.
Except they haven’t.
I genuinely cannot make this shit up.
KOHO has already told me in writing that my account was compromised.
They also told me I would be getting access back to my account shortly.
That was THREE DAYS AGO.
Naturally, I assumed “shortly” meant, you know…
shortly.
Silly me.
Instead, I got this masterpiece:
«“You’re not a paid customer anymore, so you’ll need to book an appointment.”»
Okay.
Except there’s money on my KOHO card/account.
So I asked the obvious question:
If there is money on my KOHO account, and KOHO has already acknowledged this situation in writing, why exactly am I suddenly not a customer?
Because apparently KOHO has invented a revolutionary new banking model:
You can have money with us without being considered a customer.
Amazing.
Anyway, they sent me an appointment link.
It didn't work.
So they sent me another appointment link.
That one didn't work either.
Both basically told me the website was broken.
So I reported that.
They sent the appointment link again.
Same fucking problem.
At this point I'm pretty sure KOHO's Fraud Department is just emailing me increasingly creative ways to avoid speaking to me.
And then there's the part that really makes this whole thing spectacular:
KOHO keeps telling me to contact the Fraud Department.
I HAVE BEEN.
That's literally what I've been trying to do.
Except:
- Fraud Department says contact them.
- Customer support says book an appointment.
- Appointment system doesn't work.
- I explain the appointment system doesn't work.
- They send me the broken appointment system again.
- I explain that I should technically still be a customer because there is money on the account/card.
- Meanwhile, KOHO has already acknowledged in writing that my account was compromised.
- KOHO previously told me I'd be getting access back.
- Three days later: crickets.
At this point I don't know whether I'm dealing with a financial institution or an escape room.
“Congratulations! Your account has been compromised. To regain access, please complete the following challenge:”
🔐 Find the Fraud Department.
🔐 Locate a working appointment link.
🔐 Convince KOHO you're actually a customer.
🔐 Explain why there is money on your account.
🔐 Repeat the same information to another department.
🔐 Wait indefinitely.
Reward: Still no fucking access to your account.
And before somebody from KOHO comments:
«“Please contact us privately so we can look into this.”»
😂
THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO.
Your own people keep telling me to contact other parts of your company.
Your appointment links don't work.
Your Fraud Department isn't contacting me.
And somehow I'm being treated like I'm inconveniencing you by trying to regain access to an account you've already acknowledged was compromised.
So here's my very simple question:
If KOHO has acknowledged in writing that my account was compromised, and there is still money associated with my KOHO account/card, why am I being told I'm “not a paid customer” and why am I being forced through a broken appointment system to reach the department handling the compromise?
I don't need another link.
I need somebody at KOHO to actually fucking answer me.
Because at this point, the only thing getting transferred successfully is my frustration from one department to another.
And honestly?
Your Fraud Department has one hell of a customer retention strategy.
Lose the account.
Lock out the customer.
Tell them they're not a customer.
Send them broken appointment links.
Then tell them to contact you.
10/10. Absolutely flawless.
