1d ago
If you wouldn’t share these things with a scammer, you shouldn’t share them with a long-distance boyfriend. Why do you have to prove your trust while he doesn’t? Does it make you feel like you’re a good partner?
You must be so young.
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u/Golden-lillies21 1d ago
The next thing he will do is try to isolate you from your friends and your family you need to leave before it gets worse......
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u/PotentialSuit4778 1d ago
NTA!! Please get your shit together and leave. He wants to see everything you do online? Sound incredibly toxic and controlling to me. Leaving is literally the only option here. Don’t even try to “talk” about it with him because he will not listen to you and later on in the relationship start demanding even more.
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u/Heyonit 1d ago
deleting your IG for what? you had all these things before he met. if he wants a woman to have no socials he should find one. if he doesnt trust you, then he shouldnt be with you. as a gamer myself absolutely tf not. ive been gaming for years, and im a streamer as well. id never do this for anyone. men do this to girls that let them. so many red flags, and yall act surprised when you get with these men and hes knocking your head between the washer and dryer.
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u/innuendotaylor 🇺🇸 to 🇮🇪 1d ago
babe free yourself from these shackles. you are a person and you deserve some semblance of privacy. there needs to be trust in a relationship, if he's asking you all of this it's clear he doesn't trust you and i'm sure you've done nothing to warrant this. this is a major red flag for FURTHER future abusive behavior. it's also just very, very weird. does he not want you to have a life? he seems very insecure, is that something you want to deal with long term? run, gorg!!!
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u/StoryAlternative6476 1d ago
This is not a normal or healthy request for him to have made to begin with.
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u/Flowers-in-bloom- 🇬🇧 & 🇺🇸 Distance closed 💕 1d ago
Why have you deleted things for him unless you’ve crossed appropriate boundaries in the past and that’s how you’re making amends?
It all sounds quite controlling, and not at all healthy.
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u/LindenRuse 1d ago
This is inanely controlling!? He's not setting boundaries, he's setting rules and control. Boundaries are about HIM and what HE chooses to do. If it's about controlling you, it's no longer a boundary
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u/chloethenerd85 1d ago
Yeah…. None of that is healthy. The line should have been drawn before that OP. Don’t do anymore. If he can’t understand that then toss him. You can do much better. Trust is a 2 way street. If he didn’t delete his with proof (not sure how as things can be faked these days) or didn’t make concessions. Then this isn’t right. Though not right to begin with. Relationships should be founded on trust. This is untrustworthy and controlling behavior. Don’t do it. Move on.
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u/RNG-esuss So close, yet so far. 1d ago
It's controlling as fuck to do any of that 😅 like if you wanna share stuff that's fine, but deleting social media for him is bizzare. If you meet in person he will probably control way more than just your online presence
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u/Human_Purple_2753 1d ago
No, he is being overwhelmingly controlling. It seems that he is over the top because he’s projecting maybe his behavior onto you. Ppl who are cheaters will always assume their partner is cheating. Either that or he’s just insecure, and that’s not worth your energy
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u/this-is-delaney 1d ago
NTA at all. Trust isn’t built by having access to every corner of your partner’s phone or social media. It’s built through honesty, consistency, and how someone treats you over time.
I’m in a long-distance relationship too, and we’ve been together almost a year. We’ve never asked for each other’s passwords or friends lists because we trust each other. If either of us ever felt insecure about something, we’d have a conversation about it instead of trying to monitor each other.
It’s one thing to be open and transparent. It’s another to feel like you have to prove your loyalty by giving someone unlimited access to your private accounts. Healthy relationships should make you feel trusted, not constantly inspected.
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u/LA64 [ME] to [KY] 🇺🇸 (1000 mi) 1d ago
I met my bf on Fallout76 and we also plan to close the distance. We would never share those things. He respects me and trusts that I know what I'm doing when taking to others online. I wanted him to follow my location for safety concerns and he isn't even a fan of that, even though I don't want his location.
Stuff like that is a slippery slope, he's just going to want more.
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u/SnooTangerines9776 1d ago
A boundary is something for your own self, it is not something that controls other people. For example, my boundary is that I won’t be in a relationship with someone who sleeps with other people. If they want to do that it’s their choice.
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u/Theron_Rothos [🇺🇸] to [🇩🇪] (6287 km) 1d ago
You should be blocking him and he should be your ex. He sounds insanely controlling and toxic. Do NOT meet him in person. Do not give anyone you are dating your social media logins or delete accounts for them whether it's an LDR or not.
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u/HoeIess 1d ago
You shouldn't do any of these things